Tamlin : Who does she think she is?
That girl has tangled with the wrong man!
Lucien : Darn right.
Tamlin : No one says “no” to Tamlin!
Why, it’s more than I can bear.
Lucien : More wine?
Tamlin : What for? Nothing helps.
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Tamlin
Looking so down in the dumps
Ev'ry guy here’d love to be you, Tamlin
Even when taking your lumps
There’s no man in court as admired as you
You’re ev'ryone’s favorite guy
Ev'ryone’s awed and inspired by you
And it’s not very hard to see why
No one’s slick as Tamlin
No one’s quick as Tamlin
No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Tamlins’s
For there’s no man in Prythian half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, dick or Stanley
And they’ll tell you whose team they prefer to be on
No one’s been like Tamlin
A High Lord like Tamlin
No one’s got a swell cleft in his chin like Tamlin
Tamlin : As a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating!
Lucien and the whole spring court :
My what a guy, that Tamlin!
Give five “hurrahs!” Give twelve “hip-hips!”
Tamlin is the best
And the rest is all drips
No one fights like Tamlin
Douses lights like Tamlin
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Tamlin!
Ianthe : For there’s no one as burly and brawny
Tamlin : As you see I’ve got biceps to spare
Lucien : Not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny
Tamlin : That’s right!
And ev'ry last inch of me’s covered with hair
Spring Court :
No one hits like Tamlin
Matches wits like Tamlin
Lucien : In a spitting match nobody spits like Tamlin
Tamlin : I’m especially good at expectorating!
Spring court : Ten points for Tamlin!
Tamlin : When I was a lad
I ate four dozen eggs
Ev'ry morning to help me get large
And now that I’m grown
I eat five dozen eggs
So I’m roughly the size of a barge!
Spring court : Oh, ahhh, wow!
My what a guy, that Tamlin!
No one scratches like Tamlin
Makes those claws like Tamlin
Lucien : Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Tamlin
Shane as he walks into the Saloon: “Three drinks and then I go home.”
Shane two hours later on the table: “When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large! And now that I’m grown I eat five dozen eggs, and I’M ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A BAAAAAAARGE!”
It reminded me of Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. Then I got carried away and adapted Gaston’s song. (I imagine that maybe Le Fou is Matt the Radar Technician in this song, even though they are the same people.)
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Kylo
so down in the dumps
trooper’d love to be you, Kylo
taking your lumps
no man on base as admired as you
everyone’s favorite guy
awed and inspired by you
not very hard to see why
slick as Kylo
quick as Kylo
hair’s as incredibly thick as Kylo
no man on base half as gorgeous
a pure paragon
ask any First Order Officer
they’ll tell you whose team they’ll always be on
sinned like Kylo
of Ren like Kylo
got a huge nose on his face like Kylo
specimen, yes, I’m intimidating
a guy, that Kylo!
rest is all drips
fights like Kylo
knight like Kylo
In a light
saber match nobody smites like Kylo
there’s no one as burly and brawny
see, I’ve got biceps to spare
Not a bit
of him’s scraggly or scrawny
Ren has got an eight pack I swear!
hits like Kylo
fits like Kylo
force choke, nobody constricts like Kylo
especially hot and intoxicating
points for Kylo!
was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
morning to help me get large
that I’m grown I eat five dozen eggs
roughly the size of a barge
aloof like Kylo
recluse like Kylo
tromping around wearing boots like Kylo
Darth Vader in all of my decorating
Prompt: Waking up after staying over at their house for the first time (after the fist fight with the mob), and trying to sneak out to avoid embarrassment. You end up getting caught and interacting with them. 1000% fluff
TW: Spicy language, moderately bad French, reference to bruising due to fighting, ADORABLE FLUFF AND BAD MEMES
A/N: you don’t have to read the previous fic for this to make sense, but here it is if you’re into that: https://hamilkilo.tumblr.com/post/159215378999/brawl-in-the-streets Anyways, thank you for reading, as always. Thank you for all the support and kindness y'all have shown me on my previous posts! I love you! Also, If you want me to tag anything, let me know! I want you to feel safe when reading my work! Please enjoy!
Word Count: 2792
The morning after you fist fought the protestors, you woke up in a ton of pain. Everything hurt. In retrospect, you wished you had eaten four or five dozen eggs as a child so that you could’ve been as large as Gaston, but you didn’t. You barely even knew how to fight. Your face showed that.
You groaned as you sat up, feeling your pulse in your face. You knew it was going to be a swollen mess. Your mouth felt full of cotton, and your head was pounding. You looked over at the nightstand to see that the digital clock read 5:14. You groaned again. You were awake with pain, and you knew you wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. You figured it was for the best. This way, you could sneak out like it was a one night stand, only a lot worse.
You got up, wincing and cursing the entire way, and limped your way over to your clothes, wallet, and phone on the love seat. They really did have a nice guest room. Come to think of it though, you don’t remember their house being all that big. Did they each have their own rooms, or did they share rooms and have bunk beds? You guessed it didn’t matter. You quickly, well, as quickly as one in your condition could, changed and crept to the door. The room was fairly dark, but due to the open blinds, the moonlight spilled on the floor. You pulled the door open slowly, and thanked the universe for the fact that it did not squeak on its hinges. You tiptoed and groped your way down the dark hallway, then frowned when you saw dim light coming from the living room. You moved slowly, trying not to give yourself away to whatever, or whoever, was in there. You slowly peaked around the corner and saw Alex sitting on the couch, typing away on his laptop. There was a small burrito of John curled up against him and out like a light. A kid’s show played on the TV in the background. Maybe, if you were lucky, you’d be able to make it to the door without being detected. The couch was forward far enough that you’d be able to go behind it to reach the exit. You began to ninja your way towards the door, crawling on your hands and knees behind the couch when a floorboard creaked, and the typing stopped.
“Laf?” Alex’s voice was soft and raspy from how tired he was. You were frozen in your position, holding your breath. After a moment of silence, he returned to typing, and you let out a sigh of relief. You began to move again, your muscles tight and sore. You bit your lip to hold back the pain, desperate to get out of this awkward situation.
“Hey, Alex?” You heard a groggy voice from the couch. Shit. John must’ve woken up. You really picked a shitty time for your escape.
“Dearest?” If you weren’t in so much pain, you would’ve cooed out loud at how adorable they were.
“It’s late; we should go to bed,” John mumbled before he yawned, and without warning, he began to stretch, and he managed to bap you in the face. You cried out in surprise and pain, causing both of the boys to leap off the couch.
“Y/N?!” Alex was incredulous. He couldn’t fathom why you’d be behind the couch.
“Mornin’,” you greeted them both sheepishly. So much for a stealth escape.
“What are you doing up?” John asked as he came around the couch to stand in front of you. He squatted down beside you and gently grabbed your chin. “I didn’t hurt you, did I? Jeez, I’m so sorry! I’m such a klutz!”
You blushed and picked yourself up, stumbling in the process. John steadied you and held onto your arm. “No, no. I’m fine. I was… uh… just going for my morning stroll!”
He frowned at you, “Do I look like an idiot?”
You bit your lip to keep from giving him a sassy response, and instead, you shook your head. “I was actually going to go home. I’ve caused y'all enough trouble lately-”
“Nonsense!” Alex interrupted you. He had joined the two of you behind the couch and grabbed your hand in his. These two were turning out to be very touch oriented. “You threw rocks at bigots! That’s iconic! And, now you’ve been in a fight! You’re bad ass, Y/N!”
“Alex, shhh,” John shushed him since he was getting excited. He didn’t want to wake the others.
“Right,” Alex gave you an apologetic grin, “Anyways. Do you want some coffee?”
You shook your head in bewilderment. “It’s like five thirty in the morning on a Saturday…”
“Exactly!” He looked at you like you’d just stated that the sky was blue. “I do my best work when I stay up all night.”
“That’s arguable,” John grumbled, and you giggled. “Your typo count goes up when you don’t sleep. Your writing starts to sound paranoid and-”
“Everyone’s a critic!” He scoffed, and John rolled his eyes.
“Come on, you go to bed, and I’ll get Y/N some coffee,” John offered, and Alex scoffed this time.
“Do you even know me?” He demanded, throwing his hands on his hips. This was like the opera, only better. So much drama. And for free!
“Alexander, don’t you sass me!” John scolded him. Then he leaned forward and put his lips by his ear. In a voice you could barely hear, he growled lowly, “If you go to bed right now, I’ll do that thing you like later tonight.”
Alex’s eyes got wide, and he blushed deeply. You bit your lip to keep from squealing. Why didn’t you have a guy like that?
“Good night, John! Good night, Y/N! See you in the morning!” He rushed out, and he leaned over and pecked John on the lips, before he tensed like he caught himself in a mistake. Then, he turned to you and quickly pecked your lips, too. You didn’t move, you were too stunned. He quickly went off down the hallway, and you heard a door shut.
“Well,” John cleared his throat, ducking to hide his slight blush. “Let’s get you some breakfast, shall we?”
You held up your hands, “It’s fine, really-”
“No, I insist! It’s the least we can do. Come on!” He sounded almost offended, and you relented.
You followed him into the kitchen where he opened the cabinets. “What are we feeling today? Cereal? Waffles? Pancakes? Eggs? Tequila?”
John gave you a sly smirk on the last one, and you couldn’t help but giggle. “Cereal is fine.”
“Awesome. This one’s actually my favorite!” He pulled down a box of Lucky Charms and put it on the counter. He brought down two bowls for you, then he got the milk.
He poured you some cereal, and you grinned. “For some reason,” you began, “I feel like that Jefferson guy would be the kind to pour his milk first, then the cereal.”
John paused in pouring the milk, and you cringed. Why did you even speak? You probably offended him. Way to go. Then, he dropped the carton on the counter, milk sloshing out, and he began to absolutely cackle like he was losing his mind. You watched him in mild alarm as he gripped the edge to keep himself from falling over. Then, you found yourself laughing with him. You were being loud, you knew that, but his laugh was just so contagious.
“John! What’s going on? Are you okay?” Hercules came running into the kitchen, baseball bat in one hand (a/n low key considered putting “dildo in the other” but refrained, yw), teddy bear in the other. He let the bat drop down to his side when he saw the both of you rearing like hyenas.
“Y-y-y/N,” John stuttered between fits of laughter and gasps for breath, “Tell Herc what you told me!”
Herc looked at you in anticipation, and butterflies filled your stomach. You managed to stifle a nervous giggle, “Jefferson’s the guy that pours his milk before the cereal-”
“POURS HIS MILK BEFORE THE CEREAL! AHAHA!” John lost it again, and you followed suit. Herc just looked between the town of you in fear, then he chuckled to himself.
“You two are something else,” he said as he propped the bat against the counter.
“John,” you wheezed, hunched over the counter in another peel of laughter, “the cereal’s going to get soggy-”
“Just like JEFFERSON!” He hollered out, erupting at the end of the phrase again, and this time, Herc’s booming laugh followed.
“He probably indulges in soggy cereal!” Herc added, laughing with John and you.
“Qu'est-ce c'est?” You turned around to see Lafayette slowly approaching the kitchen, his hair up in pig tails as he rubbed sleep from his eyes.
“Um, comment est-ce tu dit… Jefferson aime le soggy cereal?” You managed to form half of a sentence in botched French, which, unknowingly to you, made it unbearably hilarious to Lafayette.
“Mon Dieu! Merde! C'est marrant!” And soon, the four of you were laughing your asses off in the kitchen, the cereal long forgotten. By some work of God, you’d managed to not wake up Alex. That kid could sleep like the dead.
After what seemed like forever, you had managed to calm down, and John dumped the soggy cereal in the sink.
“So, eggs?” He offered, and you smiled at him.
“Do you have hot sauce?” You questioned, and Hercules laughed before high fiving you.
“Bad ass!” He exclaimed, and you giggled again. For some reason, these boys just put you in such a good mood. You couldn’t believe that you’d tried to sneak out.
“Uh, tu aimes les omelettes?” Lafayette asked. You thought it was cute how French he was in the mornings.
“Don’t mind him,” Herc cut in, “He tends to slip back into French more when he’s tired. Besides, it’s hot as hell!”
You laughed, then turned to Lafayette. “Oui, je préfère les omelettes, mais j'aime les œufs. Et toi?” You knew it was sloppy and horribly mispronounced. It had been a while since your French class.
“Oui! Moi aussi! Tu es très adorable, mon ami!” He pulled you into his arms, squeezing you tightly, causing you to groan out in pain. He let you go quickly, muttering apologies in French.
“Sorry,” you admitted, “I’m not very good at French!”
“Non! C'est stupide! Ce n'est pas mal!” He ruffled your hair in response.
“Oui, oui, hon, hon, baguette, Eiffel Tower!” John exclaimed as he slid a plate with a cheese omelette to you. Hercules laughed and kissed John on the cheek before sliding the hot sauce to you. You couldn’t decide if they were all in a relationship together or if they were just really tight bros. Once again, you scolded yourself for sticking your nose into other people’s relationships.
You poured hot sauce on your omelette and ate it quickly, finding yourself ravenous. Lafayette rambled on about God only knows what in French, much too fast for you to comprehend any of it. You picked up on a few words, but none of them made sense in combination. You just smiled and nodded in between bites of eggs.
Once you had finished, the sun was starting to rise outside. “Thank you for the breakfast, but I’m afraid I really should be going.”
You didn’t want to overstay your welcome or take advantage of their hospitality, and you felt guilty for getting them all up so early.
“Hold on! Let me put on some shoes, and I’ll drive you to your car!” John offered, but Hercules stopped him.
“Nonsense, John. You didn’t go to bed last night. Go get some sleep, I’ll drive her,” He put his hand on John’s back and gently nudged him down the hall. How did Herc know that John hadn’t gone to bed? Whatever. John didn’t argue with Herc. Instead, he grabbed Lafayette by the wrist, Herc’s bear with his other hand, and walked off. Maybe they were room mates or something.
“Come on, Y/N,” Herc said as he took your hand and grabbed his keys from the counter. He was wearing loose, blue pajama bottoms and a navy shirt that said “Salty.” He led you out the door and opened the passenger door to the SUV. After you’d climbed in, he shut the door and started the car. He handed you the aux chord, and you froze. Oh no. You didn’t need this kind of pressure. He put his arm on your seat before he turned and looked out the back window, backing down the driveway.
“What do you want me to play?” You asked timidly, searching his face, almost like you were hoping his favorite band would just be scrawled across his forehead.
“Um, I don’t care. Surprise me! Whatever you like!” He glanced over at you with a laid back smile, and you gave him a weak one.
You scrolled through your low-charged phone, then threw all caution to the wind. If you embarrassed yourself, you never had to see these people again.
“Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days, one two three four!” Hannah Montana shouted over the radio, and you began to cackle. You had to do it. You just had to. Do it for the meme.
You looked over, expecting to see Herc giving you a look, but instead, he was grinning from ear to ear. He sang along to the next lyrics, “Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days, everybody knows what-what I’m talking about, everybody gets that way!”
You screamed in awe, causing him to look over at you with a dazzling smile.
“Betcha didn’t expect that, did ya, darlin’?” He drawled, and you shook your head.
“Okay, Mr. Big Shot, how about this one?” You switched the song to a different one, smiling down at your phone.
The intro played, then when the lyrics started, Herc, to your utter disbelief, nailed it. “Make it count, play it straight, don’t look back, don’t hesitate, when you go big time!”
You shrieked again, utterly delighted. You couldn’t believe it.
“What? I’m cultured in my memes, Y/N,” he teased you, and you grinned.
“I’m bringing the big guns,” you told him with a smirk, and he mirrored it.
You were ashamed that you had this saved on your phone, but it didn’t matter in that moment.
The disco track started playing, and Herc cried out, the emotion unfathomable.
“We’re no strangers to love,” you both wailed, cackling and carrying on. Embarrassingly, you were both able to sing the entire song. On the final loop of the chorus, Herc pulled up beside your car and parked. He turned the radio down and gave you a small smile.
“So this is it, Y/N,” he sounded almost disappointed. “Thanks again for taking on the mob.”
You cringed at the memory, “I’m sorry for dragging y'all into that-”
“Don’t be! No worries! Besides, if you didn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten Rick Roll’d this morning!”
You laughed again, undoing your seatbelt. “Thanks for making sure I didn’t die in my sleep and for the ride to my car.”
“No problem! Hey, if you want, give me your number; I’m sure the guys would love to grab coffee with you!”
You smiled bashfully, amazed any of them would want to keep in contact with you, especially Herc, after you made the entire car ride a meme. You really were meme trash.
“You sure?” You mumbled, cheeks red.
“Yeah! You’re fun to be around! I’ve never seen John laugh that hard about anything in my life!”
You bit your lip and nodded. He gave you a grin before he unlocked his phone and handed it to you. You filled out the contact, putting hearts around your name. You loved yourself that much. Then, you passed his phone back.
“Hey, let us know if you need anything, ‘Kay? Like, even if it’s stupid, like you’re bored one night, and you want some drinking buddies. Let us know, and we’ll be there!” You glanced up at him to see him giving you a soft smile that caused your stomach to churn. You opened the door and got out, giving him a soft “okay”.
“Bye, Herc,” you called over your shoulder.
“Bye, darlin’!” He called as you shut the door.
He waited until you started your car before he left, wanting to make sure you would be able to get home. You plugged in your phone and played Taylor Swift’s “Enchanted” the entire way home. You smiled all day long.
Gaston was sulking after being turned down by Belle for the 100th time. LeFou, wanting to cheer him up, wrote a song for him. Unfortunately, he did not know how to spell Gaston’s name correctly, and ended up with this:
“BE OUR GASTT
BE OUR GASTT
THE MOST MANLY OF THE RESTT
HE’S ESPECIALLY REAL GOOD AT
EXPECTORATING, HE’S THE BESTT
BE OUR GASTT
BE OUR GASTT
EATS FIVE DOZEN EGGS AT BEST
HOW HE’S STILL ALIVE, I WONDER
BUT WHO CARES, HE IS GASTT
BE OUR GAAAAASSSSTTTT
HE IS GAAAAAAASSSSSTTT
PLEASE HAVE SEX WIIIIITTTTHHHH MEEEEE GAAAAAAAAASSSSSTTT”
Gaston said that “as a lad [he] ate four dozen eggs every morning to help [him] get large,” but now, as an adult, he has increased his breakfast’s size to five dozen eggs.” This raises multiple concerns.
First of all, let’s infer that when Gaston says this, he means the entire egg, not just the yolks or the egg whites, considering that he punctuates his assertion with his swallowing several whole eggs. Now, a single egg is about 72 calories. This would mean that as a child Gaston ate 3,456 calories every morning, and now every morning he puts away 4,320 calories.
For comparison, during his bodybuilding days Arnold Schwarzenegger was consuming about 4,000 calories per day, and he was eating three square meals, drinking protein shakes, and taking other forms of supplements. Gaston, on the other hand, is eating more than Arnold’s entire daily caloric intake in one sitting. Considering the similarities in build between Arnold and Gaston, and assuming that Gaston is involved in a comparable fitness routine, I doubt that Gaston is regularly taking in any more calories, with exceptions - such as his having beer at the tavern, as shown in the film. (Perhaps it was his cheat day?)
Beyond just calories, this would also mean Gaston is getting 360g of protein (Arnold was only getting 250), 96g of saturated fat (the recommended daily value is 20g), and 1116 mg of cholesterol, which is 37.2 times as much as the recommend daily value.
The real magic of Beauty and the Beast is not the transformative power of love, but rather Gaston’s ability to survive any cardiovascular diseases long enough to be killed by the Beast.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how similar is Celegorm to Gaston from Beauty and the Beast?
Celegorm: Who does she think she is? That girl has tangled with the wrong Elf! No one says “no” to Celegorm! Curufin: Heh heh. Darn right. Celegorm: Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear. Curufin: More ale? Celegorm: What for? Nothing helps. I’m disgraced. Curufin: Who, you? Never! Celegorm, you’ve got to pull yourself together.
I am so excited to read Beast!!! The email informed me it was something around 20,000 words and I think I promptly died of ecstasy. It occurred to me randomly that if Lily is Belle and James is the Beast, then logically Severus would be Gaston (don't know if you've actually done that) and then I had a visual and I cackled with laughter. I always view Severus now as Youth Severus and Youth Severus and really any Severus as Gaston is giving me giggles.
yes omg it is so long I apologize
AND you are not wrong, that is the logical extension BUT as I am a convoluter of plots the role of Gaston is actually split into two/three parts and so he is only partially Gaston
aka the part that wants to marry Lily but not the part that accosts her and/or eats five dozen eggs