Feels kind of weird. For the first time in my 20 years on this earth I’m mostly on my own.
I have room mates and a full time job, but I think I can do it so long as I don’t do anything stupid and keep my head on straight.
For the first time in 20 fucking years my life is mine. Everything I want and need doesnt take a literal and metaphorical backseat to what some alcoholic or meth addict wants. For the first time I’m not genuinely terrified of tomorrow.
I mean I’m afraid and shit, but it’s reasonable fears like not having enough for groceries or making a rent payment, not some drug dealer shooting the place up or police kicking in the door and arresting everyone. Not having to worry about some stupid alcoholic kicking down my door and slapping me around, throwing me over a counter, bashing my head against a wall, threatening to kill me because I “dishonored” their stupid delusions of grandeur.
I mean, it feels great. I honestly can’t describe it. Closest thing I can say is its like the mental and spiritual equivalent of almost drowning and then surfacing above the water and drawing a long deep breath and your feet touch a solid surface and the panic immediately subsides.
I just feel like I had to say this. Honestly it just feels so good. Ive had little bits of happiness and times that were nice before, but this is the first stable and sustainable one, where I’m the only major variable. One thats worth fighting for and defending. It’s sure as shit not perfect, but I’m not in some Houston ghetto, not living with meth addicts in Kansas City, or an abusive alcoholic father in Vermont.
I may be scared, but I get to be scared of my own future and worry over my own choices. That fear and worry I know to be the greatest freedom, as its only the fear that someone who is free can feel.
There have been precious precious few times in which I had the privilege of going to bed not having to be scared of someone else’s retarded moronic choices possibly fucking my life, or someone deciding I’m responsible for life not kissing their ass for them, so I’m going to go to bed now before I get to wake up and go to work tomorrow, and godwilling will be the first of many many more :^)
I’ve made some blunders in the few months I’ve accepted myself as a chick that is in fact pretty gay:
This cute cute cute out lesbian complimented me (You look really great today, J, like really good, those pants fit so well on you) , and then legit suggested we play footsie later on when I bumped her foot. I did not realize that she was in fact, Being Gay, until so much later and the other queer friend I made was like “yeah dude she really was.” Like this girl was wholesale checking my booty out and I just…ate my taco and talked about work.
And then, yesterday: This chick who came round the bookstore asking about book recs had said she’d come back the next day (yesterday) and get an opinion from me specifically ( i didn’t believe her), and she literally did come back to my bookstore yesterday to talk to me and buy a book off my register. Like she didn’t buy shit else. She came and stood to the side till I noticed her and was like “told you I’d be back,” and wouldn’t stop smiling and then I recc’d Wide Sargasso Sea to her cus she was reading Jane Eyre. But then this old white woman kept trying to tell me Wide Sargasso Sea wasn’t what I was saying it was and I’m like Brenda I need you to buy your keychain and vacate.
Now, she could have just been being nice and interested in books but…i just feel it. I’ve never been -nicely- flirted with before, like it’s all been lewd straight male shit and just…
The reason why NJs enjoys luxuries, food, and traveling is because it’s the only way they can indulge in that raw Se experience without losing control of what’s going on around them. The more tangible it is, the easier it is to control. SPs, while often enjoying these things, don’t revere them as high as NJs because Se always constant. They have the ability to take control of the intangible moment of the present and optimize it in the best way possible.
Probably, yeah!!! It’s hard to make this call because I am definitely no expert and also it’s not my favorite game (the story is weaker than TTYD/SPM, and the mechanics are a step backwards from TTYD’s since it came out first) but like
There’s a lot of fun places to explore and characters to encounter and stuff, and if you’re thirsting for the character diversity that Sticker Star lacks then definitely pick it up??? Plus it’s got the usual Paper Mario charm and partners and stuff. Again I would not personally call it my favorite but a lot of fans really really REALLY like it and it’s
It’s not a bad game.
I can’t, like, predict what you want out of playing it or what your mindset is towards it but like.
Pick it up imo. Maybe you’ll really like it. Maybe you won’t. Who knows.
i REALLY need to find a way to stress/regret-free express some of my inner thoughts and feelings to other people because the weight of having so much stuff i keep to myself makes me feel horrendous. saying the thoughts/feelings to nobody, e.g. in my diary or on a new blog, does not work. i’ve tried. i’m not confident enough to vlog about deep personal things and i can’t write blog posts because i can’t really condense my thoughts into such a small space of writing and i worry about it not making sense and people i know IRL finding them, and i don’t like doing it on tumblr because i just feel lame and always immediately want to delete the posts, i feel highly uncomfortable talking to strangers online, especially about personal things, i can’t do it on twitter because family follow me on there and if i act too sad on there then readers will not want to follow me anymore, i don’t like telling stuff to my family because they always find a way to turn it around and make my bad feelings feel like they’re entirely my fault, i don’t like talking about sad stuff to my friends very often because although i’m very lucky to have friends who are willing to listen it actually sort of makes me more stressed lumping my stress onto them, and i don’t think that i would get along with therapy at all in any scenario from what i have heard about people’s experiences with therapy