So here I am, another year gone by. Tumblr always seems to seal deals for me in some symbolic way.
20′s have been a trip. Sometimes its been the kind of trip where my hand is gently wind-gliding outside of the car window on a day I thought I’d only see in the cinema. Something feels completely aligned about life. Like a strong spine after fluid yoga, or the perfect ending of a long awaited meal. The scenery is perfect, the sounds are calm and my heart feels so, so still.
The word “satisfied” has become clear and distorted and its hurt in both senses. Much like a road trip can suddenly become claustrophobic depending on the lighting and mood, so I’ve learned that my phases take on new shapes when I forget I can control them, at least my perception of them ( and boy do I forget).
There’s been this aching to remember in a lot of ways through the year. Remember more than I sometimes have felt comfortable with. Instead of cringing into my pillow hiding away from embarrassing memories, I’ve tried to stare at them with my chest up and open, like right before falling into deep sleep.
I’ve been threading and sometimes just flinging these words around. Some days they are my meditation, at other times they can be these mists that make me feel so lost. Ultimately, I’ve realized that weather things feel clear or foggy I am still present if I choose to be no matter what the climate.
I know this journey isn’t simple for all of us. In moments I’ve felt the most sadness this year, its this very thought that’s pulled me out of myself. I think this is why I write these posts to begin with. For connectedness.
I really had this silly notion when I turned 20 that when I was 25 I’d be exactly at a place I wanted to be. This was before I began to further understand the difference between a want and a need and the rarity of them both coinciding to be the same thing (for me, at least). As of late, I keep coming across these cliches I’d written off in my younger years and begin to find understanding in them. I’m not sure if I’m just becoming a walking cliche or if the world is cliche. Yet I feel the most aware I’ve ever been with each passing year, so maybe there is some truth in them. Like there are so many textures and spheres to people, emotions and what we say on the surface.
To be completely honest, at times all of this has made me so TIRED. Just exhausted to know that sometimes people, conscious individuals can be so awful to each other. To realize that despite all my best efforts, these deep scars I have inside will pull me in to my own patterns, sometimes causing me to be unkind to myself, to the people I love around me and that the best I can do is to simply try to understand my inner workings. Try and understand my fellow humans as well. Acceptance, satisfaction, fulfillment.
Its been through therapy and mediation that I’ve been able to find this trigger for my brain to find compassion, which…wouldn’t you know it doesn’t come totally naturally to us. We have a fight or flight response because we are creatures of survival. Took a lot to get here, makes sense and I don’t blame us.
I am realizing (its a process, potentially never ending), that these words and concepts I’ve told myself to fit into or ‘be’, a lot of which have been fed to me or passed down or caught through the great tingling vines of the internet and what my eyes see. All of it is meaningless and loses purpose unless I feel a deep sense of compassion and love towards it. I can find acceptance through love, satisfaction through love, fulfillment through love and compassion through love. I think despite all of my quirky ways I’m always keen on making my life practical, finding out that love (not the romantic kind) is one big channel for many things was a real thrill. One that I had felt before in different shapes, but maybe forgotten to identify through time.
Through the amazing tool that is therapy, compassion became a recurring topic in my sessions. I continually forget to just embrace things and jump straight to trying to find solutions. Whatever those things are. A bad week, a sad thought, a good week, a good thought. There are no pedestals , no ‘arrivals’ to the ultimate form of ‘existence’ I keep striving for, there is just living and it is EQUAL in all its parts. A big question my therapist asked me that stuck was “Why’s it gotta be either or?”
This feeling of alignment and these feelings of fatigue from sadness and understanding, they are not at one end of a spectrum but rather a part of a flow. These memories I hold as ‘good’ and ones I hold as ‘damaging’, they were painful but now form a part of a story; which I can decide to turn into torment or delight at any moment depending on how much compassion I lend myself. There was a moment in my last session after a particularly challenging week I asked my therapist “so, how many more times do you think you’ll have to remind me to just be kind to myself?”
We both laughed.
As I age I simply move into new experiences that repeat old scenarios with different people in different places. I will constantly be challenged and life will always look for my Achilles heel. This chase wont end and its not meant to. So I could either see it as limbo, snakes and ladders, or just a change of scenery. The challenge in all of this is to feel love throughout it all to help discern what is real to me and what isn’t.
To conclude. I’m just passing through. Thank you for allowing me to share this.
Liquid nitrogen, eyes like cracked crystal and mouth as sharp and swift as a butcher knife.
Frozen, her harsh words and cutting laughter like an effervescent reminder that you wouldn’t stand a chance.
Not to mention the biggest case of RBF he’d ever come across.
(Resting Bitch Face).
She’d walk, more like strut, across the weight room and know that everyone was staring at her, for all the wrong reasons, and she’d toss her watered hair to the side like she didn’t care.
And she probably didn’t.
She’d get whistles, taunts, asks, admirers, and still she’d just tilt her head to the side and smile because she knew she had everybody in the palm of her hand.
Ice, ice cold.
She was hot.
Sweat would gleam at every angle, like a well oiled diamond. Her hair would boil like the water it resembled and just glimmer in the positioned lighting by the treadmills.
Every day she’d snag everyone’s eyeballs, hook them onto a leash and drag them behind her as she ran laps around the track, her assets bouncing and all the eyes that followed her would sweat with nervousness.
Yes, she was a spectrum of temperatures, ranging from the pits of mount doom to the top of a wintered mountain.
“I’m gonna do it.”
Gray sighed, and decided to remind his long-time friend one more time.
“No you’re not.”
He had endured the endless hours of Lyon’s admiration for her. Spent days discussing just how shiny her hair was and just how perky her ass looked on particular Saturday mornings like today.
Frankly, he was getting sick of her.
“Yes, I am.” Lyon said, much more sure than before. Gray didn’t believe him for a second. This had happened yesterday, and the day before, and the months before, even down to the day when she first began to come to the dinky YMCA meant for seniors and fatties.
“Then go.” Gray motioned, noticing that she had just finished her cool down and strolled over to the water fountain to refill her bottle.
“O-ok! I’m going, I’m going!” Lyon yelled, half in excitement and half in annoyance.
He made the slow, and perilous journey to the drinking fountain, encountering terrors like a mysterious puddle of unidentifiable body fluid pooled by the yoga mats, and the ever growing spot of mold in the ceiling above the bench press.
Finally, he reached the prize, the ice cold blazing hot diamond, filing her water bottle up with a sigh of contempt and a bored expression.
Lyon cringed at the intensity of the voice crack, wishing to melt into water and join the rest of it into the girl’s water bottle, his only chance of ever touching her lips.
Which, were now, pursed and shiny with irritation.
“W-well, I had an important…question…that I’d like to take up with you.” He stammered, attempting to straighten his posture but failing.
The girl adjusted her position, looking down on Lyon and knowing every trick in the book to emasculate him.
It was now that Gray noticed how tall she was, long, slender legs adding to every inch of feministic beauty that Lyon so wished to have in his arms.
“Alright.” She said crisply, blinking innocently yet Gray could see the crouched cat behind them, ready to chew Lyon up and spit him back into the water fountain.
Oh well. He was going to have to learn somehow.
“Would you uh…would you…uh…mind…” He trailed off…he’s losing it…he’s losing it…
“Telling me you name?”
She sighed, like she was gravelly disappointed that this was going to go on.
Juvia? How interesting.
Lyon sighed in relief, afraid she’d rip his head off just for standing too close to her.
“I’m Lyon. It’s nice to meet boobs. I mean you!”
Ah…shit. He blew it. He blew it big time.
Her face darkened like an approaching storm.
“Nice to meet your boobs too.” She sneered, looking at Lyon’s chest and Gray was honestly expecting a pair of knockers to spontaneously appear.
“Uh uh uh I’m so sorry! I meant you…I just…”
“Slipped?” Juvia asked, her perfectly trim eyebrows raised in an amused fashion. She was probably enjoying watching him squirm.
Gray would be lying if he said he wasn’t.
“I mean…I mean yes.” Lyon gasped for air like a goldfish on the counter.
She made a humming sound before turning away abruptly.
“Wha…so…I’m sorry…” Lyon apologized, but she didn’t bother to turn around, only continued on her way to the coffee table.
Lyon’s horrified face finally bursted Gray’s bubble of tranquility and he started laughing like a maniac.
“Oh…god…that was…that was a disaster…oh god…why didn’t I…film it….” Gray gasped, resting his hands on his knees to keep himself from tipping over.
Lyon got even paler and looked like he was about to pass out.
“Do…do you think I still have a chance…?”
Gray laughed even harder.
“Sure…sure Lyon…how long do women hold grudges, a day or two?” Gray joked, but Lyon just looked crushed.
“W-well what should I do? Apologize?” Lyon squeaked, the same high pitched voice he got whenever he was agitated.
“Nope. Nope. Bad idea.” Gray shook his head vigorously.
“Ugh…I’m such an idiot…” Lyon mumbled into the palm of his hand.
“Got that right. I’ll go apologize for you.” Gray said nonchalantly, although he did have a few alterior motives…
What was it about this girl that made her totally unreadable? Cold, hot, warm? He had to try it for himself.
She stirred her over sugared coffee, watching the cream swirl with the liquid calmly.
“Uh…excuse me? Sorry, I’m Gray. Lyon’s…er…friend.” He said, a bit guiltily.
She turned and regarded him smoothly. He could sense the judgment immediately, but took it like a man because he was afraid that if he said anything he’d screw up royally like Lyon.
Finally, her eyes stopped scanning and she leaned her hip against the coffee counter, giving Gray the subtle implication that she would listen to what he had to say.
Before speaking, he briefly wondered what her judgment of him was. The less creepy friend who was polite, but still a little weird.
He supposed he’d never know.
“I’d like to apologize on his behalf. He’s been kind of…enamored with you, and he was beyond nervous, so…” please don’t eat him for breakfast.
She did the complete unexpected.
Her icy manner changed, and she offered him a small, warm smile.
“I could tell.”
He smiled back a little bit, the rare oddity was a bit infectious.
“So…please don’t take it out on him. He’s mentally damaged.” Gray lied, but he had recalled Lyon’s mom mentioning a couple glasses of wine while pregnant with Lyon…
“I’ll keep that in mind.” She said, her lips still curved into that mysterious smile. She then let her eyes scan him again, maybe for a second judgment…?
Or was she…checking him out?
He felt a sudden sense of pride, the famous YMCA ice queen had shown faint interest in him. Take that Lyon!
“I guess I’ll see you and white Bill Cosby around.” She bit her lip a little bit and winked.
Gray blinked, stunned.
He let the small amount of information sink in. It took a while, considering the information was so…shocking.
Finally, he came to a simple concensus.
He was coming to the gym ore often.
figured I should finish this bunny cake before I started any other requestss