fibs

i have a fake son.
his name is Tim and he is working on his M.S. in astrophysics at Berkeley.
he is devestatingly handsome and enjoys rock climbing and volunteers as a counselor at the local YMCA there in Berkeley, California.
i am so proud of my fake son. i have raised him up in my own head to be such an outstanding member of society.
“Tim” is only brought up when asked about by one particular woman at work that i only see on occasion. i don’t make a habit or game of lying to people, but with her, it kinda came about as follows:
Faye is one of those people who has been there/done that and will hang herself on the cross while she tells you how much worse the experience was for her. i’ve seen this woman Kanye West an 8-month pregnant girl at said girl’s own baby shower to glorify the gift she gave her as well as go into how horrible her labor was with her own children. Faye also is a braggart. her car/purse/house/ring/shoes/etc. all cost more than whatever yours did and her children are all angels.
i was forced to work with Faye for 2 days about 5 years ago. she called me Emily a few times before i finally told her my name is Amy, not Emily. she gave me a sideways glance and said, “I like Emily better”, and since then, she has always called me Emily. i let this go because to get angry with her and tell her off is to see her become dramatic and begin crying and insist she did not mean anything by it while not issuing anything close to an apology. Faye is always right, too, you know.
anyway, when she shut up long enough about herself and her fabulous offspring on the second day, she asked, “Do you have any children, Emily?”
i replied that i do not. she then launched into her daughter taking fertility drugs so that she could give her mother grandchildren someday.
that was the only question she asked me until i saw her about a year later.
“Oh, HI, Emily! How are you?!”
“Hi, Faye…how are you?”
“Wonderful, wonderful. Stephen just graduated from UT. He’s going to be the best doctor ever! How is your son, uh, Tim?”
it took me a second. Tim? son? what the hell is she talking about?!
it dawned on me what a complete narcissist she truly is. she hadn’t heard me the day she asked if i had children, because she didn’t care. she didn’t care enough to call me by my real name, so it wasn’t much of a surprise.
i couldn’t stop myself. i briefly thought about correcting her, but i decided to just go with it.
“Tim is doing so well. He was just accepted to Berkeley after his amazing thesis on planetary nebuli. We are so proud of him.”
her eyes grew big. “Oh, how nice! But, Berkeley? That’s so far from home. UT is an excellent school; surely he could’ve been accepted there?…”
i gave a small chuckle. “Oh, well, they wanted him for sure, Faye. I mean, all the letters he received, practically BEGGING him to study there. But, well, they just don’t have a sufficient astronomy department. UT is a fine school, but not for the subject that Tim is going into. Astrophysics is not something you can study just anywhere, you know.”
her eyes narrowed. “Medicine is what these young people should be going into. Astrophysics? What is that, anyway? How will it contribute to the world?”
“Gosh, I don’t really know how to explain astrophysics, Faye. It’s so mind blowing for simple minds like mine and yours. But searching for things in space that could potentially help our planet is a pretty big deal, I think.”
Faye promptly excused herself. i knew i had gotten her.
i’ve bumped into her on and off throughout the past 5 years and she always told me how her angels were saving the world, especially Stephen, and then she’d ask about Tim. and i made sure my Tim was one step above her Stephen. her face would turn crimson and she would have to abruptly leave.
i saw her as i was leaving work yesterday and she stopped me to wish me a happy Easter.
“Stephen is coming home this holiday. He’s bringing his fiance. She’s a doctor too, you know. How is Tim? Don’t tell me he’s still not graduated?…”
“Oh, Faye, don’t be silly! Astrophysics takes YEARS to graduate from. It’s not as simple as medicine. But, yes, he is close to graduating.”
“Is he coming home for Easter? I can’t imagine spending holidays without my children; how dreadful! Oh, but he’s all the way in California…it costs so much to fly here, I assume.”
I grinned. “Yes, it does. But he’s such a sweetheart, he’s flying me out there this year! Taking a break from his studies and humanitarian efforts to have his dear ol’ Mom around for Easter. I’m so lucky!”
“…yes, well, have a nice time, Emily. Happy Easter!”
“You too, Kay! Oh, I mean Faye!”
you know, like i said before, i don’t like to lie. it does seem very silly to have let this go on for so long. Tim has been a fabrication in the making for over 5 years now, he almost feels real to me.
when i see Faye, i have images of my fake son, looking so handsome in his lab coat as he’s peering into a microscope looking at dust particles from a comet. i see him jogging with his dog on the beach. i see him hiking and biking and climbing. i see him helping an elderly woman with her groceries.
it’s a true testament that if you lie, or let a lie go on for a while, it becomes a solid thing that you have to keep up with.
oddly enough, i don’t lose sleep on this lie. i don’t see her often enough to fib about this on a daily or consistent level. Faye never cared anything about me or my life until she had something to try to one-up me on. SHE is the one losing sleep on account of her Stephen not succeeding quite like my Tim. it’s amazing how this lie has eaten her alive and made me feel proud of something that doesn’t even exist…
eh well.
i’ll be boarding the fake plane to Berkeley this afternoon, to celebrate Easter with my fake son.
Mama’s soooo proud of you, Timmy!

3

very lazy portraits of some of my favorite companions so far

Lipstick: ADULT CRAYONS, FINALLY

so i get a lot of asks about lipstick, because i wear it a lot and talk about it a lot and tend to speak in declarative sentences. but since i usually end up saying basically the same thing, i figured i’d just put it all in one place. 

first of all let me say: i fucking love lipstick. if i had been consulted at the beginning of the world, my top contribution would have been, “make sure society is real chill about everyone wearing lipstick who wants to, regardless of gender. make that a priority. right after that we can address why you felt the need to create cockroaches.”

here are just a few reasons why lipstick is the bomb-dot-com:

  • you can just change!!!! the whole color palette!!! of your face!!!
  • the second you put lipstick on, you are instantly the star of a music video. what’s your jam right now? turn that shit on. look at yourself in the mirror. you’re now in a hella artsy one-shot music video where it’s just you in the mirror looking FRESH. TO. DEATH.
  • remember when you were four-ish and your school or your parents or your one friend with all the nice shit brought out that 64-shade box of crayola crayons and your WHOLE BODY started vibrating because you were SO PUMPED about crayons?
  • lipstick is like that, except you get to put those crayons on your face.
  • don’t act like you didn’t want to rub those crayons all over your face when you were four. 
  • don’t you lie to me. i’m your FIBS. we’re family.

anyway, the point is, wearing lipstick is the best. you should wear whatever color you want, whenever you want, but if you’re feeling ambivalent about it, here’s how i, personally, decide when to wear what.

TWO NOTES:

  • NOTE 1: just because this is how i do it does not mean it is the right or only way to do it. i’ll bet this is not how rosario dawson does it, and lbr, if we could all be more like rosario dawson and less like me, we would be.
  • NOTE 2: if you are of a gender that society likes 2 be a dickbag to about wearing lipstick, and someone is a dickbag to you about wearing lipstick, listen. i will spit in their mouths. okay? you look amazing. you look way better than those dickbags.

LIPSTICK: YOUR GUIDE TO PUTTING CRAYONS ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

REDS

there are two reasons to wear red lipstick. the first is that you want to be and feel so smokin hot that there is not a single person in the world who doesn’t look at you and go, “WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?”

the second is if you wake up and think to yourself, “i would like today to be that gif of obama kicking open a door. just the whole day. fuck you, doors.”

PINKS

pink is to red what a TV episode is to a whole season. pink is mr. darcy saying, “i love you, most ardently,” where red is that scene in brokeback mountain where they do it for the first time.

red hits you over the noggin. pink probably winks at you across the room from the party. you’re like, “WHAT DOES THAT WINK MEAN?”

pink shrugs. “idk,” says pink. “figure it out.”

  • pink probably runs an Aesthetic Blog.
  • you probably follow it, even though as a general rule you hate Aesthetic Blogs.

my point here is that pink can have a hundred thousand different uses and applications, dependent on the shade. nicki minaj wears lots of different pinks. do you feel like you want to be gently pushed on a swing in a meadow by your doting lover, who calls you my sweet? that’s a desperately light pink. do you want to make a point about femininity not being a synonym for weakness? that’s a probably magenta. maybe pastel, but aggressive neon. probably, but not necessarily, matte.

pink is complicated. so are you. embrace pink.

PURPLES

wear purple when you want someone riding a bicycle to crash into a flower stand because they are distracted by your striking beauty while you walk down the street. for this particular feeling, the darker the purple, the better. like the dark purple skin of a perfect plum. nothing says “bored luxury” like plum lipstick.

lighter purples are trickier. lighter purples are great for Nighttime Parties, particularly Nighttime Parties Where You’re Going Out To A Space Designed For Copious Public Drinking. i personally only wear neon purples in clubs–which is to say, i never wear neon purples–but i have a friend who wears them to brunch, and to be honest she brings the hotness of the whole group up an entire level. if you’re wearing neon purple, you are immediately the most important person at the table, so wear it on days when you want to wield that power for good, not evil.

MAROONS

maroon is a Business Lipstick. a Workplace Lipstick. maroon says, “i’m hot as shit, but i’m also incredibly competent.” maroon lipstick says, “i’m not here to talk shit about nancy at the water cooler, todd. i’m here to do my job, and do it better than both of you.”

maroon lipstick says, “yes, you should promote me.”

maroon lipstick says, “I’M AN ADULT. I MIGHT OWN A TOASTER THAT BURNS THE PITTSBURGH PENGUINS LOGO INTO MY BREAD, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I AM AN ADULT.”

  • or, you know. whatever.
  • that’s just an example.

maroon lipstick also goes with pretty much everything. i always keep a tube of maroon lipstick in my purse in case of emergency.

NUDES

“nude” is a complicated question, because it covers such a wide range of skin tones. like, lupita nyong’o and i have wildly different ideas of what color makes our lips “nude.” so this section isn’t really about a color, but more of whatever-color-nude-is-YOUR-color-nude. it’s a category, not a shade.

nudes are good for a lot of occasions. nudes are good for looking like a Hot Young Parent Whose Partner Took The Kids For The Day. nudes are good for “I Just Woke Up Like This.” nudes are good for Sunday Meal With Your Parents. nudes are good for that scene at climax of a romance movie where for some reason you, as the protagonist, are standing in the rain, and you are crying because you’re in love with somebody but something with a capital S has come between you. they’re also good for a montage about you getting shit done in your life, like cleaning your apartment or studying for an exam or packing to leave for a long trip abroad.

i recommend gentle music when you’re wearing nudes. really poetic, emotional shit. joni mitchell. the avett brothers. tracy chapman.

you know what? scratch that. just put on “fast car.” listen to “fast car” on repeat the whole time you’re wearing nudes.

ORANGES

look, i’ll be honest. i don’t know. i don’t trust orange. i’ve seen people look beautiful in orange lipstick but it makes me think they’re hiding something.

are you hiding something? wear orange.

BLUES/GREENS/ANYTHING “WILDLY OUTSIDE THE REALM OF HUMAN FACE COLORS”

there is no right time to wear these colors. there is also no wrong time.* a few examples:

  • it’s the weekend.
  • you just got back from “woofstock,” a dog festival.
  • you genuinely love dubstep (for some reason).
  • you genuinely love the new ryn weaver album (for obvious reasons).
  • fucking todd at work brought in VEGETABLES WITH HUMMUS instead of a cake for his birthday. i mean, it’s your birthday, todd, but like, VEGETABLES WITH HUMMUS???? for your BIRTHDAY??? god, who even raised you.

*a small correction: maybe don’t wear these at funerals. i’d stick with neutrals or maroons at funerals.

A BRIEF ADDITIONAL NOTE

when it comes to applying lipstick in public (rather than, idk, excusing yourself to the bathroom or whatever), i’m of two minds. on the one hand, it pleases me to imagine that people just think that my mouth is always this color, even when there is no conceivable blend of genetics that could render me with a sparkly purple mouth.

on the other hand, like, fuck it, you know? whenever i catch someone watching me apply lipstick in public i kind of feel like that part in the “feeling myself” music video where beyoncé is wearing a chicago bulls one-piece and goes, “i stop the world! world, stop.”

carry on.

how the signs start a conversation

check mercury

aries: boldly ~ aries will come out of nowhere with something to talk about, the conversation will usually be short and quick but full of enthusiasm or new ideas.

taurus: slowly ~ taurus take their time starting conversations mainly because they like to think things over. their practical nature tends to make people listen to them more as a result.

gemini: sporadically ~ much like aries, geminis like to start a conversation randomly and quickly, they often interrupt others because their thoughts are so scattered.

cancer: easily ~ cancers tend to ease into conversations, often beginning with formalities and polite small talk before getting to the main point. they usually are very thoughtful.

leo: loudly ~ regardless of the volume of their voice, a leo’s authority makes it easy for them to be heard. they use creativity and warmth to win the attention of others while also standing out.

virgo: orderly ~ virgos tend to avoid being flashy but still appreciate their intellect being acknowledged. they control conversations by focusing on little details or planning what they have to say.

libra: smoothly ~ libras are diplomatic when it comes to talking and try to please everyone with fair intellect. their charm gets them a large audience but they can seem like a perfectionist with the rants and tangents they go on.

scorpio: urgently ~ scorpios aren’t the most talkative sign but when they want to talk, they try their hardest to get straight to the point. they enjoy observing and discussing more deeper matters.

sagittarius: optimistically ~ they enjoy looking at the big picture and don’t care too much about little details or organization. they tend to have flaws in their arguments due to their scattered thinking, but their enthusiasm can convince many.

capricorn: methodically ~ capricorns tend to start talking slowly, mainly because they need to organize and structure their thoughts. they tend to be skeptical and authoritative.

aquarius: quietly ~ although they enjoy breaking the rules, aquarius tend to quietly slip into conversations without being flashy. they enjoy arguing and often win due to their intellect. this can cause them to push their ideas on others, giving them a subtle authoritative demeanor.

pisces: softly ~ pisces aren’t too concerned with details but will be good listeners. this results in them seamlessly entering conversations with indirect statements or the occasional rambling when they get the chance. they have a tendency to fib in order to avoid offending others.

Touch

Here it is! This is my first oneshot and longest piece yet – please be kind. As always, feedback is welcomed and appreciated. Happy reading! xxh

Request? Yes! 

getting in a fight with harry and you almost break up and you have emotional sex where you’re both crying and stealing kisses and it’s raw and you’re both just so in love and i don’t know meaningful sex is so much better than just getting in each other’s pants when you feel like it – anon

Word count: 4.5k 

Genre: Angst/smut

Pairing: y/n & Harry

It was quite odd how you could feel so alone in a room so full of people.

Music jumping off of the walls, a steady bass thumping in your chest; laughter cutting through the air, cheers every so often as another round was poured out. The energy was addictive, yet you felt as if you were secluded in your own little bubble, away from everyone else and invisible to the party guests.

Harry stood beside you, happily buzzing with a glass of whiskey in hand. His laughs bellowed out from his chest and were much louder than normal – amplified by the alcohol pulsing through his body. He wasn’t drunk, but the extra confidence given to him by the glass he held was very obvious.

He’d turn to you, mouth parted and about to ask a question, but was swiftly pulled away by an eager acquaintance to congratulate him on ‘his big debut in Hollywood!’ or ‘his incredible new music!’. Harry was too kind to just brush off the compliment with a simple “thank you,” and was quickly taken up in another conversation, leaving you alone.

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Sex Worker's Guide to protecting your Identity

Recently, a fellow sugar baby contacted me for help because one of her SD’s ended up being a jealous stalker; obtaining all of her personal info as blackmail. This spurred me to write out this condensed guide to prevent situations like that one or similar ones from happening again.

1) ALWAYS use a fake name, one that’s not similar to your actual name.

2) DON’T carry any forms of ID’s/cards/anything with your name on it when you see a client, ever. Buy a fake license ID with another name so you can still have an ID to show if you get carded to drink when you’re with a sugar daddy. It is illegal to carry certain states fake ID’s, so be careful of which you buy and don’t bring it for an escorting client.

3) NEVER park your car where they can see it or in an area where you need their remote or key access to leave the garage.

4) USE DIFFERENT PICTURES than the ones you use on your personal social media. It takes one search on Google reverse image search to blow open your entire front.

5) Have a fake birthday for your SW persona and remember the astrology sign it comes with.

6) Turn off ALL location services and apps, 10 minutes prior to meeting. I’ve been reading some girls have been outted due to certain social media apps now sharing “who’s around you” features.

7) Don’t give out what school or company you work for. Always lie, and tweak it. The point is to throw off their scent so they have a bunch of small lies they can’t piece together.

8) If possible, use a nickname or an ambiguous name on your own personal social media.

9) DO NOT SEND/SELL ANY PHOTOS OR VIDEOS WITH YOUR FACE IN IT. The only facial ones they should be able to access are the ones online that you can easily claim were stolen.

10) USE A WORK NUMBER. Your personal number is attached to a million and one things.

11) Cash is your best friend.

List of information about yourself to fib:
Birthdate
School
Company you work for
Hometown
Schools you have attended in the past
Name
Year of graduation
Any information pertaining family members

IMPORTANT: Stalkers have an affinity for remembering what seems like trivial (but important) details to piece together your identity later.

Don’t Take Up Spaces that Aren’t Meant for You

I go to use the elevator in a high rise building only to find a sign that says “Please ask security for access to this elevator”. A week ago, that sign wasn’t there. When I ask the security guard why the sudden change in policy, they said that people from other floors in the building had been abusing their access to the elevator and that they needed to lock it down. 

Let me make this perfectly clear: I could no longer independently access the only elevator available to take me to this part of the building because other people decided to use / abuse a space that was not meant for them instead of taking the stairs right next to the fucking elevator.

Here’s another example: In order to have access to an accessible room on a cruise ship, I have to submit a form stating that I do in fact  have a physical disability that prevents me from using a normal state room on the ship. I have to do this because able-bodied people have, in the past, been dishonest about the level of accessibility they require in order to have access to a larger stateroom without having to pay a premium.

How about this one: I go into the restroom of a massive convention center. Every single stall  in this restroom is empty except for the one handicapped stall in the back, which is being occupied by someone who does not need to use a handicapped stall. I now have to wait for that one person to exit the stall before I can use the restroom. Remember: This bathroom has 7+ other stalls that are built specifically to work for them, but they chose  to use the one space that is available to people like me.

Dear able-bodied people: Handicapped bathroom stalls, seating areas, staterooms, and elevators are not meant for you and you should not use them.

I do not care how big of a hurry you were in and how that elevator got you to where you needed to go faster. Because of you, I have to go find someone every time I need to use this elevator and if I can’t find them I GET NOTHING. 

To you, that cruise ship can house 2000+ people and you have an opportunity to get a massive stateroom at no extra cost if you’re wiling to fib a little. To me, that cruise ship has a capacity of around 12 (the number of accessible rooms on the ship) and if they’re all full, I GET NOTHING.

To you, that movie theater has four really great seats right in the middle that just happen to have a handicapped accessible sign on them. To me, that theater has four seats and if they’re all full, I GET NOTHING.

And let me address the bathroom thing in particular. I don’t give a flying fuck if the handicapped stall was the only one available. You should pretend like it doesn’t fucking exist and wait in line like everyone else. *

Don’t take up spaces that were not meant for you. Because everything but those few precious spaces were not meant for us. 


* Unless it’s literally the only stall in the bathroom or you’re about to absolutely shit yourself. Then it’s fine. 

Imagine Stiles gets a job at the FBI but he doesn’t tell them about Derek. One day, Derek comes into the office to give Stiles his phone after he left it at home.

Concerned (and slightly shocked that Stiles is dating a man that looks like a god), they do a background search on Derek, digging up the police reports on the Hale fire, the arrest made on the suspicion of killing Laura, and many other files. They sit Stiles down and practically interrogate him, telling him that Derek is a bad man and suggesting that Derek used his inherited fortune to buy his way out of cases and that he’s actually married (because Derek wears a wedding ring). Stiles snaps and replies, telling them about Kate and how he never once bought his way out of a police investigation. He’s a good man who volunteers at animal showers and leases his old houses out to the homeless and to people who need a home after being evicted on short notice. And he knows Derek’s married because Derek is married to him (he just doesn’t wear a ring because being in his line of profession, if someone sees a ring then they know he’s married and that puts a target on Derek’s back and he doesn’t want that).

Stiles storms off and heads straight home and practically collapses on Derek. Derek tells him it’s okay and when Stiles goes to work the next day with his ring on Derek takes it off and tells him he can have it back when he comes home later because he doesn’t have to change anything for anyone.

the gangsey as scottish tweets
  • gansey: im at the age where people r askin "so what u doin with ur life" n im like mate am genuinely jus here for a laff x
  • blue sargent: issue wi males that think it's acceptable to comment on how a girl looks when she's buzzin am not oot tae be stunnin am oot tae cut mad shapes
  • ronan lynch: i deh trust the dentist when they start talking in code about your teeth to their wee pal, you got suhin to say say it to ma face prick
  • adam parrish: maw n da tryin to shout it ye when ye crack yer phone sayin ye dont look after it aye right fs this hing means more tae me than use do fs
  • noah czerny: had a sick weekend but ad be telling big fibs if a said a didnt feel like a common toe nail
  • henry cheng: imagine the week before yer wedding ye came home fae work early to surprise yer bf and walked in on him wearin bootcut jeans

Sorry, I have no arms to hug you back…

But you know what, it’s actually kind of hard to hug someone who isn’t all there.

This was a test to see how well I can work with lighting.
Well, HAHAHA
Back to the basics with me!  I have a lot to learn with this mess!
and this could be an excuse to see napstablook smile sorry ha ha

Not This Time Pt. 2

Summary: After a blowout fight, Billy has to find a way to make things right with his girl.

Authors Note: This is long. Very long… Like… five pages long. I was listening to The Last Time by Taylor Swift when I wrote this… Now that I’m reading it back, I don’t really see how much the song actually influenced the way I wrote it, but it’s a good song period. So listen to it. Even if you don’t like Taylor Swift, you’ll like this song. 

I have decided that I’m going to take requests! I really have a hard time writing them, though! Maybe I’ll reblog some prompts and you can send them in. 

Thanks for the love on the first part of this! I love you guys! All feedback is appreciated (even if you hated it)

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

(Part 1 HERE)

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