finals will be over soon

4

                                                                         
                                       when the world falls around you, and hope is lost,
                                    when you find yourself alone, amid a lightless place,
                                               look to the distance. know that i’m there
                                                     and that i watch over you always.
                                                                                                                                                                      

oh god oh god oh god i’m not ready for the last episode tomorrow :’(((

bullet journal ideas

winter’s the perfect time to scrapbook and write ideas into your bullet journal! here are a few ideas for you if you’re in need of inspiration!

  • Christmas recipes
  • movies to watch (fantastic beasts and where to find them!!!!)
  • books to read
  • shows to watch (personal recommendation: the crown)
  • Christmas wish list
  • songs/albums to listen to
  • plant care guide
  • topics to self-study
  • motivational quotes page (i have a few on my blog)
  • bucket list
  • what am I working for? (motivation page)
  • things that make me happy
  • where do I want to be in 5 years?
  • pretty color palettes
  • favourite drinks
  • favorite food/snacks
  • cities to travel to
  • stationery wishlist
  • habit tracker
  • movie/book quotes
  • places you want to go to with your friends
  • 2017 release dates of stuff you like
  • ideas for doodling/drawing
  • tips for time management
  • goals for your studyblr
  • “dog page” where you count all the doggies you saw every day
  • books I’ve read in December/January/insert month/year
  • online shopping hauls
  • letter to your past or future self!
  • playlists!! for a certain mood or situation
  • grade tracker
  • page to try out your new washi tape, pen, marker, etc.
  • handwriting practice/calligraphy
  • birthdays + possible presents
  • list of your friends and their best qualities
  • you + your friends MBTI types
  • sort your friends into Hogwarts houses!
  • mood chart
  • a sentence a day
  • plot ideas
  • character ideas
  • cryptography
  • beautiful words to use more often
  • untranslatable words!! 
  • “friend pages” where your friends write stuff in
  • your favourite feelings, smells and fabrics
  • fashion inspiration
  • textbooks to buy

Hopefully, this is helpful for some of you, if you have any more ideas, just add it on here. I know that finals are hard, but they’re soon to be over, so don’t give up!!

A commission for @queenaeducan ( as a gift from her wonderful date friend ) of Solas & @dalishfreckles !! This piece was a long haul and there are so many tiny details tumblr just won’t let me show, and was a bigger project that I ever expected, but I’m so happy to finally get to share it with you all!

The Stories We Tell

Originally posted by soluscheese

Characters: Dean x Reader, Sam

Word Count: 2176

Summary:  The reader tries to move on after but there are obstacles.

Warnings:  Some fluff, some angst, some humor, lots of swearing


Not all love stories have a happy ending.  

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  

Sometimes two people can love each other completely, and still break up.  It’s not that it ended, it’s that it ran its course.  

You loved him completely, and always would.  But the story of you two together, sweaty and tangled in bed sheets, desperately reaching for each other after a hunt, curled up in front of the TV, that story was over.

Now there was only friendship.  And it was okay, you promised yourself.  

It was okay.  

Keep reading

Drive In Confessions

Word Count: 1,711    

   A/N: This was requested by NoaCohen17 on Wattpad, i hope this is what you wanted!

Originally posted by betty-and-jughead


MasterList

    It was the last night that the Drive In was going to be open, and as expected Jughead was upset. He had been a mess all night, although Y/N was the only one who knew it, he wouldn’t dare to show anyone else how he actually felt. They knew he was upset of course, but they never saw him cry over the matter like Y/N did, she was his absolute best friend and his crush. The Drive In had a final showing, and everyone left as soon as the movie was over, everyone except for Jughead and Y/N. They sat on the ground on a blanket discussing the next movie they were going to watch.    

    “Whats next?” Jughead asked quietly, and Y/N shrugged.    

    “Whatever you want Juggie, this is your night.” she said tenderly.    

    “No, its our night, this was our favourite hang out and its about to be demolished. This is just as much your night as it is mine.” he said, sniffling and trying to hold back tears. Y/N rubbed small circles on Jugheads back, and leaned her head on his shoulder, staring off at the screen.    

    “I honestly don’t care what we watch, as long as I’m with you this night will be special.” she said, and Jughead nodded, standing up. He held out his hand to Y/N and she took it, and he pulled her up. She stumbled and crashed into his chest and he caught her, chuckling and staring down at her. She backed away and tried to hide her crimson blush, brushing herself off.    

    “Whats so funny, Chuckles?” she said, and Jughead laughed even more.     “Whats so funny? Maybe the fact that apparently you don’t know how to stand on two feet. Have you been standing long, princess?” he teased, and she blushed even more at the nickname.    

    “You’re an ass, why am I friends with you?” she asked, walking towards the film room.    

    “Because I’m your ass.” he called, walking after her. She stopped in her tracks and turned around.    

    “Wow, cringe alert.” she said, and Jughead rolled his eyes.    

    “You know what I meant.” he said and she shrugged.    

    “Do I really?” she teased and he gave her a slight shove.    

    “Yes, you know me better than anyone.” he said in a serious tone, and she nodded.    

    “I better, I’m your best friend and I don’t want any secrets between us.” she said, and he nodded.    

    “Are you keeping any secrets from me?” he asked and she tensed up slightly.    

    “You don’t need to know.” she said, and grabbed her arm as she tried to walk away.    

    “Woah I don’t think so, you just said there shouldn’t be any secrets between us.” he said, staring down at her.    

    “"Are you keeping any secrets from me?” she asked cheekily, and he stared down at the floor. “Wow, your poker face really crumbles when it comes to me.” she teased.    

    “Yeah whatever.” he huffed. “We should probably get these secrets out of the way, shouldn’t we?” he asked and Y/N blushed, slowly nodding her head.     “Yeah, I guess.” she looked up at the raven haired boy. “You should probably go first.” she quickly added, earning a chuckle from the boy.    

    “Fine, I guess I will.” slowly he walked the rest of the way to the little shack at the back of the Drive In and stopped in front of the door and turned to face the (Y/H/C) haired girl. “Please don’t get mad at what I’m about to tell you.” he said quietly, and she looked at him worriedly.    

    “Okay…” she said. Slowly, he opened the door to the little room and let her peer inside. Her eyes fell onto a small mattress with blankets and clothes on it. She saw a few pictures around the small place, and she turned to face Jughead. “Are you…?”    

    “Yeah.” he said quietly. “You already know whats going on with my dad of course, but I got tired of it so I moved out. I didn’t exactly have anywhere else to go so I came here.”    

    “What do you mean you had no where else to go, you could of come to live with me!” she exclaimed, and she saw his face fall even more. “Im sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, its just you could have come and stayed with me. You know that right?” she said quietly, grabbing onto his shoulder and forcing him to look at her.    

    “Your parents wouldn’t of allowed it.” he said, and it was her turn to spill a secret.    

    “About that.” she said, giving a nervous laugh. “I don’t exactly live with my parents anymore.” she said, and he looked at her wide eyed. “Please don’t tell the others, they’d take over my house and throw a party, and I cant stand seeing people at our school already, I don’t need to hate them at my house as well.” she said and Jughead laughed.    

    “I wont, I promise, but what do you mean you don’t live with them anymore?” he asked.    

    “Well, as you know my parents aren’t all that great either. You know how they were never home and I practically take care of myself anyways, so I got a job and moved out of my house. I’m in a small two bedroom one bathroom apartment and its super cheap but kind of shitty but hey, its better than living with parents who don’t care about me.  At least this way I have a reason to take care of myself, and its my own roof so its my own rules.” she said. Jughead slowly nodded his head.    

    “Why didn’t you tell me before, you have to be careful Y/N, theres a murderer on the loose and having you alone scares me.”’ he said worriedly and she giggled.    

    “You’re the one to talk, this place has the shittiest locks ever, I could kick down your door in .02 seconds. And I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d freak out.” she said, and he nodded his head in agreement.    

    “Touché.” he said.    

    “Anything else you have to take off your chest?” she asked, leaning against the door frame and crossing her arms across her chest.    

    “Well, there is one thing, but I don’t know if I want to say anything.” he said and she rolled her eyes.    

    “Come on, you can tell me.” she said, and Jughead sighed. “Wait, don’t tell me, I think I know what it is.”      

    “"What?” he asked, tensing up. There was no way she would know, is there?    

    “You’re an alcoholic.” she said seriously, and Jughead shook his head. Y/N giggled. “I know that’s not it, you’re just taking way too long to tell me whats actually up.”    

    “I didn’t find it very funny.” he said, staring down at the ground.      

    “Wow, and there goes your sense of humor. Seriously Juggie, whats up, just tell me.” she pleaded. A sudden burst of confidence coursed through Jughead and he took a deep breath.      

    “Fine, here it goes.” he started, and Y/N perked up. Jughead took a few steps forward until he was right in front of Y/N. His gaze fell upon her face, and she looked up questioningly up at him.      

    “Jughead, what’s going on, I thought you were going to…” she trailed off as Jugheads gaze went from her eyes to her lips, and she quickly caught on to what was about to happen. “Oh…” she said as he started to lean down. He paused right before his lips met hers.      

    “Are you sure?” he asked quietly, his breath fanning out across her face, sending shivers up her back. She stood on her toes, closing the gap between the two of them. They stood there for what felt like hours, his lips on hers. pouring every emotion they could into this one kiss. Y/N finally pulled away breathlessly, staring up at the handsome raven haired boy that stood in front of her.

    “Thats quite a secret you’ve been holding onto.” she joked, earning a smirk from Jughead.      

    “Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like you were keeping the same one.” he said, grabbing her hands and leaning down close to her again.    

    “Its a shame you didn’t tell me earlier.” she whispered and Jughead chuckled, moving to close the gap between them. She quickly pulled away, moving towards the shelves of movies, searching for one to watch. Jughead watched as she looked through the films, and she slowly turned around smirking.      

    “You’re such a tease.” he said, walking towards her.      

    “Not a tease, just impatient to watch our last movies here.” she stated bluntly, still smiling. “We have our whole lives to celebrate our little secret, but we only havetonight to celebrate the Drive In.” Jughead nodded, looking through the movies as well. He pulled out (Y/F/M) and showed it to her, and she lit up.      

    “My favourite!” she exclaimed, and he laughed. “Are you sure that’s the one you want to watch?” she asked, and he nodded.      

    “I don’t care what we watch, as long as I’m with you this night will be special.” he said, and she leaned up and gave him a peck on the lips. Jughead set the movie up, and it started rolling.    

    “Well then, shall we?” she asked, holding out her hand.      

    “We shall.” he said, taking it. They exited the small shack and Jughead turned to close the door.      

    “You do realize I’m being serious about you living with me.” Y/N said, walking back towards their spot. Jughead watched her as she walked backwards, smiling at him. Sure he was heartbroken about this being the last night he had at the Drive In, but this night still was a good one. He may be loosing one important part of his life, but he gained another, and he felt like Y/N was going to make it all okay. For once in a long time, he felt happy, truly happy.      

    “I never doubted it.” he called, jogging to catch up with her. She plopped down on the blanket and Jughead sat beside her, wrapping his arm around her. She snuggled into his side, and they sat there in silence, enjoying the last night there in eachothers company.


Tag List:

@do-not-call-me-sunshine @gelattoes @xbobaaa @katshrev @farmfreshcoldsprouts @sgarrett49 @always-chocolate @nadya0128 @spooky-brendons-butt @rainbows-and-glitter-bitch

klavier doodle for a friend of mine!

sorry for not posting that often, but finals are over and I’ll have some stuff to post soon :9 and!! the upcoming school year is going to be full of big projects so I’m pretty excited to post the process stuff once I get into it so please look forward to that!

AHHH! thank you for over 9,000+ followers!! im so grateful and cant believe it adjfhalf. ;0;

soo WHAT WOULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE THAN A CERTAIN PRINCE FOR THIS SPECIAL OCCASION? ive been messing around with digital painting and more ‘realistic?’ stuff? so here’s a little experimental something i did for funsies to celebrate! disclaimer: i dont know how to paint digitally in the slightest i dont know what im doing at all lol but regardless- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR FOLLOWING ME! AKFDA it means so much!! >0<

anonymous asked:

reaction to the boys finding out ur pregnant!! love your writings

Aww thank you so much!! And thanks for this request too haha. I’m gonna assume that the boys and you were trying to get pregnant, because I feel like writing some fluffy shiz right now… I hope you like it :)


BTS Reaction to their s/o telling them they’re pregnant

Jin:
Seokjin would start to tear up at the news and would immediately go to you, pulling you in for a tight hug. His hand would unconsciously go to your stomach and he’d simply hold you, crying and laughing at the same time.

“I’m gonna be a parent. Again.”

Originally posted by jminies

Suga:
Yoongi would stare at you for a second, completely shocked, but then he’d break down, reaching for your hand and gripping it tightly as the tears flow. It would be one of those rare moments where he would cry as if he couldn’t even control it, but he’d just be so damn happy that he wouldn’t even care.

“Finally, a child I can teach to become a swag master.”

Originally posted by shittyoongi

J-Hope:
Hoseok wouldn’t believe you at first. He’d be in absolute disbelief as if it was impossible that he had actually impregnated you with a tiny being. But when he finally took it in he would freak out, and the two of you could jump around in excitement together, happy tears streaming down both of your faces.

“I’M GOING TO CALL IT HOBI JUNIOR AND I WILL RAISE IT TO BECOME AN ANGEL JUST LIKE ITS DAD.”

Originally posted by myloveseokjin

Rap Monster:
Namjoon might have to lean against the wall or something to stop himself from falling over from the shock of it. He’d be over the moon about it, of course, but it would bring a lot of worries to the surface for him since he would want to be the best father ever for this child he would call his own.

“This is really happening? Oh god.”

Originally posted by ultranicolet

Jimin:
Having a baby that is his own son or daughter would be a dream come true for Chim, so when you would finally break the news to him he would be absolutely amazed. He wouldn’t be at all ashamed of all the tears he would shed - he’d simply try to enjoy this incredible moment with you.

“A person smaller than I am? Finally.”

Originally posted by cookimiki

V:
Taehyung would light up as soon as you tell him, asking over and over if you were serious. He’d ask for confirmation all the time just to make sure it wasn’t a joke. Just to make sure he really was going to be a dad. He’d be so excited for this and would probably ask you heaps of questions, like what you’ll think it’ll look like etc.

“There’s really gonna be a little “us” running around?” *amazed*

Originally posted by bangtan-feels

Jungkook:
When you first broke the news Kook would just be extremely shook, staring at you as if he couldn’t even understand the words you were saying. But soon enough a wide grin would break on his face and would practically run over to you, picking you up and spinning you around in his crazy excitement.

“There is an actual fetus inside of you!! Not me - an actual fetus.”

Originally posted by cleolux

REQUEST BOX ALWAYS OPEN

Business or Pleasure? (Seungcheol x Female Reader)

Order up! for @jicheolftw

Request: Hospital setting. You’re a cardiac surgeon, and Seungcheol is the new nurse on your floor.

Smut; Exhibitionism; Kinda Dirty Talk?

Word Count: 5104

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO THIS READER SHE IS MY FIRST EVER REQUEST ON HERE AND THAT’S REALLY AWESOME. I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKE IT <3



“You’re drooling.”

           You startle and drop your pen. It falls with a clack onto your clipboard before rolling off the counter towards the LPN sitting at his desk in front of you. Jeonghan picks it up and hands it back.

           You take it, suppressing a blush. “No I’m not.”

           “Practically,” he says, tucking his bangs back. “I bet he can feel you staring.”

           You glance over at the object of your gaze again. Choi Seungcheol, the new nurse on your floor, is busy at the medicine cart, picking through bottles for whatever another doctor asked for. When he bends down to look on the second shelf, his black scrubs stretch taut over his broad shoulders and show the faint outlines of well-toned muscles. Though he’s been working here for almost a month now, you’ve barely talked to him save for a quick Patient in room forty-two is due for an IV change, or Watch room twelve on his oxy intake. Work stuff. Medical stuff. Very unsexy stuff. And always followed by a deep Yes, Doctor. You don’t like to admit to yourself what that voice makes you feel under your skin.

           And Jeonghan has been giving you hell about it ever since Seungcheol introduced himself on his first day.

Keep reading

Ride With Me (Part 10)

PAIRING: readerxbuckybarnes au

WORD COUNT: 2,6K

WARNINGS: swearing, SMUT (basically oral)  

*As (Y/N) tries to make sense of this new formed relationship with Bucky the last thing she needs is a visit from his ex girlfriend. 

Previous Chapter 

GIFS NOT MINE 

Originally posted by pxggycxrters

Originally posted by begavet

The bight warm light blinded you slightly was the first thing your mind registered as you woke, lying on your front hugging your pillow your ears pricked up at the sound of a low moan. Turning your head you smiled at the sight before you, Bucky was lay on his back. His left arm was thrown above his head. His dark hair was stern across your dark grey pillow; the bed sheets were barley covering his naked hips. The dark trail of hair teased you as to what was being covered. Not like you didn’t get an eye full last night.

“Morning darlin” you felt you heart and core flutter at the sound of his gruff morning voice.  You smiled as you shifted your body towards him, resting your head on your arms as you gazed up at him. Smiling lazily.

“Good Morning”

“Last night was… pretty great” Bucky grinned as his right hand drew patterns on your bare back.

“Which time?” you giggled, when you both came back from the fire escape sleep was the last thing on your minds.

Keep reading

Personal Accounts: Meltdowns

Hi! We’re starting a new series of posts that will be called “personal accounts”. It’s pretty much what it says on the tin: real-life experiences from autistic people, concerning some particular autistic traits and how it affects the person’s life. The aim of this series is to underline the variety of autistic experiences, and to give writers some ideas on ways autistic individuals can experience life. 

Mod Cat and Mod Aira will share their experiences, but we’re only two people, and can’t possibly reflect the variety of points of view which exist among autistic people. This is why we will be taking submissions from autistic people. If you are autistic and you would like to share your experience with us, you can submit it, this would be greatly appreciated! For now, we’ll begin with the theme of meltdowns.

Here is Mod Aira’s experience with them:

In our recent masterpost, we explained some of the causes of meltdowns, what happens during one, and how a character can make one better or worse. But we think it could also be useful to writers to get a firsthand, subjective account of what one actually feels like. I (Mod Aira) don’t often get shutdowns, but boy howdy do I get meltdowns. In my case, they are most often caused by sensory overload, as I am extremely hypersensitive and due to the nature of my job and the place where I live, I’m unable to shelter myself from overload. I normally know well in advance when one of these sensory overload meltdowns is coming, and when possible, I remove myself from the situation to avoid having the meltdown happen. Sometimes it’s not possible, and I wind up actually melting down around once a week or so, on average.

I also get meltdowns at times from emotional overload and stress. These are generally very sudden and unexpected, usually in response to a sudden rush of frustration over something I try and fail to do, often something I didn’t realize was upsetting me until too late (alexithymia is fun). They also tend to pass very quickly, because normally all I need to do to calm back down is stop doing the thing I was trying and failing to do, saving it for another day when I’m calmer.

Since sensory overload meltdowns are more common for me (and more interesting, I think), I’ll describe one of those. This will be long, as I want to describe the full buildup as well as the meltdown itself, because we’ve had a few people ask about that.

It’s been a long day at work. I’m a teacher. Third grade. I love my job. I love my kids. But they never stop shouting. After four hours straight of being screamed at without the option of putting on ear protectors or leaving the room, my ears are throbbing. It feels like someone has boxed my ears. My tinnitus is worse than usual, too: a loud ringing sound that hasn’t stopped for four years. That just adds to the pain.

So class is over, the kids are gone, and it’s time for me to put away my things and head home. I grab my basket and head to the English teachers’ room to put my things away and put my shoes on. All the other teachers are already there. The room is tiny. I try to weave between people to get my basket on the shelf, but everyone keeps bumping me, following up with an “Oops, sorry!” accompanied by what feels to me like aggressive eye contact and putting their face really close to mine. I’m getting super fidgety. I don’t want to be touched right now. My body is on high alert, even more sensitive than usual due to the overload I feel, and every touch hurts. Eyes staring at me hurts. Faces close to me (so I can smell their disgusting, harsh perfume and hair products) hurts.

Worse still, they’re all talking. The voices all meld together to form a cacophony of voices. I swear they’re getting louder with every second. That might be true, or it might be my perception, my senses getting ever more acute as the pain increases.

Someone touches me deliberately. They’ve been talking to me. They’re annoyed that I’ve been “ignoring” them. Sorry, coworker. I can’t hear your voice right now. It’s mixed up with all the others in the room. I make an excuse, say I need to run, suggest they send me this in an email and I’ll get back to them in the evening.

Shoes on. Jacket on. Out the door as quickly as I can without tripping over the students in the hallway.

Down the street to the tram stop. It’s freezing outside. The cold feels like a million knives digging straight into my skin wherever it’s exposed. I want to cry. I rush to the tram stop. I can’t really rock back and forth here, in public and right next to the school, so I bounce up and down and walk back and forth, trying to disguise my stimming as just trying to stay warm.

So far, this is all business as usual. A typical end of the work day. If I can just hang in there until I get home, I’ll be okay. Then I can veg out for a few hours watching videos or playing Minecraft. But today, I am not so lucky. Today I have to buy food on the way home, both for me and for the cat. The cat has no food at all, so even if I’m willing to starve, I have to stop at the store and get something for him.

I get a seat on the tram, since my stop is near the start of the line. It’s a 25-minute ride to the stop where the supermarket is. The tram is hell. Every person has a smell. Perfumes which burn my nose, cigarette smoke, food smells which nauseate me. It’s winter, so there’s even a homeless person in the same car with me, trying to stay warm. I empathize with him, just trying to survive, what choice does he have, but the smell is so nauseating that I have to hide my face inside my jacket. There are teenagers talking in loud voices which hurt my ears. Someone is listening to music through ear buds and I can hear it. More pain.

Every time the tram stops to let people on, the doors open and the cold rushes in. It burns my skin. And then, worst of all, just before the doors close, an alarm shrieks to warn people to stay out of the way. It’s the loudest sound in the universe. It sounds like a train whistle, it sounds like a thousand harmonicas being blown into at once. It hurts so much.

A light in the ceiling is flickering. It hurts. I have to squeeze my eyes shut. My face is buried in my jacket. My ears hurt so much… My ear protectors are in my bag, buried under other things. I can’t bring myself to come out of my turtle position to try to find them. I could stick my fingers in my ears, but then everyone would think I was crazy. I feel like my brain is going to explode. I feel like I can’t breathe. If I can just hold out a little bit longer…

At least, the tram arrives at the supermarket. I practically jump off, taking deep, gasping breaths, trying to get the panic to subside. The cold hits me, slaps me, more pain. The supermarket door is just a few steps away, but I hesitate. The supermarket is worse than the tram. I review my mental map of the store and my mental list of things I absolutely need to buy right now. The cat food is there. The bread is there. The yogurt is there. The vegetables… Do I really have to buy vegetables today? I can survive without them. Deep breath… GO!

The supermarket is crowded. The lights are so bright I think they’re trying to pierce through my eyes into my brain. The whole place is chaos, a mess of bright colors, lights, movement, and sounds. And people. People everywhere pushing and shoving their way past each other. Nope, no way am I bothering with vegetables today.

I make a beeline for the yogurt, then grab the bread. Several people bump and shove me. The aisles are extremely narrow. Frantically, I try to remember what else I needed. I’m stood still in the middle of the supermarket, so overloaded that I can’t remember, I can’t remember what I need, I can’t remember where I was going, all I am aware of is pain and the fact that I’m in everyone’s way.

Cat food! Thank goodness, I remembered. Sometimes, I don’t. Sometimes I have to go back out after I go home. I rush over, grab a bag, get in line. The cashiers are always very slow. Deep breaths. Slow breaths. It will be over soon. Finally! Throw the items in my backpack, pay the cashier, mumble a polite greeting, and rush for the door. The homeless woman is there, as always, trying to sell magazines. I hate myself for not having the energy to look her in the eye and smile and at least have the decency to apologize for not buying a magazine today. I can’t do it. Not happening. Rush back to the tram stop.

Now my senses are completely and utterly overloaded. I’m not even sure if I’m going to make it home. I’ll satisfy myself with being able to hold in my tears until I’m out of sight. My fingers are in my ears now. I’m rocking back and forth. There’s no point in trying to appear normal now. It hurts so much. Pain. All I know is pain.

No seats on the tram. Stand, hold on to the bar, rock back and forth, bounce up and down, one finger in one ear, the other is assaulted by the door-closing sound, face is buried in jacket. I want to run away. I want to hide. There is nowhere to run, no way to hide, not here. Two more stops.

Jump out into the cold. I have to get home. I have to get home NOW. I realize tears are leaking out of my eyes and down my face as the cold tries to freeze them. I wish I could run home, but my feet hurt with every step. Everything hurts. I have only one thought now. Home. Home. HOME. Home NOW. Have to get HOME.

I walk as fast as I can, every step sending waves of pain up through my feet, up my legs, through my whole body. Smells of dog poo and human urine and whiffs of perfume and restaurant cooking smells all attack my nose at once, sounds of voices and dogs barking and cars and trams and doors slamming and footsteps, my clothes are rubbing against my skin, my backpack is too heavy, the straps digging into my shoulders, the cold on my face, everything is PAIN. Home, home, home, home, HOME!

After the three-minute walk to my building (which feels like a million years), I reach the front door. Have to open the door. Keys. Keys are in my pocket. Digging, fumbling, it hurts more with every second, I’m not going to make it. I’m not going to make it home, it’s going to happen right here on the street, I want to go home! Hands shaking, fumbling, unable to grip the key properly, it takes four tries to get it in the lock and turn it. The door is so heavy, the door has tripled in weight since this morning, it takes all my strength to get it open. Nearly there. Up two flights of stairs, the weight of my backpack dragging me down, the other key, no the OTHER key, stupid fingers, they’re not listening anymore, they’re not working anymore, it takes five tries this time to get the key in, it won’t turn! It’s stuck again! Tears running down my face, I’m making some kind of animal noise now, I can hear it, it must be coming from me, surely everyone in the building can hear it. Finally, the door is open, I’m inside, I’m home.

I manage to get my backpack off somehow, jacket zipper won’t come off, finally throw the jacket down, the shoes, oh jesus get these horrible things off of me, I’m sobbing now, please make it stop, make the pain stop, get them off, please, my fingers don’t know how to untie shoelaces anymore, they can’t do it, somehow, finally, they are off, I’m on the floor, the pain is still not stopping, but there’s no one here but the cat, looking at me with a worried cat face (mostly worried that he won’t be getting his dinner yet), not approaching me. What are these noises? Yes, I’m making them, I can feel it in my throat, my face is wet with tears and my vision is blurry, that’s fine, I don’t want to see anymore. I’m home, but I’m still not safe, the pain still hasn’t stopped, I have to get away from the pain. The pain is hunting me, it won’t leave me alone, I have to escape somehow. I’m crawling under the table where the cat normally hides, I am writhing and thrashing, I bang my head on the floor, it hurts.

How long does this last? A million years, a couple of minutes, I’m not sure. Finally, the panic is subsiding. The threat has passed. It still hurts, but the pain is receding. I’m home. I’m safe under the table. The cat is poking his head under the table cloth, checking in on me. I beckon him over and he curls up with me, glad of the warmth. He purrs. I stroke his soft fur. I am still crying. I will be crying for a while. My head hurts, a different kind of pain now, the pain from slamming it on the floor. I have a lump there, again. That’s okay. That kind of pain is easy to deal with. Pain from injuries is nothing at all. Most people do not even know what pain means.

My ears are still ringing. They will never stop until the day I die, say the doctors. They will only get worse. Now is not the time to think about that.

Curled up with the cat under the table, I fall asleep for a minute or two, exhausted. I start to come back to my senses. I realize I only bought yogurt and bread for myself. What am I going to have for dinner? I can’t go back out to buy anything else. It’ll have to be some frozen or instant meal again. Again. I think back to all the people who told me how “high functioning” I was, to the person who said “you’re not autistic, you’re just on the spectrum,” I wish those idiots could see me now, I can’t even feed myself. I’m angry at the world for making me suffer like this, for forcing me to constantly behave in a way that does not come naturally for me, to expend energy putting up with their nonsense and accommodating their needs. I’m angry at myself for being unable to manage a simple trip to the supermarket. I’m embarrassed. I’m disappointed.

And I’m also proud. I made it all the way home before melting down. And meltdowns or no, I do my job, and I’m good at it. I live alone, and somehow I always manage. And I remembered to buy the cat’s food! Come on, buddy, you’ve taken good care of me, I’ll give you your dinner. Meow!“

8

countdown to season 12B: day 49 of 49

12x08 “Lotus” + moments 

it’s official:  the hellatus is over!