fertile fact

Reasons why some may not like "Blessed Be"

1,) It’s history:

Wicca is a fertility religion. The fact that “Blessed Be” stems from a ritual referencing sex and fertility should not be surprising. But for those who do not know where the phrase stems from, it comes from this ritual called The Five-fold Kiss:


“FIVE FOLD KISS FEMALE

The High Priest kneels before the High Priestess and gives her the Five Fold Kiss; that is, he kisses her on both feet, both knees, womb, both breasts, and the lips, starting with the right of each pair. He says, as he does this:

"Blessed be thy feet, that have brought thee in these ways.
Blessed be thy knees, that shall kneel at the sacred altar.
Blessed be thy womb, without which we would not be.
Blessed be thy breasts, formed in beauty.
Blessed be thy lips, that shall utter the Sacred Names.”

For the kiss on the lips, they embrace, length-to-length, with their feet, touching each others. When he reaches the womb, she spreads her arms wide, and the same after the kiss on the lips.

FIVE FOLD KISS MALE

The High Priestess kneels before the High Priest and gives him the
Five Fold Kiss; that is, she kisses him on both feet, both knees, phallus, both breasts, and the lips, starting with the right of each pair. she says, as she does this:

“Blessed be thy feet, that have brought thee in these ways.
Blessed be thy knees, that shall kneel at the sacred altar.
Blessed be thy phallus, without which we would not be.
Blessed be thy breasts, formed in strength.
Blessed be thy lips, that shall utter the Sacred Names.”

For the kiss on the lips, they embrace, length-to-length, with their feet touching each others. When she reaches the phallus, he spreads his arms wide, and the same after the kiss on the lips.“

Even if you don’t realize you’re referencing this, people can be reminded of it simply by you saying "Blessed Be”, and it can make them uncomfortable. In this case, listen to them and don’t fucking say it.

2.) They are uncomfortable with unsolicited religious blessings

Undoubtedly, Blessed Be is a blessing tied with religion. People who are not part of that religion, or are without religion completely, may not want to receive any sort of blessing from a religion that is not theirs. Same goes for people who say “God bless” to those who are not of an Abrahamic religion (since God inevitably is tied to YHWH in the west). This is just rude to do

3.) Its ties to the Wiccan God and Goddess

Like the “God bless” example listed above, many people associate “Blessed Be” with a blessing from the Wiccan Lord and Lady.

If someone is dedicated to a deity, and only wants interactions and blessings from that specific deity, then the blessing of deities from another pantheon would be unwanted and intrusive. This can be supremely annoying when one wants NOTHING to do with the Wiccan Lord and Lady.

So if someone says they would prefer you not say “Blessed Be” to them: listen to them. They’re not being “Wiccan-phobes”. They likely have a valid reason to request you refrain from blessing them. Just fucking listen to them

And remember, a secular blessing like “have a nice day” works just fine.

anonymous asked:

Could you share some information about the norns and the threads of fate? I normally leave my fate in the hands of the Gods and I'm now curious about the sisters.

Velkomin(n), vinur minn,
(Welcome, my friend,)

There are three norns who dwell beneath the world tree, Yggdrasil, and they are the most famous: Urðr (Fate), Verðandi (Being), and Skuld (Necessity).(1) There are others, however, and they each can have various roles, although generally centered around fate, childbirth, fertility, and “the protection of hearth and home.”(2) Those that are related to the gods “visit everyone when they are born to shape their lives.”(3) Their kinship with the gods, and with the divine in general, seems to be a bit of an obscurity. There are several other norns, though, which stem from the álfar (Elves) and even the dvergar (Dwarves), which is told to us in Fáfnismál:

“From very different tribes I think the norns come,
they are not of the same kin;
some spring from the Æsir, some from the elves,
some are daughters of Dvalin.”(4)

Snorri’s Prose Edda leads us to believe that the norns who govern fate are those of the Æsir: Urðr, Verðandi, and Skuld. Yet, it seems likely that the norns were far more regionally diverse, especially given their connection with localized fertility beings like álfar, and perhaps even with landvættir (land-spirits). The role of these women seems to play most heavily into that of fertility and childbirth, since that is when a child is to be given its fate. All of the roles mentioned above relate to each other during the time of childbirth, which would have occurred in the household — a very localized place. There is an example of this from Volsunga saga, in which norns come during the birth of Helgi, but they are not the three that reside among the Æsir (as suggested by the use of the indefinite rather than the definite — ‘norns’, rather than ’the norns’):

“…when Helgi was born, Norns came to set his destiny, saying that he would become the most famous of all kings.”(5)

Although Snorri says that the norns of the Æsir are the ones who “shape men’s lives”,(6) I suspect that the Norse would have considered otherwise, believing instead that local norns, those related more closely to the álfar, and perhaps the dvergar as well, were responsible for the fate bestowed upon themselves and their children. As they gave offerings to the landvættir for the prosperity of their farm and livestock,(7) so too could they have given offerings to ‘household’ norns for a prosperous life. The three named norns of the Æsir just seem to be a bit too specific for such a variety-rich and regionally-diverse religion. They do, however, symbolize and represent the norns as a whole quite well.


The norns share roles with various major deities, such as Frigg, Freyja, and even Odin, to some extents. Frigg actually knows the fate of all, although she does not bestow it as the norns do:

“Frigg knows, I think, all fate,
though she herself does not speak out.”(8)

Freyja governs the fertility of women, and yet the norns determine the fate of the children that they give birth to. In fact, both Frigg and Freyja are called upon during childbirth, as the poem Oddrúnargrátr suggests when Borgny is in labor:

“May the kindly beings help you,
Frigg and Freyja and more of the gods,
as you warded off that dangerous illness from me.”(9)

Despite this overlapping, the norns still have a unique role. Although they help ensure a successful birth, Frigg and Freyja do not decide that child’s fate.

Furthermore, Odin decides who lives and who dies in battle, and even Freyja has a choice in the matter herself, and yet the norns have already decided this long before they went to battle. A famous poem from Njal’s Saga has much to tell of both the valkyries and the norns during the Battle of Clontarf, which took place in Ireland in 1014. This poem tells of the valkyries coming for the slain (and it is mentioned that even they chose who lives and dies), all while maintaining the metaphor of weaving fabric on a loom with their guts, which is very characteristic of the norns, but with a battle-reddened flare:

“A wide harp

warns of slaughter;

blood rains

from the beam’s cloud.

A spear-grey fabric

is being spun,
which the friends (valkyries)
of Randver’s slayer (killed by Odin himself)
will fill out

with a red weft.



The warp is woven

with warriors’ guts,

and heavily weighted

with the heads of men.

Spears serve as heddle rods,

spattered with blood;

iron-bound is the shed rod,

and arrows are the pin beaters;

we will beat with swords

our battle web.

Hild sets to weaving
and Hjorthrimul
and Sanngrid and Svipul, (names of the valkyries)
with swords drawn. 

Shafts will splinter,

shields shatter;

the dog of helmets

devours shields.

We wind and wind

the web of spears

which the young king

has carried on before.

Let us go forth

amongst the fighters

when our dear ones

deal out blows.

We wind and wind

the web of spears,

and then stand by

our stalwart king.

Gunn and Gondul,

who guarded the king,

saw the bloody shields

of the brave men.

We wind and wind

the web of spears,

there where the banners

of bold men go forth;

we must not let

his life be lost —

valkyries decide

who dies or lives.

The men who inhabited

the outer headlands

will now be leaders

in the lands.

I declare the mighty king

doomed to death.

The earl has fallen

in the face of the spears.

And the Irish will

endure an evil time
which will never lessen

as long as men live.

Now the web is woven

and the war-place reddened;

the lands will learn

of the loss of men.

Now it is gruesome

to gaze around,

as blood-red clouds

cover the sky;

the heavens will be garish

with the gore of men

while the slaughter-wardens

sing their song.

Our pronouncement was good

for the young prince;

sound of mind

we sing victory songs.

May he who listens

learn from this

the tones of spear-women

and tell them to men.

Let us ride swiftly

on our saddle-less horses

hence from here,

with swords in hand.”(10)

It is not surprising, though, to have such overlapping roles, and they are not meant to contradict. Why give offerings to the landvættir for a farm’s prosperity when one could give those offerings to Freyr instead? Well, Freyr can bring rain and sunshine, but the landvættir inhabit the very land that needs those ingredients for growth; they must be willing to share their prosperity. The same goes for the norns. Although Freyja grants female fertility, the norns can still play a role in protecting and guiding that fertility through childbirth. The fact that the norns share roles with the gods shows that there is a great deal of interwoven complexity in the completion of their tasks; many forces are at work in this world, and even the gods are subject to them (Ragnarok).

In the end, there is no decisive answer for what the norns are, nor for what their roles and boundaries may be. It seems that the norns intermingle in many of the gods’ tasks, but that fate is their primary domain, especially during childbirth. The most important aspect to remember about them, though, is that there are more than the three that Snorri mentions. The Norse likely would have considered them to be localized deities, perhaps even unique to each community or household, or perhaps even abstract entities with no locative affiliation, rather than the same three that dwell among the Æsir.


I hope my insights were what you were seeking. As for the threads of fate, some believe that was influence from Greek mythology.(11) I would be happy to write more on this topic. I could have written much more, but this should suffice for now. If you need anything else, please do not hesitate to ask!

Með vinsemd og virðingu,
(With friendliness and respect,)
Fjörn


ENDNOTES:
1. H.R. Ellis Davidson, Gods and Myths of Northern Europe (repr., 1964; London: Penguin Books, 1990), 26.
2. Ibid., 112-13. The Germans and Celts both worshipped female deities that had similar roles as the norns, and so although they are not always regarded by the name ‘norn’, their roles suggest that they were linked in some way. In Germany, Holland, and Britain, for example, these deities were known as ‘the mothers’, and they were often depicted in groups of three.
3. Snorri Sturluson, Edda, translated by Anthony Faulkes (repr., 1987; London: Everyman, 1995), 18.
4. Carolyne Larrington trans., The Poetic Edda (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2014), 155.
5. Jesse L. Byock trans., The Saga of the Volsungs (London: Penguin Classics, 1999),47.
6. Snorri, 18.
7. There is a case of this in Landnámabók, the Icelandic Book of Settlements, where a man name Thorstein Red-Nose “used to make sacrifices to the waterfall and all the left-overs had to be thrown into it.” (Hermann Pálsson and Paul Edwards trans., The Book of Settlements: Landnámabók (repr., 1972; Winnipeg, Canada: University of Manitoba Press, 2012), 134.) As a result of his offerings, the landvættir gave him 2400 sheep and even the gift of foresight.
8. Larrington, 85. (Lokasenna, stanza 29, lines 3 and 4.)
9. Ibid., 200. (Oddrúnargrátr, stanza 9.)
10. Robert Cook trans., Njal’s Saga (London: Penguin Classics, 2001), 303-7.
11. Lee M. Hollander trans., The Poetic Edda (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2014), 4. (Footnote 17)


DISCLAIMER | TOP ASKS | ALL ASKS

My parents have come and gone, and we now have a new tree, and my husband had to go buy a new inhaler.

To expand on this story: my father, who is a retired nurseryman (that’s plants not babies), got Very Excited when I casually mentioned that we would maybe, perhaps, in the future, like to have an orange or a lemon tree (our backyard came sort of mostly landscaped but with these weird? dirt? circles? outlined with dividers and such, so clearly there was supposed to be a plan, but it never materialized?), because I like baking and we like cocktails and orange zest and fresh orange juice etc would be nice, but we just (like literally last week) got the front yard landscaped, so we weren’t thinking about anything more just yet.

So my family (my parents + my fabulous world-traveler lesbian great-aunts) came over this weekend.

So my father, in the 90+ degree heat, decided that he was going to take Awesome Husband to a nursery and buy an orange tree and plant it! Yes! Father + son-in-law bonding!

I should mention that Awesome Husband, who is a computer engineer, has massive allergies to most outdoor things. We had fake flowers at our wedding, for the few flower components we even had - we had centerpieces made out of comic books.

They came home with a half whiskey barrel for future planting, a navel orange tree that is apparently going to get up to fifteen feet tall, and five bags of soil. My father, according to Awesome Husband, at one point said, “Come get in here!” and stuck his whole arms, both of them up to the elbows, into potting soil. Awesome Husband apparently stared at him in horror and said “NO.” On the other hand, Awesome Husband scored points by remembering and rattling off facts about fertilizer, sun, soil consistencies, etc, when asked later. They also found (from WHERE???) some old railroad ties and built a little two-level shelf sort of thing for displaying my succulents.

Awesome Husband came inside, proceeded to run upstairs, proceeded to run back downstairs, and informed me that he needed a new inhaler. So we zoomed over to CVS. (He’s fine. No worries.)

So, my husband has (probably?) demonstrated his willingness to Be A Good Son-In-Law, at the temporary cost of his own well-being, and now we have an orange tree.

The Long Road to Improbable

by: mldrgrl
Rating: NC-17
Summary: What if the flashbacks in Per Manum dated back to season 5?  What happened between then and Requiem?

Thank you to @sunflowerseedsandscience for being a second pair of eyes for me!

One day, you’ll ask me to speak of a truth - of the miracle of your birth. To explain what is unexplained. And if I falter or fail on this day, know there is an answer, my child, a sacred imperishable truth, but one you may never hope to find alone. Chance meeting your perfect other, your perfect opposite - your protector and endangeror. Chance embarking with this other on the greatest of journeys - a search for truths fugitive and imponderable. If one day this chance may befall you, my son, do not fail or falter to seize it. The truths are out there. And if one day you should behold a miracle, as I have in you, you will learn the truth is not found in science, or on some unseen plane, but by looking into your own heart. And in that moment you will be blessed - and stricken. For the truest truths are what hold us together, or keep us painfully, desperately apart. - Dana Scully “Trust No 1”

Her daughter was dead.  A child, her child, that was, as Mulder said, ‘never meant to be.’  She could never really wrap her head around it.  She didn’t feel like a mother, and that was perhaps the most distressing part of it.  Losing her before she ever got to hold her, rock her, read her bedtime stories, kiss her tears away after a bad dream, love her.  She did love her, though.  In a distant, cerebral way.  She told herself she loved her, but she never quite felt it.

Hallucinating her dead daughter during an autopsy was the last straw.  Emily, with her wet blue eyes, whispering, “Mommy, please.”  It made her recognize that there was an ache inside her for something more, something her career couldn’t fulfill.  There was a small, baby-shaped hole in her heart, and in the days, weeks, months after Emily’s death, it had grown bigger and needier, and achier.  Emily had never called her Mommy, and never would, but she wasn’t ready to give up on the idea that no one ever would.

Keep reading

Genetics and Evolution of Magic

Exploring

  • How humans became magical
  • Our evolutionary relationship with fellow magical creatures. 
  • The genes responsible for being magical and how they are inherited
  • The existence of squibs and and unusual explanation for Muggleborns.

Magic will always be magic and the beauty is that it does not follow the laws of science or logic. It is something wild, unexplained and unknowable, but given this blog is all about semantics: I say to hell with beauty, let’s douse Magic in science and see what strange hybrid ideas are produced!



The Origins of Magic

The most basic fact we know about Magic in the Harry Potter universe is that it is inherited.It is not an acquired skill like being able to ride a bike; it is mostdefinitely a genetic trait. Therefore somewhere in the humangenome sits one or more genes that make people magical.

In the Harry Potter universe humans are not the only wielders ofmagic. In fact there are many species sentient or otherwise, who have theability to access and in some cases consciously control magic. However, theirmagic appears to be innate and of the wandless variety. Wands, it appears, are a very human necessity.

Humans can perform wandless magic too; Harry blew up his aunt, Dumbledore summons food to the tables at the Great Hall and Voldemort possesses people. Wandless magic is possible but it is definitely not something that is common or easy to perform. In fact you may need to be a very powerful wizard/witch in order to manage it.

This shows us that humans are not innately magical beings. We do not channel magic in the same natural way as House-elves do; Dobby could throw Lucius Malfoy across the room with a snap of his fingers. In fact the vast majority of the human species are not magical in anyway. They cannot perceive all beings of the magical realm, nor can they channel any magic.

Thus it is less likely that magic first arose as a spontaneous mutation, and more likely that the genetic material which gives people the ability to channel magic is not innately part of the human genome at all but introduced from another source. 

This means that unlike other magical creatures we have not evolved with magic, it is in effect an intruder into our evolutionary story.


Keep reading

Omega Verse - An Embarrassing Problem (3/3)

I’d like to thank both God and the Devil for having lectures late in the day tomorrow, because this is what I’ve been doing this whole weekend. Enjoy! :D

Read the first two chapters HERE ^=^

TW: Non-con medical stuff, milking, dildos, nipple licking, restraints, enema, breeding, knotting, voyeurism, gags, male lactation, mpreg references.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Do you think there is any chance that Jeyne Westerling is pregnant with Robb's child, or is that just a crackpot theory that I heard?

Thanks for the question, Anon.

No, Jeyne is not pregnant, and the “Heir to the North” theory is almost certainly not actually going to be a thing (unless GRRM decides to throw everything out the window in TWOW).

Catelyn is very insistent in ASOS on Jeyne giving Robb an heir, which Jeyne thinks she has all wrapped up:

“Jeyne,” she called after, “there’s one more thing Robb needs from you, though he may not know it yet himself. A king must have an heir.”

The girl smiled at that. “My mother says the same. She makes a posset for me, herbs and milk and ale, to help make me fertile. I drink it every morning. I told Robb I’m sure to give him twins. An Eddard and a Brandon. He liked that, I think. We… we try most every day, my lady. Sometimes twice or more.” The girl blushed very prettily. 

But then we find out something about Sybell Spicer’s attitude toward this in AFFC:

“As you will.” Jaime turned to the daughter. “I am sorry for your loss. The boy had courage, I’ll give him that. There is a question I must ask you. Are you carrying his child, my lady?”

Jeyne burst from her chair and would have fled the room if the guard at the door had not seized her by the arm. “She is not,” said Lady Sybell, as her daughter struggled to escape. “I made certain of that, as your lord father bid me.” 

Lest anyone think that Sybell’s mother was being deceptive about “making certain” Jeyne was not pregnant, the GRRM-sanctioned A World of Ice and Fire app explicitly says what Sybell was doing, in her and Jeyne’s entires:

Sybell then keeps her daughter supplied with potions and possets that will keep her from conceiving, all the while claiming the opposite.

Innocent of her mother’s plot, Jeyne regularly takes a posset her mother gives her after the marriage, which Sybell claims will promote fertility but in fact prevents her from conceiving.

All the silliness started, of course, because some readers noted that there seemed to be a difference in the way Catelyn and Jaime describe Jeyne’s hips:

Slender, but with good hips, Catelyn noted. She should have no trouble bearing children, at least

She had narrow hips, breasts the size of apples, a mop of chestnut curls, and the soft brown eyes of a doe. Pretty enough for a child, Jaime decided, but not a girl to lose a kingdom for.

To some readers, this discrepancy indicated that the Jeyne Jaime saw was no true Jeyne, but her younger sister, Eleyna. However, this conclusion seems more fan wish than a logical realization. First, it must be noted that this would hardly be the first error GRRM has allowed to creep into these works: I pointed out the other day how in the same novella the Old Ox is called alternately “Theomore” and “Buford”, and how the Lady Forlorn wielded by Robar II Royce was mistakenly called Valyrian steel; hell, in AGOT - the very book where the genetic disposition of Baratheons to have black hair and blue eyes is a focal plot point - Lord Renly is described as having green eyes. There also happens to be a secondhand GRRM SSM in which he confirmed the hips discrepancy was a mistake (an assertion reiterated by Elio and Linda Garcia, co-authors of TWOIAF).

Even in universe, it makes little sense how this theory could be true. Tywin Lannister explicitly almost smiles when Tyrion wonders why the Westerlings would betray the Lannisters, is untroubled by the news of the marriage, and notes that the Spicers “are well aware of Castamere” - all indications that Tywin had arranged with Sybell to undermine Robb’s campaign by ensuring he and Jeyne would have no children. If we are to suppose the Jeyne-Eleyna switch is correct, and that (as the popular telling would have it) Jeyne escaped with Brynden Tully, we have to then allow that a several months pregnant highborn young woman (this helpful, if approximate, fan timeline would make her, at the very earliest, roughly 4-5 months along) would be able to swim under the Riverrun portcullis and down the Red Fork and then live as a refugee in a war-torn area. 

And just think about it from a story standpoint. Even if Jeyne Westerling were pregnant, how long, chronologically, are TWOW and ADOS going to take? A decade and a half - long enough to make that child relevant to the main story? Robb’s posthumous child would be, at most, a toddler when the story ended, with no hope of doing anything meaningful with Winterfell. That’s not clever writing, that’s lazy fan fiction to keep “Robb’s heir” alive. 

No, this theory needs to die the death it should have died some years ago.

The Queen Regent (NFriel)

3

Meet Martynia annua. This plant is often called the “Devil’s Claw” because of its small, 2-pronged seed pods that attach themselves (often painfully) to larger animals. It is a member of the proto-carnivorous Proboscidea family, and as such, every single surface of this plant is covered in sticky hairs. That, combined with a constantly emitted fungal smell, attracts many small/weak insects. Those bugs are captured, die, and are digested by Martynia’s best friends–Cyrtopeltis bugs. Cyrtopeltis is immune to the sticky nature of Martynia, and in fact “fertilizes” the plant with its droppings! Combine that with Martynia’s beautiful flowers and the fact that it is a “lost crop”–it’s immature seed pods can be picked and eaten like okra (apparently they taste like garlic-y okra)–and you have one cool plant!!

In My Life (1/4)

mpreg!blaine, a very surprised Kurt and their journey to parenthood. This is complete and will be posted once a day as I edit. NC-17 but not this part. From an anonymous prompt that I expanded on (just a tad.)

For about thirty seconds, all Kurt can hear is the rushing of blood and panicked pounding of his heart. Blaine is still talking, Kurt knows, because his lips are moving and his hands are wildly gesturing, but Kurt lost his ability to comprehend any type of communication, verbal or otherwise, right after the word pregnant came out of Blaine’s mouth.

“…and I guess with the wedding and school starting back up and moving to our own place I just didn’t think about the possibility of it. Such a cliche to get pregnant on our honeymoon,” Blaine says, rambling on with his words starting to run together and his voice going high-pitched and breathy. “Well, sort of.”

There’s that word again. Pregnant.

“I don’t- I can’t- I’m just-” The whooshing of blood starts again and Kurt has to close his eyes and take several deep, cleansing breaths. Even still, the only thing he can come up with in response is, “How?”

Keep reading

A Spoof Fanfic

“Bwhahahaha, I am so evil!” declared Lord/Ser/Prince/King Badman as he menaced Sansa in a sexualized manner.

“Oh, my life is so terrible and I am so weak and helpless,” sobbed Sansa.  “If only someone would come and save me and lead me to a life of self-actualized socially-integrated happiness!”

Suddenly Lord Woobbie-Mann leaped out from the shadows and dispatches Badman with a thrust of his mighty sword.  "Behold sweet lady, it is I, whom you shall now be required to marry for non-specific plot reasons!  We shall now go back to my castle where I am forced by circumstances to immediately consummate our union.  Although I personally find such an idea distasteful because I respect your personal integrity and deeply love you despite the fact that we have just met, I will be compelled to make love to you in a sweet yet manly and inexhaustible way that erases all trauma you have suffered from years of sexual emotional and physical abuse.”

Sansa batted her eyes.  “Even though I have been abused and betrayed by everyone I have known for years, and I have no reason to believe you are any different, I immediately sense that I can trust you.”

“That is true,” declared Lord Woobi-Mann.  “Although I am based on a canon character with many flaws and a complex plot arc, since meeting you I have no goals or ambitions outside meeting your needs.  Let me now whisk you away to Castle Woobie-Mann where your dreams will come true.”

“That consummation of our plot-required union was wonderful,” exclaimed Sansa the next morning after her tenth orgasm.  “You were so sensitive and understanding, and never suffered from premature ejaculation or difficulty sustaining an orgasm.”

“Please, sleep in,” Lord Woobie-Mann said.  “You can expect to become pregnant immediately, as the Woobie-Mann men are extremely fertile.  In fact, you are probably pregnant already, with twins.  I can tell from the way your breasts look particularly luscious.  I shall now depart to sit in a corner until there is another opportunity to meet your needs.”

He vanished in a puff of smoke.

There was a knock on the door.  “Hello, it is I, your new servant.  Please call me Fawn,” said the young woman, who was much less good looking than Sansa.  “I have waited all my life to serve the wife of Lord Woobie-Mann, and I am now utterly loyal to you.  May I please sleep in a dog-bed on your floor?”

“You know that I don’t particularly care about you and have no intention of thinking about you or doing anything nice for you, right?” Sansa asked.

“Oh yes,”said Fawn.  “Our relationship is completely one-sided.  I prefer it that way.  And I am, of course, utterly trustworthy.”

“Yes, I can sense that,” said Sansa.

Lord Wobbie-Mann appeared in a puff of smoke.  “Please, accept this beautiful dress, and these large jewels.”  He disappeared again.

“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen,” Lord Woobie-Mann said when Sansa was dressed.

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” said Sansa, blinking her eyes and tossing her hair about.  “Although I am a celebrated beauty, I have no vanity about my looks.”

“Let us go for a leisurely walk so that I may show you my palatial castle. Even though you only arrived here yesterday and know nothing of my household, people, or culture, and you are only sixteen years old, I am going to give you vague and non-time consuming responsibilities.  I am a progressive forward looking man who respects your abilities despite your gender and am committed to a discrimination-free and non-oppressive relationship with you.”

“I’ve been working thirty days straight,” said Fawn.  “May I have an hour off to visit my dying mother?”

“Get back to work, peasant,” said Lord Woobie-Man.

“This doesn’t bother me at all,” said Sansa.  “Have I mentioned that I am a very compassionate person?”

Lord Woobie-Mann introduced Sansa to his sister Newbestfriend, who was less good looking than Sansa and not as important.  She was busy preparing a large ball to welcome Sansa to the castle.  

“Oh, I love you so much,” she told Sansa.  “You are so wonderful.  I could never accomplish everything you have done in the course of this fic.”

“Well,” said Sansa.  “Having ten orgasms in a night is pretty hard work.  And have I mentioned that I was menaced in a sexualized manner by Lord/Ser/Prince/King Badman?”

“You are the strongest person I have ever met,” said Newbestfriend.  “I’m arranging to invite lots of people who have insulted you to the ball so that you can humiliate them with your new power as Lady Woobie-Mann.”

“I’m very forgiving, and I wouldn’t enjoy that at all,” said Sansa.   “Here is a list of people to invite.”

“Now that I have finished all the hard work of arranging your ball, I need to go and find myself a dress for the ball that is not as nice as yours.”  She went away.

Suddenly, one of Lord Woobie-Mann’s knight leapt out from behind a bush.  He had a large black moustache.  “Now I shall have my way with you!” he declared, leering at Sansa.  “Bwahahahah.”

“Oh no,” cried Sansa.  “Who shall save me?”

Lord Woobie-Mann appeared in a puff of smoke.  “Look how awesome I am in comparison!” he said, running his hand through his long wavy hair.  He beheaded the knight.

“I may have an orgasm,” said Sansa.

“I’ll take care of that,” said Lord Woobie-Mann, as he handed Sansa a puppy.   “Thank you for honoring me with the privilege of you presence in my life, and allowing me to solve all your problems for you.  All hail Lady Sansa Woobie-Mann, the most accomplished, wonderful, beautiful, special person in the history of time.”

“Sweet, said Sansa.

The Secret History

“According to commonwealth records, this planet was seeded by Abrasax industries roughly one hundred thousand years ago. Human DNA spliced with indigenous species to evolve a fertile population.”  

Stinger explaining Earth’s origin

In a move that has left mainstream audiences deeply confused and bewildered (presumably because they lack the ability to differentiate sci-fantasy from sci-fi), Jupiter Ascending presents an elaborate, weird and extravagantly implausible secret history of Earth. If you’re open minded about such things and don’t mind seeing scientific fact cheerfully disregarded, you’re far more inclined to enjoy Jupiter Ascending.

With that said, I want to draw your attention to the throw-away comment Stinger makes on the origin of Earth’s population. Stinger basically gives Jupiter three distinct pieces of information:

1. The human population of Earth has been present for approximately 100,000 years.

2. Earth was ‘seeded’ by Abrasax Industries.

3. Human DNA was spliced with indigenous species to evolve a fertile population.

Of all these ‘facts’, the third one is perhaps the most interesting and least discussed. What do you reckon Stinger was referring to by ‘indigenous species’? Did he mean our human ancestors, so Neanderthals? What would the motivation for this be? Stinger says that the splicing was conducted to evolve a ‘fertile population’, but it’s not clear why such a step was necessary - was the existing population infertile (or not fertile enough), or was the issue instead with the human DNA introduced by Abrasax Industries?

This question also has implications for the plot of the film. If Jupiter is a descendant of ancestors that represented a fusion of Orousian and Earthly DNA, how could she possibly be a perfect genetic match for Seraphi Abrasax, who was presumably a pure-blooded Orousian human?

We do not have genuine answers to any of these questions, of course, which is why I’m very curious to hear your theories. What do you make of this?

What Is A Period?

It’s amazing to me how much men don’t know about periods. It got me to thinking about the phenomenon of it all. 

Isn’t it crazy that every single month since Middle School, the female body prepares for a pregnancy? And then just to spite us, for not being ready to procreate and populate the earth, we get cursed with horrible pains, fatigue, bloating and the best part, we get to bleed for days on end. 

 I mean let’s face it. We all got our periods long before we even considered the idea of becoming pregnant. I was 22 before my first relationship began. That’s at least a decade of being in “woman hood” yet not considered an adult for 6 more years. So our bodies are ready to create life, but because we are in fact still children, we have to deal with the unnecessary pains and discomforts of periods. It’s like mother natures way of saying “f-you.” Well I’ve got my sweat pants, pain meds and caffeine, so bring it on beotch. 

My husband asked why we get cramps…. According to him a period is just blood and a “microscopic egg.” I took the opportunity to enlighten him on the subject. 

 When a women does in fact become pregnant, the fertilized egg attaches to the uterine wall which forms the placenta the baby grows in. Now this lining of the uterus isn’t just something that’s always there, waiting to become fertilized. Each month we get a new lining, and a new opportunity to fulfill our “duty” of pro-creating. Now when the egg doesn’t get fertilized, it doesn’t just pass on through our Fallopian tubes and go down the toilet. No, no, no. 

 You see, along with the egg, the lining also has to be shed. It has to detach itself from the uterus and be contracted out. Thus creating “cramps.” When a woman actually does have a child, she has to deliver the placenta after the baby has come out. In the same sense, each month the “placenta” gets delivered in the form of a uterine lining. Instead of coming out all at once, it takes place over several days, thus expanding upon our pain and discomforts.

 Sure, childbirth is a lot more intense, but having a period is nothing to be dismissed. I didn’t have an epidural during childbirth, but you better believe I take pain meds for my cramps! 

So what exactly causes the cramps? You see, the days leading up to the release of the egg, the body prepares for the hopefulness that you are in fact giving it a fertilized egg. When an egg is in fact fertilized, it embeds into the uterine lining. But the lining is normally thin, until the days leading up to your “period.” In order to make ready for a fertilized egg, the lining becomes extra thick to provide a nice cushion for the egg to implant in. When you’ve decided to stick it Mother Nature and say not this month Mother ******, she in turn curses you with a painful reminder of what you have to look forward to every month until you procreate. 

 The body’s way of shedding that lining, as I said is similar to child birth. During child birth, we get contractions, that help push the baby downward. You see what contractions are is basically the tightening and relaxing of the uterine muscles. So basically every month you go through a very light form of labor. But still painful none the less. 

When your muscles contract, it limits the amount of oxygen and blood flow which causes pain. Every woman experiences different levels of pain and discomfort. Cramps can be felt in the lower back and abdomen or just one or the other. 

 For years my cramps were never bad, until I really reached adult hood and then Mother Nature had it with me. It’s like she was saying ‘ok, I was giving you grace before, I realize you were still young and I was just warning of you of what’s to come, but you’re getting older and those eggs aren’t any younger so now each month you don’t produce an heir, you get worse cramps!' 

 Like, calm down Mother Nature, this isn’t the 15th century. A woman has got a life to live and creating babies isn’t our only purpose ok. And what gives, after you’ve had one, she’s still relentless. Sure, she gives you a few months break after your baby is born, but then a few months later, she’s back with a vengeance!

 She’s like 'ok, you took a year off, sure you gave me a baby, but that’s not enough! Get back on the horse, I’ve given you enough time.’ Well Mother Nature, you’ve lost again this month, but then why do I feel like it is I who am the loser here? 

 When all else fails, just blame Eve for eating that God-forbidden fruit and blame her for all the pain we have to bear.