felt life

did i ever tell ppl about the time me and my family thought my older brother was gay and dating his best friend? they used to hold hands and cuddle and shit all the time and cause my brothers super quiet we kinda just thought that was him coming out and didn’t really say anything about it. this went on for maybe two yrs and then one day he arrives home with this girl and is all ‘id like you guys to meet my girlfriend’. at this point everyone is ’????’ and my mom is literally crying and like 'u broke up with James?!?!?!’ and honestly I’ve never seen a man more confused in his life and yeah that’s the time my family fucked up for like 2 yrs

Isn’t it weird how you can actually feel the pain in your chest and stomach when something really hurts your feelings.
—  wordsbymymind
3

Things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, sometimes wonderfully.

A Little Life, Hanya Yanagihara.  

andrew getting overwhelmed by how much he loves neil…like…before he Never saw this feeling coming he thought it was just his mind making up things while he was on his meds. he’s long since accepted that this is real neil is real but sometimes it hits him so hard, that he can have this. he wasn’t able to have cass the way he wanted because of drake ruining it, ruining him…but now he has neil, and he is able to keep having him. 

neil, who loves andrew unconditionally for who he is. neil, who accepts all of his sharp edges and dark thoughts. neil, who knows when to back away and when to stay close. neil, who wants to be with him and feels just the same as he does. neil, who can see the good in him when everyone else couldn’t. this all hits andrew like a wave crashing onto the shore and he feels like he’s drowning, but it’s a welcomed feeling. because it’s safety, and it feels like home. neil is home and before, he had this twisted, broken view of what “love” is from all those traumatic experiences that still eat away at him, both of them did, but this is new and different from anything else and too much and sometimes andrew wonders if he is really worthy of this, of what neil gives him and makes him feel. 

and there are still passing fearful thoughts that what if he loses him, but waking up to fluttering eyelashes against cheeks and the way the morning sunlight rests against his skin while he’s in a peaceful sleep, seeing those looks neil sends his way, full of adoration and warmth, late night trips to the grocery store together wearing eachother’s hoodies and sweats and picking up andrew’s fave sweets to dull the nightmares he just had and is still feeling in trembling fingers and a rapid heartbeat— 

it all makes their forever click into place and andrew knows that this is it. neil is it for him and it will always be that way