Top American History Moments - I'm Not Done Yet Motherfuckers
- Thomas Jefferson having a mockingbird named Dick
- Andrew Jackson’s parrot being kicked out of his funeral because it wouldn’t stop saying ‘fuck’
- Andrew Jackson beating the shit out of his would-be assassin with a cane
- Andrew Jackson throwing a huge public party in the White House for his inauguration and having to sneak out because it got out of hand. He could only sneak back in when someone got the idea to move all the alcohol outside.
- John Laurens getting out of bed at Valley Forge and hitting his head on the ceiling
- Ben Franklin wanting the national bird to be the turkey
- Caleb Brewster’s reason for joining the continental army basically being that he just wanted to kick some ass and have some fun
- Caleb Brewster signing his name in big letters on spy reports for the Culper Ring
- George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Alexander Hamilton going on a fishing trip together, for Washington’s health
- gay brothels being called “Molly Houses”
- Benedict Arnold ploughing through 337 pages of William Blackstone’s “Commentaries” just to find the word militia for a secret code
- baby farmers (this is some crazy shit look it up)
- Thomas Jefferson having a ram that he called “An abominable animal”. It killed a young boy on the White House lawn.
- Aaron Burr having to ban snacks from the senate floor
- George Washington refusing to respond to a British letter because they didn’t address him correctly
- Aaron Burr being attacked by bedbugs and then proceeding to sleep on the floor for five hours
- Thomas Jefferson being a frat boy in college
- Alexander Hamilton being reported dead after going to burn barns and then showing up hours later soaking wet because he fell into a river
- Martha Washington outliving four children and two husbands and still saying that the worst day of her life was when Thomas Jefferson came to visit
And we continue with some “a Brush Fixed With Love” aftermath. Soon after the events of that comic, Logan’s dad, Salomon, decided to take Logan for a little fishing trip in Port Mackerel. Little did Logan know that despite hiding his crush easily from his friends, his sharp eyed fisher dad caught the signs immediately. Salomon gives his son some advice the best way he knows. Fishing metaphors.
4 year old Bobby Dunbar disappeared on a family fishing trip. He was found 8 months later under the custody of a man named William Cantwell. While Cantwell readily admitted that he wasn’t the boy’s father, he claimed that he knew the boy’s mother and that this boy was named Charles Bruce-Anderson (Bruce for short). Cantwell claimed to have the mother’s permission to travel with the boy.
Investigators didn’t buy his story and took the boy to reunite him with the Dunbars. Complications arose almost immediately. Some people say that the boy yelled “mother” and ran towards Lessie Dunbar while others say the child was frightened and Lessie seemed to doubt whether he was her child. The next day the family claimed to have found familiar molds and markings on the boy’s body and that this boy was in fact theirs.
Julia Anderson, a woman from North Carolina, claimed that the boy was named Bruce and that he was her son. Authorites paid her no mind and sent her back. Cantwell was charged with kidnapping and sentenced to life in prison.
In 2006, DNA testing(Bob Dunbar Jr. participated in a DNA test with his cousin) confirmed that the boy the police “found” was not biologically related to the Dunbars.
- Junk food binging on the couch, complete with very passionate explanations of how each of your favorite chocolate bar brands are by far the most superior
- Giving each other “when can we go home” looks at formal events
- Ignis dropping him off at your place with a look of concern
- Picnics in the middle of the woods
- Lazy days in together, to the point of people wondering where you guys are
- You leaving passive aggressive post-it notes about him not doing chores, him leaving passive aggressive post-it notes about you leaving passive aggressive post-it notes
- Fishing trips that turn into contests over who can get the bigger catch. He loves you but this means war
- Teleporting instead of walking
- Except late at night. Then you go on too many walks, but it never feels like work
- Finding new rooms in the palace to make out in
- Seemingly random, extravagant surprises that leave you like “oh right, I’m dating a prince”
- Kissing him in public and highlighting the prince’s blushing, shy potato self
- Stargazing on clear nights, either on the grass or a high balcony
- Noctis being a little overprotective towards you, trying and failing to hide it but meaning well
- Biting and hickies, which prompto always teases you about but hey, you play along
- Endless amounts of sass
- Long cuddle sessions between naps, when he’s his most affectionate
I can never picture how a billionaire would want anything at all that he couldn’t easily have, much less be willing to lie or hurt people for it. Once you’ve got enough money to spend the rest of your life drinking tequila sunrises on the beach, and for every one of your family and friends to spend the rest of their lives drinking tequila sunrises on the beach… shouldn’t you be at peace? Shouldn’t your only remaining decisions be things like “learn how to paint” vs “book another fishing trip”? How much of your wealth to leave to your children vs how much to use eradicating diseases? Another tequila sunrise vs two more tequila sunrises?
Shit, that’s how I’d live the rest of my life if I had one hundredth of a billion dollars. I’d have zero motivation to ever hurt anybody ever.