first: that's such a nice post

The bonfire is a place of respite, if only for a moment…


(( Hello!! I had this sitting around for a long while and finally got around to getting it set up! This is a little ask/rp blog mainly for Jake Park, but I’ll be okay with answering questions for the others every now and again! So feel free to go on and ask Jake some questions!!! ))

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                                    I’m going to tell you something.
                       The most important thing that you will ever hear.

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🌹

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@adhd-is

Hey! I’ve never posted proper photos of myself on here before, but now I’m like, #yolo, even if just for today, so here we #golo

ADHD is…

Not being diagnosed in childhood, because you did “too well” in school

Spending your teens feeling stupid as all hell, because you struggle to meet deadlines and can’t quite understand concepts in subjects that don’t 100% capture your interest (math, u lil bitch, i am lookin @ u)

Having your executive dysfunction chalked up to “laziness” because if you’re smart, you “can’t” have ADHD, so you’re obviously just unmotivated and lazy. Except if you were unmotivated and lazy, you wouldn’t have high achievement, so like, check mate, bud?

Being told that ADHD isn’t a reason for your behavior, it’s an “excuse”, and that you should just “do better” despite your brain literally not being able to

Not being told you have it until you’re 18 and struggling to function like an adult

Having trouble driving because you can’t focus, having trouble sleeping because you can’t stay still, having trouble with chores because you never remember anything

Hyperfocusing on something so hard that suddenly it’s 6 AM and you’ve ruined your sleep schedule all over again

Suffering from loads of mental health issues, overcoming literally all of them, and having your executive dysfunction still blamed on them because people just??? really love????? to use mental illness and their ableism as a scapegoat?????? instead of trying to help, and recognizing that adhd is a permanent part of you?????????? like “are you sure you’re not just depressed” yes. thank you for your opinion even though i never asked for it, but I am actually very sure, good day to you too sweetie :) :)) :)))

Not being able to make yourself shut up when you’re speaking about something you’re passionate about. Having that problem in college lectures, and hearing a few people snicker each time you talk because you’re /that girl/ who /talks too much/ and has /too many opinions/ like gawd sorry for taking up space ffs

BUT ALSO, ADHD IS…

Finally having an explanation for some of your less-loved quirks, and knowing that you’re not just lazy or stupid

Finding a whole bunch of people who get it

Being able to do amazing things when you hyper focus, getting more done than most people because you actually can’t get distracted for once

Finding outlets for your energy very early on in life, and finding them to be your favorite things in the whole world (acting, dance, music)

Being able to multitask like a pro (and also having to multitask, because when you have the tv/radio/whatever on in the background, it’s a distraction you can control, which helps a lot)

Knowing a whole ton of totally random trivia about so many different things, and a bunch of information on a few select topics, to the point that people think you’re a student in those things (example - I’ve been very physically sick this year, I like to read medical journals, and when I went in to get a CT scan a few months ago, the tech asked me if I was a medical student because of how much I know about it all)

Having a huge amount of energy when you’re doing things you like, and feeling it exponentially grow, feeling like you can take on the world

Understanding that nothing’s wrong with you. You work differently than most people, and it makes life hard, but that’s because of the world, not because of you. It’s just how we are.

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wow finally drew some stuff again

I Was Going To Name This After You But Your Name Fits It Too Well

It’s hard to try to learn to breathe again when the weight of the ocean is sitting on my chest and fills my lungs with your name and i cant cough it up.

And its hard to breathe with the hands i still want to hold wrapped around my neck and even though i once and still want them there around my throat i can feel my windpipe collapsing

And even though there’s beauty in black and blue i cant fucking breathe.

You planted a garden in my mind but i was wrong and its really weeds and its cancerous and its spread to my lungs and now I’m suffocating.

The butterflies from the garden you planted moved to my stomach and its unfortunate that the most beautiful things in nature are the most poisonous

And even though there’s now a drought the flowers have dropped their seeds and theyre not going to decompose and 

every

single

time

you come back they grow back stronger and bigger than before and even harder to kill and i know you’re going to come back a hurricane and i know the flowers are craving the rain. 

They’re not going to ever die and i don’t think i want them to.

what clara means to me

When I was catching up on Doctor Who before the fiftieth (I watched 5-6 on Netflix and up through Name on some now-defunct website all in Augustish through November 23, 2013, while starting my first semester of grad school), I’ll have to admit, I didn’t ‘relate’ to Amy at first. I thought she was awesome, and I connected with the idea that both her and the Doctor are running away from emotional issues. I understood Amy better on a rewatch, and now I love her, but I wasn’t Amy. (She was for others, and I love her for that, for her passion and her pain and her stubborn belief, but I wasn’t her, and that was okay. I was learning from a story of someone different than me, which is something fiction is a vehicle for.) I wasn’t someone who was able to run away from my looming responsibilities. I wanted to stay and I wanted to run and there was absolutely no way I could do both.

But Clara? Almost as soon as I met her, I felt the jolt of hearing a character say things that I wanted to say–”Well, for your information, I’m not sweet on the inside, and I’m certainly not–” (which on a sidenote makes Clara ‘bigger on the inside’); “Dare me” regarding the idea of doing something that’s scary but adventurous at the same time; “Come back tomorrow” because here was someone who wasn’t dropping everything to run away with the Doctor, who also keenly felt the call of home and friends and family and responsibilities.

I mean, she put traveling on hold to help people out! She’s young and wants to do things but she’s staying put and being responsible and that describes so much of my life up to a certain point. “I keep the book because I’m still going,” she says, and so adventure is not shut out from her life forever. (Nor out of mine.)

And she got to run away with the Doctor, albeit on Wednesdays. But I liked that, too, that she (tried to) maintain both of her lives. She’s only a year older than me, and we’re the same height, and we both studied English in university. (I even taught English for a while.) And so, in a way, I got to run away with the Doctor, too.

Sure, Clara and I are not the same person. (I, for one, am not imaginary. To my knowledge.) I’ve never been in a relationship before, but knowing myself, it would probably start out as foot-in-mouth as Clara’s relationship with Danny started. I’m not sure if I would end up lying to my significant other (and to myself) in the way Clara did, but then, I haven’t lived through what Clara has (fictionally) lived through. But I watched her get more confident, more bold, more risk-taking, and thought, I could do that too.

She still cared, of course; it’s why she looks after Courtney, it’s part of why she can’t drop the Doctor with scorched earth tactics, and it’s why she’d (even in a dream) threaten the Doctor in the hopes (however slim) she could get Danny back. She’s fierce and loyal, recklessly cautious, bold and brave with tears in her eyes, and I saw her and I thought, “I could do that. I could be brave like that. I could let my brilliance shine like that.”

And then…and then her brilliance and her recklessness and her fierce protectiveness caught up with her. She faced the raven, and I was devastated. (I am still tearing up, thinking about it, fyi. The latter glory does not dim the feelings of Face the Raven for me.)

Like, truly, properly gutted. It was the one fate I did not want for Clara. ‘Let her walk away like Martha, or let her do something, but please please do not kill her,’ I thought. I didn’t want her to die like the Ponds or River or Danny. I didn’t want her cut off and trapped like Rose. I didn’t want her wiped of all her character development and adventures like Donna. But most of all, I didn’t want her dead at age 28. (My age, by the way.)

I couldn’t even. I hadn’t cried at Doomsday–sure, it was sad, but I hadn’t sobbed. Same with Last of the Time Lords, or Journey’s End. Or Angels Take Manhattan. Or in the Library. Or in Dark Water. I hadn’t even cried for the four total regenerations I’d watched, but I cried when Clara faced the raven.

I couldn’t talk about it (in fact, this is my first time actually addressing it). Although I intellectually grasped that Clara wasn’t me, that Clara is a fictional character used to tell a story, I emotionally felt that part of that story had been mine, had been about me. It was like I was lying on that trap street, my adventures cut short by a risk I’d had taken in order to protect someone.

So I focused on the Doctor for Heaven Sent because I couldn’t think of the reason he was motivated to punch his way out of hell. And the fact that he was angrier than I was at whoever had set up the trap in the trap street (not because they killed Clara, but because without them, Clara wouldn’t have ended up in a position to be killed).

I love the Doctor, he’s probably my favorite character of anything right now, and Twelve has become my Doctor, but I was still staggered over Face the Raven. (Some of you had some chats with me, so you know what the depth of what I’m talking about.)

And then…and then Hell Bent happened. Part of me still can’t believe it happened, part of me wants Time to get over itself and just let Clara be alive again (but what is alive? is the question begged by lots of Doctor Who, isn’t it?), and part of me thinks it’s really really fitting. It’s by far the best thing that could have happened (I’m still not sure how much the Doctor does or does not remember). Here I am, a week after having watched Hell Bent, and I think of its ending and I cannot stop myself from smiling.

Because Clara has three mirrors, and I’m reflected in one of them, and I’ve been reflected in one of them since “Hello the Chin!” even if I didn’t know it until “Doctor Who?” and “It’s full of stories, full of history”.

Because 7B, 8, and 9 were just Clara’s origin story, the prologue of her story; chapter one has just begun. Where I’ve been before has led me today and the future is wide wide open. And just because I have responsibilities and can’t actually run away from them doesn’t mean I’m cut off from adventures. Life is an adventure, and I’m just taking the long way round.