Final Feraco Blog Entry.
Expectations. Standards. These two things make up what people look for and what they expect to be there. Especially in relationships from friendships to romantic partners, people have standards and expectations to what they want. With friendships they might want someone to always be there, knowing that they can depend on them. The standards for romantic partners are set to what the person is looking for, what they want in a significant other. People set standards and expectations so they don’t just settle for anything, so they try to expect that they deserve more. Standards are set so people can excel those standards so they are above the bar. Standards are the bare minimum of what a person might be looking for, they want to at least meet those standards to better themselves or expect more.
During the time I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend all I wanted to be was perfect. I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend not because he was my first boyfriend but because he had plenty of ex girlfriends. He use to compare me to each of his girlfriends and how I was different from them. I hated it. I hated being compared to them; I didn’t like being told that I was just like them. I thought that was the worst insult he could tell me because the relationships he had with those girls didn’t work out, and I wanted ours to be different. I tried my hardest to not reach the expectations he had for me. His past relationships his girlfriends didn’t treat him right, they slapped him around, yelled at him, and fought with him constantly about how he didn’t spoil them. I know that I would never want to be like that with any of my boyfriends, but when he found out that I was nice, caring, compassionate, nonviolent, and loving he didn’t really know what to expect anymore. But once I set those expectations he didn’t want anything less from me, and when I did get mad or frustrated at him, he got upset and compared me once again to his ex girlfriends.
To be honest, I didn’t want to fail him. I didn’t want to be just another one of his girlfriends. I know when I was compared to them I felt sad, unhappy, and disappointed at myself for not being the perfect girlfriend I set out to be. After he broke up with me, I didn’t know what to think. I knew I set out to be the perfect girlfriend, but I felt that I let him down, that I wasn’t good enough for him anymore. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t me, but part of me felt that I led him down, that I was exactly like his ex girlfriends, that there was something wrong with me. Before the breakup I thought everything was going good. That I was being the girlfriend that I was suppose to be, the perfect one for him. I thought I made him happy and exceeded his standards and expectations for myself. I felt that I was more than what he wanted, but after the breakup I felt less, I felt defeated. I felt that there wasn’t a point of me trying, I felt that as much as I tried to aim for this perfect image, I didn’t reach it, I failed. I guess I still don’t think I am good enough.