Ok I am going to try not to cry on this one lol. Here we go.
When I was younger, my brother and I had a tradition. Well, I call it a tradition; he probably doesn’t. Right before iftar, we would go up in his room to listen to the radio. We would patiently wait the end of the day so we could finally eat. We would break our fast with a date, then we would pray, and then we would have dinner. I never did this with my sister though. Just my brother.
Now that he is gone (not dead, just married), I keep the tradition alive. I set up the table, take a date and go upstairs in my room. And I pray. I take the time to talk to God because it is a quiet time. A soft time. A peaceful time. And the first thing I ask God is not protection or guidance or love. No. It is forgiveness. Forgiveness for that I am too attracted to this world. I am. And I wish I wasn’t.
Islam tells me to live my life as a traveller, as this world isn’t real but the hereafter is. Don’t get too attached, I tell myself. But I can’t. Don’t lose yourself. But I do. And I feel bad about this.
Islam is the most important to me. The most. Nothing in this world matters to me more than God. Which is why I could never fall in love with a non-muslim guy. Because I would hate myself if I didn’t live this spiritual journey with someone who wants to be as close to God as I do. Because this is what love is to me. I need to love for the sake of God. And that is all that should matter to me.
I am truly in love with Sana. Because she is me. I am her. I relate so much to what she is living as a teenager because I wasn’t so sure of myself either when Iwas one. I wasn’t as close to God as I wanted to be. I chose to be friends with girls that didn’t respect my faith because I didn’t think I was valuable. I always had to justify my actions. “You’re too algerian” “you’re too french” “you’re not muslim enough” “you could be more beautiful if you wanted to” “a woman has to know how to cook” “this shirt is too short” “aren’t you hot with that hijab on?” “but it’s so sad you will never know what alcohol tastes like, here, have a sip, come on, just a little one” “you don’t know what you’re missing; dating is amazing” “Girl! this guy likes you, you should go out with him even though you don’t like him, you won’t find another good muslim guy like this one!” and so on.
When you’re 17, you’re in construction. Everything you hear has an impact on you. And this is tough. This is tough to know who you are and what you want when so many people tell you what to do. Which is why I left. Which is why I saw myself in Sana. Which is why her story matters. So thank you Julie. Thank you Iman. You managed to give us all the love and the fears and the tears Sana was feeling. We were feeling them. Being in someone’s perspective makes you this someone, which is why this show is magical, which is why I am going to miss Skam.
To end this, I am truly and honestly in love with Yousana. Perhaps the little girl living inside me needed to see that kind of love though I would have loved to see a muslim guy and a muslim girl falling in love. I know why my decision wouldn’t have been as difficult as Sana’s. But I also understand her. And it feels like Yousef isn’t coming back and as much as I want him to be there for this one final week (*tears*), I would understand why he wouldn’t.
For the ones interested by this text, thank you for reading my emotions out. I needed to write. May God protect you and your loved ones. Enjoy this life as much as you can and don’t forget to spread love.(Yes, I cried writing this)