one of my favorite things to do for my own amusement is to try to emulate the speech patterns of Reggie Fils-Aime because his way of speaking is so peculiar
he always enunciates very clearly, his choice of words is always really simple so that even children can understand what he’s talking about, he sprinkles his speech with carefully selected marketing jargon, and he uses contractions to seem like he’s trying to be casual
let’s say that you get caught cheating in Splatoon 2 and Reggie comes to your house to destroy your console with a baseball bat. he knocks at the door, you answer, and he says:
“Hello there. With the release of our latest game in the Splatoon series, Splatoon 2, we here at Nintendo have been incredibly pleased with the amount of fun our players have been having. It seems, though, that some players have been having more fun than others. Please, step out of the way.”
Reggie readies his baseball bat and walks past you, shoving you of of the way with his body while maintaining perfect posture.
“I’m going to demonstrate to you the innovating new punitive measures we at Nintendo have come up with to ensure a safe, fun, friendly environment of play. You deserve this.”
Reggie sends his baseball bat crashing through your Nintendo switch, shattering the screen and sending it flying across the room. The whole while, Reggie never breaks eye contact with you and he never stops smiling.
The baseball bat flies through your television next, knocking it to the floor. Reggie steps on top of it, turns around to face you, and continues:
“Thank you for your loyal support of Nintendo’s family of products. We hope this experience has been valuable to you.”
Reggie Fils-Aime was born in 1961 in New York City, New York. An able-bodied baby from the start, Reggie’s first words were “My name is Reggie I’m about kicking ass and taking names.” He proceeded to deliver on that promise with both of his parents.
In 1977, Reggie decided to move to the 1940’s and joined up with Archie Andrews and his ragtag group of pals. Here’s some photographic evidence.
Unable to put up with Archie’s behind-the-times ideas about malt shops and The Charleston Dance, Reggie reverted himself back into his own timeline.
In 1993, Reggie was employed by Pizza Hut. There he managed to convince them for the first time in 35 years, to start selling pizzas. This tactic worked so well for Pizza Hut they decided to start building menus around pizzas instead of menus around nothing.
After single handedly saving the US Pizza market, a strapping young man named Satoru Iwata adopted Reggie into the Nintendo family, where he works to this day under the official title of “Super President.” A job title with such benefits as being able to party 24/7, early access to top secret Nintendo products, and a desk that hovers.
Reggie plans to make an appearance during the week of E3 2013 to announce a video games.
reggie fils-aime walks on stage and clears his throat into the microphone for approximately 10 seconds. the audience sits quietly at the edge of their seats, sweat beading off their foreheads eagerly but patiently waiting for the nintendo man to use his words. the silence is broken when reggie looks up from writing on his hand, smiles charismatically, and says; “super monkey ball 2. for nintendo switch virtual console.” nothing more, and nothing less. the audience absolutely loses it. as they applaud and clamor, crying tears of absolute joy, reggie waves good-bye, stepping into a limousine which would shuttle him off-site to go play pretend in the empty back of a walmart parking-lot with his best friends - miyamoto, bill trinen, and their favorite amiibo figures.