feelings to relate to

you know what really kills me about that little snippet? it’s not simon saying “you think i’m pretty?” but his smile when he says it. it’s not a disgusted ‘ew, why does wannabe captain america think i’m pretty??’ but more of a ‘aww. my future husband said i’m pretty for the first time’ (✿ ♥‿♥)

Noticing and appreciating improvement with BPD

Today in therapy I learned something that completely blew my mind, so maybe it’s just me but I thought I’d share🙂

I have BPD and I started getting good treatment nearly exactly one year ago. Today we talked about what changed, what got better, what improved. And as I thought about it and we talked I realized that I cut down cigarettes from 35 to 10 a day and I got from cutting almost every day to once every 6-8 weeks. But I did not see that. What I saw was that I still cut and I still smoke. Which is right, but I beat myself up about it without being proud of myself for improving even if I’m not where I want to be yet.

I hope that this makes any fucking sense at all, I have trouble putting it in words.
I mean, I know that depressive episodes will probably belong to my life forever. So I have to start giving myself credit for getting through it alive and managed to cope without hurting myself instead of blending that out and focusing on that I was depressive again, I was suicidal again. Yeah, I was. And I probably will be again. But I definitely improved in getting through it in a healthier way than i used to.

My therapist was so so excited as I realized that and finally allowed myself to see the good in the bad. I needed my time for that. But maybe someone reads and can realte☺ hope y'all have a good day!❤

Sometimes I’ll be doing something perfectly mundane and innocuous, like making waffles or petting my cat, and I’ll randomly remember that most people view someone like me as a fundamentally evil, irredeemable, abhorrent monster.  And sometimes, when this happens to me, the contrast will be so deliciously absurd that I will burst out laughing, because somehow this is actually my day-to-day reality and not the overwrought fictional melodrama that it often feels like to me.

u kno what’s terrible when The Disorder fills you with boundless egotism and you spend days thinking about how great you are and how everyone is lucky to have you as a friend then you come back to reality and realize no one really fucking likes you and how weak your grasp on reality and perception gets sometimes!!!!! bitch everything is fake!!!

It sucks doesn’t it? Not being able to do something you desperately want and feeling utterly hopeless and so damn worthless. And it sucks ‘cause you have no one to blame but yourself even though some people might be the reason as to why you are here right now—Feeling completely and utterly worthless.

the problem with having gotten a bunch of Exciting Social Contact over the last week or two is that it makes me want instinctively to use the people who provided it as bandaids for subsequent generic sad/lonely/wobbly feelings

which would be putting too much pressure on those relationships, probably, and also treating them with less intentionality than i aspire to—like, i want to be reaching out to people because i value & miss them-in-particular, not because i want somebodyanybody to patch over the black hole of my nightly woes, and oh, right, thinking back over the last few days suggests some options i’m comfortable with…!

8

Do any of you have that one tv show that is just so close to your heart? Like you could watch all these other shows; but when you go back to that one, you just feel like you’ve stumbled your way home after being lost for a little while. Maybe the show ended years ago, maybe the show is still airing or is on hiatus, but no matter what the same holds true; when you see it, or talk about it, it feels like home.