Iain is like my best friend. He comes over a lot. And he really loves hanging out with Sylvia (5), they’re like best friends. Which is kind of cool actually. He like saves her artwork and all that. They’re like really buddies. I hang out with him the most socially.
I know I said I learned my lesson last time… but I’m also a strong believer in second chances. Which is why I’ve decided to replace all the Camembert in the house… with skim-milk mozzarella cheese sticks.
Suffer, you sentient bobble-headed incarnation of abject humiliation.
“So, you kissed her?” said John his face wide with shock.
“Yes.” Replied Sherlock, cocking his head in his friends’ direction.
“You. Sherlock Holmes, kissed someone…. And it wasn’t a game” John sat
down on the sofa his head spinning.
“Yes.” Replied Sherlock, his brow creasing in frustration. “I don’t
understand how you could think it was a game. I was perfectly honest in my
regard for Molly, I thought you knew that.”
“Well, yes, of course I knew that. But still! Sherlock Bloody Holmes
snogged Molly Hooper.” Said John, grinning like the cat who got the cream.
Sherlock returned his grin. “Yes, I did.”
“So, what happens now?” he asked.
Holmes ran his fingers through his hair, pushing the wiry curls from his
face. “I have absolutely no idea.” He confessed.
John let out a laugh. “The great Sherlock Holmes! The man who knows
everything, doesn’t know what to do.”
“You know perfectly well that I don’t know everything, and so do all the
stupid readers of your little blog for that matter.” He replied scowling. “I
have never professed to knowing everything, certain information by necessity
has needed to be deleted. Arbitrary facts that have no bearing on anything,
“The fact that the earth revolves around the sun.” John interjected.
“Well, you faked a relationship with Janine for a whole month, you
wouldn’t have been able to do that if you were completely clueless.” Said John.
Sherlock waved his hand in frustration. “That doesn’t count, that was
only ever a means to an end.”
John raised an eyebrow in comment to his friends’ insensitivity.
“Ignoring the fact that you are a total prick, isn’t it basically the same
thing? I mean, you fooled me.”
The consulting detective threw himself down on the sofa next to his
friend. “That was all about Janine, I deduced exactly what was necessary to
retain her affections and responded appropriately. My wants and needs never
factored in to it.”
The shorter man nodded. “So basically, you catfished her.”
“What?” asked Sherlock, it irritated him to no end when his friends used
nonsense words. “Look it doesn’t matter what happened with Janine, that
was never intended to last. This is real and I…” He trailed off.
“You want it to last.” John finished.
Sherlock gave him a weak smile. “Ridiculous, isn’t it? But if my
past is any indication that might prove difficult.”
John cast his mind back on the five difficult years of friendship he had
shared with the detective of Baker Street. Sure, there had been good times. But
there had also been severed heads in a fridge that never held anything remotely
edible. Days where he had to call in sick to work because he’d been up all
night on a case. The constant experiments that Sherlock would do to him, like
that time he lost a whole Wednesday after his friend had made him tea…
“Yeah, I see your point.” Replied John.
Sherlock lowered his head into his hands and mumbled. “I will
inevitably ruin this, won’t I?”
“No.” said John sternly, clapping the man’s back. “You’ve
got me to help remind you when you forget that other people are in fact,
“So then Doctor Watson, what do you recommend?”
“Well, what happened after you kissed her?” He asked.
left.” He replied.
screwed up his face in confusion. “Did she say anything?”
just sort of blinked at me smiling for a while, and then she said goodbye and
left.” he replied
that’s good.” Said John. Suddenly a scary thought crossed his mind.
Asked Sherlock, he watched as John’s face slackened. “Did I do something
Sherlock.” The man winced. “I really don’t want to have this
conversation? Why? What did I do?” He felt a knot tighten in his
stomach… could he have ruined it already?
haven’t done anything yet, but it’s something that you will be expected to
do… at some point.” John couldn’t think of a time he was more
his gaze wander as he tried to ascertain what he would need to do with Molly at
some point. Get engaged? He didn’t care about such things but he assumed that
she would want to eventually… that wouldn’t be so bad, it wouldn’t change
anything really, isn’t that what John had always said about his marriage? His
attention snapped back to the present as he heard his friend sigh.
Said John red-faced. He chewed on his words for a time, trying to find the
right way to say something important, and uncomfortable. “Sherlo- um mate,
have you ever…. been with anyone before?” Asked John, as he stared at a
spot on the wall somewhere near Sherlock’s left earlobe. “Janine? The
Realization dawned on Sherlock. “You’re referring to sex?”
out his hands in front of himself in surrender. “Look, I know you probably
don’t want to talk about this, and I definitely don’t want to talk about it,
but you do realize that it’s a part of every fulfilling relationship
we’re having quite a lot of sex!”
Molly’s voice rang through his head like a bullet. “Right.” He
“Have you ever… actually had sex Sherlock?”
“There have been occasions… yes.” Replied Sherlock
cautiously. John raised his eyebrow. “okay, once, at university…Mycroft
would stop calling me a virgin."
"And it was with a woman?” John pressed.
Sherlock rolled his eyes at him. “Yes.”
“Sorry, but with you, I had to ask.” He replied
The taller man sighed. “John you know I have always accepted your
covert homosexual tendencies, however, I do not share-”
“For the LAST TIME! I am not gay!” John shouted before
remembering the infant sleeping one room away. “I am not gay, I have never
been gay. I was married for Christs sake.” He whispered.
Sherlock smirked. “Had you going though."
"Oh you asshole.” Said John shaking his head.
“Funny, that’s what Molly said before I kissed her.” Said
“I can’t imagine why.” He replied crossly.
“I’m sorry.” Said Sherlock still grinning.
“Yeah well, you can’t help being a cock. And just so you know,
girls don’t really like the stuff in porn, so don’t use them as instructional
"Really?” Said Sherlock. “I should apologize to the girl
from uni then.”
“Oh god.” Exclaimed John bringing his palm to his head.
“Relax John, I will cross that bridge with Molly when we get to it,
I’m sure she knows what she likes. After all, she is more experienced than I am.”
“The Pope is more experienced than you.” He exclaimed
Sherlock continued. “And we are both frank enough to express any desires
we each have. I once recall Molly telling me-"
"No! No, no. I am done with this conversation now, I don’t want to
think about that… ever!” John proclaimed, waving his hands as if he
could physically deflect Sherlock’s words.
“As much as I have enjoyed the awkward conversation about my sex
life, I fail to see how this is helpful.” Said Sherlock.
“Okay, listen. Molly knows who you are, what your like, so you
don’t need to change for her.” John started.
“I know.” Replied Sherlock, a slight smile playing over his
“If only give you one piece of advice, it’s this.” He took a
deep breath. “Don’t lie to her… I mean it Sherlock, don’t ever lie to her,
don’t deceive her, and don’t ignore her. You’re not sheltering her when you do,
you’re not saving her. I mean hell, you’ve loved her for god knows how long now
and lied to her about it, look how that turned out. Just be honest with her,
don’t retreat into your head when times get tough, open your mouth and share it
with her. The lies nearly tore Mary and I apart and I don’t want that for you,
and I don’t want that for her.”
Sherlock stared solemnly at his friend. “Thank you, John. I
honestly don’t think I could do this without you.”
“Yeah alright, piss off, would you? Go and be with your
girlfriend.” Said John with a smile.
“Oh girlfriend…. no that won’t do, that’s far too trivial to
describe Molly don’t you think?” Replied Sherlock staring off into space
“If you start writing poetry, in checking your arms for
needles.” Warned John.
Sherlock smiled and clapped his friend on the back. “Who needs
drugs when you have the real thing?”