(warnings for spiders. this story is literally about spiders and also killing them)
so my parents are out of town and my sister is at her boyfriends house and i was sitting in the dining room at the table and all of a fuckin sudden???? this massive ass spider crawls across the table and starts just fucking chilling there???? like he owns the god damn place?????? so i did what any mature responsible adult would do and i flipped the fuck out. once i stopped hyperventilating i called my girlfriend to ask her what the FUCK DO I DO?! and of course she told me to throw shit at it to squish it. but lo and fuckin behold, the motherfucker dodged all that shit and ran away.
so obviously at this point, were at war. were fucking entrenched in this thing (we being me, the soldier on the ground, and my girlfriend, who was acting as my handler of sorts. this spider had come into MY territory and it was about to learn who the fucking BOSS is) so im on a hunt for this thing, and eventually i find it again under my dishwasher. luckily, that is just big enough for my boot to get under there. so i grab my boot, which are fairly heavy and very much so solid, and just REAMED that motherfucker. i want him DEAD and GONE. but????? IT LITERALLY DOES JACK ALL AND THAT ASSHOLE SEEMED COMPLETELY IMMUNE TO MY ATTACKS!!!!!!!
he literally just sat there while i repeatedly slammed him with a GOD DAMN BOOT and occasionally hed run like half and inch away. so i gotta change up my plan of attack but heres the thing; before i had full range of my house and full use of everything in it. now hes WAY too close to the door to the mudroom and through that the basement. so when my girlfriend suggests grabbing a broom from the basement? well shit just got TOUGH. so im having a staring contest with this guy trying to work up my nerve to pass him half a second away from fucking crying when he starts moving.
he wasnt running anywhere his god damn spindly ass legs from hell are just twitching and shit. so i think hey maybe i injured him maybe hes not some weird indestructible being so i gotta check this shit out. but no that motherfucker wasnt injured. you wanna know what he was doing? he waS JUST EATING SOME GOD DAMN RANDOM ASS BUG HED FOUND LIKE IM IN THE MIDDLE OF SERIOUS ATTEMPTS ON THIS ASSHOLES LIFE AND HE STOPS FOR A GOD DAMN SNACK LIKE ITS NOTHING
i mean eventually i got the broom and killed him but god
that was fucked up
shit fucked me up