feel homicidal


I’ll likely never know for certain. It’s possible you’ll never even know for certain.

why tumblr ruins everything

the babadook is a representation of all of the anger and grief and denial and loathing amelia has over the death of her husband. we see her sleep more and more and fall apart, trying to drug her son ie. get away from him and isolate herself, violent outbursts mixed with tears and apologies, and when she ‘lets it in’ in her sleep (representation of the subconscious decision) she allows the grief to overcome her –> the homicidal feelings, ie. wanting to kill the pet (her replacement for the husband) and her son (the only thing she has left of him), but it’s overcome when her son shows her physical reassurance –> he finally understands and acknowledges the grief, and she ‘lets it out’ again; the importance of “do you want to die”: is she going to allow this to overwhelm her to the point of suicide. yadda yadda birthday on oskar’s death day shows she finally accepts samuel as her son, she has to go and keep 'feeding’ it worms (bugs: representation of the intrusive thoughts she kept having, parasitic and sign of decay) and keep allowing it some time to roar and get out all of the anger and loss, especially shown by the fact she’s nearly knocked over by the force the last time we see her face it because it’s still raw, but it’s controllable. shape of babadook –> masculine presence she both needs and loathes in her life, claws showing intrusiveness, hat proving how it’s elusive ie she doesn’t know what she wants or who she wants it to be (oskar or ronnie). she says samuel can 'see it’ when he’s older ie. she’ll tell him about the true extent and nature of her trauma.
and now the babadook is a gay icon because this accidentally got put in the lgbt section of netflix

I'm sorry

The prompt was ‘fuck or die’ and it got a little out of hand.

NSFW, noncon, guns, bruises, violence, death threats, horrible language, anal sex, anal fingering, crying. 

proceed at your own risk.


‘You should be happy.’ Mo Guan Shan spat, pacing the small room like a tiger pumped full of amphetamines.

He Tian looked at him from where he sat on the filthy mattress, rubbing his sore shoulder and trying to figure a way out of this, knowing full well there wasn’t one. ‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean?’ he asked.

Mo Guan Shan stopped walking, keeping as much space as possible between them. ‘This is what you’ve been wanting, right? To fuck me? Here’s your chance.’ His voice was steady but his hands shook.

Fucking Christ. How was he supposed to respond to that? Of course he wanted to fuck him, he had for years. But not like this. Never like this. Whatever the fucking polar opposite of this is, that’s how he wanted to fuck him.

That didn’t seem like the right thing to say, somehow.

The man that sat in the corner of the room cleared his throat loudly, tapping his shiny new Colt on his thigh. ‘If you’re not going to do it I can get a few of my boys in here.’

‘No.’ He Tian snapped, standing up, putting himself between the two. The man laughed, checking the time on his phone. ‘So, get on with it.’

He Tian didn’t have to see Mo Guan Shan in that moment. He could feel his nervous energy from where he stood.



It isn’t fair. Nothing, of course, is ever fair, but especially this. Mo Guan Shan doesn’t deserve this. He never deserved to be pulled into He Tian’s shit and he doesn’t deserve to pay for his bullshit.

The man raised his gun slowly, leveling it at He Tian’s chest. His finger on the trigger and the  tremors in his hands were a little nerve wracking and a lot fucking infuriating. He wanted to tell him to fucking do it, but he wasn’t going to be able to protect Mo Guan Shan while bleeding on the ground, so he fought the urge to open his big fucking mouth. Never call a junkie’s bluff, especially when he’s holding a handgun he doesn’t know how to use.

There’s a life lesson, don’t say i never gave you anything.

He Tian sighed heavily, turning his back on the gun.

‘Mo Guan Shan-’ he started.

‘No.’ he interrupted, shaking his head like he could dislodge the moment like a bug in his ear.

‘You need to listen to-


Holding his hands up in front of him like he hadn’t for the gun, he took a step forward. Mo Guan Shan backed up. It wasn’t a large room so he hit the wall on step three.

‘You need to calm down.’ He Tian tried to keep his voice quiet and even as he took another step towards the man. ‘I know this is a horrible situation, and I am so fucking sorry,  but it’s going to come down to them…’ he gestured vaguely behind him ‘…Or me. It’s your choice.’

Mo Guan Shan’s gaze flicked over his shoulder and looked like he might vomit. There was a long, agonizing, moment of silence.


Oh, thank God. He hadn’t been looking forward to making that choice for him. In his relief, He Tian uttered two phrases he hadn’t realized he was capable of even thinking.

‘It’ll be over quick-’ and ‘-you can fuck me.’

Before Mo Guan Shan’s eyes could literally leave his face, the man in the corner interrupted with a simple ‘Nope.’

He Tian turned turned away, making his way back to the mattress and lowering himself down again, trying not to argue:

Resigned, Mo Guan Shan approached and joined him.

He Tian hoped he’d never see this look on his face again. What happened to the man that kicked and spit and snarled all the way here?

Mo Guan Shan was sporting an impressive black eye, swollen nearly shut, ruptured blood vessels darkening his sclera like he’d dripped red ink into his eye.

‘This isn’t a date, kids.’ Came the man’s voice. ‘I want the redhead over the side of the mattress. Now.’

Mo Guan Shan adjusted accordingly, propping himself up on his elbows and staring down at his hands.

‘Stand up. Get behind him.’

He Tian obliged, placing his hand on Mo Guan Shan’s hip as he bent down, hoping it looked like something it wasn’t, and whispered in his ear.

‘I’m going to put something on your mouth, under your tongue, and you can’t spit it out. Please trust me.’

Mo Guan Shan nodded, almost imperceptibly, and He Tian reached between them, trying to make it look like he was adjusting himself, and reached into his pocket, fishing out a small, white, pill. He broke it into four tiny pieces along its fault lines and held them between his thumb and pointer finger before covering Mo Guan Shan’s body with his own.

Knowing how it looked to the man with the gun at his disadvantaged angle, and how it felt to Mo Guan Shan, he carefully slid his fingers between his lips, prompting him to lift his tongue, and carefully placing the small pieces there.

Mo Guan Shan gagged and He Tian clamped his hand over the other man’s mouth. They really did taste disgusting.

From the corner of the room came the distinct sound of a zipper. He Tian wondered how many shots the fucker could get off before he reached him and how many teeth he could yank out before his friends intervened.

‘Touch him.’ The man instructed.

Gritting his teeth, He Tian pushed his hand under Mo Guan Shan’s shirt, rubbing little circles into his skin, hoping he could sooth him, if only a little bit until the pill started working. Would it be better to drag this out? Wait for him to relax, or just get it over with? Which one of those would make Mo Guan Shan hate him less when this was over? Probably neither. It’s way too fucking late for that.Their captor seemed to be enjoying this so he opted to go slowly. After several long minutes of trying to rub some of the tension from his muscles, hoping it looked like he was taking his time for his own benefit, the man spoke up.

‘Move your hips, show him how hard you are.’

He Tian rolled his hips slowly, putting as little pressure as possible into the move. Mo Guan Shan shivered below him when he realized the man had been right, He Tian was hard.

‘Let’s see some skin, pull his pants down.’

Hating himself more than Mo Guan Shan ever could, he reached underneath him, prompting him to lift his hips and suppressing a shudder when he did. Unbuttoning his jeans, He Tian hooked his thumbs in the the waistbands of his pants and boxers and worked them slowly down his hips and over his ass.

How many times had he imagined doing this? He tried to comfort himself with the fact that, in all his fantasies, Mo Guan Shan had been a willing participant. It didn’t help.

‘Touch him.’

So he did. He ran his hand over the soft skin and gave his hip a small squeeze. Mo Guan Shan was beginning to relax, the medication taking effect.

‘Great,’ the man told them, ‘Now put a finger in him.’

Just like that, the tension was back.

‘I don’t have any lube.’ He Tian told the man through gritted teeth. Digging around in a bag next to where he sat, a bag He Tian did NOT want to know the contents of, the man fished out a small bottle and tossed it to him with a smirk. Small mercies.

He popped the cap on the bottle of lube and used a generous amount to coat his fingers. Mo Guan Shan tried to push himself up but He Tian held him down with a hand between his shoulderblades. He wanted him to fight, but not now. It wouldn’t help either of them.

‘I’m so sorry.’ He Tian whispered, leaning over him again and pressing a slick finger to his entrance. He began to struggle in earnest, but He Tian was stronger and kept him still as he slid his finger in. Mo Guan Shan went rigid, every muscle in his body tensing, rebelling against the feeling, the intrusion.

‘Mo Guan Shan, I promise I’m not going to hurt you.’

He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut fighting the frustration and the fog from the medication. ‘I can’t…I-I don’t…I haven’t…’

He Tian felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over his head before punching him in the gut.

‘Please, please tell me you’re not a virgin.’ He Tian begged.

‘None of your fucking business.’ Mo Guan Shan mumbled, sounding more frightened than angry.

He Tian closed his eyes, seeing red and willing himself to calm down. Moving his finger slowly in and out, waiting for him to adjust. He didn’t want Mo Guan Shan to hear each step from the disgusting man watching them, so he whispered ‘I’m adding another finger now. Mo Guan Shan winced as he did, tightening up again.

‘I know it’s uncomfortable, please try to relax.’ To his surprise, Mo Guan Shan’s muscles softened around his fingers, just the tiniest amount. He could see how much Mo Guan Shan trusted him and it made him feel a little homicidal.

‘How about you make him feel good, sweetheart, I bet you know how to do that, right? A faggot like you?’

He Tian turned to him, looking at his hand on his cock and up to his face, eyebrows raised. That was a pretty strong word coming from someone enjoying this so much. He let that go unspoken, but it was clear the man had understood and pointed the pistol at Mo Guan Shan this time.

Moving his fingers slowly, he carefully searched, crooking his fingers and brushing Mo Guan Shan’s prostate. He either hadn’t been paying attention or hadn’t known what to expect because his body jerked and he let out a surprised yelp. Any other time, any other place, he’d have reveled in the fact that he was the first one to touch him like this, not now.

It hit him that Mo Guan Shan was losing his virginity to someone he didn’t like, on a filthy mattress, at gunpoint and if the man in the chair wasn’t going to die before, he sure as fuck was now and that’s going to be the only satisfaction he’d get out of this.

He eased off, but the tsk-tsk sound from the man told him that was the wrong move, so he continued, stimulating the previously untouched bundle of nerves. Mo Guan Shan trembled beneath him, and this is the worse thing He Tian ever done.

‘He Tian, s-stop, I’m going to…’


Would that make it better or worse?

‘Finish him off.’ The man instructed.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry.’ had become He Tian’s mantra as he slid another finger in and increased the pressure. Mo Guan Shan came with a heart wrenching sob, and his body went slack.

The man groaned softly and had He Tian mentioned that he was going to fucking die?

Knowing it was cruel, but seizing the opportunity while he was relaxed, He Tian eased his fingers out, unzipped his jeans and pulled his aching cock free. Pouring lubricant into his hand, he slicked himself thoroughly. He lined himself up with Mo Guan Shan’s twitching entrance and pushed in in one fluid movement, covering Mo Guan Shan’s mouth to stifle the loud, desperate, sound the sick fuck wanted to hear.  

He moved slowly, wanting to let him adjust to the entirely unfamiliar sensation.

‘I told you to that you were going to fuck him, not make love to him like it’s fucking prom night, so fucking do it or I will come over there and show you how.’

Moving faster, he dropped his head on to Mo Guan Shan’s shoulder. He didn’t want to hurt him, he just wanted this to be over.



‘Pull his hair.’

With each order, He Tian imagined cutting off one of his fingers. Mo Guan Shan was shaking violently, his eyes shut tight, He Tian could feel his jaw clenching under his fingers. He groped for He Tian’s hand, an anchor. He Tian dropped down onto his elbows, pressing them together tightly, and entwined their fingers as Mo Guan Shan let his head fall forward, panting against He Tian’s palm.

For a moment, he could pretend this was real. Pretend that Mo Guan Shan had wanted this and they were at his apartment, in his bed, doing this right.

But it wasn’t.

And he didn’t.

And they weren’t.

A minute or so later, he pulled out, finishing on Mo Guan Shan’s back and releasing him. He wiped him off with his hand and wiped that on the blanket. He tucked himself back into his jeans and pulled Mo Guan Shan’s back up, helping him stand up.

‘Alright, we did it, can we go now?’ He Tian asked, too tired to do much else. The man escorted them through the dank warehouse, not bothering with blindfolds or zip ties this time. He opened the padlock with a key around his neck and pushed them both out into the cold, quiet, night.

He Tian called a taxi and they rode in silence. For very different reasons, neither one of them thought to call the police. Mo Guan Shan, a little unsteady on his feet, let He Tian help him into his apartment. He started a shower for him and waited for him to finish in the sparsely furnished living room.

It was half past fuck-all in the Goddamn morning and he wanted nothing more than to curl up and sleep for seven or eight months.

‘Do you want me to go?’ Mo Guan Shan shook his head, avoiding eye contact. ‘I don’t care. It’s your choice.’

Bile rose in He Tian’s throat at the sound of his own words from barely two hours before.

‘Mo Guan Shan, I am so-’

‘He Tian, I never want to hear you say ‘I’m sorry ever again.’