feeling rejected

“I hope we last. I hope we do.

But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:

I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - only for you though, only for you.

Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too.

If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.

Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew.

—  S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #132
What you see isn't what you get
  • Aries:
  • You see: Brashness, Egocentrism, Aggression
  • They feel: Pressured, Unequipped, In need of encouragement
  • Taurus:
  • You see: Possessiveness, materialism, greed
  • They feel: Safety fears, on quicksand, self conscious
  • Gemini:
  • You see: Lies, contradiction, Inconsistency
  • They feel: Split memories, rapidly changing needs, uncertainty
  • Cancer:
  • You see: Moods, volatility, hyper sensitivity
  • They feel: Abandoned, Rejected, responsible for you
  • Leo:
  • You see: Egocentrism, Drama, crises
  • They feel: Raw, heartbroken, scathingly self contemptuous
  • Virgo:
  • You see: Containment, coldness, pedantic
  • They feel: Out of control, anxious, embarrassed
  • Libra:
  • You see: Temper, flirtation, fakery
  • They feel: Ill defined, overly dependant, paranoid
  • Scorpio:
  • You see: Manipulation, moods, grandiosity
  • They feel: Damaged, wasted, controlled by unseen forces
  • Sagittarius:
  • You see: Critique, Temper, Abruptness
  • They feel: Homeless, Flawed, uncharted
  • Capricorn:
  • You see: Forbidding, remote, Rejecting
  • They feel: Ill fated, disliked, panic stricken
  • Aquarius:
  • You see: Distance, arrogance, Recluse
  • They feel: Isolated, hyper sensitive, destitute
  • Pisces:
  • You see: Moodiness, Lies, Vagueness
  • They feel: Undefined, unheard, chaotic
Being broken implies
That something here was whole in the first place,
But this puzzle piece has been missing a while now.
 
I search for it in libraries, in cobwebbed corners of antique shops,
Where dust hangs from ceilings with ominous innocence.
 
People have this funny idea that you must be built up
To be knocked down, that you have to be delicate
In order to shatter.
 
I never rose higher than the ground where I was sewn.
Dirt swallows me, strawberry plants bloom
Beside my empty corpse.
 
I wonder why it is that they can thrive
While I am stuck here– buried in old knick-knacks
And rusted pots and pans.
 
People have this theory that only fragile things break,
And maybe I am. Fragile, that is.
 
I often wonder where I’d be if these cracks
Were not here to begin with.
—  poeticallyordinary

If you don’t think Percy still gets flustered around Annabeth, then what are you doing?

THIS MIGHT BE A REACH BUT I THINK I’M ONTO SOMETHING HERE.

OKAY OKAY SO LISTEN 
There’s a lot of discorse about the new season and that’s understandable BUT I want you guys to look at something with me for a second. 

 I wanna talk about Keith and Lance. We all know Keith’s going through a lot, the blade of marmora is convincing him his own life matters less than the mission, that if he died it would just be for the greater good of the cause. So he’s pulling away, trying to make it so that Voltron doesn’t need him so that he could be… disposable. 

So Keith talks to Shiro and tries to get him to go back to being the black paladin. And *cough cough* fake *cough* Shiro tells him to buckle the heck up and stop whining and just be the black paladin. He doesn’t see, in that moment just what Keith is trying to do. So he gets mad. 

This is a face of pure dissapointment in Shiro. And Keith sees it. He really sees it, and feels it too. But he doesnt know what to do about it.

He’s the lone wolf, right? He doesn’t know how to function in a team properly. In the B.O.M he’s much more independant. Yes, he gets orders and people he goes on with missions but if you really watch most of those missions involve very little teamwork. 

So Keith is pulling away, but at the same time he’s getting the rejection from everyone in the team that’s pushing him away. When he shows up late in the begining of episode one Hunk, Pidge and Lance are super pissed at him, right? 

Right? 

No, go back and look at Lance. He’s not angry. He’s worried. 

Yeah, he says “Are you even taking this seriously?” But think about it. Keith is someone who throws himself into missions. He takes everything he does seriously and he puts a 100% of himself into what he does. He doesn’t half ass things, and it pays off. He gets results. 

Lance is used to seeing Keith do well. At the Garrison he was top of the class, when he was still with Voltron he usually spent his free time training. And now, all of a sudden he’s late to missions, falling behind while he’s the leader. 

Not only that but remember this scene? 

 Again,everyone looks super pissed right? No look at Lance. 

And remember the dialogue? 

Allura:You keep saying you’re sorry but your actions say otherwise. Do you realise that your actions put the entire team in jeoprady? 
Lance: And not Just the team but the refugees too. 

and again, look at his face as he says it. 

He’s not angry. He’s confused there. Think about it. What did Keith tell Pidge when she tried to leave? That other people’s lives were at stake if she left. Keith cares about the people he’s out there protecting. Lance understands that this is not how Keith normally is. 

We know that they got closer in season 3 with Lance opening up to Keith and all and you might even call them friends. Sure he’s not as close as (the real) Shiro is to Keith, but he’s close enough to see Keith isn’t himself. 

But what if… what if Keith did open up. 

I get that this might be somewhat of a reach BUT if you watch Keith’s vlog, it’s very likely he wasn’t alone when he filmed it (he looks like he’s talking to someone off camera. but also tells them to get them out of there. Not only that but the camera turns off and from how emotional he got and the way he was walking its unlikely he turned it off and if you watch Allura’s vlog, she definitely gets closer to turn it off). Now my first thought would be that seeming it’s tech related it would be likely that Pidge would be with him. 

But it doesn’t seem like something that Pidge would be into. Sitting and making vlogs with the paladins. Not her style. 

Okay so maybe Coran? He was the first to upload a vlog, and the camera might be some castle gear? Sounds reasonable enough. But why only be there for Keith’s vlog? Allura was definitely alone during her’s. Also, I dont see them having the kind of bond where Keith would say any of that to Coran. No offense Space unc, we love you. 

OKAY so not Coran or Pidge… so maybe Allura? 

No, the bond isn’t strong enough. As someone who is pretty similar to Keith in defense mechanisms, I don’t see him trusting her to a point where he’s this open with her especially after what happened the last time he opened up about his Galra identity. 

(We all know where I’m going with this, but for argument’s sake; I will keep going. Feel free to skip ahead.) 

Okay so Hunk maybe? He has the tech know-how and stood up for Keith during the whole Galra thing. Even if he did tease him a little… Okay but even then they haven’t really had much bonding since then. I suppose it’s possible if Keith was feeling particularly vulnerable and whatever. But… Would Hunk really bother Keith to make a vlog? and would Keith ask Hunk to help with a vlog? 

It doesn’t really seem in character. Yes, they’re closer but still… not close enough. 

So that leaves Shiro and Lance. First, lets look at why I don’t think it’s Shiro. 

As we know Shiro is someone Keith looks up to. He’s always extremely respectful towards him and it shows in his facial expressions and way of speaking. 

but then look at this; 

Thats not a face Keith would make at Shiro.

You know who he does make faces like that at? 

L A N C E 

So lets think about this. Does Lance have the tech know how? Well he’s always stealing Pidge’s shit so I’mma go ahead and say, yeah to that one. Allura seems equally technically inclined as Lance, so seeming she has no trouble with it that makes sense. 

And even if Keith didn’t ask Lance to help him with his vlog, you know what does seem Lance like? Suggesting Keith makes a vlog. 

So lets asume here, for a moment that Lance knows about Keith’s abandonment issues. That would explain why he looks so worried in the screenshot from before, right? He knows Keith is feeling rejected by his team and he knows that Keith’s behaviour has changed since he started working more with the blade. 

But while they got closer in season 3, and Lance has a better understanding of Keith now, I also think Keith was eager to put some distance between them after that outburst. So he starts working with the blade a lot, right? Meaning Lance hardly sees him. 

So they take a few steps back in their friendship.

And then Kolivan calls Keith to a mission that they all know will be dangerous and look at Lance’s face. 

Yes, you could read it as Lance not wanting his spotlight gone BUT remember that Lance isn’t as shallow as he seems at first glance. He’s not the loverboy he pretends to be and few realise it, but he masks a lot of his emotions. 

Yes, Lance thrives on attention. But do you really think that he would prioritise a show over a mission that could give them a great boost in power? No, this isn’t about the show, this goes deeper. He’s worried. He’s worried about Keith. 

He doesn’t want him to go. He needs him around. But he cant tell him that. Especially not in front of everyone. 

So what does Lance do? 

He makes a stupid argument, its not much, but it’s all he’s got. “We can’t razzle dazzle the crowd with four lions.” 
We need you, I need you. Thats what he’s trying to say. 

And Keith refuses. 

So Lance has that same expression. He’s looking at Shiro in dissbelief this time because he can’t believe he’s letting him go. 

So what we’ve established thus far is the following; 

-Lance definitely feels closer to Keith than he used to. 
-Lance was probably there during Keith’s vlog.
-Lance isn’t as straight forward as people think he is. 
-There’s probably some distance between them right now. 
-Lance has noticed Keith’s change in behaviour. 

So with all that in mind, do you really think Lance doesn’t see that Keith is in a bad place. He knows something is up. He can feel Keith pulling and he’s trying to tell him that they need him around but he doesn’t know how to say it. And then… then Keith tells them he’s leaving. 

yeah, everyone looks sad, but look at Lance. He looks deep in thought. What do you think he’s thinking? He just realised he lost Keith. And he gets it. Suddenly it all makes sense. Keith more or less reforced the bond between Black and Shiro and he was acting strange, showing up late. This is what’s been up with Keith and Lance finally figure out that this whole time, he was losing Keith. 

But he gives it one last try. 

Who am I going to make fun of? 

It’s so much more than a playfull jab. Think about it. Really think about it. 

“Who am I going to make fun of?”

Who am I gonna talk to? 

Don’t go. 

ADHD parkour

Leaping from one hyperfixation to another 

balancing between too little stimulation so we get distracted and too much stimulation so we get distracted 

climbing over the piles of crap we leave lying around our homes 

Bonus: Ft Rejection sensitive dysphoria: Jumping to conclusions about what insignificant actions of our friends mean. 

ADHD Awareness

What is ADHD? - It is a neurodevelopmental disorder that can affect anyone, no matter your age or gender. 

ADHD is not just being hyperactive- it is actually broken down into three parts

Hyperactive -  This can include, fidgeting, talking too much/out of turn, you’re often “on the go”, running or climbing at inappropriate times, impulse decisions etc.

Inattentive - This can include, not paying attention to detail, making careless mistakes, being distracted and forgetful, not being able to understand or follow instructions, impulse decisions etc

Combined Type - This type is one of the more common types, it’s a combination of both the hyperactive and inattentive types

ADHD can affect memory, and can cause poor emotional control, this is especially common with the inattentive type. 

What is RSD? - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is extremely common with ADHD. It causes us to have unexplained and often irrational emotions (angry, depressed, etc) when we feel misunderstood or rejected. It typically happens instantly. For example: A close friend or relative asks you to stop clicking your pen, and you start uncontrollably crying right after they ask you to stop. These feelings are often incredibly intense, debilitating, and painful

Medication - Many people may be put on medication for their ADHD. It may help, or it might not. Medication is not for everyone. Some people find that fidgeting or stimming helps more, and others find that therapy appointments are more beneficial

ADHD affects your school performance, your overall mental health, relationships with others, and so much more. ADHD is not just about being hyperactive. ADHD is real and valid.

I’m sure someone has already said this more eloquently than me but can we just talk about how diana bucks the Strong Female Character stereotype? too many people seem to think that Strong Female Characters = tough as nails, smartass, feisty, would never dream of crying, rejects all things feminine, not like other girls. diana IS tough but she’s also warm and kind and compassionate. she gets excited over a baby, she’s upset by the treatment of the horses, she doesn’t reject her feelings for steve, she’s visibly unsettled by the sight of wounded soldiers and crying children… and none of this is demeaned or treated as weakness or girlish naivety. I just thought that was so important and refreshing and beautiful 

All of a Sudden
You’re shoving dry cheerios
Down your throat
For breakfast
Your hands are sticky
From the sugar
You’re not a kid anymore
You’re almost twenty years old
And you went to class this morning
Still drunk.
5

“… I put my hand down in something soft and I looked down. I saw that kid every day for the next two years. Every morning I’d wake up he’d be looking down at me. What about you, Marcus? What do you see?”

“You want to know what’s in my head? Arguing. Mum and dad barking at each other like dogs. Both of them drunk. He’s swinging at her and she’s in a ball on the floor, trying to scoop her brains back in with both her hands. I’m yelling at him to stop, but he cracks her again. And now, now there’s blood coming out of her mouth like a fountain - I’m seven years old. I. I pull his poaching rifle off the back of the door and I shoot a bullet right in the middle of his throat and even as he’s going down his big bloody hands are trying to squeeze the life out of me - that’s for starters. I see this little unwanted boy stuck half-way up an oak tree all the other orphan bastards are trying to knock him down with bricks and balls to send him back to the infirmary so he can spend another night cutting patterns into his arms to send himself to sleep. I see this little boy in Mexico City. His neck is twisted all the way around and his mom is screaming at me from the doorway. I see a housewife in Seattle mixing bleach with tap water and telling her little girl that the water is holy so it burns her when it hits her skin. That is what I see when I close my eyes.