feline humor

Basic Rules For Cats Who Have The Run of The House

~ Do NOT allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer it with forepaws.

~ Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

~ When there are guests, quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap.

~ For sitting on laps or rubbing against legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.

~ For the guest who exclaims, “I love kitties!” be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It’s not necessary to do anything - just sit there and stare. 😺👀

Does Your Cat Hate You?

If you refer to yourself as a “cat parent” or to your cat as a “fur baby,” and feel as though the hate vibes you’re sensing represent some kind of feline adolescence, remember that the only parental force the animal recognizes is the jungle law of kill or be killed. It’s really nothing personal. :)

If, on the one hand, you are convinced that your cat loathes your very existence but, on the other, think that it seems to enjoy the cat tepee you spent a hundred and twenty-five dollars on, I would place the odds of your cat torching your house at fifty-fifty.

Find more answers to your feline concerns in Daily Shouts. 

Photograph by John Abbate / Getty