fem!holmes

Why Holmes Is Ridiculous

Being a list of his oddities, which I am keeping for my own amusement, or possibly for blackmail. I will add to this whenever new proof comes along.

1. The Persian slipper. He keeps his tobacco in the toe of a slipper. Why? Does it tickle his sense of humor? Was it the nearest thing to hand? Does the tobacco not taste of feet, now?

2. The knife in the mantelpiece, which keeps his correspondence in place. I do not understand the purpose in stabbing one’s letters. It is neither picturesque nor practical, and it makes a series of holes in the mantel. It also makes the letters rather difficult to read.

3. The contradiction between his professed philosophy and his actual soul. He talks like an ascetic, and lives like a poet. He scolds me for sentimentality and praises the flowers. He calls my stories rubbish for their romanticism, then lets our suspect escape because he committed his crimes for love. He names his own body mere transport, claims to live wholly divorced from its sensations; yet he surrounds himself in music and incense and wine, and takes me to out to dinner at every possible excuse.

4. He once summoned me all the way across town to listen to his thoughts on the beautiful nature of dog-kind. He sent me a telegram. He said it was urgent.

5. He has the lashes of a society girl. A very lovely girl.

6. Also, he colours up like a girl when I praise him: turns pink as a peach. I praise him as often as I can manage it, for the entertainment.

7. He has the manners of a cat. He lays about about all evening, prowls about all night, and finally falls asleep in broad daylight, in odd places–curled up in the depths of his armchair, or stretched out on the sofa; once, atop my shoulder, in a railway car. I spent the better part of two hours with him snoring gently into my neck, trying my utmost not to laugh.

9. He is really quite discourteous to the Yard, who are actually useful to him; yet he is startlingly attentive to me, and has always been so, long before I became at all useful, or proved myself anything more than a broken-down reject of his Majesty’s service. He mocks my writing, but he treats me beautifully.

8. He takes no exercise whatsoever, despises fresh air and country holidays, and spends a quarter of his days full prone upon the sofa, thinking; yet he maintains a remarkable physique: slender, lean musculature capable of sudden power and startling grace; bright eyes, magnificent legs. He’s like a thoroughbred horse; his strength is in the bone of him. He’s–

[Here the numbered list breaks off abruptly. There is a single notation beneath this point, in the same pen, but notably shaky:]

What have I been thinking? How on earth have I allowed myself to get so far?

[No explanation of this extraordinary statement is offered.]

————

“Do you really think me ridiculous?”

“Holmes. Oh, Holmes, you did take it. You’ve had it this entire time?”

“Yes.“

“What have you been doing with it all these weeks?…Never mind, I don’t want to know. Please give it to me.”

“Tell me what the last line means.”

“Nothing. It means nothing of any significance. Will you give it here?”

“It is impossible for it to mean nothing.”

“Nothing that need concern you, then.”

“Watson.”

“Holmes. I can’t tell you.”

“Could you tell me if I held your hands? Like so? H’m, no, it appears that strikes you entirely speechless. What if I do this? Ah. Still speechless….Oh. Oh, you’re shaking. Are you angry? Have I offended you? Watson–I am sorry. I can leave.”

“No!…Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I think you are ridiculous. And wondrous. You are wondrous.”

“Oh…That is acceptable.”

“Come here. You’re blushing.”

“I am not.”

“Pink as a peach. Absolutely beautiful.”

“For God’s sake!”

“Come here, and I’ll shut up.”

“…You’re ridiculous.”

“What? Take your face out of my neck, I can’t hear you.”

“I said, you’re ridiculous, too.”

“Yes, I know. Isn’t it lovely? We match.”

How can Sherlock survive the true Final Problem if Moriarty and Mary have stolen the story?

Moriarty loves stories, fairytales. He planned everything like one. If we need to understand everything that happened since TRF, we just need to understand Appointment in Samarra. This is the key behind everything.

Sherlock is the merchant trying to outrun/outwit Death. If we consider Moriarty to represent Death (and Mary ultimately taking his title and his place in the narrative), Sherlock must find the one path to survive the Fall.

It begins with Sherlock/the merchant meeting Moriarty/Death and understanding, no, knowing that this person will take his life. So, he runs, he runs from his life in an attempt to escape his fate.

So, in the Reichenbach Falls, Sherlock fakes his death, thinking he’s done it. There was just a little problem with that plan:

The tale of Sir Boast-a-Lot, TRF never was the Final Problem, the same way the first meeting between the merchant and Death wasn’t supposed to end with the merchant’s death. Yes, Sherlock managed to escape Moriary’s plan but that was pointless. His appointment wasn’t in St Barthelemy Hospital.

Nor here.

Or even that, whatever that was.

We need to focus on this.

Because, ultimately Sherlock has been warned times and times again. Moriarty said it many times “I owe you a fall.” Not this little magic trick, no, don’t be silly. I’ll burn you, I’ll burn, the heart out of you. Survive this little game and you’ll have the privilege of seeing my real work.

Now, that’s more like it. You’ve got to admit, that’s sexier.

We both know you don’t care about your reputation, about the press slandering you. We both know that’s not your pressure point. But look how you care about John Watson. Well, your little pet, I’m going to take it from you. Let’s see how far you’re willing to go for him. That wife. Such a poor soul, so tragic. I’m sure she didn’t actually want to kill you, you were clearly a threat to her, if only you’ve told her you wanted to help her. Oh you did? Oopsie.

Well, the woman you call Mary? She’s going to take you everything, she will even break your little toy and there is nothing you can do about it. Enjoy the show.

Because John has always been and will always be his heart. He is the reason he decides to restart his, he is the reason he hasn’t killed himself like Jim. Separate them and death will be a kinder fate.

Somewhere, John or Sherlock is in terrible danger, dying and unable to escape his end. The electrocardiogram is still beating in TAB, like a phantom pain the wound still hurts Sherlock, John may or may have not escaped the bullet (no, a fuming gun don’t throw sleeping darts, it just can’t) “Eurus” shot.

Who cares how Sherlock survive the Reichenbah Falls? This wasn’t the point, this never was the Final Problem. Season 3 and Season 4 are the real thing.

Like a throwback to Jim in TRF, ‘Mary’ has become the author, the one calling the shots and stripped John of any narrative power. That is absolutely devastating, how can they survive if the two vilains have taken over the story so completely?

“Sherlock Holmes will now wear the silly hat because Mary liked it. It just felt right.She changed and illuminated the path of the show.”

Now that she is the one calling the shots, both men’s hearts are effectively reduced to ashes. Their identities have been stripped and they have become actors in their own lives.

Who you really are, it doesn’t matter. It’s all about the legend, the stories, the adventures.

This is Appointment in Samarra, you can’t avoid Death, not when the vilains are the one reading the story since TRF. This is predeterminism, all roads were leading to this ending. No matter how much Sherlock’s struggled, the author aka Jim/Mary has always planned this ending. Resistance has always been futile.

And yet… there is one fic that managed to save the merchant. Appointment in Sumatra may be a mere fanfic, Sherlock has succeeded in changing the ending. Mary, the new author, may have stripped John of everything that was him, he remains the first narrator.

The game isn’t over. This is a struggle between the two authors that have decided to destroy the story and the fans who need to find the one path that will save the merchant. Jim/Mary vs Sherlock and John, or if we are very daring between Mofftiss and the fans.

Samarra can be avoided but dear God, that’s going to a hell of a ride to save Sherlock Holmes. We just need to completely rewrite the ending, to let John take back his narrative power and let him lead Sherlock to Sumatra and avoid Samarra.

Only that.