feel the benefit

Just friends.
But we stay up until an ungodly hour talking to one another. We talk about everything that late at night. Past midnight, that’s when the deep stuff comes out.

Just friends.
But we’ve been to the movies together a few times. Just the two of us, alone, together, in the dark. He picks me up and pays for the whole thing. Sounds like a date to me.

Just friends.
But when he brings me home from our dates, he walks me to the doorstep and we kiss. He kisses me right on the lips, and sometimes on the cheek. We kiss a lot.

Just friends.
But after one of our dates, he brought me to a motel. I lost my virginity to him, right there on that bed. Fast forward a few months and he comes to visit me in my dorm. We have quite the interesting nights up there.

Just friends.
He won’t tell anyone about me. He won’t even give it a label. Not boyfriend, not dating, not even friends with benefits. Nothing. Just friends.

…Yeah, okay.

— 

“Just friends”

12/2/16

How could you do something like that to a girl? How do you introduce her to your family and kiss her like you’ll never let her go? How do you go on dates and tell her good morning/night everyday? How do you tell her she’s beautiful and look at her like she’s the only thing in the world? How do you hold her hand and spin her around? How do you invite her over to watch movies and give her your sweater when she’s cold? How do you do all of that and then just leave? How do you do all that and not have it mean anything?

Friends.
With fingers searching
the places that past lovers
bled dry with their touch.

Friends.
Wanting to be wanted
but not wanting to want.
Trying to shake the ghosts
that still linger and haunt.

Friends.
Talking every day,
understanding the deepest parts
of one another, without offering
to be a safety net. 

I cannot decide if all of this makes us
more than or less than
friends.

—  // Where is the benefit? // S.K.K. // May 24, 2016 //
Kiss me, fade me

Just for tonight, stay. Don’t love me, don’t tell me I’m beautiful. Whisper all the things you want to do to me, so I can tell you I want them too. Breathe my scent and grip my hips, kiss my neck and sit me in your lap. Let’s pretend just this once that I’m the one you want and I won’t care I’m not. I want you. Once. Twice. I crave you. Once. Twice. I need you. Once. Twice. I love you. Love me. Tell me I’m beautiful. Just for tonight, stay.

LMAO

My therapist was in my yoga class this morning. I, being faceblind, totally failed to recognize her. She sent me an email when she got home about confidentiality and meeting in public and how it’s okay if I want to say hi to her, but she’ll let me make the first move.

I had to reply like, “I’d be delighted to greet you in public if I ever know who you are…”

I was in seventh grade

and I said no to a boy who asked me out

it was my first time getting asked out

I wondered why all the girls were jealous


In high school I always wondered 

what point there was to my friends dating 

just to break up months later


Tenth grade a boy asked me out

I didn’t see any point

He didn’t know me, I didn’t know him

I declined multiple times

even after he gave me a bouquet of roses

even after I agreed to go to prom as friends


By senior year that same boy and I became best friends

and once again he asked me out

this time I said yes

since we’ve already gotten so close I thought I’d give it a shot

but I didn’t want to ever do boyfriend/girlfriend things with him

I was annoyed when he would walk me to class

it was out of his way and so it was illogical

I declined to go out on a date on valentines day

I never even kissed him

so I told him I liked it better when we were just friends


My family would always ask when I was going to get a boyfriend

strangers would ask if I had a boyfriend

I never did

I never wanted one

I never felt like I needed one


By college I had figured out I was attracted to both guys and girls

I found all genders beautiful

but only if they were aesthetically pleasing

my friends would call me shallow

they would say that I was horrible 

when I would tell them I only wanted to marry for money

and not for love


I was at a party and we played spin the bottle

I was nervous because it was my first time kissing

but when we kissed

I felt nothing

it wasn’t that great

and I couldn’t wait till the game was over


One night I was sitting in the car with my friend

she said that she didn’t mind being single 

and I agreed with her

then she asked,

“but don’t you ever feel like it would be nice to have a boyfriend?”

I didn’t agree with her

I’ve always been content with being with myself  


It hasn’t been until now that I realized that I am an 

Aromantic Asexual

I wish I would have known what that was in seventh grade

instead of growing up thinking there was something wrong with me

my whole life I felt different and like an outsider

my whole life I felt awful


When I finally learned that I was an Aro Ace

I felt so relieved

there were other people that felt the same as me

I wasn’t alone

I was happy


But when I expressed this to my friends

they told me it was because I’ve never really been with anyone yet

that I wasn’t ready for a relationship

they felt sorry for me and tried reassuring me that I’ll find someone someday

they missed my point

they thought I was upset that I felt like this

that I don’t have romantic or sexual feelings 

but what made me upset was that they didn’t understand

that this is who I am 

and I was happy


It is important for people to understand 

that there are different types of sexualities

so kids growing up don’t think that there is something wrong with them

that others can understand what that person is going through

that it is normal for people to be like that and to feel that way

I wish I would’ve understood that 

and I wish my friends understood that


It would have made my life so much better

The Elementarium, by Isobel Winter  


What is it?

The Elementarium is a script based on the Latin alphabet that I created about three years ago.

What is it for?

Initially I created The Elementarium as a way to write down spells, sigils, and other magical words that had anything to do with the elements, or that I wanted to embellish with the power of the elements. These days I use it for all magical purposes. Is especially effective as protection and spell charms.

Who is it for? Can I use it?

Anyone who wants to use it! I’m opening it up to the wider public because I feel that they would benefit from a magical script to use that they know was written by a witch, instead of using one in which they are unsure of the origins or rules. I’d love to see what you use it for; please post a picture and tag me in it, or tag it as #elementarium.

Why use it?

Unlike conventional linguistic scripts, this one was invented specifically with magic in mind. It automatically has a deeper connection to your inner energy. I created the script by meditating and then writing symbols down with my eyes closed, visualising how they would fit into each letter.

A letter from my language isn’t on the script, what should I do?

Send me an ask telling me which letter this is and I will create it! When I wrote it I was learning Norwegian and Swedish, hence why those letters are present. But I truly believe that everyone should be able to write magically in their own language, so please don’t be afraid to send me a request.

Can I get a tattoo of it?

Of course! I have a friend who did so and it looks great, I’m waiting on her to send me a picture so I can show you all. Just make sure you don’t mess up how you’ve written it down; I don’t want to be blamed for a shitty design.