fishing at the lake

texts he sent me during my meltdown from tonight, all received after midnight

“I love you too, and that’s enough

[…] but love is abstract
it’s the white sign above Allah’s name
Allah is just a word for something deeper

because we speak of depths and forget about other quantities
the most beautiful thing are the fish in that lake
metaphors that swim in that are what makes us remember each other

it makes no sense for our love to end now
it’s a symphony and we’re not even near to the end of the first movement
of course there’s the remote possibility of someone lifting the needle from the record in the phonograph
But that doesn’t matter
It’ll end when it’s supposed to end
And until then
We have the entire present in front of us


I love you!
I’ll admit I won’t hold on when we can’t even look at each other’s faces anymore
that’d be hypocrisy
when on earth would I think I’m tired of seeing you??!
To break up with you now is to jump and never be pulled back down by gravity again
It’s a possibility
But I don’t really think it’s going to happen
Everything is strength, Allah is power


I’m here to help you
And I do it with pleasure


It’s the bare minimum I should do
The sacrifice has no weight because I know I have you in my life
Thank you”


- the phonograph is related to when I went to his house and we listened to an entire Dvorak symphony in his room on a phonograph, so he used that imagery;

- he is not Muslim nor am I, but very recently he went to Abu Dhabi and visited the great mosque or something? and he was really damn touched by this thing that represented a garden or something inside the mosque and led you to Allah’s name which had a white sign above it with nothing written (and many names around or something) that apparently was meant for you to meditate on what Allah truly is which transcends the limits of the word, like the name can’t possibility hold what Allah means and that really moved him and he told me with fiery feeling about it as soon as he got back.

I still can’t believe I got so lucky. I wish I could convey how much he truly means to me - gestures are poor and words are poorer. I guess I’ll have to rely on my eyes and my gaze to tell him how much I truly love him for yet a long time. Maybe, maybe when I touch his hand… maybe he understands.


You will never see it coming.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.