I’m a cashier and I gave this guy his 100 cash back as 2 twenties, a ten and a fifty dollar bill cause a lot of people get 40+ in cash back and I only had so many 20s left so I didn’t want to give him all 20s he made a huge fuss about it and held up my line bc “no fast food place will take a 50” I explained to him that I realized that since I used to work at McDonald’s, but I only had so many 20s left in my till, he was like “whatever, just get your manager if you have to. I don’t care.” Like dude, I didn’t realize that the only place you ever spend money at is fast food places, and even then, they take cards just like the one you just used to get this 100 in cash back but this is obviously important enough to make all these people wait for my very busy manager to come open my till.


“Fifty bucks you can’t make the shot.” Tony challenges, taking a fifty dollar bill out of his wallet and waving it tauntingly in front of Clint’s nose.

Clint looks up at the target. “Friday, what is the chance I make this shot?”

“.007% chance, sir.”

Clint considers the odds for a moment before looking back at Tony, grinning cockily. “You’re on.”

The two men shake hands to seal the deal, and Clint moves to scope out the best possible position to make the shot. After training, Tony had moved one of his targets to the top corner of the training facility, opposite from where they’re standing now. Some of the rings are blocked out by the metal rafters, but Clint knows there has to be a loophole somewhere for him to hit the bull’s-eye. There always is.

After a couple of seconds of walking around. He sees it. The red of the bull’s-eye is just barely visible between a small, barely two inch wide opening in the rafters. Clint smirks to himself and takes one of his slimmest arrows from the quiver. He attaches it to the string and draws it back so his fingers rest by his chin.

After taking a couple of seconds to make sure his aim is accurate, he inhales deeply and releases the arrow on his exhale. It flies perfectly through the opening in the rafters, sinking satisfyingly into the bull’s-eye.

Tony’s jaw drops, and Clint turns to face him, smiling smugly at his friends expression. “How?” Tony splutters.

Well, there’s a reason they call me Hawkeye,“ Clint days, walking towards the billionaire. He plucks the fifty dollar bill out of his hand. "I don’t miss.”

“Oh yeah?” Tony fishes out his wallet again, and pulls out another fifty. “Fifty bucks you can’t do it again.”

Rolling his eyes, Clint grins, nocking in another arrow. “Easy as pie.”

“But, if you miss, I get my fifty bucks back.”

The archer lowers his bow and arrow, pondering the offer. He made the shot once, which means he can do it again. Which means he gets another fifty bucks, and bragging rights for at least a week before it gets obnoxious. “Deal.”

He raises his bow and draws back the string to his cheek, aiming it so the arrow will land right on the bullseye. He takes a deep breath, and releases–

“Hey guys!”

Clint stumbles and fires the shot. The arrow hits the rafters above before falling back down and lodging in the training floor, point down. His eyes stay locked on your surprised form in the doorway. “Hey, (y/n),” he mumbles nervously, shifting his feet.

“Hey…” You mumble, looking between the two men suspiciously. “Cap’s calling a meeting in five minutes.”

Tony grins at Clint’s distracted state. “We’ll be there in a sec. Thanks, (y/n).”

Nodding at them, you turn and leave the training room, but not before glancing back at the two men suspiciously. They’re up to something.

Tony walks forward and plucks the money out of Clint’s limp hand. “So, the birdboy can miss a shot…but only when (y/n)’s around.” He pats Clint on the shoulder and walks toward the door. “Good luck with that.”

american psycho the musical sentence memes pt. 1
  • ‘ no cologne on the face ever because the high alcohol content dries out your skin, makes you look … older. ‘
  • ‘ & some things have changed. ‘
  • ‘ come on baby sell it out ‘
  • ‘ you’re my next distraction. ‘
  • ‘ she’s russian, not chinese, which is okay, it’s not great but … ‘
  • ‘ the scene where johnny depp’s blood geysers from the bed? the best. ’
  • ‘ can i get a thousand dollars in crisp fifty dollar bills? my gazelle skin wallet is feeling kind of light this a.m. ‘
  • ‘ i want it all. ‘
  • ‘ everybody wants to rule the world. ‘
  • ‘ late … for you. ‘
  • ‘ just say no. ‘
  • ‘  no, got it. ‘
  • ‘ don’t wear that outfit again. ‘
  • ‘ don’t look at me like i’m insane. ‘
  • ‘ you’re not insane … i am. ‘
  • ‘ i have a question for g.q. if all of your friends are morons is it a felony & misdemeanor or an act of mercy if you blow their fucking heads off with a .38 magnum? ‘
  • ‘ i think that’s a valid question. ‘
  • ‘ did any of you assholes read the paper? ‘
  • ‘ i finally get her to agree to give me a blowjob, but get this, she keeps her glove on. ‘
  • ‘ oh baby, baby, you’re such a card. ‘
  • ‘ you make it look oh so easy when i know it’s fucking hard. ‘
  • ‘ the impression that you make is always in your hand. ‘
  • ‘ what is he smoking? ‘
  • ‘ i showed him my fucking card! ‘
  • ‘ you are what you wear. ‘
  • ‘ get a job & a hair cut. ‘
  • ‘ it’s your favorite, darling, red velvet.’
  • ‘ blow out the candles! ‘
  • ‘ i wish to fit in. ‘
  • ‘ you are banished. ‘
  • ‘ we need to do some bolivian marching powder, like, now. ‘
  • ‘ the world is going insane & we are becoming attuned to the insanity. ‘
  • ‘ goodbye all you cunts, i’m done with these places. i’m tired of all your hideous faces. everyone of you fools is a stupid fuck. good luck. ‘
  • ‘ i can feel it coming in the air tonight. ‘
  • ‘ you can wipe off that grin, i know where you’ve been, it’s all be a pack of lies. ‘
  • ‘ we don’t have anything in common. ‘
  • ‘ i like a hardbody. ‘
  • ‘ what’s that one with the little homelss girl on the poster? ‘
  • ‘ is it my muscles that excite you or the heft of my cock? ‘
  • ‘ i have to return some videotapes! ‘
  • ‘ i really hope i don’t fall asleep. ‘
  • ‘ darling, are you having a stroke? ‘
  • ‘ i want a sixteen foot tiered ben & jerry’s ice cream cake. ‘
  • ‘ if we get married, we’ll have such a wedding. ‘
  • ‘ i’m having a nightmare where you are my wife. ‘
  • ‘ i’d like a huge diamond, won’t settle for less. ‘
  • ‘ if you only knew. ‘
  • ‘ when i cut off her hand. ‘
  • ‘ i’d swing an axe. ‘
  • ‘ it’s that look in his eye that i don’t understand. ‘
  • ‘ do you take american express? ‘
  • ‘ that’s a very fine chardonnay that you’re not drinking. ‘
  • ‘ how much did you pay for it? ‘
  • ‘ i’m not a common man. ‘
  • ‘ stay up late you know things happen. ‘
  • ‘ it will hurt less if you relax. ‘
  • ‘ are you excited or afraid? ‘
  • ‘ every pleasure is a bore. ‘
  • ‘ it’s a superb movie about an axe wielding santa. ‘
  • ‘ i want a party to remember. ‘
  • ‘ i’m ready to butcher some boys and some girls. ‘
  • ‘ do you like huey lewis & the news? ‘
  • ‘ that’s the date rape drug i put in your drink. ‘
  • ‘ do you have a dog? a chow or something? ‘
  • ‘ is that a raincoat you’re wearing? ‘
  • ‘ i am utterly insane. i like to dissect girls. ‘
  • ‘ that’s fine, i used to hate iggy pop too, but now that he’s more commercial i like him. ‘
  • ‘ try to get a reservation at dorsia now you fucking asshole. ‘

So I love horror movies and I love cats and dogs, but when I see a cat or a dog in a horror movie, my heart plunges because I just KNOW that poor critter is toast and I don’t want to see a puppy or a kitty get it, even fictionally.

But man, when a pet gloriously, dramatically, unequivocally survives a horror movie? Great feeling. It’s like finding a fifty dollar bill in the pocket of a pair of old jeans. Totally turns your day around.


Bartender?: Andy Biersack Imagine: request 

 AN: changed it a little and was in a rush. Sorry. X 

 Andy laughed as he watched the guys yell out while walking down the street to a bar that was close enough to walk from the bus. It was Andy’s first night out in 6 months since the break up with Juliet and the night after the first show of their tour so they all wanted to celebrate. Andy was okay without Juliet and he knew he would be, so he decided he deserved some fun. As the guys and Andy stepped into the bar, the familiar scent of beer and sweat hit his nostrils which is probably not a good thing to be familiar with. 

Girls were eyeballing Andy up and down with smirks on their faces and some biting their lip, ready to pounce but the fact that under all that make could be something else, Andy focused on getting to the bar. Once they finally did, Ashley slapped down a fifty dollar bill onto the bar, “bartender! Need a round of shots for me and my boys! Double for the tall one!” He laughed as Andy shook his head. “Coming right up.” Andy’s head turned at the sound of a female voice, which was odd considering he’s never really seen a female bartender, just waitresses or girls hanging out in the place itself. She slightly smiled as she took different orders and worked faster than anyone has seen, Flipping the bottle and amazingly pouring the shots. 

The guys jaws were on the floor and the girl laughed, “never seen a girl do a mans job?” She took the 50 and handed Ashley the change, “no. Keep it. ” he insisted. “Thanks, but I’ll just use it to get a round of beer for you guys.” She went down the bar to get drinks and finish the rest of the orders. The shots were still on the bar, “dude, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” Cc said. “No shit.” Andy responded, “she’s something else, I can feel it.” The guys all had smirks on their faces and Andy knew what it was. They would hug him to get her number and ask her out, but Andy was afraid of rejection. It terrified him. He never talked to another girl after Juliet so he was scared. 

Ashely could sense it. “Here are your guys’ beers.” She had all them in her two small hands, another impressive thing she’s done within a matter of minutes. Andy was about to speak when I girl approached him. She was hammered out of her mind and Andy could tell and he was never an asshole enough to take advantage of a drunk girl, no one ever should do that. “I saw you from the other side of the bar and like, you’re really hot.” She slurred. Andy nervously laughed. The bartender disappeared as she ran around the bar and to the girl, “come on Jess, Albert will get you a cab outside." 

She led the girl off of Andy and to the security guard at the door and quickly ran back to her place. "Thanks.” Andy said. “Eh, it’s okay. She’s a regular and it’s the same every night.” She was wiping down the bar in front of the guys and Andy still couldn’t find the nerve to speak. “God damnit, hey, my friend thinks you’re cute but he’s too much of a pussy to ask you for his number, so would you?” Ashley suddenly blurted out. Andy felt like hiding into a hole, but it changed when he saw a napkin being handed to him. 

“My name is Y/N. I usually don’t do this because there’s a bunch of creeps, but you look like you could use a friend.” She sent him a smile and walked away to the drunk men asking for drinks at the end of the bar. “See? Was that so hard?”

Soon after Hamilton became treasury secretary, Philip Schuyler told Eliza a comical story about her husband’s absentminded behavior in an upstate New York town where he once paused en route to Albany. Hamilton must have been composing a legal brief or speech in his mind, for he kept pacing in front of a store owned by a Mr. Rodgers. As one observer recalled:

“Apparently in deep contemplation, and his lips moving as rapidly as if he was in conversation with some person, he entered the store [and] tendered a fifty-dollar bill to be exchanged. Rodgers refused to change it. The gentleman [Hamilton] retired. A person in the store asked Rodgers if the bill was counterfeited. He replied in the negative. Why, then, did you not oblige the gentleman by exchanging it? Because, said Rodgers, the poor gentleman has lost his reason. But, said the other, he appeared perfectly natural. That may be, said Rodgers, he probably has his lucid intervals. But I have seen him walk before my door for half an hour, sometimes stopping, but always talking to himself. And if I had changed the money and he had lost it, I might have received blame.”

—  Ron Chernow, Alexander Hamilton

anonymous asked:

A customer just paid for a $59 and change purchase with two fifty dollar bills, even though I could see plenty of smaller bills in his wallet. So I gave him his change in fives and ones. Petty? Probably. Do I care? Nooooooope!

✨Squad Goals Episode 12 Pt. 2: More Margaritas✨


“I’m going to go to the ladies room Justin” Selena announces while taking off my hoodie and handing it to Justin. He looks sheepish and gives a nod and Selena slides past me with an air of arrogance. My arms are crossed over my chest and my eyes are still narrowed and squinting.

“What the fuck is this huh?” I ask as my jealousy starts to consume me.

“Miss St. John, your drinks are ready” the bartender says in a shaking voice I give him a brilliant smile and reach into my pocket to retrieve a fifty dollar bill.

“Do me a favor and take those to my friends?” I ask him and he nods enthusiastically, carrying the tray of drinks to my friends who are craning their necks to see the drama.

“Rhiannon I do not want to fight tonight” Justin says and he has the nerve to sound tired!

“Oh then you don’t have to. You can just listen to me yell your fucking ears off” Justin gulps and takes a sip of his margarita, clearly ignoring me.

“Justin Bieber get your ass outside right now” he looks at me with a raised brow and scoffs.

“I’m not doing this with you” he says calmly and that sets me off like Jada Pinkett.

“Get your ass outside right now!” I yell and the restaurant goes silent. It seems that even the cooks in the back have stopped moving. Justin looks around, embarrassed, and follows me when I start to make my way outside the door.

“You are so fucking dramatic!” He shouts at me his face inches from mine and I’m livid when some of his spit lands on the tip of my nose.

“I’m dramatic? Who the fuck is the one here getting cozy with an ex huh? Clue! Not me!” He shakes his head and steps back from me but I’m just getting started so I pull him by the collar of his hooded jacket and tug him close again.

“You don’t get to walk away from this Justin. You have a right to be angry for what I did to you but let me tell you that I will not be cheated on” I say in a deadly whisper and he rolls his eyes before speaking,

“Do you hear yourself? You’re fucking crazy. I tried to get you to fucking marry me and now you want to call me a cheater?” My anger builds once again and I push against his chest with all of my strength. He stumbles a little bit but ultimately stands his ground.

“You did this to get back at me! To hurt me! You always want to do the stupidest shit just to get a fucking rise out of me!” I’m full on sobbing now and I want the cameras to turn off and I want the paparazzi in the bushes to have mercy on me and not let these pictures be tomorrow’s headliners but that will never happen.

“Stop it! You don’t get to be the damn victim Rhiannon!” Justin says and he had my face between his hands and my mascara is starting to stain his palms.

“I’m not trying to be a victim! You hurt me! You’re hurting me I ca-”

“Cut the shit! Stop the tears! You lied to me! You lied to me and you were playing me for a whole day and had I not spoken to Kylie you probably still would’ve been lying!”

“I was scared! I didn’t know what to-”

“Scared of me? Of the man who loves you and has loved you for the past five years? Bullshit. All you had to say was yes or no but of course you had to pull some extra shit to-”

“No Justin!” His eyes widen and his face takes on this incredulous look

“No what?” I try to stop my crying long enough to get the words out.

“No, I don’t want to marry you. I’m not ready. I know that you want to do all of these things while we’re young but I’m just getting started, I don’t want to have the responsibility of a husband, or even a child while I’m trying to win a Grammy I just can’t do it, not yet” Justin takes my words into consideration and tilts his head up and  I know it’s so his tears won’t roll down his cheeks. Then he surprises me and gives me a watery smile.

“Was that so hard?” I nod and cannot return the smile

“Breaking your heart? Yeah. Hardest thing I’ve ever done besides lie to you”

“I’m not messing around with Selena, I want you to know that” hearing her name on his lips does nothing to quell my still present jealousy.

“I don’t want to talk about her” I tell him and he nods and seems to ‘get it’,

“Are we going to be okay?” He asks suddenly and his smile is gone along with his usual cocky demeanor. He looks scared, and that scares me.

“Isn’t that up to you?” I prod and he shrugs before shoving his hands into his jean pockets.

“Why would the status of our relationship only be up to me?” He asks in confusion and I realize that he’s right but even then he holds some leverage.

“We’re in this mess because I lied to you” I explain and he shakes his head and looks like he’s going to cry again,

“We’re in this mess because I proposed to you” suddenly my heels look super interesting so I stare at them before Justin lifts my chin up with his index finger.

“I’m sorry. Is it too late to say that?” He cracks a grin and this time I return it

“I was going to say sorry first” Justin shakes his head and pulls me in for a hug so his chin rests on the crown of my blonde curls.

“I’m sorry. I just love you so much that sometimes I feel like I need to do extreme shit to keep you with me I don’t know…”

“But you’ll never lose me, I’m going to love you even when you’re wrinkly and still saying ‘’swag’” He throws his head back and laughs,

“I’m going to hold you to that”

“Please do.” Then we’re kissing and the tension is still there but it’ll melt away over this next week because I’ve already decided that he and I are going to take a break from the show and maybe jet off to Canada to spend some time with his family.

“What do you think the headlines are going to say about us tomorrow?” Justin wonders and I wave at a lurking paparazzi.

“Probably what they always say,”

“That your-”

“That I’m-” we look at each other before flipping off the paparazzi

“Pregnant” we say in unison before walking into the restaurant. approach the squad table and see that everyone has their food already. Everyone including Selena who sits smushed between Cara and Gigi.

“Before you get upset I just want to say that Cara and Gigi invited me to eat with you guys” Selena announces and I eye the two models who are slurping back margaritas like it’s their job.

“She looked so lonely!” Gigi supplies and Cara nods in agreement,

“She told us she isn’t on a date with Justin! They’re just friends honest! Right Selena?” The girl nods begrudgingly as Justin pulls out a seat for me and sits next to me.

“Works for me,” I say and the table looks as shocked as I feel, but I figure that Selena must be some kind of friend to Justin if she was his first call. Selena gives a smile that actually doesn’t look evil. And I can deal with that. Really I can.  

They’re going to be okay!!!! <3 

Tumblr, the most amazing thing just happened to me.

I went shopping to restock my fridge this afternoon and, on impulse, grabbed a Mexican candy, ‘cause it’s Texas and we have entire shelves of those. I assumed from the colour and slight squish that it was either dulce de leche or tamarind something, and didn’t bother reading the label.

Got home, put stuff away, cracked into it, and on the first bite, gods were born on my tongue. The void cracked open and all the angels of the dark beyond sang out. Time ended. A new universe began. It was not dulce de leche.

I checked the label to discover what I had grabbed was a rollo de guyaba.

Now you gotta understand. Guava has been my favourite fruit in the world since the time I accidentally ordered guava pie in Piedras Negras all those years ago. So this was basically like pushing the button to get your change back from a vending machine and getting a fifty dollar bill instead of two quarters. 

This is the best impulse buy in the history of impulse buys. This was a better surprise than having a positive tax return. It’s like having crème brûlée for the first time all over again. I’m so happy I can’t even be upset that it’s taken so long to discover that rollo de guyaba is a thing that exists and is readily available. Life is beautiful and nothing hurts. And if you’re reading this guava-induced euphoria rant I hope something turns out monumentally better than anticipated for you too.

“I can’t believe you’d choose money over children. That’s so heartless.”

I can’t believe you’d choose producing your own biological children over adopting a person who already exists, hungry, alone, desperate to be loved. That’s so heartless.

I can’t believe you’d choose to focus on bringing yet more children into the world instead of volunteering at a homeless shelter, nursing the sick or becoming a firefighter. That’s so heartless. 

I can’t believe you’d choose to produce or adopt a human child over all the various animals out there that humanity are neglecting, beating, torturing, wiping out of existence. That’s so heartless.

Do you see the point here?

We all must follow our star. 

Everyone of us steps out into the world and says, on some level, “How can I help? What can I contribute?”

You believe I chose ‘money’, like all I want to do is lie around on a yacht in a big pile of fifty dollar bills, laughing as I pour champagne over the side. 

In fact, I chose to work with a charity educating girls around the world. I chose rescue animals. I chose to travel and I chose to study.

You chose to have your own brand of children. That is your star. 

Some might argue that you’re not really looking out for anybody there except yourself. You’re putting yet more demands upon a planet already burdened by humanity, a society collapsing under its own weight. You saw all the trouble in the world, all the problems, all the things that would be desperately glad of your help, and you said, “I’ll produce my own children instead, and look after just them.”

Which is, of course, absolutely your right.

But let’s unleash our grip on that word ‘heartless’, shall we?

I’ve got plenty of heart. And believe me, it’s breaking at all the misery in this world and how few people are trying to fix it. 

Instead, everyone is giddily producing their own little world and saying, “Look how well-fed and healthy these two specific children of mine are!”

“This guy at the bar was adamant that I should give him pizza tonight. It didn’t matter when I explained we were a themed bar set in 1800s england and that sort of stuff wasn’t on the menu. He was absolutely convinced that I had pizza hidden somewhere and I just wouldn’t give it to him. But then in a strange turn of events, he left a fifty dollar bill on the counter when he stormed out.”

“I’m trying to decide if he was punking me and that was my prize.”

It has officially happened. I just dropped one of my best and favorite highlighters, only because I’m extra clumsy and only half-awake today apparently. It hit the floor and shattered in a million, sparkly pieces and I’m pretty sure a part of my soul shattered right with it. I’m exaggerating of course but that is not a good way to start your day for sure and I can only hope it’s not an indicator for how today will go. Oh well, next time I might just throw away a fifty-dollar bill instead.