300k on house hunters: here’s a shack, you might be able to afford paint.
300k on fixer upper: here is an Irish castle that was moved brick by brick from it’s oceanside cliff. We can completely update it, with new appliances, and three pools. We’re also going to make it really personal for you and invite you to hang out at our cool farm.
300k on flip or flop: We bought this studio at an auction. It doesn’t have a ceiling, the walls have holes, and there is a family of racoons living in the floor. We’re going to cover everything in granite and sell it for a million dollars.

i’m lying on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.  the tv flickers with life, casting an eerie hue in the dark.  on the screen, a young couple weeps over their house reveal on Fixer Upper.  surrounding me are avocado peels and toast crusts.  that could’ve been me.  that could’ve been me.