i dont even think about her/him anymore, at least not as feverishly as I used to, and im having this horrible dreams about her/him, even though theyre not true
like dreams where she’s hurt, or needs help, and i cant help her/him
or dreams where she/he hates my guts and hurts me, or spreads rumors ect, though i know she/he would never
i was in the bathroom with anndy on monday, and she/he walked in and like, my entire being was honed in on her/him
its like when you get hurt, and your entire being zeros in on just that pain, and how to make it stop
its like my actions weren’t my own anymore, but just some play to play out for her/him, so they didn;’t hate me, which is too late but hey, i can try to make it lessen a bit i guess
and i was so focused on not fucking up, but i still did, my voice got a higher pitch and a bit louder. i coudln’t control it. the anxiety i felt was ridiculous. but outside of school its fine, and i can forget.
but its bad that i get sick–i puke–and immediately after the bathroom incident i had asthmatic problems, my airways narrowed.
its not her/his fault for my reactions, but i want them to stop
i want to be like her/him, not give a shit, just be able to pass me and not care at all.
she/he completely forgot about me. i never existed. why can’t i do the same. why can’t i forgot. i just want to feel okay.