Jin had just finished practice when the other showed up, and as he tried to catch his breath, he looked up to see him. He smiled and waved before sliding down the wall. “I think I might be dying, like actually,” he said, mostly joking. Though today, rehearsal had been rather intense.
He grabbed at the Jian, who still stood in the doorway. “Come love me,” he whined, wiping the sweat off his forehead. “I guess I should warn you first that I’m sweaty, though. Probably don’t smell that great either,” None of that changed the fact that he wanted to be near the other though. He couldn’t help the way he felt about him.
That certainly wasn’t what Dean had been expecting, and he couldn’t stop a look of surprise from crossing his face for a moment.
Sam’s Heaven had been all but the complete opposite of Dean’s own. For him, it’d been all family moments - the memories he had with his mother, good times he’d spent with his little brother… Those were the happy moments for him. But some of Sam’s best memories were even some of his worst ones. Sam running away. Sam leaving for Stanford.
Sometimes, especially during their worst fights, he wondered how he even fit into Sam’s Heaven. If Sam wouldn’t rather have him find a way to carve out another Heaven for himself. He hated the thought of spending his afterlife without his little brother, but from everything he’d seen there Sam would rather not have him around. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t given him reason to think that on Earth, too.
Once upon a time, he’d thought that Sam would go to the same lengths that he would to keep him alive and kicking, Once that had been crushed, he hadn’t been left with much to reassure him that Sam even wanted him around at all. He missed him, so found a way to stick around, and the wound slowly healed itself, but that mean that it was completely gone.
‘If you want to work, let’s work, but if you want to be brothers…’
‘If the situation was reversed and I was dying you’d do the same thing - No, Dean. I wouldn’t. Same circumstances, I wouldn’t.’
What Harry had once said about picturing yourself old, sitting on the porch with someone on the other rocking chair and suddenly that chair going empty… After some time he’d started being able to picture he and Sam on that porch once again, but there were times when he worried that maybe that was just what he wanted to see. That it was just easier than facing the fact that his brother never needed him like he needed Sam.
“Really?” He asked his brother, raising a bit of an eyebrow at him. “I kinda thought… I don’t know. I guess… I wasn’t there at all. Kinda says something.”
Sam knew what Dean thought. How could his brother not think it? Sam had great memories of other people’s Thanksgivings, and of running away on Dean’s watch. They were the only times he felt normal. They were the only times he felt like he had what everyone else had. And yeah, to get away from their crappy lives, it meant he had to leave Dean behind, too. That’s what Dean saw. Sam being happy leaving him behind. They had both done some things they couldn’t take back, both said some things that put the other back on their ass. It wasn’t right. But it was family. “I couldn’t control that stuff. And I don’t think your Heaven was an endless loop of mom making you sandwiches with the crust cut off. I’m sure there’s…other stuff we didn’t get to see.” Sam paused. “Dean I know I walked away a lot. I know that. I was wrong most of the time. You gotta understand that when we were younger? All I could see was what I thought I was missing. Y'know, Dad’s obsession, us being on the road all the time, never being able to make any friends? It wore on me. It…consumed me. And uh. I didn’t always see what I had that others didn’t. …Like a big brother who’s always there for me.” Sam was sure that Dean would wave him off, tell him to stow the chick flick moment, but if they died anytime soon? He needed Dean to know this stuff. “Things change. Y'know, sometimes when we’re out on the hood of the Impala just watching the stars…seeing the bigness of the Universe…I just always feel like the most important part of it is right there beside me. So. Yeah. I’m disappointed my Heaven’s not with you. That we won’t have one together.”