Post 4x17 Linstead
This took me WAY too long to write and I’m not even that happy with it
It was when she heard the rattle of his keys against the bullet casing on his keychain and the soft click of the front door, that she knew he was gone. She didn’t let the tears fall until she knew he wouldn’t be back. That he was already in his car, driving towards Will’s. At first, all she felt was utter shock. Sure, she was disappointed in him, but she knew how he wasn’t forthcoming about his life. But then again, he left, like all good things in her life did. Erin Lindsay was definitely used to this feeling.
She didn’t sleep much that night, not feeling the warmth of another body radiating onto her. So at 4 am, she called the one person she knew would never leave her. He had dealt with her stubborn teen years and then again being her boss. She knew she could confide in him, no matter how bad things got.
He walked into the bullpen late that morning after a night of restless sleep. His eyes automatically drifted to her desk, which he found vacant. Consequently, his eyes scanned over to the break room, hoping he would find her making coffee. When he didn’t find her there, Voight’s office was his next option. He turned towards the locker room, stowing away his gym bag, but he too, found the room empty. Walking back into the bullpen, Voight ushered him into his office, clearly annoyed.
“What’s up Sarge?”
“Where’s Erin?” He knew where she was, he just wanted to hear Jay say it, especially since he turned a blind eye to him dating his daughter.
“I-I don’t know. I thought she’d be here by now.” He stuttered over his words and his voice sounded weak but gruff.
“I’m sorry but did I do something to upset you?”
“I don’t know Halstead, did you do something that would piss me off?”
He breathed out a sigh of annoyance, he didn’t need to play games with his boss.
“So I’m guessing she called you.”
“At 4 am.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t break up with her if that’s what you think. I just need some time to figure myself out.”
“And you did that by leaving?”
“I didn’t want to hurt her more than I already have.”
“Did you at least talk about it with her?”
Jay was silent. He was aware that Hank knew about everything that went down between him, Erin and his ‘wife’.
“Where’s Erin?” He finally said after a few moments of silence.
“Took a personal day… Don’t ask me for one, I’m already short one detective I don’t need another one gone. Whatever you need to fix can be done on your own time. Now get outta here.”
Work was absolute torture. He sat in the car in silence, not having anyone else there with him. When he sat at his desk in the bullpen, he would occasionally look up to look at her, only to see a chair. When he would go to the break room to get coffee, he would grab her mug from the rack, realizing too late that she wasn’t there, forcing him to dump the coffee.
He had texted her a couple of times, asking if she was okay, but she never replied. She must have her phone off, because that’s what she always did when she didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. Or she was just straight up ignoring him.
After work, he only had one place he where he needed to go. To her. After likely breaking every traffic law in the City of Chicago, he parked outside of their apartment.
Was this really the right move?
After going up the stairs to the third floor, he stood outside the door, waiting, listening. The TV wasn’t on and there didn’t seem to be anyone home. The hallway light was on, he could see it coming from underneath the door. He couldn’t decide whether or not he should knock, or unlock the door with his key. After careful consideration, he chose the latter.
It looked the same way he left it. There was no evidence that anything had changed or if even the night before had happened. The living room and kitchen were empty, but there were new dishes in the sink. At least she was eating.
As he walked towards their bedroom, where he had asked her for some space and watched her whole world break apart, his footsteps faltered. He could hear the sniffling coming from their room, and it automatically brought tears into his eyes.
She wasn’t aware of his presence, so she continued to sob into her pillow. It was when the bed dipped down at the side, that she knew she wasn’t alone. She didn’t know how to react, nor did she pick up her face from the pillow. When his warm hand found it’s way to her leg, she knew that this moment was real.
“Erin please look at me.” It took everything out of her to pick up the broken pieces, just like she has done countless of times, but she did and looked him dead in the eyes.
His heart broke when he saw her face. Her eyes and cheeks were pink and puffy, signalling that she had been crying for a while, probably since last night. His hands seemed to have a mind of it’s own, as they came up to her face and dried her cheeks.
“Why’d you come back?” She didn’t want to sound as if she didn’t want him here, but regardless, her voice came out cold.
“Missed you at work today.”
“Yeah, just needed a personal day.”
He held her hand as they stayed in each other’s presence in silence. Neither wanting to speak, just to be with each other.
“You left me.” When she finally did speak, her voice was nothing but broken.
“I guess I shouldn’t even be complaining though, everyone me leaves at some point in my life. I should’ve known that you were too good to be true…”
The words hurt, and as she kept talking about him leaving, he couldn’t hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.
“… I knew dating Jay Halstead would just-” She couldn’t finish her sentence before she felt his lips on hers, shushing her. She kissed him back, and savoured it, just in case she wouldn’t be able to be in this moment again.
“If you think I left because of you, you’re wrong.” He was breathless.
“That’s what they always say. Do you know how many times Bunny has said that to me?”
“But I’m not Bunny. Babe, I left because I’ve hurt you, a lot, and I can’t hurt you more than I already have.”
“But you never had the intention of telling me about you being married. Would you have ever told me about her if I didn’t find out she was texting you or if she dropped by the district?”
“Erin it’s not about her. When I was married to her, I told you I was in a bad place. I can barely remember anything about those times. And when I do remember it was because I was so hungover I was thinking that I was going to die. Coming back… it wasn’t easy.” He got choked up as he finished his sentence, mentally reliving the person he was when he got back.
“Jay… you know you can come to me and talk about it at any time. Bottling up feelings isn’t really healthy. Over the past 2 years now, I’ve learned to let you in, to let you help me. There’s nothing wrong to ask for help.” He took a deep breath out as she finished speaking.
“It’s not that easy Erin…” His voice was barely above a whisper. She sat up and cupped his face in her hands and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.
“I know… I know…” She moved her hands from his face towards his back as she pushed his head into her chest. She rubbed her hand up and down his back, hoping to bring him comfort, only to be heartbroken when she felt his tears wetting her shirt. She held him tight, making sure he didn’t fall apart, but maybe she had been too late. Maybe he waited too long to talk about it.
She lost track of time, not knowing how long they sat there, feeling each other’s breath of their skin, but she relaxed her grip a little when he stopped crying. She imitated his earlier moments and wiped his cheeks.
“Do you want to talk about it now?”
He smiled and nodded his head. She knew it took a lot out of him to become this vulnerable in front of her, letting himself breakdown and cry. But she would be there for him, no matter how high the walls he had built would be, because one day, those walls will be non-existent, and if need be, she’d pick up the pieces for him.
Okay reading this again made me hate this piece even more… but whatever I took time out to write it so I’m posting it