feels like someone punched me in the stomach

*screams into the void* sometimes this huge wave of grief and rage hits me and it’s just so powerful that it feels like someone punched me in the stomach.

I’m so angry and so sad and heartbroken

I need to meditate. Before these emotions drive me to do something I’ll regret

I always see trans!Enjolras headcanons (and I absolutely love them, they're basically canon for me) but imagine also (modern) Trans!Grantaire.

(These are messy but idgaf)

● He figures it out at 17, he uses to dress really feminine, because of his “traditional” family, wear make up and straighten his curly hair.

● Everyone calles him “pretty girl” and he always feels like someone punched him in the stomach.

● When he finds out he is a boy he literally throws the straightener out of a window and messily cut his hair, stops wearing make up and startes wearing his dad’s clothes.
He thinks that he has to fit in the society’s standard of masculinity to be respected.

● At 18 he goes to university to study art history, moves in a little apartment on his own, away from his family and officially comes out to his best friend Éponine, she buys him a binder for his birthday.

● He never liked his birth name (Rebecca) so he introduces himself as R or just his last name.

● he develops depression and starts drinking at 19, he has trouble sleeping and that effects the way he looks, “at least no one will call me pretty girl” he thinks.

● at 20 he meets Jehan, an eccentric non-binary literature student, they looks so happy not fitting the society standards that R starts thinking that maybe being “different” is not that bad.

● Jehan is in a lgbt+ support group called “Les amis de l'ABC” and convinces him to partecipate at at least a meeting.

● everyone is really nice and respectful with him, they try to help him with his drinking problem and slowly they manage to make him drink less and feel better.

● the leader of this group immediately caught his attention, his name is Enjolras and is a trans boy like him, but doesn’t try to fit the masculinity standard, sometimes he comes to the meetings wearing dresses or bright red lipstick, declaring that that doesn’t mean that he’s less than every other man.

● they always argue over the tiniest thing, but when someone misgenders R on purpose, Enjolras is ready to physically fight them.

● they fall for each other and, loving Enjolras, R learns to love himself too.

● depression is still a huge part of R’s life but Les Amis are super supportive and help him a lot.

I was actually angry over how everyone else continued their lives after my Grandad’s passing. It’s a strange thing having someone so close to you pass away….it’s like waves of emotion just come back and punch you in the stomach every time you even think about swimming away.

Yesterday I was sad.

The day before I was happy.

Today I feel emotionless. 

I saw my heart broken cousins yesterday bravely stand up and speak at my Grandad’s funeral and my one cousin (who everyone has nicknamed “mini-me”) broke down. She couldn’t continue. So I stood up and said what she wanted to say…….not because I wanted to play hero, but because it was important for Grandad to hear these words from a Grandchild’s mouth. We stood together, we got closer, we stood tall as the world continued moving. We mourned and I got extremely offended almost that people went to work, to school, to shop etc. Today we spread my Grandad’s ashes and honestly for those who’ve never done it…it’s the oddest ceremony in the world. A man came out with Grandad’s ashes, spread them, and then walked away….we stood in silence, cracked a few jokes, hugged, cried, came back for tea and it was over. He’s laid to rest now in Streetly Cremetorium, amazingly enough, just a small walk from my Grandma and Grandpa, and in the same spot as my Aunt’s mother.

We came back and the roller coaster hit me again….emotion….dreadful “I’ll never see you again” emotion…..but then it made me think. There’s no stopping the world from turning. Everyone has their own things to do, lives to live, people to welcome and those to say goodbye. New jobs on the horizon, new adventures to explore. My Grandad has moved on from this world but that doesn’t stop anything, especially not living a little sweeter, loving longer, hugging and kissing that bit more and creating new life from those lives lost. Callum was born with my Great-Grandad’s exact features as a young guy. Who knows, maybe my kids will look exactly like Grandad and share funny stories with their kids and grandkids.

Life doesn’t stop….Death welcomes all….but it’s truly remarkable what one man has done in his life, and how that has created a phenomenal new outlook on the world.

rockthatblog said by FANMAIL :

Okay get prepared because i am going to ramble a lot in this but I saw your post about how it is okay to “connect” with you and idk i felt the need to talk to you about my love for Tom when he plays Loki, it may sound stupid but he plays so well it is the kind of character that can make me feel actually like someone is punching me in the stomach when I see him suffering. Loki is supposed to be the villain but to me he is the most precious character ever for example in the scene where their father (i mean not actual father for Loki but you understood my point) tells him that he will never see his mother again and you can actually see the f*cking pain in Tom’s eyes and oh my the scene when he’s in “jail” and he acts like everything’s fine and then you see the actual Loki covered by blood, with messy hair and Tom is just so amazing you can FEEL him suffer. My love for him is unbelievable.