if lemony snicket wrote harry potter

Krum attacked Fleur, who responded with “Sacré bleu!” This exclamation is a phrase with many possible meanings and connotations. Literally, it translates to ‘sacred blue’, a phrase which does not appear to make much literal sense, and might lead an earwitness to suspect that the speaker is invoking some kind of nefarious coded phrase. The French invented it as a way to swear without invoking the name of God, as ‘bleu’ and ‘Dieu’ are similar sounding words, such as ‘look’ and ‘book’, or ‘code’ and ‘forebode’, or even ‘last breath’ and ‘painful death’.

This history, while fascinating, is not in fact relevant to this situation. For I, dear reader, happen to be privy to exactly what the young Miss Delacour meant when she exclaimed “Sacré bleu!”, thanks to a chance interview in a crowded fish statue three years after the fact. And so “Sacré bleu” in fact here means ‘oh fucking shit’.

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“Fleur Delacour, Harry noticed, was eyeing Bill with great interest over her mother’s shoulder. Harry could tell she had no objection whatsoever to long hair or earrings with fangs on them.”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Chapter “The Third Task”

[instagram @potterbyblvnk]

fleur delacour falling in love with bill weasley because he sees her. his youngest brother looked and went hair-eyes-teeth-legs, thought body, thought sex. her whole life, men have been looking and seeing a thing, not a girl. since she turned thirteen and bud-breasts pressed up against her shirts and boys at school wanted to sit close, men back home lingered too long in hugs.

until she was fifteen she dressed herself in shame before she put any clothes on at all. wore everything a few sizes too big, a few inches too long. draped herself in thick fabrics to hide the body beneath them. never learned that hot eyes on her were the fault of their owners, not her. took the uncomfortable stares and the endless flirtation as a fact of life. was fourteen the first time she dared to say “stop looking!” and met only laughter.

it’s not until she’s nearly sixteen and her sister is turning ten that she sees eyes begin to slide over her and to gabrielle. a friend of their father’s, not even that deep into a bottle of wine, caresses a child-round cheek and murmurs a line from lolita, eyes too bright and lips too dry. gabrielle flickers a panicked glance around the room. that look is so familiar. the same hour fleur switches her baggy sweatshirt for a crop top and rolls her skirt over two inches. 

they will look at her. never at her sister.

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I firmly believe that Fleur Delacour and Viktor Krum remained friends after the triwizard tournament and that one night while they were celebrating Fleur and Bills engagement a very drunk Fleur bet a not as drunk Viktor that she could catch a snitch before him and so they competed and he won and Fluer lost her end of the bet saying that she would name her first born after him

and that is why their kid is named Victoire and the only reason it isn’t spelled with a k is to annoy Viktor

fleur delacour was always too pretty to be smart. 

she is cooed over and admired, dressed like a doll and adorned like a mannequin, intended to smile and stand in the corner and bring honor to her family through her silent beauty. her chubby cheeks take precedent over her razor sharp mind, her glacial eyes over her loving heart, her delicate hands over her strongheaded determination.

she confesses one time, hesitantly, to her first friend at eight years old that sometimes she feels like people don’t even want to get to know her before dismissing her as airheaded, only to have nathalie scornfully dismiss her misfortune to be born so pretty, oh no, what a hardship. she keeps her doubts to herself after that.

she arrives at beauxbatons amidst hushed whispers and widened eyes, stalks down hallways through murmurs of veela and look at her, all beauty and no brains. her very first class, she completes the transfiguration task within the first five minutes of instruction. her classmates call it a fluke. so she finishes first in charms. potions. defense. herbology. she is not given respect, so she snatches it out of clenched hands, airily forces it out of gritted teeth, wins it from the begrudging.

she stands, on the triwizard stage, the only female among four champions, facing a new crowd of doubters and naysayers, who look incredulously at her flowing hair and fine features, not her fierce spirit and sharp mind. let them be fooled by her appearance, let them underestimate and undervalue and undermine her. she would disprove them, this time and every time, by showing them just how much more she could be.

after all, fleur delacour was always too smart to be only pretty. 

Paint
  • Ginny doesn’t start dating Luna until after she breaks up with Harry
  • Luna was always there to comfort her at hogwarts, so when Ginny asks her to stay over the night after she and Harry broke up, how could she say no?
  • But that morning when Ginny wakes up, Luna is gone
  • She eventually finds her in the garden, eyes red from crying
  • Luna hadn’t been able to sleep in a closed off space since she’d been locked up in the Malfoy basement
  • She’d been sitting outside for hours, afraid to wake up Ginny
  • Ginny promises she doesn’t have to sleep indoors after that
  • Now they sleep outside, their intertwined hands illuminated by the stars
  • But when winter comes and the snow starts to fall, even the most powerful heating charms won’t work against the cold
  • Ginny decides this won’t do, and asks everyone she knows to come over for new years
  • And all of Luna’s friends arrive to finally make her feel safe and at home
  • Dean, Seamus and Dennis Creevey paint the ground floor to look like the open parts of the forbidden forest
  • Percy and Oliver Wood make the laundry room look like a quidditch pitch
  • Fred and George draw the most ridiculous creatures they can think of in the hallways of their new house
  • Harry, Ron and Hermione paint the bathroom to look like a huge coral reef
  • Ginny and Neville transform the guest room into a moorland
  • The attic was turned into a meadow filled with flowers by Bill, Fleur and Cho  
  • Only one room was done by just one person
  • Because Ginny knew he regretted not saving Luna from his basement more than anything
  • And he wanted to show her how sorry he was
  • So when midnight neared, and Luna came home to find all of her friends there
  • In a house where she finally didn’t feel trapped
  • She met a boy with pale blond hair
  • And scars across his chest
  • Sitting in the middle of her bedroom
  • Covered in paint, surrounded by the night sky
  • And Luna smiled, because she had the most perfect girlfriend
  • And Draco smiled, because he knew he’d made up for at least one of his mistakes
  • And Harry smiled, because he now finally knew who to kiss at midnight.
  • And they were happy
  • And all was well

Inspired by the lovely @linnydefensesquad and @climbingtowers