fluently sarcasm

Potty Mouth, A Michael Jones/Reader fic

Summary: You work at a nursing home, and finally get the chance to meet your favorite resident’s grandson. But, man he didn’t warn you that the guy was so damn cute. 

W/C: 1444

Warnings: Swears

A/N: This totally wsn’t planned, and I know I said I was working on other things, but we all know I have priority issues, and I found this in my old files and decided it must be finished immediately. Sort of dedicated to my dear roosterteethrambles (i know what’s new) but for more reasons than usual now. Thanks to Nikki for her insight on working reception at a nursing home.

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anonymous asked:

hey !! can i request "one day karma is gonna bite you in the ass, ill be here to watch" and "oh im sorry, i thought you spoke sarcasm fluently, never mind then" for college+badboy!taehyung ') thank you x

CHARACTER Kim Taehyung (V)
AU College; Bad Boy

“Here we go again.”

You sigh and adjust the strap of your bag on your shoulder, trying desperately not to make eye contact with anyone as you make your way out of the cafeteria.

Of course, as usual, you fail.

You stop in your tracks, sighing again as you feel an arm drape across your shoulders. You don’t need to turn to know who it is that’s come to stand beside you, overcome with a familiar scent of cigarette smoke and strawberry shampoo once more.

“What do you want now, Taehyung?” you say, deadpan as you try to shrug his arm off.

“Hello to you too, _____,” he laughs, holding you closer to his side as you try to push him away. “How’s life?”

“Oh, spectacular as always. You’re the highlight of my day.” Taehyung grins, unphased by the blatant sarcasm dripping from every word that leaves your lips. “What do you want?”

“I’m having a party on Saturday. I want you to come.”

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 WrittenThroughTime…. Part 3 of your gift!!  The story continues… 


Hey…did you fall in the bottle? He hit the back button…that sounded like he thought she was an alcoholic.  He tried again.

So have you finished the whisky yet?  Nope…that sounded….lame.  He deleted that, too.

Jamie was sitting at his drafting table, hunched over it with his phone cradled between two big hands.  He hadn’t seen Claire in over a week and it was driving him crazy.  His shoulder felt better, but he had hoped she’d pop in to check on her patient.  He sat out on his fire escape hoping to “casually” meet her, only to have the cold drive him inside.  It didn’t matter if he left early in the morning or returned home late at night, he never seemed to run into her.  And he didn’t even know in which hospital she worked.

How did you enjoy the whisky?  Nah. That felt like he was fishing for compliments.  He didn’t want to come across as cocky.

Hi Beautiful.   Oh, he was tempted.  So, so tempted.

“Fuuuuuccckkkkk!” He threw his head back and growled in frustration.  Spinning in his drafting chair he looked out to see Laoghaire, his personal assistant looking back at him through the glass wall of his office.

“Can I help ye with something, Jamie?”  Dammit.  Why did she have to look so hopeful?  Like a broken down puppy starving for attention.

“Can ye get my sister, please?” he asked and stood up to move to his desk, hitting the back button. Again.

Fifteen minutes later, Janet Fraser Murray came striding towards his office. His sister might be small in stature, but she was feisty.  Direct and to the point, she spoke three languages fluently; English, Gaelic and Sarcasm.  She was sharp as a tack and ran the financial end of Fraser Distillery with a tight fist and an eagle eye.  Nothing escaped her notice.  And no deal was finished unless every ‘i’ was dotted and every ‘t’ crossed.  

Jamie loved her to death and wanted to throttle her most days at the same time.  She was also married to his best friend, Ian Murray.  But he’d be damned if he was going to put up with this much longer. This was her mess. He’d make her clean it up.  

“Brother.  I was in the middle of something.  Why the summons?”  He gestured for her to close the door and she did, eyebrow raised.  

“Jenny, I need to ye to get rid of Laoghaire.”  

“Oh, God, not this again!” she said.  “Jamie, you do this every quarter…I’m   not – “

“Yes. Janet. Ye are.” he bit out.  “I mean it this time.  Don’t look now, but –“ Jenny swiveled her head and looked at the shapely blond woman at the station outside her brother’s office.  “You know, for a CFO, you can be kinda daft. I said, don’t look!”

“Poor lovesick darling.”  Jenny clucked her tongue and turned a stern gaze onto her brother.  “You need an assistant, Jamie.  And Laoghaire –“

“Get me Willie.  He’ll do. He’s good wi’ computers, and he can even help me with the digital drawings.”


“Ye owe me, Jenny!” he hissed through his teeth.  Jenny drew herself up straight, and even with her high heeled pumps she only came up to the middle of his chest.  She opened her mouth to say something but he cut her off.  

“This is yer fault.  Ye kent well enough I was drunk that night at the pub. And ye practically shoved the wee lass into my lap.  ‘Dance!’ ye said.  ‘Buy her a drink!’ ye said.  And now because of one snogging session she moons over me all day out there.”  

He sighed deeply, and sat on the corner of his desk. “Truth be told, I canna take it anymore. I feel guilty as hell.”

Jenny knew her brother well. And she realized he really had hit the wall in this situation.  “Fine. I’ll send her to marketing.  Those fools could use someone to keep them organized.”  She eyed her brother curiously.  “Is that it? Anything else ye’d like to tell me? Maybe there’s someone else?”  

“Good day, Janet” He stood up to give his sister a brief hug.  “My love to the kids.  And thank ye.”  Jenny planted a quick kiss on his cheek and squeezed him back.  

Turning on her heel she strode out of the office and he heard her say to Laoghaire, “That’s it settled, then. Marketing is a mess and needs sorting. Starting tomorrow ye report to Rupert Mackenzie.”  Laoghaire gasped and looked at Jamie, and then back at Jenny.

“Sorry.  It’s how it has to be, Laoghaire.  Jamie isna best pleased with the situation either, and he’s sorry to lose ye, but we have to do what’s best. Especially since the wines will be coming out soon.  We need to get that department in order, and Jamie says yer the best person for the job.”  

Jamie watched the whole thing unfold in his reception area.  His sister was masterful, making him look like the hero while making Laoghaire feel important.  And he couldn’t be more grateful.  He shut the door and sank down into the big leather chair behind his desk.  He turned it toward the floor to ceiling glass window that overlooked Edinburgh.  Slouching a little and stretching out his long legs, he resumed his attempt to text one gorgeous, hard-to-forget, emergency room nurse as the city lights came on.

“That’s HIM?”  Geillis shouted as she took Claire’s phone from her.

“Geilli, shhhhhh”, Claire giggled. “Yes. That’s my neighbour.  Jamie Fraser.”

The two women were huddled up on the sofa in the Nurses’ Lounge.  There’d been a lull in the evening and they’d snuck off to grab some dinner and put their feet up.  Claire told her friend the story, complete with belt removal and Geillis had howled with delight.  A quick Google search yielded several pictures. Geillis was now pouring over all of them, settled on the sofa, with her bright red trainers propped up on the old, scarred coffee table. “Damn, Sweetie.  He’s delicious.”  She lifted her deep green eyes to Claire’s.  “And dead sexy.”

“I knooooowwww.”  Claire flopped her head back on the sofa and curled her feet under her.  “He seems really sweet though, too.”  

The phone pinged and Geillis jumped.  Handing it back, Claire noticed a text message.  Not a number she knew.

Did you move? Claire’s brow furrowed.

Excuse me? She texted back.

Did you move? Because another bulb burnt out and before I change it I wanted to make sure you’d be home.  Claire’s head snapped up and she elbowed Geillis, who was scrolling through her Instagram.  “Geilli…it’s him.  Jamie just texted me.”

Geillis practically threw her phone across the room, she sat up so fast.  “What’s it say? What did he say? Is he asking ye out?”  The redhead peered over Claire’s shoulder at the text.

Claire shook her head.  “He has another burnt light bulb.”

“Oh for God’s sake, Claire! He’s FLIRTING!”  She gave Claire that exasperated look she always did when Claire did or said something foolish.  “Well, don’t just sit there.  Answer him!”

Claire stared at her phone. And narrowed her eyes.  I don’t recognize this number. Who is this, please?

Geillis read it over her shoulder and hissed, “What in hell are ye doing?!?”

The ping was immediate.  There’s that many light bulb changers in your building inquiring after your services, then?  

As a matter of fact, no.  Just one very clumsy neighbour.

Geillis’ pager went off and she swore.  “I want to see those later!” she said.  “Claire, ye hear me?”  Claire hummed non-committedly and then giggled when the embarrassed emoji popped up.

How is your shoulder?

Better.  Thank you.  In fact, so much better I wondered if maybe I could take you to dinner?

Claire sat stunned for a minute. The phone pinged again.  You do eat, do you, no?

She laughed.  Yes, I eat.  Quite a lot, actually.  

Good. Me, too.  When and where?  Claire quickly checked her calendar, and sent him her next days off.  She told him to pick the place because she worked so much she really didn’t know of any good restaurants.  She was just about to sign off when his next text came in.

I seem to have a blank space in my contacts where your last name should be …

Very smooth, Fraser….    Beauchamp.  Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp.  Does that help with your OCD?

You’re French?  Interesting.  I wouldn’t have guessed.

It goes back a long way.  And how may I address you, kind sir?  The phone buzzed and vibrated in her hand in perfect five second intervals.  She felt as giddy as a school girl with her first crush.






See you Saturday night, Sassenach.  I’ll knock on your window.

Before she could respond with “what’s a Sassenach?” the door slammed open and Dr. Randall filled its frame.

OTP prompts based on things I witnessed/heard of

- My ex tried to set my apartment on fire and you‘re the neighbour who called the fire brigade.

- We met at a karaoke and we‘ve been pining for each other for months. You need to settle down soon or else you get deported back to your homeland which is a war zone. So… marry me?

- My ex stole my car and parked in the next big city half an hour from here. I really need to get it back, so could you please give me a lift?

- You‘re the eccentric theatre group instructor and I‘m the conductor of the school‘s orchestra. We have to share the assembly hall but we don‘t get along well. Besides, we must be role models to our students so we just share some passive-aggressive conversations in front of them.

  • We share the assembly hall for rehearsals and your Mozart is really disturbing my Hamlet.
  • Our students think our rivalry ridiculous and they now got permission for a musical. Guess we have to work together then.
  • You just trashed the stage for your première and the orchestra has to clean up this mess.
  • No, you cannot take people from the orchestra as your extras, ESPECIALLY NOT OUR SOLOISTS.
  • I just squeezed 60 people with instruments into this tiny classroom to clear the stage for you and you locked out everyone, except for the two protagonists, and now they have to rehearse in the corridor and they disturb my practice. Seriously, what is wrong with you?

- I‘m the co-instructor to your theatre group and you are the director with crazy ideas, and I need to keep you in check before anyone gets hurt.

  • You disregard all theatre traditions just because and decide to stage Macbeth (aka the cursed play).
  • Eating and drinking on stage is bad luck, so why did you install a fully functional Cocktail bar into the scenery?!
  • Did you just rent an entire set of tropical plants for the play, and NO, YOU CANNOT FLOOD THE STAGE TO WATER THEM, DID YOU EVEN THINK THIS THROUGH?
  • NO, DO NOT POUR 20 POUNDS OF PROBABLY ILLEGALLY TAKEN SAND ONTO THE STAGE. How did you even bring this stuff here??!!
  • Our main prop, the hanging mat, just crashed and the show is generally a disaster but you somehow manage to pull through and you‘re having the time of your life, wtf.

- We‘re in the same course and your strand of hair is super distracting so I doodled a pencil portrait of you  to keep me occupied and you saw it.

- You saved my number under my first name but with your last name and you didn‘t notice for years until I saw and pointed it out to you.

- I can‘t recognize sarcasm and you speak sarcasm fluently and we are having the most disastrous conversations because of it.

a little bit angsty

- I jokingly asked you to buy me something expensive and you did, oh no, what do I do now?

- You just asked me out really seriously and I thought it was a joke, and it turns out you have been asking for six months now and I never really answer, and I‘m really sorry, I didn‘t know you mean it.

- Everyone thinks we are dating but we are not, and wait, you thought that, too?

- We are friends with benefits and you actually care for me but can we just return to fucking instead of making love?

- You are one of my best friend you suddenly avoid me and it‘s been almost a year now, would you please just let me know you are alive.

anonymous asked:

Im a little late on the languages but I speak spanish, English, italian and sarcasm fluently jajaja- Argentina

Look we have someone speaking 4 languages lol

Robbers. {Jason Todd x Reader}

Originally posted by genecarlo


Prompt: “you’re really hot, shame about the personality” and “you’re mine, and i don’t share”

Pairing: Jason Todd/ Red Hood x Reader

Word Count: 1982

Insp. Robbers- The 1975

“Jason, Y/N, now isn’t the time to be arguing.” Bruce scolded as he walked by giving pleasing smiles to the party goers who would pass by. Most of them were dressed in their fanciest attire, expensive jewels and bracelets thrown across their neck and arms. Jason was dressed in a simple yet elegant button up shirt, a leather jacket, dress pants and some black converse. Y/N was in a long flowing, black dress that fit nicely on her body with presumably hidden high tops under the dress. She like Jason, was forced by Bruce to attend the party for Wayne industry. The two were not so quietly arguing in the corner, Bruce had overheard the snarky pair complain, bicker or mutter any insult they could to each other, since they arrived. They had a weird relationship, most didn’t understand it. Although to the two it was the most obvious thing in the world. They spoke very fluently in sarcasm, which made everyone wonder what was going on. It was in fact very simple. The first words they had exchanged she could remember as if it was yesterday. It was actually a year ago. Y/N and Jason were working the same job and crossed paths. Y/N saved Jason’s sorry ass and the two had something special from that day on. They were inseparable and together were invincible.

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20 Interesting Zodiac Sign Facts About Aries (Part 6)

1. Aries love to spend time with themselves.

2. Aries are friendly but keep their wall up until they actually know you.

3. Aries are mostly shy.

4. One of Aries greatest strength is being confident.

5. Aries want a relationship where they can act like idiots, talk about the most random stuff, share music and never get tired.

6. Aries need to sense that you are always aware of them

7. Aries speak sarcasm fluently.

8. Aries always make their presence known.

9. Aries would rather regret doing something than…

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anonymous asked:

what did she say now?

She said it was ‘sarcasm’ but honestly I do speak sarcasm fluently and that certainly wasn’t sarcasm. She also said she wants Harry’s number which?! Is that supposed to be sarcasm too? Anyways now she’s deleting comments that call her out on her nastiness. What a lovely person (in case you don’t speak sarcasm - THAT was sarcasm)