tmi-city-of-bones15-blog said:Hey Cassie, I was wondering if you have a Playlist for each book that you write? Or if you have something to inspire you on those moments?
I do! You can find old ones on this tumblr, and here is the one for Lord of Shadows! (Sometimes people complain the songs aren’t new — I tend to mix up old and new songs, and remember, the book was written last year!)
Lord of Shadows
Six Blade Knife, Dire Straits
Your six blade knife can do anything for you Anything you want it to One blade for breaking my heart One blade for tearing me apart Your six blade knife can do anything for you
Fuck It And Whatever, The Echo-Friendly
We are sleeping in a rainstorm With no lightning rod So please remember my love As we lie in the arms of an angry vengeful God
And I know we can’t stay together But I’ll keep you safe forever And I know that sounds heavy But fuck it and whatever
Kill Your Heroes AWOL NATION
Well I met an old man dying on a train. No more destination, no more pain. Well he said one thing, before I graduate “Never let your fear decide your fate.”
I say kill your heroes and fly, fly, baby don’t cry. No need to worry ‘cause, everybody will die. Every day we just go, go, baby don’t go. Don’t you worry we love you more than you know.
Blood in the Cut, K. Flay
Met back up with the boy I love Cried on the streets of San Francisco I don’t have an agenda All I do is pretend to be ok so my friends Can’t see my heart in the blender Lately, I’ve been killing all my time Reading through your messages my favorite way to die Take my head and kick it in Break some bread for all my sins Say a word, do it soon It’s too quiet in this room
Sweet Disaster — Dreamers
Some nights feel like every night This one feels brand new Only got bad things on my mind When I’m with you
Tell me that you need me on the floor Passed out in your dirty clothes Ask me what the hell I’m looking for Like you don’t know
Shatter in the Night — Vesperteen
Laying in the yard and we worship the stars
And I blow your mind while you kiss my scars.
We rise and we fall. We’re floating
And all our time’s revolving around what we see as true
But it’s breaking me and it’s breaking you
Every Other Weekend — Annie Rapid (always makes me think of Livvy & Ty)
But we are one
For you are here
Inside a place so far away
My brother always near
It’s every other weekend
And it’s in the messages they send
Broken promises will mend
For all these things we can’t count on
Will one day make us grow up strong
No Mermaid — Sinead Lohan
we went down to the edge of the water you were afraid to go in you said there might be sharks out there in the ocean and i said i’m only going for a swim
i was swimming around in a circle i wasn’t always in view you said we might get into red flag danger and i am alone when i’m not with you
but i am no mermaid and i am no fisherman’s slave i am no mermaid i keep my head above the waves
Breaking Free — Night Riots
You’re not my savior, just someone I used to see I am broken Something’s wrong inside of me I feel violent Like I’m dying I feel broken Maybe I’m just breaking free
These Taming Blues — Joe Tex
Is it ever gonna not be so hard to see you around? Am I really really really really gonna have to leave town?
I mean I called upon a bunch of angels calling angels ain’t you supposed to come and take away these blues?
All five kinds of rains
All nine kinds of thunder and
Eighteen white horses who will not ever come to me!
Don’t plant your feet, love, in that garden of blame.
Don’t break me no more, love.
I’m already tame.
Home —American Authors
I’ve got these letters tattooed on my arm That remind me each second of where I come from And the long hard road to get me back home
I’m not trying to part the ocean waves I’m not trying to overthrow the throne I’m just trying to find a way to make it back home
In Our Bedroom After the War — Stars
Wake up! Say good morning to that sleepy person lying next to you If there’s no one there, then there’s no one there, but at least the war is over It’s us – yes, we’re back again, here to see you through, 'til the days end And if the night comes, and the night will come, well at least the war is over
Meet me in the Woods — Lord Huron
How long, baby, have I been away? Oh, it feels like ages though you say it’s only days There ain’t language for the things I’ve seen, yeah And the truth is stranger than my own worst dreams
Anna Lee — firekid
Sinking sand When I sleep I see her ghost Siren’s hand pulling me six feet below Pyramid Wasted dreams Built it for two Inherited her color scheme Now it’s my tomb
“If people are meant to be, no matter how far they drift, they find their way back”
Maybe it was our time to fall apart, maybe the world saw I was falling too hard, falling too young and it needed to be stopped immediately, or maybe we truly are just not meant to be together.
But I can’t seem to shake the feelings, I can’t seem to shake the memories or the words we said. We were everything that a girl dreams of, maybe I was stupid for dreaming that we could last, maybe I was so in love I ignored every sign pointing me away from you or maybe for once in my life, I’m right. Maybe for once, I know exactly what I’m doing, exactly what I’m talking about.
I don’t believe that two lovers, as strong as us, could just be a lesson in life. I don’t believe that God placed us together to teach us something because the only thing I’ve learnt is that I’m totally madly in love with you.
That’s no lesson to me, I haven’t been taught anything, you haven’t finished your purpose in my life. I believe the lesson you’ll teach is that if people are meant to be, no matter how far they drift, they find their way back.
It’s not over for me, it’s not even close. I can still picture our future, I see it every night in my dreams, so to hell to everyone who says it’s not going to happen. I feel it, in my bones, in my heart, in my gut, I can feel the power of my love for you and I can’t seem to let it go. I’m not staying by choice, my hearts drawn to you.
And maybe I’m wrong, maybe we were meant to fall apart and stay apart, maybe we weren’t right and maybe you have taught me an invisible lesson.
But I’m going to hold onto the idea of me being right, and whatever comes next, good or bad, I’ll take full responsibility for it.
I’m in love with you, and I think you’re still in love with me.
This was inspired by an idea from my Over 30 sisters & my impulsive purchase of a J2 Sandwich photo opp for Seacon in April. Ahhh! I’m freakin out! :) Enjoy!
Our boots crunched on the wet leaves as we moved quickly through the forest. The overcast sky and misting rain didn’t help since we were already cold in thin, gray jumpsuits. I shivered as I followed close behind Dean, Sam behind us with the stolen gun.
Suddenly we reached a clearing and I could see the outline of a small building. As we approached Sam and I kept lookout, and Dean went up to jimmy the door of the cabin. After looking inside a window, he stepped back and kicked the door in. Sam and I followed him inside, looking quickly behind us before barricading the cabin with a heavy dresser.
The cabin was dark inside with half of the windows boarded up, and the hodgepodge of furniture collected like dusty landmines. The earthy scent of rain and old firewood smoke filled the air. We spread out around the one room, searching boxes and crates. Sam banged open a rusty metal filing cabinet on the far wall, and laughed shortly as he saw what was inside.
Note: FAIR WARNING: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE I WENT WITH THIS.. I sat down and typed this out. I have a little writers block right now (CAN YOU TELL? THIS IS HORRIBLE) and did not want to ruin a request! maybe leave some feedback, i love seeing your nice messages! (seriously, it’s so cute) ♥ .c
You were shivering from head to toe, dragging your weapons along with you as your boots dug into the thick blanket of snow beneath you. You were pissed off, soaking wet, and you couldn’t feel most of your body. If your teeth weren’t chipped and cracked from slamming together so violently, you’d have to thank your bloodlines for your strong teeth genes.
Bucky followed beside you, guilt set on his features. You were done biting your tongue.
“You almost cost us the mission.” You said through chattering teeth, darting your eyes around the forest. There was nothing but snow falling, endless miles of large trees, and harsh winds biting at your already freezing skin.
Bucky sighed heavily beside you and adjusted his gun on his shoulder, his eyebrows creased. “Don’t you think I know that already?” He shot back, his eyes landing on your smaller and shorter frame. He frowned as he saw the light blue tint of your lips.
You swallowed thickly. “I know you do. I mean, who tries to shoot a suicide bomber? And pushes their teammate into a freezing pond?” You questioned loudly, your breath came out in a puff of fog in the freezing weather.
You looked up at Bucky, his hair was blowing in the wind, any other time it would’ve made you melt. That was hard when you were freezing your ass off. You could see a little bit of blood coming from his head, trickling down his cheek from a previous encounter with a guard.
“I didn’t know there was a bomb in his backpack, Y/N! I didn’t even see the pond; I was too focused on keeping you safe!” Bucky shouted back as he stopped walking. He felt bad for messing everything up, and he felt worse as he watched you hug yourself like you were about to turn to a frozen lump of flesh. Which you were.
You slowed down and turned to face Bucky. “We don’t need to stop. No thanks to you, the map is frozen solid in my back pocket and my comm is somewhere deep in the snow. Not to mention, I can’t feel most of my body.” You said lowly, keeping your gaze harsh and set on Bucky’s.
Bucky frowned and looking around the forest, hoping he’d spot a little cabin far away from here. Surely if there’s a HYDRA base not too far, there was an old hide out they used to lay low. Question is, would it be empty?
You shivered once again and tried to warm yourself up a little bit by rubbing your hands up and down your arms quickly. Letting out a frustrated sigh when your attempts failed, you continued walking. Bucky followed after you, the only sounds coming from either one of you were heavy breaths and the sound of crunching snow beneath your boots.
After another ten minutes of walking aimlessly around the forest, you happened upon a small cabin. You could hear Bucky’s sigh of relief and victory as you neared the area. “Stay back, I’m gonna check it out.” Bucky ordered, sliding his gun off of his shoulder and holding it up in front of him.
You rolled your eyes but stayed put, watching Bucky scope out the outside area before walking up the wooden steps to the front door. He peeked inside the glass oval design and moved away afterwards, turning the door knob. Seeing that it was frozen shut, he knocked his body against it and shoved it open.
You waited as patiently as you could while Bucky checked around the cabin, making sure it was free of danger. A sigh fell from your lips as you looked around you, taking in the place. It seemed quite peaceful and old. The sun was setting and you knew the temperature was going to drop even lower by nightfall.
Bucky’s body appeared at the front door and he motioned for you to come inside. You shivered still as you walked up the staircase, the faint smell of cedar filling your nostrils. You kicked the door shut as your eyes took in the interior. It was dusty and you could feel the heavy weight of old memories and human activity lingering in the air.
You pursed your lips and looked at Bucky. “It’ll work, but what are we supposed to do about the mission? Finding our way back home?” You questioned, sitting down on a chair near the door. You set your weapons down on the floor and watched Bucky slide his boots off, easily kicking them to the side.
He sighed heavily and slipped off his coat, hanging it on the dusty coat rack. “I don’t know, Y/N. What I do know is that you need a warm bath.” Bucky said as he bent down to help you take off your boots. You could barely feel the movement against you. Had you not been watching it, your brain wouldn’t have picked up the contact.
Bucky slid off your soaking wet sock and gasped as he saw the purple and blue tints of your foot, his flesh hand rubbing against you. “Y/N, I-” Bucky was speechless. He had no idea it was this bad. You gulped and worked on taking off your other boot, your cold hands shaking slightly. “Don’t worry about it.” You whispered, dropping your boot on the floor. Snow fell off it and melted onto the wooden floorboards.
If you didn’t get warm soon, you’d definitely lose a foot. You stood up on your feet and tried to walk, but since you couldn’t exactly feel them, you stumbled over, only to be caught by Bucky’s arms.
You gasped as you quickly looked up at him and breathed out. “Thanks. I’m-uh-I can’t walk.” You whispered, trying to get out of Bucky’s hold. He gently bent down and moved to pick you up bridal style, carrying you up the staircase. You would’ve objected and acted stubborn, forcing your body to move up the stairs.
But you stayed still, the warmth radiating off of Bucky’s body drew you in. His arms held you close and you could smell his sweat and iron from his small cut on his head. You didn’t mind it, you quite liked the way he smelled. Bucky smirked as he noticed you staring.
“It’s rude to stare, Y/N.” He murmured as he turned into the bathroom. You quickly looked away and were thankful your body was too cold for heat to rise into your cheeks. Bucky sat you down on the closed toilet and stood there awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.
You watched as the gears in his brain shifted around, he couldn’t figure out how to word what he wanted to say. You caught on quickly as his eyes fell to your soaked pants. You tucked your lips between your teeth and nodded gently. “You can help me.” You said softly, again thanking your cheeks for not turning red.
Bucky sighed out and you unbuttoned your pants with numb fingers, finding it hard once you got to the zipper. “Here.” Bucky mumbled, sinking onto his knees in front of you. You watched his long, slender fingers pull your zipper down. His fingers moved to your sides and you lifted up enough for him to slide them down your legs.
You hissed as the slightly frozen material scratched at your skin. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” Bucky whispered, chanting his apology until he pulled them over your feet. You settled on the toilet top and sighed shakily. “It’s f-f-ine.” You shivered again, feeling even colder, if that were possible.
Bucky stood up and dropped your pants down on the floor near his feet. You lifted your arms as Bucky peeled off your shirt and you gasped at the cool air, goosebumps burning your skin. “I didn’t mean to make you f-feel bad.” You whispered, folding your arms over your chest.
A sigh fell from Bucky’s lips as he turned to turn the tub on. Thankfully, the water still pumped. He felt the warm water kick in and flicked the droplets off his hand before turning back to you. “It’s okay. We’ll talk about it later.” Bucky said with a small smile.
You smiled back and reached for his hands. You held onto Bucky’s shoulders and his hands fiddled with your bra clasp before pulling away from you. You swallowed nervously and let your arms down, your bra sliding off your arms and to the floor. Bucky inhaled deeply and let his fingers glide down your sides before slipping them into the waistband of your panties. Pulling them off, you kicked them from your ankles.
“I-I need help getting in.” You whispered, staring down at your discolored, frozen feet. Bucky nodded and picked you up bridal style again before taking you over to the half full tub. He gently set you in and you gasped at the sudden warmness.
Bucky set you down and you sighed at the warm water, leaning back against the porcelain tub. You looked up at Bucky, keeping your arms over your chest. “Thank you.” You said with a small smile. Bucky scratched the back of his neck and nodded. “I’m gonna make up the bed and try to find some blankets.” He said lowly before taking his leave.
You relaxed in the warm water, and slowly but surely felt the numbness start to go away. Thoughts about Bucky came to your mind. You felt bad for how you snapped at him earlier, and you couldn’t help but realize how much you like him, even more than before. Your feelings started a few months after you were recruited.
It was rough at first; opening up to everyone. Then one night, Bucky found you on the roof of the tower, and you both talked about your pasts and they’re quite similar. You fell hard and fast for Bucky. It scared you. You weren’t sure how to deal with your feelings for him, because what if he didn’t feel the same way?
What if he did but wasn’t ready for that? It was selfish of you to want him to be, so you hid your feelings and let it go. But when Tony told you that you’d be going on a mission with Bucky, and only Bucky, you became anxious.
But rather than the mission going smoothly, you ended up here. It wasn’t Bucky’s fault and he was trying to help you, after all. You sighed and felt your body heat return, so you stood from the bath and drained it before getting out. You searched for a towel and found an old one under the sink cabinet.
You wrapped it around yourself and shivered once again at the chilly air as you left the bathroom. There was a light coming from a room at the end of the hallway, and you figured that was the bedroom Bucky was in. You approached the door and looked inside, watching Bucky make the bed. It didn’t look that disgusting, so you figured it would do. Nobody has been here for a long time.
Bucky looked up at the door and smiled when he saw you. You walked in and held the towel tightly around your body. “I couldn’t find any clothes, so I’ll let you use my shirt. If-if that’s okay with you?” Bucky cautiously asked, his eyes staying on yours.
You nodded and licked your lips, feeling the warmth in them again. “That’s fine. But, what about you?” You asked quietly. Bucky waved his hand at you and crossed around the bed to meet you. “I always sleep shirtless.” He said with a smile. His fingers hooked underneath the hem of his shirt and he pulled his over his head, mindful of his wound.
He gave you his shirt and left the room, letting you change. Quickly dropping your towel, you pulled Bucky’s shirt over your body, instantly catching a whiff of his deodorant and a hint of his cologne. You felt a little exposed without underwear on, even if his shirt was way past your mid-section, but you had no choice.
You walked out of the bedroom and went back to the bathroom, searching for anything to clean Bucky’s cut. You searched all of the drawers and came across some cleaning wipes and band-aids. You smiled and set them on the sink, turning to call out for Bucky.
“Bucky? Can you come here?” You called from the bathroom door, looking down the hallway. You could hear his footsteps rush up the staircase and his body emerge from the corner. He hurried over to you and looked you up and down. “What’s the matter?” He asked softly, reaching his hand out to your arm.
You smiled and pulled him inside of the bathroom. “You took care of me, so let me take care of you.” You said softly, moving him to sit on the toilet top. “Y/N, you don’t have to.” Bucky chuckled, watching you tear open a cleaning wipe and a band-aid. “I want to.” You said as you walked over to him.
Bucky sighed and nodded, his eyes falling to your figure in his shirt. His eyes fell to your legs and back up to your face. You couldn’t hide the blush anymore, but you still ignored it. You gently moved Bucky’s hair off of his forehead and gently wiped away the dried blood.
You were focused on his wound, but still noticed Bucky’s eyes staring intently on yours. A smirk formed on your lips and you grabbed the band-aid, tearing off the seals and gently putting it over the cut.
“It’s rude to stare, Bucky.” You said with a smile. Bucky cleared his throat and took a deep, shaky breath. “Sorry. Let’s get to bed.” He said lowly, standing from his seat. You nodded and walked beside Bucky to the bedroom. It was still pretty chilly and you shivered lightly, holding your arms to your chest.
You pulled the blankets back on your side and saw Bucky pick up a pillow. “What are you doing?” You asked, getting into the bed. Bucky looked at you with raised eyebrows. “Oh, I was gonna sleep on the couch downstairs.” He said bashfully, his hair falling to frame his face. “You can sleep here, there’s enough room.” You said, patting the spot next to you.
Bucky chuckled softly and tossed the pillow back down. He slipped into bed and you lied down on your back, sighing softly. The room was silent for a few moments and you noticed it was finally dark outside. You could hear the wind blowing harshly against the cabin and it made you shiver again.
“Are you still cold?” Bucky questioned, leaning up on his elbow. He looked over at you and you nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be okay though.” You whispered, pulling the blankets up to your shoulders.
“I’m not gonna let you freeze, Doll.” Bucky reached his arm over to you, letting it slither around your waist. You gasped as he pulled you to his body and your arms were the only thing blocking your chests from being pressed together. Bucky’s skin was warm and you sighed at the feeling of it.
You blushed again and snuggled closer into Bucky’s chest. “I’m sorry.” You whispered, staring at Bucky’s chin. He smiled and you felt his thumb trace circles on your side. “If I had to be stuck in the middle of nowhere again, in a miracle cabin, I’d want it to be you.” He whispered, pressing his lips against your forehead.
Your heart fluttered in your chest and you lifted your head up to look at Bucky. His eyes met yours and your reached your hand up to rest on his cheek. His stubble tickled your palm and you saw the corner of his lips twitch, a smile threatening to spread across his plump lips.
Your eyes traveled along his face and you leaned closer, looking up into his eyes, asking for permission. Bucky smiled just before closing the distance between your lips. You hummed against him and his hand pulled you onto him as he turned onto his back.
Bucky’s hands squeezed your waist and you deepened the kiss, letting your hands tangle into his hair. Bucky’s arms circled over your back, keeping you tight against his chest. His tongue poked out against your bottom lip and you opened your mouth, meeting your tongue with his, easily being dominated by his.
You both pulled away for air after a few moments and you giggled, hiding your face in Bucky’s neck. “It was worth it.” You said through your giggles. “What was?” Bucky questioned softly, his hands squeezing your sides. “Being pushed into a freezing cold pond.” You replied, sighing as you made yourself comfortable on his chest.
Bucky chuckled again and cradled your head with his metal hand. “I’m sorry about that.” Bucky said, kissing your head. You shrugged gently and smiled.
“Like I said…worth it.”
Note: I don’t know how I feel about this. It might not even make sense. feedback is welcome, like always! .c
which road leads back to you? i’ll walk barefoot through thorns if only i could reach the beginning again. i’ll dig up the grave. i’ll shake the death off. i’ll decorate the abandoned house. i’ll give it cpr until it comes back gasping for air. i like when things aren’t perfect, anyway. we can cover up the bleeding parts with band-aids and kiss each others’ fault lines. this time will be better, i swear. i know you’re saying goodbye but i’m still trying to figure out ways to make this work. you’re saying our story’s over but i don’t believe you. i still think we’re going to find our way back to each other in the end. this isn’t over if i keep pretending. this isn’t over. this cannot be dead.
I’m sorry I’ve been silent for so long but today was the first day of our additional tour for our 15th anniversary Dainippon Itan Geisha - Cherry Blossom of Imbecility.
Time has flown by since the day of our 15th anniversary LIVE at Yoyogi and before we knew it we reached the day of the first additional show.
I think, even though we say “additional”, we do present a show that’s different from the Yoyogi LIVE. I guess, you could say, as an outlook on this tour, we took the attitude of searching for stimuli and creating an exciting environment. Rather than just completely reproducing the Yoyogi LIVE, let’s keep finding all kinds of different ways to reach back into our memories as the Dainippon Itan Geisha*, create a tour we can truly enjoy and make LIVES that will each remain in our memory!!
Its inevitable, high school is gonna end, we are gonna move to different towns. We aren’t going to see these people everyday anymore, we have six months left together. Six more months of lunches 5 days a week at the same table in the same room in the same school. About 150, give or take a few, days until we graduate and leave this school forever. 4 years of our lives is done. And some people might think that this is a dark depressing thought, that in six months we will leave our best friends behind and move on to another part of our life story. But I think there is a difference between me and someone who thinks this is dark and depressing. You, who thinks this is a dark thought who doesn’t want to hear it, you are probably scared, terrified for the inevitable future that awaits you. And thats perfectly fine, be scared to leave your best friends, that fear is going to drive you to make the most out of these last six months together. Its going to make you want to go out and go to games, dress crazily for spirit weeks, not give a crap about what other people in the school think because you are enjoying yourself for the last time with these people. The difference is I am okay with me and my friends splitting up. I have seven best friends and we hang out all the time. I know that these people are going to be the ones I can count on, these people are going to be with me for the rest of my life, most likely the ones I want to have in my wedding. There is going to be distance put in between us and it will be hard to talk. Seven different people, seven different schedules, seven different towns, finding the time for everyone to talk will be so hard but I’m not worried. These are the people that I know I can count on, that will call me out when I’m lying and will help me through a bad day. I know that we might be able to talk everyday, and I think I’m okay with that because I know that these are the types of people that I don’t need to talk to everyday because I know that they will always be there for me. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to talk to them, believe me I am, but it means that I will be okay if there comes a point where everyone is too busy to talk everyday. Now with all this being said, and how I am not scared, that doesn’t mean I won’t take advantage of these six months, I will. I will enjoy every moment that we spend together, every lunch, every dinner at my house, every song played on my guitar in my room, every old movie watched together, every car ride blasting music. I’m going to love every minute of it, but I know that I will be okay when it comes to the point where all of that is just a memory. I will be okay when we all leave, yes I will be heartbroken but I know that we will always find our ways back to each other.
I think more seniors need to understand this. People think when high school is over they end a book, they think of there life as a book series, but its not, its one long novel. High school is just a chapter in it, and just because the chapter is over doesn’t mean the main characters cease to exist. Yes new characters come into the story, but the main ones will always be there, maybe not like they were before, and maybe not in the next chapter, but they will come back into the story. It might be years down the line, but the people who are supposed to be in your life, have a way of coming back. These are your best friends, the people you meet in high school and if your lucky they will be there for the rest of your life.
I wrote this short thing for the needle wizard,
pencil sorceress and all around magnificent friend, the lovely @outlanderedandoverhere. Master
Seamstress shares with me the love for Ed Sheeran and I couldn’t resist the
urge to have her doing a happy dance over this. Enjoy! X
I entered the small coffee shop, unfolding my
scarf as soon as I felt the merciful warmth of the heating system, aiming
towards a quiet table at the corner, as I shook off snowflakes from my curls.
As I waited for the small waitress to bring me
my cranberry scone and a large cup of steaming tea, I opened my notebook and
started reading the notes I had taken. It was a very hard case, a young patient
with a rare tumor compressing his bile duct – presenting with jaundice, looking
like the most recent character of The
Simpsons. The previous surgeon in charge of the case had announced it to be
unresectable, which gave him about three months of life expectancy. At the age
of thirty, you are seldom ready for your life to end – least of all without throwing
a good fight.
And that was what I was planning to offer him –
a risky procedure, only done in the past by a handful of surgeons in the
country. If it worked, he would be cancer free – and it was my job to guarantee
it worked. I had barely slept the last couple of nights, immersed in planning
the surgery to the finest detail.
I loved my job, fiercely – even in the moments
I hated it. I never lost the tingling on my palms when I held the scalpel or
the sudden feel of a jump inside my belly, like I had missed a step, whenever I
finished a hazardous procedure. Besides, it was a very welcome distraction from
the wreckage of my personal life.
I sipped my tea, delighted with the smoky taste
of the Highland blend, strong and homely on the back of my tongue. It reminded
me of the taste of his skin against
my lips and I swallowed hard, slightly shaking my head to disperse unwelcome
The bell above the door rang, a small tornado
of snow allowed in as new customers entered the cosy place. I bit the back of
my pencil, tilting my head to better discern an approach, as I mobilized the
invisible pancreas before me. I smiled, seeing the vessels and ducts so well
exposed in the eye of my mind, ready to be conquered, and raised my eyes to ask
for a second congratulatory scone.
I saw his back but recognized him immediately –
I had kissed that spot just behind his
ear, where his hair curled at the nape, countless times.
He was wearing his pilot uniform underneath his
overcoat, the flight captain’s hat placed next to his elbow on the table. I had
a sudden flash of his hands placing that hat on my head, a playful smile on his
full lips, his slightly callused hands roaming my otherwise naked body. No.
Without thinking, I was already making myself
small on my table, shrinking to the point where I could almost hide under the
tasteful tablecloth – wishing I had gone to another place, in another time, in
Only then I noticed he had company - a cute
blonde girl wearing stewardess clothes, her lips painted red to match the satin
scarf prettily tied around her neck in a bow. She sat in front of him on the
table, a complicit smile plastered on her face, as he talked – probably sharing
something about a recent trip.
He was always coming and going, flying around
the world – I remembered all too well setting my alarm to the middle of the
night, just so I could listen to his voice in Tokyo. Kissing him goodbye – there had been so many goodbyes, not enough
hellos – before he left to New York. Texting him, unsure where in the world
he was exactly – but painfully aware it wasn’t by my side.
The nights became so long, always craving,
always wondering. I felt split in two, half of myself scattered in the wind,
travelling on the air - while the other half was forced to anchor it, bearing
down, struggling with heaviness. There weren’t enough kisses to ease the
constant ache, as much as he tried – and
he had tried.
“Do ye not want me
anymore?” He had
asked me on the final night, broken – Oh,
I hadn’t answered him and in my silence he took
his leave, shoulders hunched in pain. In truth, I couldn’t fathom a time when I
wouldn’t want him – and that was the problem, wasn’t it? I kept wanting and wanting and wanting, wanting so much
everything hurt, wanting so much I feared I would physically break.
The flight attendant touched his hand – to my
horror he didn’t shy away from it. It lingered there, natural and possessive,
and I felt the scone doing cartwheels inside my stomach like a flour acrobat.
She leaned over and told him something,
slightly sticking her tongue out in mischief and he laughed. Throat and lungs
and vocal chords, clapping and singing, an orchestra on a perfect rendition of
amusement. Standing ovation from the crowd. Claire Beauchamp dead in the
He used to laugh like that with me. Jamie
always laughed with his entire body. He was that kind of man – whole in
everything he did. I recalled the sensation of his laugh as I laid my cheek on
his chest, a scientist studying the mechanisms of happiness. For a moment I
closed my eyes and covered them with my hand, foolishly disturbed by the
realization I didn’t hold his laughter in exclusiveness.
Jamie looked happy. I could see the outline of
his smile, the corners of his mouth turned up in contentment. Had he been that
happy with me, once? Before I filled our lives with insecurities, demands and frailties?
She squeezed his hand – fingers touching, skin
meeting, hearts melting? - and got up, putting on her elegant coat. With a
swish of blonde hair, she kissed his cheek – clearly no amiable kiss demanded
such duration, in my opinion – and with a light caress on his forehead, left
him finally alone.
He looked around, searching for the waitress to
ask for a refill and – of course – spotted me. It was like standing on stage,
two spotlights beaming on us, everything else left in darkness. Jamie glanced
at me and I proudly endured his gaze, asserting that I saw his happiness and
wasn’t shaken at all by it. Liar.
made my way to his table, a slug crawling on a lettuce leaf, ugly but brave. I
seemed to be ken on eating every crumb of my cake of sorrow and then smile,
pretending it was sweet.
“Hello, Jamie.” I greeted him, bracing myself
on the notebook I carried. His hair was somewhat shorter than the last time I
had seen him, a couple of months ago, his uniform impeccable, the tie on his
neck just a bit loose. I used to make his knots and suddenly panicked, fearing
that the blonde girl was a master of turns and twists, able of fixing his heart
as well as his tie.
“Hello, Claire.” Jamie replied, his voice
cautious. “How are ye?”
“Good.” I smiled nervously. “Are you back from
“Aye.” He fidgeted with the mug in front of
him, a soft hesitant smile on his lips. “Just got back from Brazil. It was a
wee furnace there.”
“Ah.” I swallowed hard, struggling to come up
with other pleasantries I could share with him. Do you smile in your sleep when she touches you? “You look good.
“What are ye asking me, Claire?” He avoided my
gaze, his face abruptly serious.
“Nothing.” I replied in a hoarse voice, well
aware that he could spot the tears forming on the corners of my eyes, in the
fountains of my soul. “Just that. You looked happy with her.”
“She’s a good lass.” He glared at me, his eyes
outrageously blue and intent. “She understands what life is for me. I feel that
I can talk to her.”
“As you couldn’t talk to me?” I tried to smile
again and failed miserably, the glass of my face polished and glistening,
reflecting the thousands of small sorrows hidden in the corners of my eyes.
“I told ye all my soul and heart.” Jamie
lowered his eyes, grabbing his hat. “In the end it wasna enough. That is my utmost
regret, Claire - that it wasna enough.”
I stood there, speechless, as he gathered his
things and left. I thought of the bleeders that elude the most capable surgeon,
the cardiac arrest that lasts forever, the hands inside where we are most
private, touching the core of what we are, unable to reach what had been lost.
I slammed my heart at him as he closed the door behind him – “Jamie!” – knowing all too well I had no
one to blame but myself. I had traded all for nothing, convinced it was a
worthy bargain – blind, blind, fool.
I crawled home, shaken to the very marrow of my
bones, oozing love and loss – sticky and queasy with it. In medical school they
had told me how the brain works to protect itself – the clever barrier
surrounding it, the plasticity, the temperature regulation – and yet my brain
seemed decided to finish me, incessantly playing memories of Jamie, smacking me
with my own recklessness. I had no self-preservation left, for I loved him to
the atoms of me.
I had seen him happy without me – there was joy
there to be sure, in knowing him well. But the pain was almost unbearable, no
last redoubt of magical thinking left, where I could hide and pretend we would
find our way back to each other. He was
gone. Pushed away by my own two hands.
I collapsed on the couch, curling into fetal
position, making myself small and smaller. My ears were filled with the sounds
of my own heart and I willed him to stop, to let go of beating, to be still and
let me be.
He kissed my cheek on
our first date. I kissed his lips on the second. Loved all of himself by the
tenth. My heart leapt when I saw him, tall and gallant in his uniform, almost
running to hold me in his arms at the hospital. When he told me flying was his
second favourite thing. When he told me I was first. Red Jamie, my Jamie.
A knock on the door, fast and rhythmed. A
secret code for the lover coming.
I padded to the door, afraid and wanting. Hopeful.
I opened the door and he was standing there,
snowflakes turning into rivers on the brim of his hat. He reached out with his
hand and I took it, already knowing I’d never let go again.
“I was happier with ye.” He whispered in a
husky voice. And I remembered it all, the happiness and love I’d known, waiting
in him as kisses on his lips.
So I thought Cas was acting off since his first trip to the Other. We know he met Bobby there, but what if he also met his alt self? What if the reason he was acting off was because it was alt Cas in our world scoping things out, and real Cas is being held captive in the Other. Dean doesn’t know so we still get all the mourning/pining Dean in season 13 until our Cas finds a way back or the boys find a way there. Perhaps Mary and Cas in the Other working together to return…
Based off prompts 2- Don’t forget me when you’re gone, and 30- Why can’t you love me like you love her?
Description: Y/n is Shawn’s best friend, and has been since the first grade, when they’re a year out of high school and Shawn now has a girlfriend, he has an important decision to make between them. He knows his girlfriend, Maya, is nothing but toxic for him, shes practically ruining his good boy physique. When y/n tries to tell him he needs to stop seeing her what will his decision be?
I kind of really want to do a part two to this. Let me know what you think and I will!
I miss you. I miss texting you about every single stupid thing that happens in my life. I miss laughing with you and all of our inside jokes. I miss looking over at you and knowing exactly what you are thinking. I miss your family and the way you used to fill me in on their daily happenings and what crazy, judgmental things they said this time. I miss knowing that, at the end of the day, I had you– that when push came to shove, no matter how bad the situation might be, I knew you would be there. I miss my person, my other half and my best friend.
I hate that when people ask me how you are doing, and I genuinely don’t know. I hate that our conversations that once used to be so natural and seemingly endless are now just formal “how-do-you-do’s,” and “hope-you’re-doing-well’s.”
I hate that your face, the face I was so accustomed to seeing almost every single day, has become just another one in the crowd. I hate that we no longer speak, and that when we do, all of our conversations are awkward and now start with “OMG! I haven’t talked to you in forever!”
I’m mad at us for letting our friendship become this far gone. What happened? How did we not see this coming? How did we not feel ourselves starting to drift? I am mad at us for not fighting harder for the friendship that we had. It wasn’t like most friendships. It was the kind of friendship that neither of us could have anticipated coming to an end. It was us against the world, and now it is nothing. I am mad at us for letting it become nothing but a collection of memories.
I am sad because I don’t even know where to go from here. I don’t know what there is to be said. Nothing really happened to make it change, so how would we fix it? How do I make this horrible yearning for you go away? How do I shake the dreadful feeling of knowing that my best friend is no longer just a phone call away? We don’t even know each other anymore. How do we find a way to fall back together just as easily as we fell apart?
I hate that it probably can’t be fixed. I am hurt that you will probably never again be a huge part of my life. It hurts that when I threw my first housewarming party at the home my fiancé and I just bought, you weren’t there. That when I look around on my wedding day at all the faces in the crowd, it will hurt just as badly then as it does now to find that yours may not be there. But what hurts the most, and what I’m most scared of, is that you probably don’t even care at all. I am scared that maybe you haven’t noticed my absence in your life, or that maybe you have, but it just doesn’t matter to you.
I’m not naïve… I know that you have by now replaced me. I am scared that you don’t look back on our friendship as fondly as I do. I’m scared that our lack of a future doesn’t hurt you just as badly as it hurts me. I’m scared that you don’t miss me as much as I miss you.
However, even if that is the case, I like to hope that we will find our way back to each other, no matter how unlikely that now seems. I will never stop caring about you and wishing you well in life. I will silently smile from a distant sideline as you go out into the world and kick ass.
You will always hold a special place in my heart, even though I may no longer hold one in yours. I will never stop looking back on our friendship fondly and will always only have kind things to say.
I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I do know one thing is for certain, I will never find another friend like the friend I found in you. Thank you for everything. I miss you more than you could ever possibly know.
jalec au aesthetic➳ the vow “I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now
and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime
love. And to always know in the deepest part of my soul that no matter
what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find our way back
to each other.”
O’ we’re going home Swimming to and fro Our hearts know where to go Beating like a drum that sends us back to where we’re from O’ were going home We know who we are And it’s time to travel far Days and nights we’ll go To make our way back home
A/N: A collab Lemonade series with @5sos-formation (idk when she’ll update). Based off Queen Bey’s song.
You sat across from Calum with your eyes cast down at the cup of coffee that was resting in front of you. After much begging on Calum’s part you had agreed to try on working things out. The subject of getting a divorce had been on the table, but Calum refused to let you go. Nine times out of ten I know you’re trying, I’m trying to be fair. For some reason you wanted to give Calum another chance. Just one more chance to see if the two of you could work things out.
You were only human. So human that there was still that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that made you question what you had done wrong. That was all you wanted to know. Why did Calum cheat? Was it you? Could you not provide him with as much love as you had thought? It hurt to know that he was with another woman for months on end. Just like you gave Calum life, he did the same for you. Calum was your lifeline and he was trying to kill you with how much he was cheating. Without him you weren’t sure what to do. “Y/N look at me please,” Calum whispered, squeezing your hand to bring you back down to reality. You were too wrapped up in your feelings to remember he was there. Your eyes adverted from the cup of coffee to Calum. “What’s on your mind?” he asked, licking at his plump lips. You let out a deep breath and turned to look out the window at the busy people rushing past. You and me could move a mountain.
“What did I do wrong?” you questioned. The words came out so soft, so quiet that Calum almost didn’t hear it. He became silent for just a moment. Heart pounding in his chest at your words. The answer was nothing. You had done absolutely nothing wrong. It was his fault the two of you were in this mess. It was Calum’s infidelity that caused everything. You had always been 100% committed and devoted to everything he had done. God you loved Calum with your all and he was too selfish to realize you were his everything. Calum started cheating for his own selfish reasons. There was no reason for him to crave a different type of love. No reason for him to sow his royal oats. That woman he cheated with didn’t give Calum the love he needed. She just filled a hole of lust, but you. You took care of Calum, the two of you could make it rain down with how much love you had for one another.
“Nothing, baby,” Calum sighed, “You are absolutely perfect and I’m-I’m a fool for cheating on you.” Calum was not going to give up on this marriage. He was going to do everything in his power to keep the two of you together. The minute you left him Calum realized how stupid he was. He vowed to love and protect you. Calum broke those vows and did the worst thing he could ever do. He lost his wife…nearly lost his wife. “That woman means nothing to me,” Calum stated. You looked over to him, ten times out of nine I know you’re lying, trying to find any hint that he wasn’t telling the truth. You came up with nothing. Calum was being honest with you.
“Then why do it?” you asked, feeling the tears begin to spring at the corner of your eyes. That’s all you wanted to know. Why did Calum do it? He shrugged. How could Calum answer your question when he didn’t know the answer himself. You shook your head at his silence and wiped the tears from your eyes. You didn’t want to cry in front of him. You couldn’t let your guard down now. Calum didn’t deserve to see your tears now. He didn’t deserve your tears. “Do you love me?” you asked this time. The words leaving your mouth before you could even register them.
“More than you’ll ever know,” Calum answered fast. Of course he loved you if he didn’t the two of you wouldn’t be sitting here right now trying to work things out. Silence filled the air between the two of you. The only sound was the hustle and bustle of the coffee shop goers going by. Calum had chosen the spot. It was probably because the last time you found out about his cheating you had set his stuff on fire. This time he wouldn’t have gotten off so easy. “Do you remember what I said to you on the day before our wedding?” Calum asked, finally breaking the silence. You nodded at his words and somehow it brought a small smile to your face.
“You said that even if we’re apart we’ll always find our way back to each other. That we can climb over any obstacle and come out fighting strong,” you restated, saying what he had said word for word.
“I also said that I will love you to the ends of time,” he said, “I know I broke two promises I made to you, but I still hold true to that one.” Calum knew it was going to take a lot for him to win your trust back. Hell he had a hard time gaining your trust when the two of you started dating. You had been hurt before in the past and tried to make sure it wouldn’t happen again. Calum was going to make it up to you. He gave you a hopeful look, hoping that this memory would tell you that he was still here for you. That he will always love you. “Peaches, this is one obstacle that we have to get through.”
You began to chew on your bottom lip, a nervous habit of yours. This had to be the most indecisive decision you’ve ever had to make. A question like this couldn’t be answered that quickly. You had to think about it. Think long and hard on whether you and Calum should give your marriage another chance. “I need a few days to think it over,” you told him. Calum’s smile dropped at your words. You didn’t say no, so it showed him that there was still a chance you two would still be together. “Just a few more days,” you said. Calum nodded at your words. You were going to think about it and that was all he needed to know.
“Alright a few more days,” he agreed. Anything more and Calum surely would have died. You started to pack up your stuff and he was quick to stop you. “Can we just spend another hour together?” he pleaded. Calum wanted to spend as much time with you as he could. Soak in your presence just in case you had chosen never to see him again. You sighed taking unintentional mercy on him. Calum wanted to love you again and this was one of the steps to accomplishing that. Soon enough he was going to get his answer and maybe… just maybe the two of you could stop this love drought.