fedoras everywhere

HAPPENING NOW AT DASHCON

Reports are still coming in but here are the facts we’ve verified at FIJMU:

  • Welcome to Nightvale has cancelled.
  • The game room only has one video game system and one television.
  • The two are not connected.
  • Under 500 people showed up.
  • The hotel does not have wi-fi.
  • People playing in the ball pit have complained of itching.
  • The $17,000 raised at the last minute has been spent on cocaine.
  • Nash Grier is filling in for Welcome to Nightvale.
  • Former supporters are protesting and picketing the entrance.
  • Two cosplayers have died of boredom, several other hospitalized.
  • Nash Grier has been shot.
  • Two more Nash Griers have grown back in his place, and they’re terrorizing the game room.
  • People who played in the ball pit have reported growing new appendages.
  • There are now four Nash Griers. Participants have been asked to stop shooting them but more and more keep coming.
  • George Lucas has cancelled.
  • Water quality is low, more itching is reported.
  • Germany has defeated Brazil 7-1.
  • Those complaining of itching are now quarantined.
  • The quarantine zone does not have wi-fi.
  • Reports of theft are at a record high for the USA since the Great Thieving of 1807.
  • The MRA table has been burned to the ground, there are smouldering fedoras everywhere.
  • The band “The Smouldering Fedoras” has cancelled.
  • Welcome to Nightvale has been caught in bad weather exiting the convention.
  • The “Dash” in DashCon has been stolen.
  • There are now over 128 Nash Griers stampeding in the game room.
  • The itching has become a burning. Heat upon Heat. But the Gom Jabbar is at our necks we cannot withdraw!
  • Jessica Alba has cancelled.
  • The ball pit was apparently filled with the eggs of the giant tse-tse fly.
  • A horde of Griers is now fighting the hatched giant flies.
  • Yet the convention is still boring as watching paint dry.
  • The drying paint has cancelled.
  • The convention has been declared the best in tumblr history.

More news as it comes. And now the weather.

Update:

  • Welcome to Nightvale is now suing FIJMU.

anonymous asked:

sally how do i get a girlfriend

Well… Gentlemen

  • Women love hats, remember to always wear a fedora everywhere- it’s very mature, and shows signs of interests. They simply cannot friendzone you that way.
  • Talk about how important Men’s Rights are and explain why we need the Patriarchy. 
  • Never date a feminist
  • If they are religious, dump them immediately- Religions are the source of evil, and they will never experience true euphoria and the full power of science
  • Talk to them about your obsession for particular shows and try to convince them into it, if they don’t, then they’re just h8ers, lol xD
  • Offer them Dorites
  • If they friendzone you, it’s okay, you’re way too attractive for them anyways

Good luck, gentlemen

5

for those who haven’t heard: im reclaiming the fedora for Mean Guys everywhere. criteria for being a Mean Guy:

  • despite the name, being a Mean Guy doesn’t require being mean to everyone. as a matter of fact, it’s best to be as kind as possible to all people. this kindness, however, is not to be expected to be repaid with dates/sex/ANYTHING.
  • make fun of Nice Guys, MRA’s, bronys, etc.
  • be really cute and wear a fedora (for added Mean Guy effect, deface the fedora)

that’s it! go forth my Meanies.