fifty shades of gray

y’know there’s an awful lot of talk about the shared experience that was the animorphs series and how it sticks with you, but nobody else ever talks about the greatest plague on my mind for years afterwards

instinctively saying “nice is neat” instead of “nine inch nails”

Customer disService #41: The Fates.

Fifty Shades of Grey has been bringing in every kind of idiot and walking midlife crisis in the tri-state area.

I’ve never dealt with a more annoying group of people than the fans of this stupid ass movie/book.

So the other day, three senior citizen aged women all creep their way up to the Guest Service Desk which I’m behind of course.

They looked like the fates from Greek mythology to give you a visual.

They also walked in order of height and after talking to them, I learned that the taller you are, the angry you are and the shorter you are, the more stupid you are. They were completely distressed and pissed off in the way that most old ladies are because they all came to see the 6:30 showing of 50 shades of grey in theater 10 and apparently something happened. I couldn’t decipher what happened because THEY didn’t even know.

At this point it was only 7:45 so this movie can’t possibly be over yet. I’m thinking maybe someone is disturbing them. Here’s the conversation:

Lachesis: I’m really angry!

Atropos: Me too!

*very long silence*

…Ok, what can I help you with?…

Atropos: We came to see 50 shades of grey!


*another uncomfortably long pause*

Atropos: You guys started it without us!

Lachesis: We walked in to see 50 shades of grey and the movie’s already halfway through!

Clotho: We missed the whole beginning!

Lachesis:…and now it’s already over! You guys started the movie too early and we missed the whole beginning!


Confused and equally amused, I asked to see their ticket stubs and looked up the information on that movie.

Me: I know this sounds a little silly, but do you think you could possibly have gone into the wrong theater?

They were baffled. As if they literally thought there were no other screens in our building.

Me:…It actually happens more than you’d think and every time we get a complaint about a movie “ending too soon” or “starting too early”, it ends up that the person simply went into the wrong theater.

Lachesis: No, it said 50 Shades of Grey on the thingy above the door!

Clotho: No she’s saying we went into the wrong theater.

Me: Well, we were also playing 50 shades of grey in theater 11 at 5:30, which ended at 7:45…just a few minutes ago… so I’m assuming that you went into theater 11 by accident. It’s directly next to theater 10.

Lachesis: I mean, what do you want us to do? We missed the beginning of the movie!

Me: So, just to make sure I understand, you walked in and realized that the movie was pretty far in and you stayed for the duration of it anyway?

Clotho:Yeah we stayed and we missed the beginning!

Atropos: We went into the one that said 50 shades of grey!

Me: They both would’ve said that because we were showing it in both theaters. Theater 10, which is the number on your stub, however, says “Fifty Shades of Grey 6:30”. It also has a very large “10” on the entrance sign to that theater.


Atropos: It’s playing in MORE THAN ONE THEATER at a TIME? WHYYY????

Me: Yes, it’s a very popular movie and we have 22 theaters so we’re playing it in more than one theater so that we can have a nice variety of times for guests to choose from. But only one theater is labeled Theater 10 which is what your ticket says. I’m not sure that there’s anything they can do for you since we can’t control you going into the wrong theater but I’ll call my manager for you just in case there’s anything she can do.

Lachesis: Well can we have refunds?

Me: Well, no, unfortunately not. I KNOW they won’t do that. We definitely can’t refund since you stayed for the duration of the movie. Had you come out to tell us that the movie was already underway the situation could have been resolved very quickly by alerting you to the fact that you were in the wrong theater. But since you watched most of the movie we can’t refund it.

Atropos: Can we get refunds?

Me: No.

I call my manager and she tells them she can’t give him a refund. They ask again and she tells them again that she cannot give them a refund since they saw the majority of the movie (an hour and 15 minutes of it to be exact). This was inconceivable and unacceptable.

At this point it’s now 8:15.

My manager offers to let them go see the 8:30 50 shades of grey so they can see the beginning and even stay for the whole thing if they want.

Given that they’re a hundred years old, 8:30 was well past their bedtime and they said that they are ready to leave because they don’t want to be out that late…which makes no sense because they were trying to see the 6:30 movie which wouldn’t have ended until 8:50.

At this point I’m baffled by the stupidity.

We may have done more for them, but the tall bitchy one, Lachesis, was very uncooperative and demanding about her own mistake and the middle one, Clotho, finally spoke enough to say that she was “disappointed in us and would never be back to our theater” because she “can’t believe that more than one theater would be showing the same movie at the same time.”.

“Well mam, we have 22 screens and 13 movies. You do the math.”

As they walked away the shortest, Atropos, turned to Clotho and asked “so we went into the wrong theater?”

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