first step towards loving myself

I had a moment of absolute, pure happiness that I have not felt for a long time.

And this isn’t something that happened recently, this was actually a few months ago, but I had a bad time following up the Testing Maintenance contest. Family issues I’m not going to get into. Jobless blues to add to it. Not a good time.

Well, one evening I’m up late checking my email after feeling like crap all day and I get a notification from Archive of Our Own that someone left me a kudos on Testing Maintenance. My fiction already had a lot of kudos, severely sweet comments, and fanart made but for whatever reason seeing this one kudos made me just cry my eyes out.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer and I have never been very confident in my abilities. I have stories that I’ve re-written and re-imagined so many times but never did anything with them. Testing Maintenance was the very first thing I ever really finished. And after having a bad day and seeing a kudos pop up I was just reminded that I made something that people liked and supported me on. It made me feel like I can do something with the worlds in my head. Even when I was a little kid and didn’t know what I wanted to do, I knew that I wanted to entertain people in some way. When I got older I realized I wanted to make people feel. Not necessarily feel good, but I wanted to encourage emotions through my writing and art. Happy, sad, angry, frightened, but all in the name of a good time.

After a long time of feeling… a strong word for it would be worthless, seeing another kudos added to my fanfic made me feel like I’ve done something constructive. Like the effort I put into the story meant something.

I will never claim that Testing Maintenance is perfect. In fact, I’ve been going through editing a lot of stuff in it recently (grammar, spelling, ect) and thinking about things in the story I could have done so much better or things I think I should have taken out completely, but I am happy with it overall. I’m happy that it’s my first step towards something bigger for myself. Something better.

You guys are all lovely. Thank you so much.