flared out

My skin breaks out and flares up, resentful of my poor bone structure, perhaps. My hair tries to fly away from my scalp, unruly and untamed. My body aches and creaks insolently. My hands gesticulate wildly, trying to fly from my wrists. My eyebrows raise frequently, wanting to distance themselves from my eyes, I suppose. Why is my physicality so rebellious, contrary carnality? It’s in protest of my insides, foolhardy heart and cutting mind.
—  I’m failing at feeling beautiful

i had this friend. loud, vivacious, and brimming with energy and colour. her sun-bright smile drew others to her like moths to flame; and yet she could always pick me out from the crowd effortlessly. i wondered how she did that, why she’d pick me over many. 

she was the kind of person you could never look away from for long, but i saw her better from my peripherals. when she lifted her chin, her face would become awash with glowing light; and then she’d laugh about her pale skin, and the ruddy cheeks and dark freckles would appear again, as if they’d momentarily blanked out. when she grew protective, her blue eyes would spark dangerously and burn white; and then she’d blink, and the glint of her glasses would stand in with explanation. 

but i saw her best from the back. when she’d run, her fire-bright curls would flare out behind her like wings.

as flighty as she was, she always came back to me. i wondered why. 

she told me, once. 

one day, before class had started, when i was in the middle of falling asleep in the sunbeam warming my desk, she turned around in her seat to talk to me. she spoke with her whole body, from her waving hands to her bouncing shoulders. 

then she petered off, and settled into stillness. watchfulness. despite all the eyes on her, she only saw me. 

“hey,” she said. “could you look at me for a sec?” 

and when i lifted my head to look at her straight on, she smiled as if she’d found the answer. 

“look at that,” she murmured. “your eyes have halos in them too.” 

the vagabond getting flustered as all hell whenever he’s accused of a crime he didn’t actually do. ( for once. )

a story comes on the news about a recent attack on an armored truck in fake ah territory. everyone looks at ryan, who gives them all an utterly baffled look.

“i — didn’t, though. i mean, i - i don’t think i did. did i? no, no, that one wasn’t me. i think. yeah.”

another news story about a bizarre string of murders, carried out by flare gun. everyone looks at ryan.

“oh yeah that was totally me.”


More Stretch Knit Flared Pants

Someone asked me recently why I would pass up an opportunity to wear a skirt to wear pants. As much as I love skirts and dresses, I would gladly wear pants like these anytime! Not only do they fit great and make me feel sexy, the generous flare helps to balance out my wide shoulders. Plus I love how they swish when I walk!

Thank you to everyone that made comments about this top, it is my first purchase from PattyBoutik and I love it! They are a little pricey but I feel it was a great investment, something easily dressed up or down.

I really need to work on my lighting, some really funky shadows going on here.

How to study when you’re feeling (extra) shitty

If you’re chronically ill and in school, you may have already figured out a system that works for you on most days. Even if that’s the case, sometimes a flare comes out of left field and you’re left scrambling. These are a few things that I’ve found helpful in surviving extra bad days during the school year. A lot of this also applies to acute illness whether you’re chronically ill or not.

Maybe don’t study

Are you going to make yourself feel worse if you study now? Is pushing through going to jeopardize your health? Are you just feeling too awful? If so, it’s okay to let things go for an hour, a day, a week, or longer.

You come first. Always.


Do you have PRN or OTC medications that can help with symptom management? Have you taken your daily meds? Do that before you try to do anything else. You’re going to be able to get a lot more done (not to mention the fact that you just plain won’t feel as miserable) if you take whatever medication you have available to you rather than trying to tough it out.

Check in with yourself

Have you gotten some sort of nutrition? Are you sufficiently hydrated? Do you need to close your eyes for a few? Do whatever is accessible to you in the moment to take care of yourself.


What absolutely has to be done now and what can wait until you’re closer to your baseline? 
Are there things that you can get an extension on? Professors that are more lenient with grading? Classes you have opportunities for extra credit in? Does it make sense to skip class and use those spoons to get work done? On the assignments that you have to get done now, is there anything that you feel comfortable doing a mediocre job on just to get it done?
 Figure out what’s the most important and go from there.


If you’re going to turn things in late, miss class, need an extension, or just want to give your professor a heads up that you’re not feeling great and X may happen as a result, shoot them an email. The sooner the better, but it’s infinitely preferable to send a last second email asking for an extension (or to send one after the fact) than not to send one at all. If you can, I’d also really recommend talking with your professor before there’s a problem, but if that’s not a possibility, don’t stress it.

If you feel like this is going to be a longer term issue, it’s a good idea to communicate with disability services and/or your advisor to see what your options are.

Get comfy (ish)

Find a study spot that you can work in effectively and make yourself as comfortable as possible. When my pain levels are high, I don’t like to work it public spaces where I have to sit upright and deal with the extra sensory input, so I usually get set up on my couch with a heating pad, my maternity pillow (these things are the best), and a lap desk. 

Maybe for you it makes sense to set yourself up in the bathroom so you don’t have to run back and forth every two seconds. Or maybe you need to work somewhere dark and quiet. There’s really no way to do this wrong, so play around and figure out what works for you.

Take breaks

A 10-2 system often works well for me, but this is another one where you really can’t do it wrong. Take as many breaks as you need for as long as you need them. Play around to find something that feels comfortable for you.

Be gentle with yourself

Didn’t get everything you wanted to done? That’s okay. Didn’t get anything at all done? That’s okay too. It’s okay to rest. Your well being is always the most important thing.

Happy studying!

Let It Bleed: The Rolling Stones, Altamont, and the End of the Sixties (Scan)

Slow Mo Guys FAHC Origins

It began with one question.

Hey Dan?

Yeah Gav?

Ever wanted to know just how slow human reflexes are?

The two have always been inseparable. Following each other’s ideas through thick and thin. So when Gavin had the idea of filming slow motion cinematography Dan was right there with him. They filmed the silliest ideas-how would your face look like in slow mo if I hit it Dan, come on, let me test it out, for the video b! They did old science experiments and human movements. Then, they dealt with destruction-it was the most fun to record, seeing the glass shatter and explosions flare out, the colors of red, orange, grey, black circle through the sky above. They got more adventurous.

How would a shotgun look like in slow mo Dan?

Well let’s find out yeah?

Soon enough they were using various guns, makeshift or otherwise, in their shots. And they were entranced. The way a gun really functions had Dan fixated and searching for more to test out. The smoke and deep sounds of a bullet firing kept Gavin on his toes, begging for more. Bangers, fires, sledgehammers became a part of their lives. They loved every bit of it.

Eventually, Dan got into the military. He left Gavin on his own from time to time, but whenever they had time together, they filmed. They filmed and got more enthusiastic. Dan got access to more ammunition for them to test, got skills to perform more stunts. And Gavin loved it, he loved seeing Dan excited for his sake. They enjoyed this newfound hobby.

When Dan’s away, Gavin decides to gain a new hobby. He’s always been pretty smart, though he sure doesn’t act like he is from time to time. He worked on computer codes, and he was good. Eventually it turned to reprogramming. Finally, it became hacking, it was immersive to him. He loved this too, wanted to do something with this in his life.

He did small things, not too noticeable, messing with cameras in his area, seeing just what he could do. He felt amazing, like a spy film, he’s always thought they were amazing, he’d be a spy if he could.

Dan trained hard in the military. Ever since he was a child did he want to do something good for the country. Now he was finally there. Eventually, though, he started to feel something else. He wanted more, but of what? Freedom. Attack. Destruction. He collected arsenal, for Gavin to film but also for himself. He wanted them, needed them. He left the military more and more then, rather doing his own thing with them than with the army he’s in.

Gavin saw this, spark, in Dan’s eyes when handling his collection. And Gavin, oh god did he love it. He too wanted to do more than these slow motion videos with his life. He wanted to be adventurous once more.


Yeah, b?

Let’s do something absolutely mental.

Like what?

…I dunno. But it will be the best thing we will ever do.

..I’ve got an idea.


Oh yeah.

Their first crime was definitely something. Gas masks on and lab coats swaying in the breeze they took down an entire convenience store with just their adrenaline and a pair of assault rifles. And they continued. Each time more spectacular than the last. They gained popularity in the streets of the UK, they were the Slow Mo Guys. Whether it was simple pistols to flamethrowers and grenade launchers, they created havoc and the two were unstoppable.


Yeah b?

Why are we still here?

The two had always dreamed of making it big in America. And though they got big in a much different way than they expected, that was still their goal.

Y'know why Gav. I’m still in the military. Have to be, plus it’s our source of ammunition. But I promise we will go. Soon.

In the meantime, the Slow Mo Guys held the UK in their hands, bending them at their will. And when Dan was gone, Gavin did his own thing, unlocking Intel on some of the most powerful people in the world. Soon enough, he got recognized for this talent, in America. A man named Burns contacted him for help, offered him jobs. And he took them, he only needed to get info and check cameras so he could stay home.

Then, he got a call for an offer unlike the others. A man was starting his own crew, and had heard of him. But, he also mentioned Dan, though not by his name.

The Slow Mo Guys - that’s your name right? - have gotten pretty well known. Hell, I’ve seen shit on your crew on TV, and I live in Los Santos! Y'know where that is? West coast baby. And I want all y'all in my crew, the Fakes. Think about it, and you can contact me with your answer. This is the offer of a lifetime. Just ask Burns for Ramsey and he’ll connect you with me.

Gavin couldn’t even talk with the man’s speech and the sudden end of the call. He processed the information and couldn’t handle his enthusiasm. He was finally going to America, with a job, a plan, and Dan will be right there with him. He’d tell him when he came back.

Dan, I’ve got the best news!

You finally got some?


Sorry sorry, what is it b?

We got a job offer in America. A crew wants to hire us full time! We can live our dream.

Gavin described the conversation with Ramsey in full detail, how they were famous in America just as much as in England. How they’d be set for life with money, a place to stay, and safety and protection. The both were set on this offer, until one small problem crept back to them.


Yeah Dan?

I-I can’t go.

What? Why not Dan?

I can’t leave yet b. I still got half a year in the military, I’m sorry.

I can fix this, get Ramsey to wait till we can both go together!


I’ll figure it out, maybe he’ll be alright with it!


We can both go, if he wants us he’ll be willing to wait!


Gavin, go.


Go to America without me, it’ll be fine.

But Dan! You’re my b, I can’t leave you.

Who said anything about leaving me? Like he said its an offer of a lifetime. I’ll figure out a way to get there after I get out. But you deserve this. Don’t let me hold you back. You were always the brains of this operation.


Just do this for me, make sure I got a spot reserved with them.

OK Dan.

Gavin called Burns and contacted Ramsey.

See you made the right choice! When you wanna get here?

Gavin flew to Los Santos within a week. Dan had already gone back to his squad so he couldn’t see him go, but he made sure to beforehand. When the plane landed, he was met by Burns-just call me Burnie, really it’s fine-and he took him to his office. There, two people waited for him. A man in a suit, his hair disheveled but kept nice, and a lazy smile set on his face. The woman next to him was completely opposite to him, sporting a tacky Hawaiian shirt and blue striped shorts, her face soft and kind. The man came up and held out his hand.

The names Geoff. Geoff Ramsey. This is Jack. Welcome to the crew.

I’m Gavin. Gavin Free. Wonderful to be here.

It began with one question.

Hey Gav?

Yeah Dan?

See you soon, b.

Can’t wait. They’ll love you.