Me: People need to lighten up with all the LazyTown headcanons. It’s just a show.
Also me: If Santa canonically exists in the LazyTown universe then his helper elves must surely exist. Is Sportacus okay with this? Is it one of those things he just pretends doesn’t happen because it’s better not to think about it? Is Santa just one of those people that Sportacus’ magic is weaker than and he can’t beat? Does Magnus expect us to ignore this? Did he really think that he could get away with making his main character an elf and then having said elf meet Santa, whose main source of physical labor is elves? Does Sportacus even know that Santa uses elves to make toys? When Santa appears, Sportacus knows who Santa is and talked to him like he knew him. Since it was the first (and only) time we saw Santa, we are left to assume that Sportacus has had a past experience with Santa. The kids were surprised that he was in town, but were still oddly nonchalant about fucking Santa Claus walking in unexpected. Has Santa met them before? If Santa has met them before and Santa, who would know that Sportacus is not necessarily a Christmas elf but an Icelandic Elf, has become friends with Sportacus, and uses elves to make his toys then Sportacus surely must know because Santa is using slave labor to make children’s toys and that’s something that he should know about as a Hero, and not just slave labor, elf slave labor. What would have happened if a helper elf had been on the sleigh with Santa? There are three possible conclusions to this: Sportacus chooses to ignore this because Santa has magic far more powerful than his, Sportacus genuinely doesn’t know about this, the lore for LazyTown’s Santa was changed just so Magnus wouldn’t have to face the difficult scenario that this episode would have him face theoretically. None of these are very satisfactory and I need actual answers and my answer is to conclude that Santa is actually Mr. Striker that used to own Sportacus and after Sportacus revolted against him, he used magic on Sportacus to make him forget him and all the atrocities that happened and Striker chose to isolate himself so Sportacus would never find him.
The cheers and the voice of Jimmy Kimmel welcoming you guys to the show brought you out of your daze as the show began. You were placed in between RDJ and your boyfriend Tom Holland. The three of you fit snuggly on the grey couch not really minding how close you all are. I mean you have been around Robert since the first Iron man movie came out playing as his accidental daughter; and Tom was your boyfriend and you’re his love interest in the new Spider-man movie.
“So i just saw the ruff cut of the new movie and it is easily the best spider-man movie and a great movie,” Jimmy complimented and the three of you couldn’t help but smile.
“So have you guys seen the movie yet?” Kimmel asked.
“I have, I have. (Y/N) and I went together about a month ago.” Tom answered.
“You did? And what did you think?” Kimmel questioned.
“You know when you’ve revised for an exam and you feel like you’ve crushed it but the longer you wait to get the results back, the more you think you’ve kind of ruined it.”
“He’s British, by the way so he means test.” RDJ jumped in to clarify what Tom was saying which made you giggle.
“But yeah so I was walking into the screening and I was like ‘this is going to be awful, I’m going to hate it’. And leaving i was over the moon.” The Brit spoke.
“You did?” Jimmy piped in.
“Yeah, I loved it.”
“Robert, you have not seen it yet?” Jimmy asked RDJ.
“I have personally yet to see it,” RDJ replies. “When can I-”
“You will see it when I’m ready for you to see it,” Tom butts in which makes you laugh. Everyone took a second to recook before Jimmy asked the next question.
“Robert, how much are you involved in casting Tom in this movie? I would assume that there is this some kind of-that you play some kind of role in that.”
“Well it was really more up to (Y/N) here. Since they had already planned on doing a Spider-man movie and they had their love interest they needed to pick which boy had the most on camera chemistry with (Y/N).” Robert informed.
“So they brought all of them in on the set of Civil War and they handed each boy a script which they had one minute to go over and then do a little scene with me as Spider-man. The whole purpose was for them to forget most of the script so they could improvise and just see how well their banter with me went.”
“Are you serious? You guys are evil I was so scared when they told me i hate a minute to memorize those lines before I had to go and do that with you!” Tom hollered in fake annoyance which made you laugh.
“You will not believe how she reacted to you and the other boys. Which brings up the fact that I have a story to share.” Robert side-eyed you with a knowing glance which sent you springing towards his mouth to slap a hand over it.
“No! you said you wouldn’t!” I panicked. Two strong hands grabbed your arms and pulled you away from Robert and into a steel trap.
“Frankly darling, I’d love to hear the story,” Tom smirked evilly.
“It was right before all of the guys got there-”
“Squirt! Get out here! The directors are bringing in the boys who tried out for Spider-man! They need you to do a little script to see who you want!” Robert called to me from outside my trailer. Not exactly trusting that there will be a prank waiting for him on the other side of the door.
“Do I have to? Can’t they pick who the new Parker is gonna be?” you grumble while stepping out of your trailer.
“Do you want to work with someone you hate for months on end and then go on a bunch for press tours for even more months?” Robert answered your question with a question. You sigh and trudge behind Robert in a pouty manner.
“You know for being 19 years old, you sure are the biggest child i’ve ever met.” Robert smirks at you and you playfully glare at him.
“Welp, it takes one to know one.” You sass back and take off running after you hear an offended gasp.
“Other way!” Robert shouted at you while you made a wrong turn.
“I knew that!”
After doing script runs with five other guys who literally had little to none on-camera chemistry with you, you were ready to go back into your trailer and waste away the day with Just Dance.
“Please save me! None of these guys are working with me and they’ve been terrible eye-candy so i can’t even entertain myself with that!” You whisper shout to RDJ who only chuckled at you.
“Cool it hot shot you have one person left and then you can go continue to claim your title as Just Dance queen,” Robert teases. Your phone starts to buzz nonstop so you pull it out from your pocket and realize it’s your mom calling.
“Hey guys it’s my mom i need to take this can you let…um, what’s the guys name?”
“Tom Holland,” someone shouted.
“Yes, can someone let him in and give him the script while I take this? It won’t take long I promise,” you smile and walk off into the other room for some quiet time.
“Hey mom this isn’t a good time,” is the first thing you say when you answer the phone.
“Well this is important! Guess what Linda did today! Let her dog crap all over our yard and didn’t pick it up! I got it all on tape too!” You laugh as you was back into the room you were in letting your mother rant about her important story.
“Is it about Linda again cause i swear if I have to listen to one more story about how awful she is I’m going to loose my head,” Robert mumbled as you strolled up behind him. You glance up to see a nervous guy standing before you and oh was he a looker.
“Finally they bring in the eye-candy… I’d tap that,” you whisper to Robert while your mother is still babbling on. Robert spits out his coffee he was sipping and proceeded to laugh.
“My god could you make it anymore straight forward?” Robert laughed which caused you to giggle. You glance up at Tom who seemed even more nervous and to make him even more antsy you wink at him.
“Ok yeah mom that is so wonderful gotta go, bye!” You hang up the phone and toss it into a chair.
“You must be Tom. I’m (Y/N), nice to meet you.” You hold out your hand to shake his and get tingles once skin touches skin.
“N-Nice to meet you too. I’m really nervous.” He stumbles a little through his words on his greeting.
“That is totally natural! Don’t worry just act your little heart out and you’ll do fine.” you say. He sends you a kind boyish smile that melts your heart and you knew that this boy was going to be the new web-slinger before the improv started.
“You seriously said that? I though you made a mean comment about me and Robert here was laughing at it!” Tom laughed.
“Leave me alone. I was bored and those guys weren’t cute and I don’t really get to see hot guys that I can be like ‘Hey I have 1% chance with this person if and only if i act 180 from myself’.” I pouted.
“Its ok (Y/N) we are still going to tease you about this for years to come.” Robert laughed and Tom pecked you on the cheek to try and lighten your fake pouty mood.
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When I was younger, I caught myself digging my own grave in the backyard of that house.
Long before I knew to call it anything but dirt. Before I knew to call it comfortable, to call it safe, to call it home.
Behind that house in Idaho, in the summer (always the summer), in the dry heat, I began collecting worms.
I never knew why, but I kept them in my pockets, in my small fists, in my mouth next to all my baby teeth (or all but the one he split his knuckles against one too many times).
In the backyard I played pretend, creating a new family or new life or new world where nothing hurt. Where the basement of that house was somewhere we kept the board games, or the extra blankets, or anything other than my vomit, my blood, my innocence.
When I was younger, I caught myself digging my own grave in the backyard of that house.
I still wake up some nights with dirt under my fingernails.
I hate snakes. All those people that go behind other people’s backs to talk shit about them. If you have a problem with someone confront them directly or shut up and ignore them.
This reporting of “he said - she said” is incredibly immature and nasty.