Me and my man just broke up. Any advice? Anything and everything is welcome. I just need to know where to go from here.
So I get messages about this almost every day. I don’t know who appointed me ambassador of heartbreak or whatever but that’s not exactly a title I asked for. I’ve been through a lot of shit though, so I understand why people come to me.
ONCE AND FOR ALL I will make a BREAKUP ADVICE MASTERPOST.
This is a letter I wrote to a heartbroken friend of mine last year, and it rings true for everyone.
Firstly, giving yourself a brief crying your eyes out period is necessary. Even though I fucking HATE giving into it, drain yourself of all the toxic saltwater shitty feelings and continue onto the next steps.
I made myself journal a FUCK ton after my breakups. Make so many lists. SO MANY LISTS.
List number one: “I deserve.”
Fill an entire page with what you deserve from a lover. Some examples from both my “I deserve” lists, “I deserve someone who never puts me through anxiety attacks,” “I deserve someone who could never imagine hurting me,” “I deserve someone who respects my beliefs,” “I deserve someone who is not afraid to commit to me,” “I deserve someone who would not lie to me,” “I deserve someone who sees my worth.”
And then make a playlist of the most EMPOWERING shit. Get up and dance to it every morning. Even if it’s cheesy and pop-y and embarrassing. Beyonce and Katy Perry are waiting for you.
DO NOT allow yourself to listen to sad music, no matter how much it relates to your situation so goddamn poetically. I have to give up Ed Sheeran, it was painful.
Discover new music. Don’t dwell on the songs that remind you of them. In fact, discover new EVERYTHING. Don’t let those memories surround you and make you feel claustrophobic. Make new ones.
That was the worst for me. Seeing the things that bring back memories. Feeling like everywhere you turn SOMETHING reminds you of them. It feels as though they’ve got a noose around your brain and memories and every turn you take you’re just fucking strangled with harmful thoughts. Make so many new goddamn memories that the ones of them are faded in the back of your mind.
Every time you’re sad and don’t feel like going out, GO ANYWAY.
No matter how much you want to stay inside and lock everyone out and cry into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s GO OUT AND DANCE. FORCE yourself to be around people, go reunite with old friends, stay constantly occupied. Never let yourself have downtime to have introspective sad thoughts. Being alone is dangerous when you’re depressed.
Fill the void of romantic love with platonic love. It’s more fulfilling anyway. Every time you miss the relationship shit GO OUT WITH YOUR GIRLS. Their love won’t fail you. Surround yourself with sisterhood. Strengthen that shit. Roll around in girl love.
Make a list of things you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t because you have been in a relationship or just haven’t had the time. Do that shit.
Make a list of things you love about yourself. Read it every day.
Pretending to be okay isn’t always the wrong thing to do. You are not weak for feeling devastated. You have plenty of reasons to feel that way. Some days I really do fake it til I make it. After my last break up I have honestly had to fake it every. fucking. day. I have to smile and be perky for my clients every day and sometimes that helps me forget how shitty I felt. And I finally started to feel like the fake happiness and fake confidence transformed into actual genuine feelings. Finally, it started to come out without any effort.
My mom told me some pretty profound shit after the second break up when I told her “This is clearly my fault, all my relationships fail. Every fucking one. Everyone leaves. No one thinks I’m worth sticking around for.”
She told me that someone once told her that a relationship not lasting for eternity does not mean it is a “failure.” Just because you didn’t end up married and happily ever after and riding into the sunset doesn’t mean that you FAILED. A relationship can have a beginning, middle, and end and not be a total loss. You had a big love in your life, and it came to an end. It’s a story that has an epilogue, and that’s okay.
That concept completely blew my mind. It really helped me not see myself as this damaged fuck up who can’t do anything right. I loved my first love, and at one point I thought we were getting married and he was absolutely without any doubt the one for me. Then we grew up and now we’re two different people who aren’t right for each other. And that’s okay. He made me feel amazing at one point in time, but it wasn’t my path.
Every person you love is a stepping stone bringing you closer to the one you are supposed to be with.
Let that shit sink in for a second.
I hate how badly I got hurt, but I know I learned something from each of them. Some of them I had to search REALLY fucking hard to see what I learned, but there’s still a lesson. Each closed love story taught me something I need to seek out in my future lovers. With each partner that walks out of my life, I now have higher and higher standards.
Please whatever you do, don’t let yourself marinade in toxic feelings. It’s easy to check up on them, and try to talk to them and try to keep them in your life in any way possible. But the harder thing to do in this scenario is usually the right thing to do, which is to isolate yourself from them. Don’t go looking for what they’re doing and don’t try to remain friends when your wounds are still fresh.
Everyone seems to want to believe that the whole being friends immediately schtick can work, but I just don’t think it’s possible unless your broken heart is 9000% healed and you are far, far over the pain.
You are beautiful and strong and worthy of so much love.
Every time you see this in a negative light and as a dark time in your life and a time of loss, flip that shit around. You didn’t lose them, you’re gaining YOURSELF.
See this as a huge opportunity of self discovery. You get a new beginning! You’re going to get to know yourself better than you ever have. You’re going to get so in touch with yourself, figure out where you want to go, what you want to do. You’re going to find out just how strong you are. You’re going to learn to love yourself fully. This is a massive opportunity. This is a new page. This is a blank canvas and you can paint that bitch with every color you can imagine.
Don’t allow yourself to wallow in devastation and do not blame yourself. This is a new horizon and you’re going to come out on top. Wake up every morning and ask yourself what would Beyonce do.
I’m holding your hand through this in spirit, I know exactly where you are and we’re both going to be the best versions of ourselves as a result.