feeling-stupid

got up early, my first thought was to go for a short morning hike at one of the many trails on Little Mountain (which is essentially a park on a really big hill).

and then i remember we still don’t have a window in the truck because last time we were there someone smashed the window and stole the few meager things i had hastily (and foolishly) tucked under the seat. things of no value to them, i don’t have credit cards and there was no cash in my wallet..

and now i don’t want to hike… and now i can’t see the beauty i used to see in this park. i just see frustration, anger… the money it will cost to replace all of my keys  (p,o, box, storage unit are both about $20 to replace. house keys, spare keys i had for family, the U-lock on my scooter which is garbage now, $5 for mailbox key) all my id’s & registration and the fucking window,

but honestly, money is money and that’s just me complaining because things are tight right now

the very worst part of having things stolen from you, especially destroyed and stolen is just how fucking helpless and violating it feels.

They ruined a park that was a ‘safe place’ for me, a quiet place to go - a beautiful peaceful world has become a place where i’ll always be looking over my shoulder. I know my husband will come with me if i ask him to, but i just don’t even want to go back right now…

 i will never feel safe hiking alone there again, if they can risk the noise of smashing out a window of a car parked on the main road - who says they won’t do worse. It’s a big park, lots of trails, lots of places where people can hide.

and maybe i was just being naive because the park was so beautiful and so near my home - i guess it was stupid of me to ever feel safe there, but i really truly did

i woke up and wanted to go for a hike, and now i don’t even want to go outside.

honestly though for those of you struggling with depression i know how hard it is to try and find something you can sink yourself into in order to either escape or feel more comforted

sometimes its friends sometimes its music or hobbies but for me it was more or less my belief in slightly spiritual or metaphysical things

karma is something i do believe in but in a very construed way and i came to have that view because i wanted to help others feel better; i knew and still know what its like to face a harrowing set of conditions and have to go at it alone so i do my best to support people in their struggles regardless of what they are and regardless of who those people are to me

over time it just seemed like all those actions i took to help people seemed to find their way back around and it wasnt just these people returning my kindness, i just always coincidentally seemed to have things come into my life exactly when i needed it whether it was waking up with just enough time to get ready and head to school or work or if it was finding spare money or even small things like seeing the right things at the right time

that prolonged experience of “you get what you give” instilled the idea within me that in my life, there is a system of balance: for everything bad, there is good, and for all the good i give i shall receive it in turn

and once i came to see things that way i just continued to do what i do and i started to count all the good things happening to me and marked them as the universe repaying me for all the struggles i had to endure in order to earn them

Do you know what is really fucking annoying? I am constantly saying I want someone to love and be loved. Every time someone tries to show me anything like love or kindness or anything like that, which is exactly what I deserve, I run. I’m fucking petrified. I deserve these things and I want these things so why can’t I just be okay with it and try and handle it when someone tries to show me? I don’t want to say I hate myself but I just fucking hate the way that I can’t deal with this. I am so emotionally unavailable and far from being able to handle a relationship, I never thought I’d ever be like this. I am so fucking in love with love and romance and affection and all things beautiful so why can’t I deal with someone giving those things to me?

I’ve just realized that when I talk to my friends irl they never ask how I’m doing and such. they always talk about themselves and their life but they don’t care enough to ask how I’m doing… and whenever I talk about myself they always say “same lol” then bring up something about them..

Labels

I don’t understand why “I don’t know” isn’t a good enough response regarding my sexuality for some people.

Like, I’m sorry I’m only 18 and have other things to worry about than figuring out exactly who I am and am not attracted to just so I can make you feel comfortable with a solid label.

I think it’s great if you know exactly who you are and have a label you feel applies to you, but that doesn’t mean I have to use a specific label as well.

For most of my life I’ve just told people I was straight. These days, honestly? I have no freaking idea. But I’m not going to rush to figure it out just so I can call myself by a certain label so society can happily put me in the correct box.

I personally think labels are stupid.
What’s my sexuality?
I have no idea. I like who I like, I am attracted to whoever I find attractive. I’m not even sure sometimes if I’m liking someone in a “they’re so sweet and funny I wanna be their friend” way, an “I admire them so much” way, or on a higher level.

But you know what? I’m not gonna stress about it. When the time comes that I find someone I truly love, maybe that’ll give me a better idea. Or maybe I’ll never really find a label that fits me.

But for now, I’ve decided I much prefer the answer “I don’t know” to trying to force myself to fit into a label I think /most closely/ represents me just for the sake of providing an answer.

So dictatorsandchocolate​ tagged me (beautyswhereyoufindit​ did too, but Catherine got there first).

1. Write your name in song titles:

E - “Estate Sale Sign” (The Mountain Goats)

L - “Ladies and Gentlemen, We are Floating in Space” (Spritualized)

I - “Isn’t It A Lovely Night?” (The Decemberists)

Z - “Zorbing” (Stornoway)

A - “A Song of Faint Praise” (The Loom)

2. Why did you choose your URL? 

I wanted one with my name in it, and it was the first thing that came immediately to mind. I came up with a couple of slightly cleverer ones (’mycoliza’, after the mycelium, and ‘eliza effect’, after the psychological phenomenon), but I care enough about link rot to change my URL frequently, which is probably silly.

3. What’s your middle name?

Hawk, I think, still; I’m entirely too attached to it to give it up entirely.

4. If you could be a fictional/Fairytale being, what would you be?

I should like to be some sort of fairy, I think. I’d love to have wings, and to be magical, but I’ve grown quite attached to the humanoid body plan and am not really particularly eager to give it up; I particularly like having hands and do not want to part with them. Living in the forest and talking to animals and bewitching people all sounds nice.

5. Favorite Color?

Black and white? I like monochrome palettes and do not particularly have a favourite color.

6. Favorite Songs?

I have too many! Lately I’ve been really enjoying Anaïs Mitchell and Jefferson Hamer’s version of Child Ballad No. 39, “Tam Lin”.  “Letter From Belgium,” on We Shall All Be Healed, is my favourite Mountain Goats song, the lyrics (”Martin calls to say he’s sending old electrical equipment / that’s good, we could always use some more electrical equipment”) really resonate with me.  PJ Harvey and Nick Cave’s version of “Henry Lee”, from Murder Ballads, is incredible, and I love the entirety of The Velvet Underground & Nico, and David Bowie’s “The Width of a Circle” (and “Ziggy Stardust”), and Catherine got me really into Stromae last semester and I think “Tous les Mêmes” is my favourite of his songs, and I like pretty much every Patti Smith song, and The Clash’s “Spanish Bombs,” and the new Titus Andronicus album is really great but I don’t quite have a favourite song from it yet, and if you come back tomorrow I’ll have a whole new set of favourite songs to rave about.

Oh gosh, I really do have too many!

7. Top 4 fandoms?

I am not really particularly active in fandom as a Thing, but I really enjoy Star Trek and The X-Files. I started watching Steven Universe recently and it’s (so far) really great. Uh. I love Revolutionary Girl Utena. I guess I am in the ‘space’ and ‘academic writing’ fandoms, but I don’t think those are really fandoms?

8. Why do you enjoy Tumblr?

Mostly, I follow so many people that I care so much about, and it’s terribly nice to see something from them every day; I love getting little reminders that my friends exist on days when we don’t talk, and just passively seeing what people are thinking about, it’s actually really important to me. 

9. Tag 9 people:

If you think this looks like a fun thing to do, I tag you?

2

HOW YOU CAN HELP DMD BECOME 1D’S FIRST #1 US SINGLE

Billboard determines their Hot 100 through RADIO AIRPLAY, SALES DATA, and STREAMING DATA. Here’s how to boost those numbers.

1. PURCHASE the song on iTunes. GIFT it to as many people as possible, if you have the funds to do so. 

2. STREAM the song on Spotify. (Here’s a 40 hour playlist. Do NOT mute the track, or it will not count.)  

3. REQUEST the song at as many radio stations as possible.

Automatically generated tweets to radio stations - resource one. (Thank you littleshitlou.)

Automatically generated tweets to radio stations - resource two. (Thank you wereonmywaytothesun-stuff)

Automatically generated tweets to radio stations - resource three. (Thank you blowholeharry)

Nielsen Monitored Stations (the ones used for Billboard - VERY important). (Thank you areyougoodwithyourhands)

Masterlist of USA, UK, Canada, and Australia radio station request forms. (Thank you, areyougoodwithyourhands)

Links to the Twitters of worldwide, Austrian, Canadian, French, European, Mexican, and American stations. (Thank you, one-d-af)

Links to popular US radio station Twitters. (Thank you, twaslouis)

4. SHAZAM the song.

5. In order for inclusion on the Billboard Trending, as well as keeping up public awareness, TWEET about the song. You need to include @OneDirection, #DragMeDown, #NowPlaying, a LINK to the song, and use various terms associated with the song and song playing, such as “music,” “song,” “track,” “LISTEN.”” 

Example tweet:  #NowPlaying @OneDirection #DragMeDown Listen on Spotify https://play.spotify.com/track/70OTIpw8x8UXUsuCHW9i1i

List of example tweets.