flathead valley community college

Why Did I Just Write This Instead of My Final?

Sometimes I wonder if my college years were a waste. Well…perhaps not a waste…they weren’t, but rather…that I didn’t seize enough opportunities. I think a big part of the problem that is making me feel this way was that I transferred twice. This is the first year that I’m actually at the same school. 

It was never my intention to transfer. I chose Carroll, and that’s where I was going to graduate. First semester. Loved it. I remember getting a call from some place, actually, asking me if I was considering transferring. I thought this to be the most ridiculous thing ever, thus, said no. I don’t know what clicked in me, but come February, I needed to be out. I needed to leave Helena. Another three years there just felt so wrong to me. I mean, I had the most beautiful people in my life, but I had to go and do what was right for me. I no longer loved it there. Actually. I began to hate it. Despise it. Sometimes I still go, and I feel stifled by the town. Not Carroll. Just the town. 

So where did I go? Home. Kalispell, Montana. One year before, I would grimace at my mother suggesting going to FVCC. We argued about it A LOT. I mean, I had never lived anywhere else except Kalispell. I had never lived away from home. This all seems so silly now, looking back on it. I’m glad I left the first year, I learned a lot. And I learned that I could take care of myself. Yes, I was home every three weeks, but baby steps, people. Baby steps. So I enrolled in FVCC, and took a summer class simply because I couldn’t find a job and I was bored. I also auditioned for Dracula: The Musical?. I remember being sooooo scared when I walked into that theatre because I knew nooooo ooooone. Weird to think about now, right? The funny thing was that I felt more at home there in two hours than I had the year at Carroll. I met the greatest people during that show, and it made the transition into the school year and the theatre department there that much easier. I do remember the first day of class though, and calling Jackie, basically having a panic attack. Jesu Christo. I worry about everything, don’t I? I have a problem. I’m waaaay too much of an anxious person. Aaaanyway. I called her crying because I felt like I couldn’t do it. I needed to be back at Carroll or quit school all together or something. Well I slapped myself across the face and pulled myself together. That year was dedicated to getting all my gen eds in to get my AA. Why did I do this? I reeeeaaaaalllly don’t actually know. I think I wasted a lot of my energy on classes I never needed in order to fulfill something that, I don’t even think at the time, I believed I needed. 

Yeah. That includes math and science.

Dude. I go to Lang now. They don’t give a shit about those subjects. Or gen eds. They just sit stupidly on my transcript now. I should have taken more theatre classes. Or travelled. To Venice…just saying. And that’s where my “seizing opportunities,” or lack there of, comes in. I really wish I would have travelled more. Oh. Did I say more? I mean “at all.” Yes, of course I am happy as a daisy that I live and go to school in fucking New York City. Duuuuuh. Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Buuuut…had I gone to one school all four years, I could have taken a semester to go somewhere, say….anywhere in Europe. I guess my biggest wish is that I would have had the balls to go to Lang as an 18-year-old. Yeah, duh, it would have been difficult, but I’m sure I would have survived. 

But I can’t dwell on this; it’s just been in my head for forever. I get really jealous of people who are like, “yeah. I spent a semester in bladibladiblabla” but whatever. I think all this transferring business happened for a reason. I had to find who I was, and I had to go to these places for specific reasons. I can easily identify what each school has taught me in my growing experience. What the people there have taught me, really. So I guess what this means is that I’ll have to travel more once I graduate. That means, I either have to book an international tour or show, ooooor I get rich (probably by marrying some rich dude :D).