festivus-pole

Mistletoe Kisses

So with the influx of asks about mistletoe kisses, @saintlyguy has constructed this wonderful masterpiece to appease all you little Fallout elves…so give the guy some lovin and enjoy his work!

P.S. I love what you did with Cait and Piper’s, I needed something to smile about today and that most certainly did the trick so thanks again man <3

Ada: Our cyan painted bot has little exposition to what good is left in the Commonwealth. Mostly she’s witnessed heinous acts; murder, theft and downright anarchy. She’s unfamiliar with simple joys like sunsets and stargazing, so culture shock was an understatement when she discovered the holidays. Christmas, Kwanza, New Years and whatnot; this bot was going to get in on this “holly” and “jolly” with Sole’s help. They were fine painting her with candycane stripes and equipping her with an eggnog dispenser, but they wouldn’t stop giggling while tying a leaf to her antennae. “What’s this?” Apparently this plant requires people to kiss when undernea- *smooch*…

ERROR 404 CAN’T PROPERLY PROCESS JOY! WINDOWS IS SHUTTING DOWN!

Cait: When she first opened up to Tamara about her parents, Cait knew she was special. When the same vault dweller saved her from psycho, she fell in love. So you can tell how much it meant to her when the two hooked up. Hand holding, kissing, love making and sharing everything. It was December and Tamara shared her Holiday traditions from pre-war: gift giving, eggnog and the such. But the one thing that caught Cait’s attention was the mistletoe: a plant that forces you to kiss somebody? I-D-E-A. On Christmas Morning, Tamara woke up alone to find a red ribbon trailing out of her room. She followed it to find Cait wrapped in the very same ribbon and nothing else under the mistletoe. With a single finger, Cait got Tamara on her quick. The two embraced in deep French Kiss. Cait pulled back, grabbed the mistletoe and placed it between her legs. “Why don’t you show me those Australian Kisses I love? C'mon, the mistletoe is right there.”

Curie: The holidays were the only times la demoiselle was happy during her time as a Ms.Nanny in Vault 88. She cherished traditions such as Secret Santa and yelling around the Festivus Pole. Oh yes the scientist was able to take part in such festivities despite lacking an organic body. All except for the mistletoe. Curie was envious of her fellow scientists for being able to actually live and breathe. She was even more jealous of the simple pleasures of emotions and exchanging feelings. Now with new flesh and a friend who’s willing to stand by her, Curie clipped a mistletoe into her hair then went to find Sole. Approaching the vault dweller, Curie gave an attention seeking yoo-hoo; Sole spotted the mistletoe and giggled. “Couldn’t wait for me to set one up cou-” Sole was silenced by Curie’s smooth and sweet lips on their’s. Oooooh… tongue.

Codsworth: The faithful servant only was only able to celebrate one Christmas with Sole and their family before the bombs. He could remember the joyous atmosphere having Sole’s parents, siblings, cousins and even their in-laws(!) over for a party. It was that same party, Codsworth was able to see Sole’s romantic side; catching them, as kid would describe “making out” underneath a mistletoe. Now its 200+ years later and the pre-war pair are keeping the holidays alive! Sole went out looking for wrapping paper while Codsworth decorated their house. As Codsworth went to hang a plastic mistletoe under an arch, he felt the warm embrace of his master’s lips on his optic. *sigh* Truly there’s no place like home for the holidays. And home is with Sole.

Danse: Soldier boy has only seen the holidays as an opportunity to increase morale amongst the Brotherhood. It’s nice and he’s always appreciated the traditions the scribes would share, like the Fruitcake and the Dradle. The one tradition that stood out was the mistletoe; Danse couldn’t believe how many soldiers tried to get a kiss from Captain Kells and Proctor Ingram, only to get swollen lips instead of receiving another pair. Although Haylen did use it to give him a smooch (also that one time when he accidently caught Maxson under one and got a peck on the cheek). Feeling the colder weather and the change in music on Diamond City Radio, Danse crafted a mistletoe out of scrap metal and welded onto his armor. The very first person he’d want to share this with was Sole, his comrade and closest friend. In his haste to catch them, Danse didn’t realize his fusion core was drained and he was frozen; out in the cold. Shit. Calling for help, Sole came to the rescue and saw the mistletoe and Danse’s predicament. Golden opportunity: Sole gathered all their other friends who are willing at least give Danse an eskimo kiss for a kissing train! One by one, Sole’s friends gave Danse something of a kiss, just not on the mouth. When it was Sole’s turn, Danse couldn’t wait! Closer…closer…eyes closed… PSYCH! He got curbed. Just then Sole freed Danse from his power armor, pulled him out, dipped him then finally gave the beefcake a deep kiss.

Deacon: It’s the holidays, so you can bet this spy has got something in mind. What does the Railroad find more annoying than Deacon? Physical contact with Deacon; and what could be more worse than a kiss from Deacon? The man then hooked two mistletoe earrings one on each ear. The first to fall victim was Carrington, who went on screaming about contracting different diseases from him. Next was Drummer Boy, then Tinker Tom who obliged gleefully. Then a reluctant Desdemona and a near death encounter with Glory. There was just one person left: Sole. T'was the night before Christmas and Deacon laid in front of a fireplace clad in only a loose bathrobe and two mistletoes by each ear. Sole came in to the man licking his lips and loosening his robe. They laid down next to him and showered whatever exposed skin with sensual smooches. The two proceeded to snuggle in front of the fire.

Dogmeat: The hound had just gobbled down a steak and went to find his master. “THERE THEY ARE! WITH RED LADY! Why are they eating each other? KISSIES!! I NEED KISSIES!!” Dogmeat squeezed in between Piper and Sole, with attention seeking eyes. “Of course you can have one too boy.” Dogmeat got a kiss on his snout, which was countered by his licking. “MORE PLEASE!”

Gage: Ever since the boss has stolen his heart just as they had stolen from settlements, Gage wanted to show his love wherever he can. His words weren’t good, so he figured his actions would work even better. The holidays were here, so he needed something that will make the boss absolutely swoon. After hearing from the slaves about something about a “missile toe.” Gage had a plan. Sole was pleasantly surprised to see he had cleaned out the tunnel of love at Nuka World! The two went on a romantic ride along the water. Hanging at the end was a rocket tied to a super mutant’s foot. Wtf. “Well would you look at that. A ‘missle toe;’ well a foot, super mutant feet are hard to cut. Kiss me ya fool.” Whatever. “At least he’s trying.” Sole thought.

Hancock: As mayor with the ideal of “Of the people For the people” John had to be a Man of the people. So he made sure everyone found some type of happiness in Goodneighbor, especially around the holidays. Last year, he stuffed his shirt with pillows and went around dressed like Santa Claus. This year he went around with a mistletoe in his hat. Everyone gave the mayor a smooch. Few actually kissed him on the mouth (Magnolia, Kent and Deacon). But he had something special for Sole. Calling them to his bed Hancock stripped except for a mistletoe between his pruny cheeks (not on his face ;) ). As Sole entered and slammed the door, the following escaped his mouth: “Kiss. My. Ass.” And Sole obliged.

Longfellow: Surprising Longfellow knew little of the holidays. He knew about Santa, lighting  a Kinara and above all eggnog. When he saw Sole fuss over being under the mistletoe, he asked what it meant. “Wait. You gotta kiss whoever you’re with? Sorry, it’s kinda awkward. No offense.” Instead Longfellow pulled out a flask and shared it with Sole. Nothing wrong with sharing drinks and an indirect kiss with friends right?

MacCready: During his time as mayor of Little Lamplight, Mac had to give the toddlers something that can be a holiday. Whether it was gift giving, caroling, or just ringing sleighbells. The one thing Mac held onto as an adult was the mistletoe. Not only was it a good opportunity for a free smooch, Duncan loved it. So when he brought Sole with him to the Capital to see his son for Christmas, he knew he needed it. As he held his son, he reached into his pocket- it’s not there. Mac swore he put it in before they left the Commonwealth- wait it’s right there. Hanging from Sole’s hand over him, them and Duncan. After a long kiss, the two proceeded to shower Duncan with lots of mistletoe kisses.

Nick: This old gumshoe knew as much about the holidays as Sole and Codsworth, so he had an advantage when it came to being a smooth lover during the holidays. The first thing he thought of: the mistletoe. He’d formulated a plan to catch Sole under it. One night at Sole’s house, Nick brought a holotape that will get both of 'em swinging and swaying. He started “I really can’t stay” Sole immediately joined in “Baby It’s Cold Outside"  "I’ve Got to go 'way.” “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” The two went on and found themselves entwined in each other. “Get over that hold out” Together and embracing in a deep kiss “Baby it’s cold out-” *smooch* mmmmm…

Piper: Once again Diamond City was lit up as the Glowing Sea with colors of red and green. The reporter of Public Occurrences had waited all year for this: gifts, carols and the ultimate opportunity to confess to her Blue, Tamara. She wasn’t sure how she came up with this extreme plan, but she knew it could swoon Blue over. While Nat was at a Christmas Party, Piper had invited Tamara over to her place “for sweets.” Blue entered the dark building and found candles leading her to a room. O'Holy Crap. Piper in a thong and nipple pasties with mistletoes. “What was that song Blue, 'I saw Piper kissing Tamara’?” No more words were needed, Blue was all Piper’s from that day forward. The night wasn’t so silent.

Preston: “Merry Christmas, babe.” After losing almost everything and having his faith restored after meeting Sole, Garvey had plenty to be thankful for during the holidays. Not only for saving the Commonwealth and the Minutemen, but for saving him. Preston borrowed a mistletoe from Mama Murphy (which smells dank) after hearing about the kissing tradition from Deacon. Preston went to hover the plant between him and Sole but couldn’t due to the amount of settlers asking Sole for help. (Another settler needs Sole’s help; how you like that Preston!) Annoyed, Preston used a spike gun to launch the mistletoe onto the wall near Sole. Then he stormed through the settlers to embrace Sole’s lips. Someone else can help them, just for today.

Strong: This super mutant paid no mind to the merrymaking during the holidays. The only thing that caught his attention was the FOOD. Sole gave him a feast of assorted Deathclaw and raider meat. As Strong ate to his heart’s content, Sole sneaked a peck onto his cheek with a mistletoe. “DON’T EAT STRONG! PLENTY OF HUMAN MEAT FOR LEADER!”

X6-88: The Institute not only preserves purity, it maintains culture. X6 has seen his share of holiday traditions such as the lighting of the Menorah. He never thought he’d need any of these merrymakings until he befriended the new director. Even developing strange feelings for them. So when he saw them carolling, X6 pulled a prestine mistletoe, walked up behind them and kissed them on the forehead. “Not enough Mr. X” Sole then brought him into a passionate kiss, ON THE MOUTH!

Sexually Assaulted by Christmas

The holiday spirit touched me

in ways prosecutors point

to rag dolls in court,

violated by spastic twinkle lights

Morse coding consumption

on the occipital lobe before

coating my stomach with eggnog

spiked with peppermint scripts

and  twerking on the

family Festivus pole,

blackout nightmares follow

of white-haired daddies

laughing over candy cane

insertion and snow baths

that never make me

feel clean from Christmas.

-Jonathan Flike

5

Happy Festivus for the rest of us!

We commemorate this day with the traditional Festivus customs:

  • We have our Festivus Pole, an aluminum flagpole once used in the Roosevelt’s Hyde Park home, Springwood.
  • For Festivus Dinner we have a Soya meatloaf. This WWII era poster claims that if you use Soya you use up to 25% less beef. Yum!
  • Of course we have the Airing of Grievances. Not every American was a fan of the Roosevelts and they often wrote to the President and First Lady to make their feelings known. The first letter from Miss Todd of New York makes it clear that no one wants to hear about Fala’s love life. In the second from Mr. Phipps of Milwaukee, he calls FDR a “smiling, wasteful, and fickle Prima Donna politician.” Ouch.
  • Festivus is not over until the head of the household has been bested in a Feat of Strength! In this photo from July 1925, Anna Roosevelt has her mother Eleanor pinned on the lawn of Val-Kill.

We hope you have a great Festivus! Come to the Roosevelt Library and see our temporary exhibit The Spirit of the Gift: Gifts of State and Affection. The exhibit has been extended through January 3, 2016. It’s a Festivus Miracle!

5

Rand Paul’s HAPPY FESTIVUS tweets go after rivals

He’s got a lot problems with these people, and now you’re going to hear about it!

It may not help him rise in the polls – maybe he should have used a Festivus pole, right? – but Sen. Rand Paul certainly gets a nod for creativity for using the tradition that began as a hilarious “Seinfeld” episode to take shots at his political rivals. 

Read and see more at MSNBC.com.