Next year in 8-parts; HBO, BBC One, and Happy Valley’s Sally Wainwright will start filming a show based on “the first modern lesbian” aka Anne Lister. Based on her lifelong (all 4 million words of it) diary in which she wrote about dating, falling in love with women and actually marrying one!
Lister, not only a landowner in the 19th-century when women were little more than property, but was an avid traveler, and outdoors person who enjoyed wearing masculine clothes. She was a learned scholar with practical know how for business. Basically, I could not be more excited for this show to air!
A list of gay serial killer recs for people going through Hannibal withdrawal
MY MOMENT HAS COME, at last I can unleash my gay serial killer fandom upon the world without it being (overly) creepy.
I should not have to tell you that a) none of these are Hannibal, because nothing is Hannibal, but b) Hannibal’s narrative is built on several of these narratives and their tropes of pairing the serial killer with a conflicted doppelganger who bonds with him in some way.
Hitchcock’s Strangers on a Train. The single #1 best example of this, and the one that comes closest to giving us Murder Husbands. Based on a novella by the one and only Patricia Highsmith. This film is one of my most favorite films ever and you should watch it a million times and glory in all Hitch’s parallelism and use of shadows and doubles to signify the way Guy and Bruno are soulmates in love. ALSO I’ve always thought Will bore a striking resemblance to Farley Granger in this film.
Cure.This is the Japanese film by Kurosawa (the director of Kairo/Pulse). This film is gripping, subtextual, implicit, and IMO the most satisfying example of the films on this list. WATCH THIS FILM IT IS SO GOOD. (Also it’s on Hulu.)
The Talented Mr. Ripley, based on another novel by Patricia Highsmith, who is probably reading the Hannigram tag on Tumblr from heaven and drinking heavily while weeping
Death Note. I would recommend watching the first season of the anime (you can stop after that) bc the anime knows which side its bread is buttered on, and that side is Light x L. If you read the (gorgeous) manga, you’ll know when to stop. (This is blasphemy to some DN fans who love the characters we meet after the Yoruba arc but I am not one of them and L x Light is all that sustained me. UNTIL NOW.)
Cruising. Oh, friends, let me tell you about Cruising. It is directed by William Friedkin, he of The Exorcist and The French Connection, and it is a story about Al Pacino going undercover as a detective in the gay scene community of early 80s New York, where he visits bathhouses, participates in the hanky code, practices BDSM, and does poppers at gay clubs, ALL IN PURSUIT of catching a serial killer. It is an incredibly fascinating film that caused major boycotts and accusations of homophobia when it was released (in i think 1983?) and it was basically banned for over a decade as a result, at which point people kind of went “oh wow this is actually a great film.” It’s simultaneously a surprisingly sympathetic look at the gay community, filmed just before the AIDS epidemic and the end of bathhouse culture, and an incredibly homophobic one. OR IS IT? Al Pacino might be in the closet? He might be something else altogether? There are so many questions and mysteries and it’s such a good film and I love it. ALSO PACINO AS AN UNDERCOVER GAY BDSM PRACTITONER IN A WIFE BEATER HIGH ON POPPERS:
Rope.This is the only film on this list fandom ever seems to know/care about which I’ve always thought is a shame, because IMO it’s one of Hitchcock’s weakest films. But it does feature Farley Granger again, and it is based on the real story of gay serial killers Leopold and Loeb, so it’s dripping with a ton of rather wry subtext. But it would be a shame if you only watched Rope and not Strangers on a Train. Basically, if you’re looking for a vibe of ‘innocent man ensnared by a killer who fascinates him in ways he can’t seem to say no to, who’s gradually tempted to give into the bond between them,’ then you want Strangers on a Train or Cure. If you want ‘two potential sociopaths who aren’t sure whether they love or hate one another,’ then you want Rope or Talented Mr. Ripley. :)
The Watcher. This movie is hilarious because it is pretty clearly written by someone who wanted to write the most homoerotic movie ever written, but then it was given to actors who were clearly like UM WTF IS THIS, haha, so you have Keanu Reeves (as the serial killer) breathily telling James Spader he wants them to be together and James Spader going through the movie making horrified faces of revulsion, so the whole thing comes off as purely homophobic in this way that is KIND OF A HILARIOUS MUST-WACH??? Look YMMV vary but knowing where we come from only makes us appreciate Hannibal more.
Poppy Z. Brite. You probably already know about Poppy Z Brite, but if you don’t, her entire writing career is basically a trajectory heading towards Exquisite Corpse, which isis a novel about two cannibalistic necro-loving gay serial killers in love, natch. Her novel Lost Souls, written when she was 19 and in the heyday of every teen’s vampire-loving goth fever dream, features two dudes who have an intensely homoerotic friendship and two more dudes who are incestuous gay vampires, so, you know, maybe take a look at that. (There’s also a connection with a later novel, Drawing Blood, which features explicitly queer characters and a bunch of other murdery supernatural-ish stuff.) Last night kirstenthompson said to me Hannibal was the closest thing we could get to Bryan Fuller adapting Poppy Z Brite and I’m inclined to agree, haha.
Summary: Spending Christmas Eve with your boyfriend and the other Avengers is the perfect way to spend the holiday.
Prompt: Per tradition, you and your s/o get to open one gift of your choice on Christmas Eve.
A/N: This is for Sam’s Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree Writing Challenge, hosted by @lovelynemesis! And a huge shout out to @mindingmyownbusiness for all her help, I couldn’t have done this without her. This is my second fanfic, so constructive criticism is welcomed. Please let me know what you think. If this goes well, I plan to write more, possibly soon. Tags for my third and fourth fics, both unnamed Bucky x Reader fics, are open! Details below current tags!
Relaxing on the couch watching Christmas movies with your boyfriend was the perfect way to spend the day before Christmas in your opinion. There was absolutely no place you’d rather be than wrapped in his arms, covered in a fluffy blanket. You snuggled closer to him as he traced random patterns on your arm absentmindedly. Steve would be the first to admit how head over heels in love he was with you, and he had been since he ran into you- quite literally.
You’d met one snowy February day in New York. You had been going home, wrapped in a big coat and scarf as you walked briskly, your mind reeling with your wild day at work. You had stopped paying attention to the bustling crowd around you almost as soon as you left the office building. Suddenly, you collided with a large solid mass. Stumbling back on the snowy ground, you nearly fell until quick arms caught you. Biting back a snarky remark, as it was at least partially your fault, you looked up into the most beautiful blue eyes you’d ever seen. When you heard his velvet voice apologizing and asking if you were okay, you knew you were screwed.
That was almost 3 years ago now. Your love had blossomed quickly but sweetly. Steve had asked you on the first date that day, but nothing was official for one more week, on Valentine’s Day. You always complained it should’ve been the day before or after. Sure it was easy to remember, but doing anything special was always hard because of all the other couples celebrating the holiday. Didn’t they understand it was more important to the two of you?
“That was a good one. What next?” Steve unknowingly interrupted your thoughts. You’d made a little tradition with him to watch a few Christmas movies together on Christmas Eve so he could catch up on the holiday films. Debating what movie you should watch next, you absentmindedly chewed your lip.
“Did we watch Home Alone yet?” you turned to him as you questioned him, not sure if you’d watched any of the Home Alone movies with him.
“I don’t think so.” he said nonchalantly. “So Home Alone?”
You nodded your response, and searched for the movie on demand. Steve looked at his phone when it went off as you put the movie on. He took the time before it started to check it.
“Did you want to go to that Christmas party tonight? Nat’s asking if you’re joining us.”
“Sure, sounds fun. It’s always a good time watching Thor try to understand holiday traditions,” you replied. You didn’t notice Steve start to get lost in thought as the movie started. He’d had a plan for this evening, but he couldn’t tell you that just yet. He quickly decided it could be done at the annual Avengers Christmas Eve get-together. It wouldn’t be one of Tony’s parties, this would be just team members and any loved ones they invited. Typically, it ended up being just the team, joined by Pepper and yourself. For some of them, the rest of the team was the closest to family they had.
Steve replied to the text quickly and tried his best to pay attention to the movie and not to let his nerves get the best of him. The movie did little to distract him, though. He cuddled closer to you, hoping that might help. You returned his cuddling, leaning into his touch. He couldn’t have held back the responding smile if he tried.
That evening, you looked yourself over one last time in the bathroom mirror. You were clothed in a cute red dress that hugged you just right in all the right places and black pumps. You had a black coat to wear until you reached the compound as well. Your makeup wasn’t too much, but complimented all your features perfectly. You’d even gone so far as to put your (h/c) in a messy but cute bun with a few strands hanging around your face perfectly. It might’ve been too much for a get together of just Avengers and a couple of their loved ones, but it was one of the few parties the entire team was always present for and everyone took the chance to dress up.
“Hey (Y/N), wanna go ahead and take our two presents with us? It’s bound to be a late night,” Steve called from the bedroom. Every Christmas Eve, you each picked out one gift for the other to open that night.
“Sure! Can you get them? Get the one with snowman wrapping paper for yours please,” you replied. You knew you should let that one wait for tomorrow, as you were confident it was the best thing you had for him, but you couldn’t wait to see his reaction when he saw it.
Steve went to the pile of presents by the cute Christmas tree you’d insisted on putting up and decorating together every year. He found the gift he’d been instructed to get, and briefly wondered what it was. He shrugged the thought off as he grabbed the small wrapped box that would be your present for tonight. He hoped with everything he had that you’d love it. He’d put everyone else’s gifts that you’d be taking tonight in the car already.
“Ready to go?”
Turning at the sound of your voice, Steve couldn’t help but smile at the sight of you.
“You look beautiful,” he projected his thoughts.
“You don’t look half bad yourself, Captain,” you shot back with a smile. Steve really did look nice; he wore a red dress shirt and red and green tie, with the pants, coat, and shoes being black. It wasn’t a tuxedo, but it was a very nice suit, and he wore it well. With the coat off, you could see his muscles straining the fabric of the shirt when he reached for anything. It was a constant distraction for you.
Walking into the room where the team had gathered, you were greeted instantly by a tight hug from Natasha.
“(Y/N)!” she squealed excitedly. You had become fast friends not long after you’d started seeing Steve. Wanda completed your trio, and the two Avengers were glad for another female to hang out with. Regrettably, lately your conflicting holiday schedules had kept you apart.
“Nat!” you squealed as you returned her hug.
“Where’s Wanda?” you asked, curious as to where the third part of your group was.
“She’s just finishing getting ready, she’ll be here soon,” Nat replied.
You walked into the room with her, Steve trailing in behind you with a smile as the two of you began catching up. He didn’t mind your attention not being on him, in fact he was happy you got along so well with Nat and Wanda. He went and put the gifts under the tree. Spotting Bucky sitting alone sipping a drink, he made his way towards his old friend while you and Natasha got drinks and talked.
“Hey punk,” Bucky greeted him as he sat down.
“Hey,” Steve’s reply was a bit shaky. To say he was nervous was an understatement, and Bucky immediately took note of it.
“Still doing it tonight?” he asked nonchalantly. Steve just nodded in response.
“Don’t worry pal,” Bucky attempted to calm his friend, gently clapping a hand on his shoulder.
Meanwhile, you nearly ran to greet Wanda as she entered the room. She seemed dazed for a moment looking towards Steve and Bucky, but quickly recovered and greeted you with her usual enthusiasm.
“Everything alright?” you asked, wanting to make sure of your friend’s well being.
“Everything’s perfect,” she said with a smile. “It’s been weeks since we saw you last!”
“I know, I’m sorry. Work’s been crazy,” you apologized.
“You’re here now, and that’s the important part,” she stated simply. She was right, you were here with your closest friends and you boyfriend on Christmas Eve. Until you met Steve, you’d spent Christmases alone, having no family to go visit for the holidays. There was nowhere else you’d rather be.
“Alright, now that everyone’s here, let’s get to the dining room and dig in!” Tony interrupted, and everyone slowly made their way to the table. Tony sat between Pepper and Bruce. On the other side of Pepper were Vision, Wanda, and Nat, followed by Clint, Sam, Bucky, Steve, yourself, and finally Thor, seated on the other side of Bruce. Everyone was chatting as they ate, some talking animatedly, some more quiet. Others, specifically Vision, did more observing. Thor asked new questions about the holiday. Clint and Sam were joking around. Even Bucky was making the occasional contribution to the conversation. Everyone was happy and smiling, enjoying the company of their little family. Eventually, Tony stood and made his next announcement.
“Alright, calm down children. If we’re all done eating, let’s make our way to the tree for exchanging gifts.”
Everyone made their way to the couches surrounding the lavishly decorated tree. You’d made sure to get gifts for everyone, even getting something for Vision.
Everyone opened their gifts one at a time, as everyone wanted to see what everyone else had gotten. The surprised faces of those who hadn’t expected to get very much was the best part thus far. Sam and Clint had mostly given gag gifts. Nat, Wanda, and Tony had worked together to get the best gifts they could for everyone, the girls finding out what everyone wanted and Tony getting the best version. Pepper had gone practical, while Thor had brought Asgardian ale. Bruce had given everyone small inventions to help day to day life. Bucky and Vision weren’t sure what to give everyone, so Vis had given everyone sweaters and Bucky went with various chocolates and candies.
You were next to hand out presents, and you’d carefully selected a present for everyone with Steve; no two gifts being the same. When you got to Steve’s, you held your breath. You’d asked Tony for help with this one. He’d been a huge help with the research portion. You didn’t want to ask Bucky and possibly trigger bad memories, if he could remember the stuff at all.
Steve almost couldn’t believe what he saw as he carefully unwrapped the gift. On the cover of a scrapbook was a picture of him in his uniform from the war, surrounded by the Howling Commandos, including Bucky. Opening it up, he flipped through a few pages. They were filled with pictures and articles about the Howlies. Some pages were stories about missions they’d gone on. Some pages were about individual members of the team, everyone getting at least one page. Bucky and Steve had the most in their portions.
Turning to look at you, your soldier had a huge smile on his face.
“Thank you,” he said earnestly. “This is amazing.”
It was a rare occurrence for the super soldier to be at a loss for words; he almost always knew what to say. But at the moment, he couldn’t form another sentence to tell you how much he loved the gift. Thankfully, he’d practiced the part that came next.
He handed you your gift after everyone else had opened theirs.
“Best for last,” he smiled as he placed the small wrapped gift in your hands. You focused completely on unwrapping what had correctly guessed was a jewelry box. Maybe it was that pretty bracelet you’d seen…
Your thoughts were interrupted by your own gasp as you opened the box to find the most beautiful ring you’d ever seen. You looked at Steve to find him on one knee in front of you.
“(Y/N), you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I didn’t think it was possible back then, but I fell in love with you the moment I bumped into you two years, nine months, and eighteen days ago. I can’t get over the things you do. Your laugh, your smile, the way you stick out your tongue just a little when you’re concentrating… Everything you do brightens up my day. I want that for the rest of my life. So will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?”
You didn’t notice, but Wanda was smiling as she took pictures through the whole thing, while Nat recorded. She’d accidentally heard Steve’s loud thoughts, though she tried not to do that anymore. And of course she had to tell the third amigo so someone could capture the moment in a video.
As tears of joy streamed down your smiling face, you had to take a moment to figure out how to function again.
“Yes,” your voice quaked with emotion. What little bit of control you had over your emotions soon dissipated when Steve put the ring on your finger.
You could hardly hear the rest of the group cheering as his lips met yours in a sweet and overexcited celebration.
Basic Plot: Anne Elliot, a woman who seems destined to remain a maid after being persuaded to forgo a marriage to a status-less man, encounters him once more after eight years of bitter separation; is there any chance of love kindled all these years later?
Important Info: this film is based off Jane Austen’s classic novel. It has many adaptions to its name; however, this one is the original and stays truest to its source material
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 84%
ecampbellsoup Score: 4/5
The English landscape spans from countryside to sea and all in between. It is lovely to experience.
The cinematographer, John Daly, and director, Roger Mitchell, do an exquisite job of highlighting small gestures and “insignificant” moments that translate to paramount importance in this world of romance: everything is woven together in this lover’s tale.
The script is sharp and witty as it is anchored in Austen’s unparalleled way of expression, and offers much romance yet still much comedic relief.
The film remains extremely faithful to the novel which is quite stunning in this case. Although some of the language is difficult to grasp due to the difference in vernacular, the intentionality still comes across due to the solid performances from the actors.
MY FAVORITE LINE:
“You pierce my soul”
WHY DID IT MAKE THE LIST:
Amanda Root is brilliant as Anne Elliot. All of the subtiles, insecurities, questions are on full display in the smallest frown or the crease of a brow. She is vulnerable and believable with every artistic choice.
Likewise, Ciarán Hines perfectly encapsulates Captain Wentworth. There are moments where a mere gaze pierced through the screen. His interactions with his co-star drip of sincerity. They are both even more so mesmerizing to watch together.
The only reason I am not giving it a 5/5 is that the pacing does drag a wee bit towards the middle. However, otherwise, it is truthfully an incredible film.
WHY SHOULD YOU WATCH IT:
Although this is one of Austen’s lesser known or praised stories, it is truly one of the loveliest. It breathes of the longing of two lovers separated. It is perfected by the perseverance of passionate pursuit. This long lost lovers tale does not fail to satisfy with its beautiful lyricism and triumphant burst of communion.
One of the truly stunning beauties of the world of 1800s is the severity of one touch: the slightest movement held potent meaning. It is engrossing to watch and equally tantalizing to experience as a viewer.
My main problem with the G-Club, as a podcast, is that it’s a little too focused on specific topics, which I feel makes it a little bit hard for people to access if they’re not already knowledgeable about the topic.
For example, recently they posted an episode about Shin Godzilla with Dan and Arin. I thought “hey, great! a podcast with my two favourite internet boys talking about a neat film” except the problem is that immediately, within the first 5 minutes, they said that if you’ve not seen the film you should go watch it first, then come back and listen to the podcast. Now I do agree, this is pretty logical, they just don’t want to ruin it for people, and that’s completely fair.
The big problem here though is that most of the episodes of the G-Club are like this.
They’ve done episodes on Baby Driver, Spiderman Homecoming, Metal Gear, ARMS, Splatoon 2, Game of Thrones, and a load of other stuff, that unless you’ve already seen the movies/played the games, kinda means that you have to go out of your way to go see a movie/play a game first to listen to the podcast without having anything ruined for yourself. This does effect some things more than others, some of them have fewer spoilers and such, and there’s generally less consequence to listening to some of the podcasts if you’ve not seen the film or game in question.
Let me compare it to another podcast, the SuperMegaCast. SuperMegaCast is a much simpler yet wider format where Matt and Ryan (from SuperMega, just in case anyone wasn’t quite sure) and occasionally a guest, just sit and talk about quite literally anything, from the news, to games, to films, to their own lives, and so on and so forth. SuperMegaCast is good in this sense because you don’t have to do a load of reading up on something to get what they’re talking about, its just listen to them talk for and discuss a range of things for about an hour, and if they do talk about something you don’t know about, chances are they won’t talk about it for long. I feel like this is a drastically more accessibleformat because its so much more open and far less linear than the G-Club.
I hope this gets my point across. The G-Club is definitely not bad and SuperMegaCast isn’t the BEST PODCAST IN THE PLANETbut I wanted to explain why I’ve not been able to get much out of the G-Club. I mean sure, if you have seen all the things they talk about on the podcast, great, go you, enjoy the podcast. I just feel like it isolates out a lot of people who may not be into specific franchises or whatever who want to enjoy a Grump podcast. I’m not saying they should scrap the whole formula but I do think they should try and have a focus on more than just one thing as the main topic of discussion for an episode.
The thing is, I’m just kinda tired of seeing a new G-Club episode in my sub box, getting all happy, then immediately seeing its about something I’ve not seen and having to think “okay, guess I’ll give this one a miss too” which is something I’ve had to do for a majority of them. I haven’t been able to watch one for weeks because of this. I don’t really see enough movies, I’ll be the first to admit, but it just seems so unnecessarily isolating to talk about ONE thing for an entire podcast instead of just making it one OF the things you talk about.
you can send your hate mail to my inbox or asks or whatever it is tumblr uses xoxoxox
Hello, beautiful pea-ple! (Excuse my attempts at being punny 😏) It’s been a while since I shared with you something that I liked/loved/relished to the core so I decided to do a wrap-up of my favorites all taken from the belly of the past month, June. The food category is jam-packed! I definitely had a chance to pig out a lot!
A/N: Okay, this turned out to be way longer than intended,
but hey! More story for you guys. I was watching Sherlock Holmes the other day
and there’s a bit at the end where Irene Adler and Sherlock talk about why she did what she did (no spoilers - it’s an amazing film you should watch it) and I
instantly thought ‘I can make a fic out of this’. So here we are. I used two
lines of the film in there, I think, as little prompt phrases (again, go watch
it!) This is my first NCIS story and I hope it makes all makes sense :) Do let me know what
Summary: Imagine working with the NCIS team and being
blackmailed into helping the person they’re trying to catch. You’re caught and
are interrogated as to what has been going on.
Pairings: Gibbs x reader (familial), DiNozzo x reader
(romantic). (I just really love these two.)
You sat handcuffed in the silent interrogation room. You’d lost
track of how long you’d been sat there, waiting for someone to come and
interrogate you as to what had been going on for the past few months.
You glanced up at the camera in the right-hand corner. The red
light had been absent the entire time you’d been sat here. That meant that
they’d probably worked out who you’d been working for and knew that having
evidence of you having been captured would give away their advantage.
You weren’t surprised that you’d finally been caught. The whole
charade had become exhausting for you and you’d slipped up. When the man they’d
been tracking for nearly two weeks disappeared as though he knew exactly what
they were planning, the team had quickly pieced everything together and
realised what had been going on. You’d attempted to get out of there, but you’d
been arrested immediately.
You’d been the perfect person to undertake this task. Close to the
team, but not an actual member so they wouldn’t suspect what you were doing
until it was too late.
But that didn’t mean that you didn’t care for them more than
anyone else in your life. You’d worked dozens of cases with them on and off for
years. Being shipped off to NCIS by your boss at the FBI whenever Gibbs needed
an extra pair of hands. You seemed to work more over here than you ever did at
These people were your family.
And you’d deceived them all.
You glanced up at the one-way mirror in front of you, knowing that
the exact people you had been trying to save were all stood behind it,
discussing amongst themselves how to proceed with you. They felt betrayed, and
how could they not? But then again, they didn’t know the whole story. That by
sabotaging their attempts to stop your employer, you were saving their lives.
You silently wondered who would come into the room to question
you. Gibbs seemed the obvious choice; he was intimidating at the best of times
when questioning a suspect, but he would be doubly dangerous now. He’d taken
you under his wing, treating you and caring for you as a daughter, rather than
just a team member. You weren’t sure whether you’d be able to bear being in the
same room as him, with the contempt he must currently feel for you.
DiNozzo would get to you equally, if not more so. Everyone had
taken their turn to tell you that he had a thing for you and you couldn’t deny
feeling something more for him too. The pair of you flirted back and forth and
you always felt a little lighter whenever he sent one of his charming smiles… you doubted you’d be getting any more of them.
Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door opening as
someone entered the room. You turned your head to your left and immediately
wished the ground would open up and swallow you.
Gibbs held the case file emblazoned with the NCIS seal on it
loosely in one hand, looking down at you, expression steely and unreadable.
Behind him was Tony, his jaw set and he looked angry, but you could see in his
eyes, the hurt and betrayal he was feeling when he looked at you. This couldn’t
possibly have been any worse.
You looked away, unable to look at them for any longer and began
studying your own hands in the cuffs on the table, but you heard the door being
closed gently and the footsteps of the two men as they moved further into the
You flinched as the file landed heavily in front of you on the
desk. Gibbs took a seat in front of you but you refused to look up. The tension
in the air was almost suffocating and you could literally think of nowhere else
you would want to be less.
After what seemed like forever, Gibbs finally spoke. His voice was
barely a whisper, but you heard every syllable as though he’d shouted it.
“We trusted you. We all did. And you were against us from the
You closed your eyes, but that didn’t stop a tear from escaping
through your lashes and beginning to trail down your cheek. That wasn’t the
truth and it hurt you more than you could express to hear him say that.
They didn’t understand. You had to make them understand why you’d
done what you did. But why would they believe you now?
When you didn’t reply, Gibbs continued in a slightly louder, but
no less dangerous tone.
“Who do you work for? They’re the one we’re chasing, right? That’s
why you’re here - to protect your employer.
“You don’t understand-”
“Then you better make me, (y/n), because I don’t know what the
hell to think!” Gibbs yelled, slamming his palm onto the desk and making you
You shrank back into your chair as a few more tears raced down
your cheeks. You had to explain. You had to try and make them understand.
“He calls himself Ares,” you said meekly, finally meeting Gibbs’ eyes. “He’s a hacker, well, amongst other things… Everyone has a weak spot… and
he found mine…”
“And what was that exactly?” asked Tony, who was leant against the
wall arms crossed. You’d almost forgotten he was in the room.
You looked from Gibbs to him with a watery, resigned smile,
knowing they would work it out. Tony’s shoulders dropped and his expression
softened momentarily as the pieces fitted into place.
Them. The team at NCIS were your weakness.
“What happened?” Gibbs asked, his voice now a lot softer, inviting
you to finally spill the secrets you’d been holding for the last few months.
You sniffled slightly, but swallowed against the lump in your throat, working
through the overwhelming urge to break down.
“That mission in Europe, that’s when he found me. He knew
everything - who I was, who I worked for, what I was doing… I was ready to call
someone to come and pick him up, but then… he reeled off all of your names and
told me he knew where each and every one of you was…” You squeezed your eyes
shut again as fresh tears blurred your vision. You forced yourself to stay
strong. You had to get through this.
“He knew that you were getting too close to one of his main
suppliers, so he told me he’d contact me with instructions soon after… and that
I was to do everything exactly as directed or he’d kill you… all of you, one by
one. I-I couldn’t let that happen, Gibbs, I couldn’t.”
You took another deep breath, knowing you weren’t quite through
with this interrogation yet.
“Why not kill us all anyway if we were getting too close?” Gibbs
asked, obviously still not satisfied with your story.
“Suspicion… an entire NCIS team all being killed at once will draw
the wrong kind of attention, though that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t…” You paused,
thinking about how to form the next part of your sentence. “But also… he
admires you, Gibbs… He isn’t finished with you yet…”
Gibbs leant back a little in his chair as he processed this. You
knew he’d been on the receiving end of admiration from the wrong kind of people
before, but that didn’t mean that he was practised at dealing with it.
“You can’t underestimate him.” You looked him directly in the eye,
pleading with him to listen and believe you, “he’s just as smart, resourceful
and strong as you are, Jethro, and infinitely more devious…”
Looking down at your hands, you felt the tears welling in your
eyes again and your voice cracked as spoke again.
“I just didn’t want to see any of you get hurt because of me.”
You bowed your head again as your shame flooded through you and
sobs shook your body. You’d never wanted any of this to happen. You just wanted
everyone to be safe.
“I’m sorry, Gibbs, I’m so sorry…” you choked out between sobs, not
It was a slight tug on your wrists which made you glance up again.
Gibbs had unlocked your restraints, pocketing them before getting up out of the
chair and making his way over to you. You instantly stood too and walked into
his open arms, throwing yours around his neck and burying your face in his
shoulder to continue to cry.
He rubbed his hands soothingly across your back and stroked your
hair as he whispered comforting words in your ear as you wept. You knew you
weren’t fully forgiven and it would take a while to heal the relationships
you’d damaged during this nightmare, but Gibbs knew that you hadn’t done
anything to intentionally harm them. He still loved you.
After a few minutes, when your crying had calmed considerably and
you’d lifted your head to instead rest your chin on Gibbs’ shoulder, he spoke
“I’m gonna have to go and talk this over with the Director, okay?” You pulled back from his shoulder and looked into his blue eyes.
“What’s going to happen to me?” you asked tentatively, not looking
away from his gaze. You needed to know.
“I don’t know,” Gibbs answered, shaking his head slightly. At
least he was being honest.
You reluctantly nodded and removed your arms from around his neck,
letting them fall limply by your sides.
“Hey, chin up,” Gibbs said, lifting your chin lightly with one of
his fingers before wiping away the remaining tears on your left cheek. He took
a few steps away and opened the door, turning back to you. “DiNozzo will keep
You nodded again as he closed the door and disappeared from sight.
Letting out a sigh, you leant against the desk, placing your hands on the edge
either side of you.
“Well, Gibbs’ gut was right all along,” Tony said, pushing himself
off of the wall and walking over to you.
You didn’t know if you could bear to look at him yet, but he leant
up against the table next to you and folded his arms. You decided to try and
glanced at him before quickly looking back down at the floor. His tone was light-hearted
but he still looked hurt, which was hardly surprising, but that caused a
tightness around your heart that you couldn’t shift.
“He kept saying that this didn’t add up, and well… it didn’t”
“A lot of good that does me,” you replied, scuffing your foot on
the floor out of frustration, “I might have been doing it for the right reason,
Tony, but that doesn’t excuse anything. I worked against you all and let a
violent criminal go free. I have to pay for that.”
“You won’t do any time if you agree to work with us to catch him
and testify, and you know it” Tony replied firmly, clearly trying to convince
you and himself that everything would be alright. You didn’t know whether you
should believe him or not; Gibbs had said it himself, he didn’t know what would
happen to you. "You’re too good of an agent for that.”
“You’d miss me, Tony?” You teased, trying to make light of the
situation and bumping his shoulder slightly in jest.
“Yeah, I would,” he responded, not missing a beat.
You looked up at him suddenly having not expected such a reaction
from him, only to see him looking down at you with a small and genuine smile.
He must have registered the astonishment in your look as he smirked slightly
before covering your hand on the edge of the desk with his own.
“What? You didn’t think I’d miss you if you weren’t constantly
popping up around here?” he asked gently, squeezing your hand, “That’d leave me
with McGeek all the time… The thought of that.”
He shuddered which made you chuckle and brought another smile
bright to DiNozzo’s face. After a minute, you paused and looked back into his
eyes and saw the genuine feelings behind his words.
You didn’t know if words would fail you if you continued to hold
his gaze, so you simply rested your head gently on his shoulder so you were no
longer looking at him, before saying:
”I’d miss you, too.”
Tony said nothing else and simply rested his head on top of yours
as you waited for Gibbs to return.
You’d practically forgotten that the others might still be stood
behind the mirror, watching your moment with Tony, and to tell the truth, you
didn’t really care if they were. Your choices had meant that they were still
here to witness it and that was one thing about this whole ordeal that you
could live with.
It took twenty minutes or so for Gibbs to come back into the room.
You and Tony hadn’t said another word or moved, other than Tony removing his
hand from yours in order to wrap his arm around you, holding you close to him.
You found yourself listening to the soft sound of Tony’s breathing, watching
the rise and fall of his chest and finding yourself quite willing to fall
asleep on his shoulder and forget what was happening.
But, at the sound of the door opening, you jumped up, suddenly
completely awake as Gibbs re-entered the room. You weren’t sure whether you
should be glad that he was alone or not.
The Marine’s expression was as guarded as ever and you couldn’t
work out what he would reveal about your fate.
“Vance has agreed that with your full co-operation in catching the
guy that got away and this ‘Ares’ and your guarantee that you’ll testify
against him when the time comes, he’ll give you immunity from any jail time,” Gibbs said, a small smile gracing his features.
You let out the breath you’d been holding, running your hands over
your face as you tried not to smile.
You just knew that was coming.
“Until that point, you are still technically under arrest and have
to remain in the company of at least one of us twenty-four-seven,” he said,
momentarily looking at DiNozzo before his eyes flicked back to you. “Afterwards,
you’ll have to requalify for your position and provided that you pass, you’ll
be reinstated as our liaison to the FBI.”
“Thank you, Gibbs,” you said, hugging the marine again.
“You’re a good agent, (y/l/n),” he replied when you pulled away, “we
shouldn’t lose you because of this.”
You nodded, the lump in your throat rising again, but in relief
and happiness this time.
“Fancy spending the rest of the day with me then?” asked Tony,
coming forwards to stand beside you.
“I think I could probably stomach it, yeah.”
Tony smiled at you at you were sure that Gibbs was smirking a
little at the exchange on your other side, but he didn’t mention anything.
“Come on,” Gibbs said, opening the door for you and ushering you
through, “we’ve got to get this son of a bitch.”
As you exited the room, you were hit by an oncoming figure dressed
in black who ended up hugging you tightly before you could even regain your
“I knew you wouldn’t have turned against us, I just knew it,” Abby
said, not letting up on her grip at all which was making it a little hard for
you to breath.
“Thanks, Abby,” you managed to choke out, though you still hugged
her back with equal vigour.
Behind her stood McGee, Ziva and Ducky. They all exchanged a look
with you that said ‘don’t worry, we’re with you’ and you nodded, a single tear
falling down your cheek again.
These were the people you were protecting. Your family. And
nothing was ever going to come between you and your family ever again.
It’s About What You Believe: Thoughts on Wonder Woman and How to Be a Hero
(Spoilers for the film, which honestly, you should watch before you read this even if you don’t mind spoilers.)
Like everything that comes to us long overdue, Wonder Woman came amidst a fever pitch of excitement, and expectations so high only an Amazonian goddess could even hope to reach them. So I tried to temper my hopes. It just needed to be good. That was all. It just had to succeed in the most basic sense; to be entertaining, to get decent reviews, to not fall too much short of the ever-heightening hype. That was all we needed, but we needed it. I saw one early, very frank review titled, “Oh Thank God, ‘Wonder Woman’ Is Good.” Because if the film didn’t pass muster, if the critics panned it or it didn’t make enough money, we all knew that it could be another 75 years before the next Wonder Woman film.
So when I sat down in the theater at the early Thursday show, I was trying to balance my own hope for the character and my desperate wishes for the film’s success against the small but determined part of my mind that is always worried if I hope too hard, one of these days my disappointment will kill me. This balancing act made my first viewing of Wonder Woman a strange affair. I was trying to stay present, to just enjoy the film. But I also was collecting as I went along, storing up moments for later, when others might accost my enjoyment with claims that I only liked it because I had been waiting for it for so long; that my affection was political in nature, born of solidarity with Wonder Woman rather than based in merit.
So I took mental notes. Here are some: The production design is stunning. The Amazons are badass. In particular, Robin Wright as Antiope is amazing — a fierce and noble warrior, gorgeous with her wrinkles and scars and all the things male warriors are always allowed and female ones rarely are. It’s a beautiful setup, this paradise of women that has only remained so because of its complete isolation from the world of mankind. And when Steve Trevor literally crashes the party, he and Diana are delightful together. Their scenes are well-written, gently poking fun at the male ego but never valuing the joke above the story. Gal Gadot lights up the screen and Chris Pine plays off her charmingly. The fight scenes excite without descending into that all too common frenzy that leaves you wondering what, exactly, is actually happening. Remember when you could actually follow a blockbuster fight scene? Patty Jenkins is bringing that back. The action is rooted in the story. The jokes are funny. The pathos is earned. The secondary characters — especially Diana’s band of loyal men — are not only diverse, but their diversity is given a humanity that keeps them from feeling like props. She actually cares about these men. So we, the audience, care too. And I can’t be the only one noticing the great framing, the shots that pay homage to the comics medium and prove Patty Jenkins’ superhero street cred. That slow motion isn’t arbitrary — she’s making film frames into comics panels, freezing the moments for you to take them in.
All these thoughts, I collect. Here they are, the string of moments that prove Wonder Woman deserves a blockbuster budget and two and a half hours of your time. Just in case anyone asks for proof (they will). With each new scene, I poke around the edges, willing it to hold up, praying I don’t find any gaps or weak spots — at least not any unbearable ones. Because the only thing worse than being disappointed with something you wanted to love is letting yourself love something, only to have someone else point out the fatal flaw and rip the proverbial rug from beneath your feet. And all this — the collecting, the poking, the voice whispering to me that I better not love it unless it deserves to be loved — was how I found myself, at the end of the film, with the vague sense that I had enjoyed it. And… was that it?
The credits started. People clapped. Patty Jenkins’ name appeared inside a golden lasso. The theater started to empty. And I started to cry.
I really have to offer my profound thanks to whomever chose not to give Wonder Woman a post-credits scene, to whomever it was that gave me those seven or so uninterrupted minutes after the film ended but before I had to truly leave Wonder Woman for the outside world. As a Sia song about love blasted through the speakers and the credits rolled soothingly by, I finally found my emotions. The analysis over, the tentative conclusion positive, I had a moment to really let the story sink in. I looked it over, and for just a moment, I yielded to the temptation, and I let it in. So came the tears.
I cried because it was bold, this story that Patty Jenkins told. It was boldly sentimental and sincere, unapologetic in its commitment to a narrative that insisted true strength comes from love.
I cried because it was beautiful, this woman who was so sure of herself and her power that her question was always what she should do, because what she can do was never in question.
But most of all, I cried because I felt hopeful. Hope had, of late, deserted me. I was feeling the failures of the world and I was feeling my own personal failures, and I was feeling them hard. I was holding up newspapers to history books and not finding enough of a difference. I was looking at the last decade of my life toiling away at dreams with no proof I was any closer to achieving any of them. I don’t mean to say my life was objectively so bad. I mean that in the great, grand scheme of Fighting Back and Not Losing Hope, I wasn’t doing very well. Could I help this world? Could I even help myself?
So all of this hung around me as I went into the movie theater last Thursday night. And Wonder Woman blew it all away, and even more astonishingly, gave hope back to me. Because Wonder Woman, if you’ll pardon my plucking of low-hanging fruit, not only is a wonder, but is fullof wonder. As a child, she wonders at the strength and skill of the Amazon warriors, and at her mother’s stories of gods and men and the weapons that kill them. (Oh, those wide-eyed close ups of little Diana taking in the legends! Bless that tiny actress, and the director that knew her wide eyes were so important.) When she is grown and proving herself on the training grounds, Diana wonders at her newly discovered power. She wonders at Steve Trevor, crashing into the ocean, unconscious on the beach, a new piece in her puzzling out of the world.
She wonders at the idea of an entire world at war, and at the idea that her fellow Amazons will not join the fight. She wonders at the world of man in all its oddities; at wrist watches and babies and revolving doors and ice cream, at London’s gray weather and dark skies and absurd clothing choices. She wonders (and yells) at generals who don’t fight with their soldiers, and at a roomful of Men In Charge who are significantly lacking in their ability to recognize foreign languages, among other things. She wonders at the sufferings of mankind and the horrors of war. And when she drives her sword deep into the bad guy’s heart and yet the war continues, when she discovers that perhaps these horrors are of mankind’s own making, she wonders whether any of it is worth it.
You see, Wonder Woman isn’t just fast enough to deflect bullets and powerful enough to throw tanks. She’s strong enough to live through fight after fight, through war after war. When Steve Trevor begs her to look beyond the idea of Ares and fight with him to save the day and she refuses, it isn’t because she can’t see the big picture. Rather, the picture she sees is too big. She is looking at a world of pain and suffering that she thought she could end with the right sword through the right bad guy — and she is realizing she was wrong, that there is no end. She doesn’t walk away in that moment because she doesn’t care enough. She walks away because she cares too much, and for the first time, she realizes that she has to live with the pain of that caring for the rest of her (supernaturally long) life.
So the fight with Ares is nothing if not her struggle to regain control, to know that she can make some difference; and her raging, fiery grief when Steve dies is not just about the man she learned to love but about the world of men that killed him by not being good enough. And her sparing of Doctor Poison, who most purely represents this human world insistent upon destroying itself, is not just a decision not to kill. It is a decision to hope, whatever darkness and grief that hope lets in. For yes, even Wonder Woman despairs of this world. Her strength and power don’t shield her from it. If anything, they amplify it. But she chooses not to let that despair rob her of herself — of the way she observes, of the way she loves, of her delight in ice cream and babies and crash-landed pilots who let their wrist watches tell them what to do.
And as I sat in the dark letting the credits return me gently to the real world, I realized I was bringing her with me. I found to my surprise that I remembered what it feels like to hope for this world — what it feels like to wonder, not only at the feats of heroes, but at the possibilities of the world that they protect. That is the story of this beautiful, bold, hopeful film: that heroes choose goodness, even when goodness may break their heart. That they choose wonder, even when wonder brings horror with it. That they believe in love, and proclaim that belief out loud in the face of the most sneering skeptic. Oh, and — last but not least — if a villain threatens to destroy that love, they cross their indestructible gauntlets and turn that villain into a crater. Marvel and DC have given us film after film questioning what a hero is; with only one, Patty Jenkins has given us the answer. A hero fights, and she loves, and she won’t be tricked into thinking she must choose one or the other. And when the dust settles and she has survived the battle — as Wonder Woman always must — she mourns what she’s lost and she carries on. And when the new day comes, she chooses to be a hero all over again. This is how you save the world. And if Wonder Woman can do it, then so can we.
i . so this month another quote struck me… “the truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. you just got to find the ones worth suffering for” said bob marley. well, i struggle a lot when i get hurt by anybody, but reflecting on this quote helped me: a. caring less when the hurt was sent from someone i don’t care about and b. understanding that even in friendship sometimes you’re going to get hurt. but if between you and your friend the bond is strong, you can be sure love is going to win. and you’ll be rewarded for your patience. i guarantee you.
ii . uhm i learned that you should always carry with yourself a smol notebook + a pen because inspiration can hit you at anytime! and you should be prepared!! also, a notebook is great for doodling. plus, some chapstick and a bottle of water should always stay in your backpack <3
iii . ok so this has been a big one for me this month. change is tough. and mood swings don’t make it easier. i’m not good at changing. usually when i enter a new period of my life i start settling down and like building my emotional nest of feelings, music, whatever. those feelings become normality, i feel fine. then something unexpected happens and i find myself completely confused and sad and it’s like my little world is crashing in pieces. i know going with the flow is hard, but it’s the best thing to do. try writing or meditating, try connecting to the present moment instead of analyzing the big picture which makes change seem so scary. in a few days it will be gone and you’ll be stronger than before.
iv . this kinda goes with number three but i discovered that there’s a major benefit in keeping a daily journal when you have frequent mood swings: when you are in one of your lowest phases where everything feels wrong, it’s magical to open your journal and find out that a couple of days before you where completely fine and happy and excited for life. i had never experienced that but oh it felt soso good. i instantly knew that my happier self existed… and that she would have came back.
v . this month i’ve watched two films that… oh my god. i don’t know if i would have came to the end of february without them. so i think you have probably guessed the first one… la la land. when the credits started playing i was immobilized in my chair. while people started waking up and chatting i was. just. happy. i had this smile on my face. and it stayed there until i fell asleep that night. i’m not going to say anything more… it deeply changed me. (and i’ve been playing the soundtrack on repeat…) some days later i went to see capitain fantastic… and i think this is like one of the best films i’ve watched in the last five years or something?? it represented so well my dream life as a child, i love that pure way of living, i love how well those children were brought up, i love how intelligent they were… i cried so much oh god… it was like my vision made into an actual film. you should go watch both!!
vi . the best way to actually practice self care is writing yourself a step by step guide to getting the most comfortable and keeping it in an easily accessible place. it’s amazing because every time i read it i feel like a small child and i become my own caregiver i guess?? and i just feel like i have to do what’s written there because it’s written!! and i wrote it, so it’s proof that it will instantly make me feel better. it should be like the really basic things, which are the ones i forget more easily. and it should be personalized!! it’s fine to follow suggestions you find on tumblr but you know what works best for yourself! also, every time i follow it it’s like a little ritual or a well-being spell which is even more great!
vii . there are some human beings that are just… amazing. and that make you wanna go and hug them and thank them so much. well, adriene from the youtube channel yoga with adriene is one of those people. in january she uploaded a video a day, but i started watching them in february. every afternoon those twenty minutes of yoga became my little calm, mindful space. adriene’s voice is so calming…
viii . this is something i started realizing only in the past week but well… your vibes and your intention most of the times are. the most. important. thing. i don’t even notice how much anxiety and negative self talk goes on in my mind. the result is me getting panic attacks or not being able to breath in the middle of nowhere. it became such a normal thing and that’s why i need to extirpate it. meditation helped me a lot learning to connect with my feelings and control my thoughts, and the results of three or four days of attention and positivity are amazing. i’m so so so so happy… this month wasn’t easy at all, but i hope this will change things up…
i hope this gave you some ideas and motivation <3 it’s so great that my january reflections actually got notes?? like?? i pretty much made them to track my progress, i didn’t expect it! have an amazing day…
Just thinking that The matrix is one of those films you should really watch before you die and I don’t really understand how people can even die without watching it.
Like it should be forbidden by a law or something.