fixed it sorry!

my experiences with overwatch characters
  • genji: despite all the 'i need healing' memes, they're usually pretty nice. they know the entire team is watching and waiting for them to crash and burn
  • mccree: either spawn from hell or just here to have a good time (usually the latter). will probably try to say hi at the enemy spawn
  • pharah: very friendly. will almost never get their ult to go off but won't be salty about it. thanks healthpacks
  • reaper: KINKY. either cursed as shit or will say hello to anything and everything. anyone that mains reaper has dreamt of him crushing their head between his monster thighs
  • solider 76: VANILLA. it's okay though, most people want to fuck him but can't explain it
  • sombra: definitely only here to have a good time since she's basically useless until the devs give her a monster buff. if the player spams the boop voiceline you will hear that noise in your nightmares forever
  • tracer: very high chance they're gay. very high chance one of the enemy team will switch to tracer because they're annoying
  • ana: absolute sweethearts who will risk life and her other eye to keep you alive. secretly enjoys watching the person she's nanoboosted lose their fucking mind trying to make the most of it though
  • lúcio: again, really sweet. unless they're on ilios in which case he's public enemy number one and even if he's on your team you shoudn't trust him
  • mercy: probably picked healer because everyone else picked genji and hanzo. alternatively, a masochist. if the pistol is used a lot they probably mained medic in TF2 and don't fear god or death
  • zenyatta: most likely play competitive too much. another top tier picks for gays but they probably have clinical depression
  • symmetra: [flicking teleporter on and off] welcome to my reality welcome to my reality
  • reinhardt: in the top three most likely to say hi in spawn. please get behind him
  • roadhog: this one is skin dependent. normal roadhogs are like your weird uncle but roadhogs with the islander or junkenstein's monster skin are maniacs and will hook your entire ancestral line across the map
  • winston: i've only ever seen like three. cryptids
  • zarya: tied with tracer and zenyatta as a pick for gays. a good zarya will take your bullets and shove them back up your ass at mach-1 speed
  • d.va: the chaotic good of the universe. probably has play of the game before the match has even started
  • bastion: probably tried to play bastion in competitive once and that was enough. anyone that places him on that elevator thing in hollywood is a scorpio
  • hanzo: they take skirmish way too seriously
  • junkrat: THE CHAOTIC EVIL TO D.VA'S CHAOTIC GOOD. the sound of a riptire is actually an effective tactic to kill the enemy team irl because half of them will have a stroke out of stress
  • torbjörn: lava eating machine. all of them are cursed and i'm personally afraid of him
  • widowmaker: 57 shots, 1 kill. if they're using the odile skin they're probably a straight male
  • mei: fuck you to hell
6

Happy Pride Month! <3 Wanted to do something special for it with my kids!

the signs as john mulaney quotes
  • aries: hi, I'm very gay, and I'd like a few dollars
  • taurus: I don't look older, I just look worse. honestly, when I'm walking down the street, no one's ever like "hey! look at that man!" I think they're just like "woah, that tall child looks terrible! get some rest, tall child! you can't keep burning the candle at both ends!"
  • gemini: I'm really sorry about last night, it’s just that I'm mean and loud. it probably will happen again
  • cancer: I have had a very long day. I am very small... and I have no money... so you can imagine the kind of stress I am under
  • leo: some babies will point at me, and I don't care for that shit at all
  • virgo: when I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man that's kind of over it sexually
  • libra: everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds
  • scorpio: I'll keep my emotions right here, and then one day, I'll die
  • sagittarius: sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV, even though he already owns that movie on DVD. pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him
  • capricorn: cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man, trying his best
  • aquarius: I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like, 28 years, and then I walked right out here
  • pisces: in terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroine
8

Is [Kit Harington] as good looking in person as he appears on television? This guy…this guy… I mean seeing him on screen is nice enough right. It’s nothing compared to what I’m going to call the ‘live experience.’ - John Bradley. (requested)