felixpersonal

5

Another ridiculous story from the book of Felix:

Today was funny (or, I guess yesterday, considering it’s early in the morning now); we had all these great plans to go hang out on 16th street and eat at this amazing looking restaurant we had picked out the other night in our excitement for my upcoming doctor’s appointment. Things didn’t go exactly as planned! It’s a little difficult to celebrate when you’re passed out in an alley behind a Planned Parenthood waiting for a ride. xD

I wasn’t nervous at all when we arrived for my appointment. We were running late so that took priorty of my concerns. Once there I felt nothing,(except maybe tired, since I don’t do mornings) but was still maybe a little bit antsy. I’m all “we need to document this! take a pic…. ” and then would do a dumb half-assed pose, lose all my energy, and then yawn and wonder what I was going to eat for lunch.

After a short wait I was called and moved to a small room. Jess came with me, and we waited there for the doctor to bring me my “medication”. D: Oh wow. Needles and stuff. Whatever! Did a little dance for the camera and made some faces… Doctor comes back, and we sit down.

Then it was time…. And I glanced over at the needle and syringe. I tried not to look at it too closely or for longer than half a second. I took note of the fluid it contained, and a little voice inside me reminded me of the supposed value of this moment, as being like an accomplishment in my life, and a milestone of sorts. 

I had options of where I’d like the injection to go… Everywhere sounded bad, but I just picked what sounded easiest and asked her if this hurts… lol the look on her face. I sucked it up. Time to be a man! With a small prick on my arm and a little weird pressure, I thought, “that actually wasn’t so bad”. So wrong, so wrong. XD Weirdest feeling ever. 

The doctor bandaged me up and asked me if I felt faint at all, cuz she knows I’m a fainter. I managed to avoid blacking out when I had my blood drawn on my last visit, so I thought I’d be cool if I just went and sat down in the waiting room. 

Sitting turned into being floppy, which turned into me being on the floor waiting while Jess paid. 

She pulled me up and asked how I was feeling. Admittedly, sparkly! and fizzy like soda. “I call dibs on the backseat.” I can’t not find the humor in just about everything I end up doing because it’s always so ridiculous and silly. Or I;m just ridiculous and silly, which is probably the more likely. 

She held my hand and walked me out, but I was slipping deep into that sparkle and fizz, and that walk to the parking area was just not a possibility for my weakling body. So, I leaned against the wall of the building in what was like a alley/parking lot kind of thing, trying to hold myself together, while Jess ran off to bring the car to me. 

I don’t remember much, but the odd comforting thought came across my consciousness at some point that I was back in bed, and that time is a really funny, illusionary thing. I heard a voice, and the sight of a person leaning over me brought my vision back from nothing/white. All I could manage was a nonchalant “who are you?” while I foggily started to sort out all the details. What was once a soft, familiar bed, turned out actually to be pavement and gravel. 

Apparently, when Jess found me, I looked like a dead fish with my eyes open and rolled back into my head, and totally scared her. She thought I had maybe died. x)

My body was in such shock from all the weird sensations going on, I couldn’t stand or walk; poor brave Jess! She dragged me to the car and I kind of flopped into the backseat like a lump of barely present-ness. 

Then it was time to party like rockstars. Which, in all reality meant metal on the radio and a bottle of grape-juice and a 99cent sticky bun from the store across the street – in effort to bring me back from being a lifeless lump. We didn’t even leave the parking lot. 

16th street will have to wait until another day! It was straight back home to curl up in bed with my cat, watch movies and eat pizza. Not a bad way to end the day, considering. Recuperation is mandatory, and I’m still feeling all bruised up and completely weird. Weird is the only word I can find right now that even remotely comes close to the way my veins are freaking out and my head still spins. I… cried… over a commercial. 

Adventures in puberty begin. 

I want to meet someone who is as passionate and as cruel as I am.

Where, “I Hate You”, tastes sweet and seductive as wine… Elegantly whispered.

Bring me the power of mutual destruction, as we rise from the ashes as gods – Indestructible in our Fire, and drunk on our new, shared, Glory and Beauty.

We are mirrors, with cracks and stains. I see myself when I look into you – as you see your own reflection in me. In this, our narcissistic, sadomasochistic bad romance.

4

I don’t like to talk too much about trans stuff, but today was significant, in that I’ve been waiting a long time to do this. I very recently got my letter of recommendation for starting on testosterone – after years of struggling with, and trying to cope with my bipolar disorder. I’m finally stable with my current medication and all the changes I’ve made in my life in the past year – and I almost can’t believe where I am now. 

Hyura took me to get a basic physical exam, and it suxked xD, but the doctor gave me a Capri Sun after I got my blood taken! That was so unexpected and weird. I haven’t had one of those since lunchbox days of old. (not that I don’t still carry those around :D ) 

And now, I just have to wait a week for the results! If I’m healthy, I can start on testosterone immediately D: omg. How do I even process this as reality.

Today I lost my gloves during a long day of shopping for craft supplies. We hit the mall, a Starbucks, and every craft store in the city. It wasn’t until I was picking out a teacup at the thrift store that I realized I wasn’t wearing my gloves anymore, and I couldn’t remember if/when/where I had taken them off.

These are gloves I’ve had for years; fit to the size of my small hands, that have accumulated holes and tears from lovingly wearing them everywhere for so long. They are just as much part of my signature look as my tattered jeans and old zipper boots. My hands felt naked, cold and just wrong. :(

What started as just a little backtracking to see if I had dropped them somewhere became an epic/grueling/desperate search tearing the city apart and asking employees about a gross old pair of trash looking black gloves. I thought I’d never see them again, as the odds of finding them seemed terribly low, given they could be anywhere – maybe the trash or the side of the road!

Finally, we made it back to the Starbucks we grabbed coffee at earlier in the day – and shockingly there they were! I saw two little black balled up things sitting by the feet of an unknowing couple. I was shocked that someone hadn’t yet picked them up and threw them away, ‘cuz they were just sitting there! on the floor in plain sight! Ecstatically I rushed over to the table, and scooped those little black gloves off the dirty floor and with such joy explained to the confused couple about my awful day looking for my gloves! The baristas and customers expressed happiness that my gloves and I had been reunited, and that the long, crazy search was over.

I put those filthy gloves right back on and hugged my hands the whole way home. I’m so lucky and grateful that this misadventure had a happy ending. I’m still grinning and overjoyed that these old gloves are still with me, and will be accompanying me on many more adventures to come.

5

Throughout the history of my longtime love affair with coffee, I had never experienced canned until my most recent visit to an asian market. I was there to pick up a pack of Meijis for my next chocolate review, and I happened to pass by these sexy looking little black cans: Suntory Boss Black.

In Japan, they have these vending machines where you can purchase canned coffees either hot, or cold (which is super cool). Because I don’t have that luxury, I poured my coffee into an espresso cup and heated it to a pleasant temperature. 

When I pulled the tab and poured the coffee into my cup, I noticed the caramely color, and thought that it might be too light for my taste – as I tend to like my coffee and my chocolate bold and dark; however, upon taking my first sip I noted that it was flavorful, and didn’t leave much of a bitter aftertaste. It was still a bit too light for my liking, but for coffee in a little can, not bad. It was fun to try. (They also have a ton of funny commercials:)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWYtrF1z5mc

Meiji Black is silky, bittersweet chocolate; the taste reminds me of chocolate chips. Nothing too special, but I’d never turn down a handful of chocolate chips. 

These cute bite-sized blocks come wrapped in gold foil. The packaging and the brand stamp on the chocolate mold is sleek and adds to the appeal.

These are cute. Definitely go pick up a box sometime.

- Felix

Thank you all. ♥

I generally try to not post really emotional/personal stuff, and, maybe it’s the Xanax I just took that is helping me let down my guard a little bit tonight – but I’ve been wanting to let you guys know just how much all of your messages mean to me. All of the support and sweet words you send lift my spirits and fill me with gratitude. I feel like there aren’t enough words or ways of conveying this over text, and that always makes me sad that I may not be able to express that to you with the warmth and authenticity I very much feel, and want you to receive. 

Each of you move me in ways that are always unique and special, and never the same. I wish I could express that to each of you, so you know.

I’m very, very bad at keeping up with messages and conversations sometimes, but please know that I love hearing from you, whatever it is you want to say to me, or whatever you want to talk about. You shouldn’t worry about writing to me, because it is never annoying, and always welcome. With whatever it is I can give, I want to give back to you, and want (even if I don’t always have the energy needed to do so) to get to know more about you. 

Thank you; so much.