i saw a post the other day that said ‘stop weighing people’s value by how much revenue they generate’ and agreed, and then i just stopped for a moment. because wow, i’ve come a long way? i mean, it’s not the same exactly, but when i was in school i hardcore believed that my worth as an individual was pretty much exclusively derived from my academic performance. i wasn’t quite so harsh on the people around me in terms of academics? but that was mostly because they all had other skills to boost their 'value’. like maybe they were good at sports, or could play an instrument, or were very beautiful, or something. i didn’t have those - or at least i didn’t believe i had those - so i just kept sinking my entire concept of self into the quality of my academic 'product’. it took a catastrophic mental breakdown to put the first serious dent in that, and going on four years gone from it i realize i’ve definitely grown into a healthier person all around? but that post gave me an odd little shock, reading it and agreeing to it without a voice in the back of my head saying except you. you’re worthless unless you’re producing results. i guess it’s a little pathetic, that my window of improvement has a benchmark labeled 'not constantly evaluating your objective worth on a scale of Garbage to Adequate’ - like, that seems like such a low bar to meet? - and it took me a long time to get here, but… i’m a little proud of myself, for that. i feel… good. generally, all-around baseline good. somehow despite everything that’s happening right now, and even despite occasional lapses, i’m doing okay? and i’m proud of that.