I don’t ship Benedict with Martin in real life because they have beautiful families and they’re very happy with their lives but hearing Benedict complain about Martin being “too busy” to call him even after Ben’s become a parent and has plenty of things to do reminds me of John in HLV and how he’s busy but waiting and waiting and waiting for Sherlock to call him and feeling rejected when he doesn’t and just waiting for a moment to accidentally cross paths I don’t know where I’m going with this but now I’m depressed.
But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:
I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - only for you though, only for you.
Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too.
If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.
Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew.
S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #132