The seven mystical powers of the pyramids
1. The power to make innocent souls spout profanities and hop vigorously, if the pyramids are sufficiantly small and trodden on in bare feet.
2. The power to influence the future. For example, by dropping a pyramid from a crane onto a major road one may drastically increase the liklihood of a road accident.
3. The power to maintain the sharpness of razor blades. To do this, one must keep the razor blades under a small pyramid at all times and never remove them for any purpose whatsoever.
4. One may also construct a pyramid from cedarwood, having a height of some five centimetres and a base of forty centimetres along the side, and inscribe it underneath with a sator square. A pyramid constructed in this way has the power to wedge up the legs of two wobbly tables at once.
5. By carving your food into pyramid shapes, you may be able to stack it more efficiently in your undersized fridge, thereby increasing the time you can store it against the inevitable march of entropy.
6. The great sorcerers of old were able to make common folk scatter from their path by the simple expedient of wearing a pyramidal enclosure upon their heads. Indeed, in England’s magical heyday one could often tell if a sorcerer was passing in the next street across by the distantly-heard cries of ‘watch where you’re going mate’ and 'Put some eyeholes in it you twat’.
7. Many of the great pyramids have themselves travelled through time, sometimes for thousands of years. It is said of people who have visited these pyramids that they too can travel through time and, astonishingly, that they can do so in the same direction and at the exact same rate as the pyramids themselves: one second per second, or thereabouts.