feather fall

Random joke magic items

Here’s a list of random joke items to use for fun in your campaign. I’d recommend adding them to treasure hoards rather than subbing normal items for them.
Anyway here they are:

1. Ace of Spades - An ace of spades from a standard card deck. No matter where you store it on your body, you will always be able to find it in your right sleeve afterwards.

2. Amulet of Extra Amulet Slot - This amulet allows you to gain the benefit from two magical amulets rather than one. It cannot be further enchanted.

3. Amulet of Feather Fall - When worn, this amulet turns into a feather and falls to the ground.

4. Amulet of Unbreaking Bones - Con-man says you can’t break any bones. Really, he means other’s bones. -100% damage against skeletons.

5. Amulet of weather detection - yells that it is or is not raining.

6. Anti-Matches - A box of matches. Striking one will make it begin to drip water from the tip while the match shrivels away. The amount of water a match releases is about enough to fill a tablespoon.

7. Arrow of Euarere - A silver arrow, suspended on a string. It always points to the person holding the string.

8. Arrow of Slaying, The - This magical arrow is capable of killing a creature.

9. Artist’s Bludgeon, The - Inanimate objects hit with this bludgeon will receive no damage; they will however change color.

10. Attentive Guardsman’s Pike - These ornate and deadly-looking ceremonial pikes are reach weapons and appear to weigh at least 20 lbs, not counting the weight of the fluttering banners that can be unfurled for parade use. Constructed of shadowstuff, they weigh one pound, and inflict only a single point of damage on an attack, being almost entirely for show, although they also have the unique property of remaining in place when set (although unable to support more than 20 lbs), allowing a ‘resting his eyes’ guardsman to prop it up and leave it standing under its own power, while his hand sags off of it.

11. Attentive Guardsman’s Tabard - A dozen of these tabards were fashioned for palace guardsmen in the Empire of Sard, 250 miles from the nearest enemy. The bearer is placed under a glamour that causes him to appear alert and awake, even if his eyes are closed and he is snoring lightly.

12. Axe of Big Numbers - This axe shouts “Big numbers baby, come on!” whenever it is swung, but always deals 1 damage or less.

13. Axe of Empathy - Every time you hit something with this +5 greataxe, you get dealt an equal amount of damage. Both you and the thing you hit are then healed the amount of damage dealt by the axe, even if either are dead. The Axe hopes you have learned your lesson.

14. Axe of Pain - The axe is always moaning and groaning with pain.

15. Bag of Faerie Gold - This sack appears to be full of gold coins and jewels. When one attempts to spend them, however, the glamour on them soon vanishes, revealing them to be nothing but leaves and pebbles. Obviously, most shopkeepers will not be happy about this, and no amount of ‘we didn’t know, I swear!’ will change their mind.

16. Bag of Holding - This item functions as a normal backpack, however when attempting to retrieve an item, a calm female voice tells them there is a wait time of 4d10 minutes before they can retrieve their item (actual time is stated time plus 6d6 additional minutes). During this wait, the bag plays either annoying muzak or advertisements for the bag’s creator’s other products/services. Upon attempting to retrieve an item, there is a chance that the wrong item is retrieved, or that the intended item is simply missing. Obtaining the original item requires an additional 4d10+6d6 minutes and has only a 5% chance of success.

17. Bag of Trading - You can take one thing out of the bag for each object you put in the bag. However, you have no control over what you get, and there are no trade-backs. Past research seems to imply there’s some sort of correlation to what gets you what, but it’s extremely convoluted and far from understood.

18. Bag of Trick - This bag operates like a Bag of Tricks, except it only works once a week and produces a rat each time it is used.

19. Bag of Unholding - Quite a large backpack but even the smallest item doesn’t fit.

20. Bagpipe of Stealth - Grants the user invisibility as long as it is being played.

21. Ball of Eyes - A snow-globe filled with miniature eyeballs. When shaken, it grants the user a blurry, jittery vision of some future event.

22. Banana Walkie-Talkies - There exist two, and only two, of these items in the world. One of which is possessed by a cranky and lonely half-orc. It appears to be an innocuous wooden banana with a coat of faded yellow paint. When an end (doesn’t matter which one) is placed against your ear, you can hear a ringing followed by a click and a half-orc yelling at you for waking him up at this ungodly hour. If you drop the banana or “hang up,” the call ends. If you stay and listen, the half-orc will yell at you, call out obscenities, and start going on about his daily problems and mishaps in his love life. Every so often (2% chance/day), the banana will ring while you are sleeping and the half-orc will want to talk to you about his problems.

23. Barrel of Holding - This large wooden barrel measuring √(12/π) feet in diameter and 5 feet in height can hold up to 15 cubic feet of matter.

24. Beam Sword of Severed Nerves - A beam sword. It cannot cut anything but nerve strings. Will pass through any other material leaving no harm.

25. Belt of Pants - This belt creates illusory pants on the wearer. The wearer can suppress the illusion at will

26. Belt of Tightening - Every time you put this belt on, all of your clothes permanently shrink a fraction of a millimeter. The effect is compound.

27. Belt of Unbathed Breath - When worn around the waist, allows the user to breathe underwater. Does not function when wet.

28. Boogie Skeleton - This pile of bones is small, such as one that might be obtained from a bird or a toad, though it can look as though it came from any creature. When a song is sung or played in the vicinity of the skeleton, it begins to dance appropriately. As soon as the music stops, it collapses into the pile of bones again. The skeleton, when dancing, can be no larger than Diminutive.

29. Book of Canon - A book that automatically transforms into a copy of the sacred text of any religion, translated into the language the user is most familiar with.

30. Book of Confusion - The letters in this book always appear to be upside down, even if viewed from different directions at the same time. The book is a bad novel about zombies.

31. Book of Curses - When opened, the book verbally berates anyone in the immediate vicinity, calling into question their combat ability, intellect, personal hygiene, lineage and profession of their mothers, and other delightful insults. Once closed the book continues shouting (although it is muffled) until placed inside a bag or some other similar container for 1d4+1 minutes and ignored. Replying to the book in any other way causes the insults to get louder and more childish the more time you spend replying to it.

32. Book of Exalted Deeds - Contains a listing of some of the finest houses ever sold and the specifics of the titles to the properties.

33. Boots of Blinding Speed - The wearer’s speed is doubled, and they are blinded.

34. Boots of Levitation - These boots levitate a few inches off the ground when not worn.

35. Boots of Stylishness - Knee high black boots that are always clean and shiny. They never take in water, thus feet are always dry.

36. Boots of Teleportation - Allows the player to teleport wherever they like, but don’t carry the wearer with them when activated; the boots teleport just fine, though.

37. Boots of Walking - The wearer of the boots cannot run, nor can he take a double move action, and takes a -5 to Tumble checks. These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do.

38. Bottle of Air - It’s a bottle. Full of air. Congratulations.

39. Bottomless Beer Mug - Any liquid poured into this mug treats the bottom as incorporeal, but solid objects don’t.

40. Bowl of Comfortable Warmth - Any liquid in the bowl will feel comfortably warm, so icy cold water will feel like it’s a bit over room temperature. Do note, however, that it’s still icy cold water, it just feels warmer.

50. Breastplate of Secret Detection - If the wearer of this breastplate gains a piece of information that is somehow connected to the concealment of a hidden conspiracy or plot, a live and still wet red herring forms on the inside of the armor.

51. Bullying Gloves - At random intervals, these gloves instil the wearer with a near-irresistible urge to hit themselves.

52. Bunyan’s Belt - When worn, causes an enormous, bushy black beard to appear on the wearer’s face.

53. Cape of Resistance - When this item is placed on any living thing it somehow manages to fall off, untie itself, slip past the owner’s neck entirely, or otherwise avoid being worn.

54. Case of the Litigator - Translates any document placed in the case into legal jargon; non-reversible. Does not confer the ability to understand legal jargon.

55. Cat of Schrodinger - When this cat is not being observed in any way it is both dead and alive. When something observes it, it suddenly becomes either dead or alive with a 50% chance of either.

56. Chair of Steadiness - This chair can be moved but cannot be tipped over by anything less than a DC 35 Strength check.

57. Charles - This small, unremarkable figurine of a gnome refuses to be called anything but Charles. No other name will leave the lips of the speaker. It has no other powers.

58. Chime of Interruption - This instrument can be struck once every round, which takes a standard action. On any round the chime is activated the user may ready one action without spending an action to do so.

59. Chime of Opening - Commonly affixed to or near doors, when pressed it emits a sound on the interior of the owner’s home to let them know guests have arrived.

60. Chime of Opening (Alternate) - When struck against a solid surface, this chime emits a loud click, and opens along its length, to reveal a tiny compartment adequate to conceal a single 'smoke’ worth of pipeweed or a blowgun needle. When the compartment is closed, it is seamless and can be detected only with a DC 20 Search check. If hit with an instrument such as a small mallet, it chimes.

61. Cloak of Billowing - This black and silver cloak will always billow dramatically behind the wearer, it has no other effects.

62. Cloak of Displacement, Minor - This item appears to be a normal cloak, but when worn by a character its magical properties distort and warp reality. When any attack is made against the wearer the cloak has a 20% chance of falling off, no matter how it is secured.

63. Compacting hammer - The force imparted by it is multiplied, but is spread around the surface of a struck object facing inward.

64. Cymbal of Symbols - This musical instrument enables the user to comprehend dead languages, but only while they are deafened by noise.

65. Dagger of Told Secrets - A simple-looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper your most embarrassing secret to that person.

66. Dagger of unnatural sharpness - The blade is exceptionally sharp to your touch. It confers no combat bonuses but can be used as a normal dagger for fighting or crafting, but the user seems to always cut himself in minor ways when using it.

67. Dagger of Untold Secrets - A simple looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper the most embarrassing secret of that person to you.

68. Decanter of Endless Sorrow - A pewter flask that produces limitless alcohol when held to their lips by someone who is troubled. It gets them drunk but they never feel any better.

69. Diadem of Brothaurity - When wearing this headpiece, you are as elegant and well-spoken as a famous diplomat or regent, but you can’t stop calling everyone bro.

70. Enchanted Book of Collected Stories - Opening this will cause miniature creatures/people to pour out and perform a chapter from the book much like a theater.

71. Focusing Ring - The digit on which this ring is worn can be viewed in extremely high definition from a great distance.

72. Gloves of Tinkering - Wearing the gloves will make you able to almost repair any broken item. However, you will always end up with pieces from the item that don’t seem to fit anywhere.

73. Glowing sword of orc detection - When it gets orc blood on it the sword glows.

74. Good Luck ring - Gives your enemies good luck!

75. Greater Staff of Random Summoning - Summons a random creature at a random place. You could be summoning a giant Ogre on the other side of the globe for all you know.

76. Helm of Awareness, The - The wearer is acutely aware of the fact that they are wearing this helmet and that it has a magical effect. - All you need to do to make this work as a DM is frequently remind the player that the helm is magical while they are wearing it but be evasive about exactly what it does.

77. Hoarder’s Wand - Does nothing but for some reason you think it might be important later in your quest.

78. Hood of Offensive Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others to the appearance of the person they most personally dislike.

79. Hood Of Worrisome Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others, however the identity used will be random.

80. Indestructible Notebook of Memories - This otherwise normal notepad of normal notepad size cannot be damaged or destroyed, and anything written in it cannot be obscured or defaced. It also has unlimited pages despite its finite size. However, the data it holds only lasts as long as the writer independently remembers it, and decays in exact proportion to the relevant memories. Remember who and when, but not where? Then the words describing the location in that particular entry are the only ones gone.

81. Intransigent Rod - When the button on this artifact is pressed in, the holder’s opinions solidify and they become impossible to convince.

82. Key to anywhere - opens any door into a closet with a water bucket that falls and hits the player’s head. Inside this closet is the treasure of true adventurers. If opened with a key, it opens a closet…

83. Lunch Box of Delicious Unfulfillment - This lunch box will hold whatever food you desire. However you will never get full and the food will deliver no nourishment.

84. Mask of Concealment - Hides the wearer’s face and conceals everything from them by blocking their eyes! Bonus points for requiring a strength check or a time limit to expire to be removed.

85. Mattress of Poverty, The - No matter how you fluff this gorgeous, thick, mattress, you will always sleep on the thin part of it.

86. Mug O’ Dissatisfaction - A mug that always produces a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea when tapped on the bottom. It conjures the opposite of what the tapper prefers, so if you like tea you get coffee and vice versa. Handing the full mug to another person will make the drink in it transform to the opposite of that person’s preferences.

87. Murder Dagger - All damage it would deal is instead replaced by the target being harassed by crows for that many hours.

88. Needle Of Learned Compromise - This needle will create beautiful tattoos of any design, however they hurt a tiny bit more. When used to sew it is entirely normal.

89. Portable Dark Tavern Corner - Consisting of two wooden boards connected by a hinge, this artifact draws those nearby into assuming it is a perfect spot to conduct seedy business.

90. Potion of fire breathing - For the length of time that the potion is in effect, every breath out is on fire, whether you want it to be or not.

91. Potion of Quelchment - Cures thirst when consumed

92. Ring of Fire Detection - becomes warm when placed into Fire.

93. Ring of First Impression - Wearing the ring will make you able to perform a perfect handshake with the hand wearing it.

94. Ring of Stoneskin - Turns your skin, muscles, and organs into stone! Character is now a stationary statue. Can’t be reversed until someone takes the ring off.

95. Rope of Entanglement - Becomes entangled when left in a pack

96. Sack of Hive Eggs - Crushing one of the numerous tiny eggs will cause the thoughts of everybody in the proximity to merge. Everybody can hear what you think and you can hear everybody.

97. Shirt of fire protection - this shirt is sopping wet.

98. Shoes of the Restless Traveler - These shoes allow their user to run for miles without feeling fatigue, but if they try to do anything else with it (walk, sit down, jump), they will instantly trip

99. Sword of Parrying - Parries every attack, swinging it yourself will force it to “parry” your opponent’s weapon/attack even though he/she/it is defenseless.

100. Torch of Night Vision - grants bearer Night Vision while lit.

101. Vorpal Grindstone - It can “sharpen” any object to become vorpal. Any object.

102. Wand of command - Lets your character be controlled after saying the command word!

103. Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand - Creates a Wand of Create Wand. Consumes original Wand.

104. Wand of Pigeon Summoning - summons 1d20 pigeons everyday. On a 20 it breaks and summons a giant pigeon god (can be the size of Godzilla or like 5 pigeons.) Giant pigeon god should be in the mid 20s for CR, but is uninterested in attacking, and will simply fly away when summoned.

105. Water Hat, The - A small red hat, when worn, causes water to pour from the wearer’s fingers at the speed and pressure of a kitchen faucet at half power.

106. Wineskin of the Eternal Primary - This wineskin never runs out of water, but even the tiniest sip makes you have to go potty, like, super bad. Right now.

“I am Native American from the Omaha tribe in Nebraska. My Indian name means ‘shooting star.’ I wish the world knew that we do still exist. And, no, we don’t all live in tepees. When I see people in headdresses or Native American accessories, I feel disrespected. They don’t know the meaning behind it, how we wear it, or what we do to earn it. This is a real eagle feather. It doesn’t just fall off an eagle and someone says, ‘Oh, here — it’s yours.’ You have to earn it in my culture. I feel powerful when I wear it, more confident, and more connected to my ethnicity. I’ve never been embarrassed about being Native American. I take pride in it. I love how spiritual we are — it’s like we’re in tune with the Earth and the universe. I know there’s no other culture out there like mine.”

Daunnette Reyome

Winged people.

-Okay but peple with wings. People having wings specific to different birds, people with owl wings able to gracefully fly without making a sound, people with air diving bird wings (eagles, hawks, buzzards) who can fall for long distances but not break any bones if they land correctly, people with water bird wings who have water proof ones which dry very quickly. 

-Society having sub groups among the subgroups each type of wings having stereotypes (eg. prey birds: Housewife/husband).

-Peoples wings become more colourful the more loved they feel.

-Wings that mimic their emotions many have learnt to keep them under control but some keep them tightly shut so they don’t seem obnoxious or knock everything over.

-People who dye their wings whether due to fashion trend or think their wings are boring.

-Laws in certain areas, like building sites and sky scrapers where you aren’t allowed to fly.

-Stress causing feathers to fall off.

-Everyone moults and gets a new and beautiful wingsthat stand out, this time of year is different for everyone.

-People with small wings wanting big fluffy ones, people with big fluffy ones veiwing their wings as clumsy and as a nuisance and wating smaller neat wings.

-A couple of people who beleive that certain wing types have certain personalities (like the zodiac but with wings) and devoting their lives to that belief. One example could be people with Robin wings are angry and arrogant.

-People with different sized lungs dependant on what altitude they can get to and how large their lungs are.

-Swimming with wings. Those who haven’t got water proof wings can buy a wax which makes them more sublime in the water.

-Wing competitions (like body building competitions and fashion competitions).

-Cameramen Kestrels (They can hover and stay in one place for a while kestrels are like helicopters)

-Little children wanting to fly but their wings aren’t big enough, usually you can learn to fly at 11-18 years of age. 

-Teenagers who have had growth spurts unable to fly for a while cos their wings aren’t able to grow fast enough.

-Some people being natrually better at building muscle, or find it easier to gain fat and then find it hard to lose it due to their wing type.

-Flying police, paramedics and fire fighters who are strong af as they have to carry their equipment and suits/uniforms sometimes even carry others.

-Flying pizza man.

-Flying amazon delivery man who delivers loads of small packages at once.

Wiiinnnggggssss

B. A. R. D.

Bard : So we’ve got this airship.

Gunslinger : Yup.

Bard : And I can cast Feather Fall on a small group of people.

Gunslinger : Mmhmm?

Bard : So technically, if it DOES come to war, I can drop a small task force of heavily armored troops into the enemy’s backline. Probably archers.

Gunslinger : You know… That’s a good idea.

Bard : I’m gonna call them BARD Jumps. Brilliant Aerial Reconnaissance Drops. Bard.

Gunslinger : *facepalm*

Typical

Context - the party are dungeon-delving into a rather mischievous vampire’s underground ‘lair’. They spot a door at the bottom of a pit.

DM: There’s a ladder you can climb down.

Rogue: Okay, I’ll go down and check for traps *succeeds*

DM: The ladder’s fine…

Rogue: I reach the bottom and yell up –.

DM: … but as your feet hit the floor, you trigger the trap hidden on the ground. Fireballs explode from all around you and those on the ladder.

*4d6 fire damage*

DM: Roll to keep hold of the ladder.

*NPC companion nat 1s*

DM: Anton falls and …

Rogue: FEATHER FALL!

 DM: … lands gently on the floor…….. triggering the trap again.

Party: FFS

*3d6 fire damage*

DM: Again, roll to keep hold.

*Ranger-druid fails and hits the ground*

Party: NO

*2d6 fire damage*

DM, gleefully: And again?

*Cleric fails and falls*

*1d6 fire damage*

DM, is far too happy: Once more?

*everyone succeeds and makes it down the ladder, but only because the trap is exhausted*

Party: *is totally wrecked and on its last legs purely because of fire and fall damage*

Rogue: *took absolutely no damage because of evasion* Well that wasn’t too bad. Let’s look at this door…

DM: The door is painted on the wall. You’re literally in a dead end pit.

Party: …………

Got7 reaction to you being awake *smuttish*

Request:  Got7 reaction to you walking out of their room in nothing but a tee shirt and sexy underwear when the other boys are there and saying sleepily “Oppa come to bed” please?


Jaebum

When he sees you standing at the frame of the door mouthing to him “Come to bed”, Jaebum being an angel will smile at you, tell you to go cuddle yourself in bed, give him five minutes to make the boys go to their homes and he’ll come to cuddle you. He told you before going after you. Stopping you in the middle, he kissed the temple of your neck and whispered. “Do this one more time, and I’m gonna back fire at you. They saw something reserved for my eyes.” he said as he cupped your pussy. “That’s mine and I don’t like others to see it. Clear? Go to bed, I’ll deal with you tomorrow, Love.”

Jinyoung

“Oppa, it’s too loud. Please just come to bed.” you’ll say, tiredly rubbing your eyes with the end of Jinyoungs’ dress shirt you were wearing. The dress shirt lifted a little and the end of the Victori Secret panties, his favourite ones, was on display. “Baby, you are really tired.” he’ll say, before taking you in his arms bridial style and tugging you to sleep with the background of “AWWWWS” coming from Got7 themselves. When in reality, when he tugged you, instead of “Good night”, you received “I saw them. And don’t think they didn’t. Not quite the right decision to tease me in front of the others, don’t you think?”

Youngjae

When he saw you coming out of the room and asking him to come to bed, in nothing but a hoodie and the dark red lace panties showing under the hoodie, Youngjae was quick to kick the boys out, making excuses like “She can’t sleep from the noise.” when the truth was that he couldn’t sleep because of the sudden visit and was very thankful for your interference. And playful. Because of the panties.

Jackson

When a small voice interuppted the boys saying “Oppa, please come to bed. I don’t want to be alone.” Jackson saw his beautiful angel in one of his t-shirts hair braided and the ribbon of the lace pink thong he gave you, could be seen from the shirt. He forgot about those around him and smiled softly. Standing up from the couch, he’ll accompany you to the floor where no one could hear you two. A light-feather kiss will fall on your forehead and Jackson will ask you to wait just a little bit.

Mark

You were a little bratty creature indeed. So when the “emergency meeting” took more than 30 minutes, you got upest. They ruined the perfect mood for a wild night. You kknew Mark was nice to Got7 and he wouldn’t kick them out without a little push. So you put on his grey hoodie and steped in the living room. “Oppa, I know t’s probably really important, but can’t it wait until tomorrow?” Mark smiled, knowingly and was quick to add “Boys,she’s right. Let’s do this tomorrow. It’s really late.” Soon they were all out and Marks eyes were full of lust. “So, where were we?”

BamBam

Bam Bam was angry when the boys ringed on the door bell. He was just about to eat his dessert, you, for being a good boy, and Got7 decided to show up. He couldn’t just kick them out, so he told you he’ll come back soon and if he doesn’t you to just fall asleep. Which actually happend. You fell asleep, the boys came in and asked where you were. BamBam told them you’re sleeping and everyone went to check, which caused you to wake up. “Oppa, are you coming back to bed?” “Soon baby, I’m coming soon. Sleep for now.”

Yugyeom

If the others couldn’t kick the boys out, Yugyeom couldn’t for sure. The maknae was having actually a pretty good time, but he was worrying if his kitten, you, will be alright to sleep alone, to which the answer was “No.” Soon you were standing in the middle of the living room wearing only his sweater and black panties with a ribbon that fell down your legs and was clearly visible. And then the voice of an angel came “Oppa, come to bed please!” and Yugyeom became as hard as a fucking rock. Yugyeom called you and told you to lie on his legs to sleep if you want and you obligated fast and happy. Yugyeom’s lap was your throne after all. When you layed your head you heared a hushed whisper “ What I’ll do to you once they are gone. Wait and see.”

highlights from my 12-person d&d session

Or, “How I Saved the World from Complete and Total Destruction… Oh, and These Eleven Idiots Were Here Too, I Guess” by Ilya the Bard

  • The halfling monk interpreted “no armor” to mean “no clothing at all” and also, “covered in oil.” The rest of the party didn’t want to get near him, which was unfortunate because we all had to squeeze together to sneak past some zombie giants, and the naked monk almost ruined it by scraping his bare butt against one of them
  • The tiefling sorcerer/warlock (or sorlock), a follower of the Great Old One, a cult leader, and ostensibly the most evil member of the party, spent most of the campaign buffing or otherwise aiding other party members. The paladin, who had vowed to kill him once the session was over, changed his mind by the end because “you’re all right.”
  • The paladin climbed a castle wall, launched himself at a Beholder, stabbed it in the eye with a spear and then hung there as the rest of the party piled other attacks on top of him, yelling, “I CAN TAKE IT!”
  • The Beholder cast Dominate Person on a few party members, but that didn’t do anything because we killed it before it got to their turn… in just over a single round of combat. Twelve-person party, man.
  • The drow rogue (named Drizzl Do’Furty) spent half of the campaign disguised as a Canadian suburban dad named Chad who stumbled upon the dungeon while looking for the Home Depot and just… stayed there.
  • Later, the rogue got swallowed by a Mimic and lost his disguise in the ensuing chaos. The paladin became convinced that the drow was someone else entirely and Chad had been devoured by the Mimic.
  • The rouge encouraged this by using his Helm of Telepathy to pretend to be Chad’s ghost.
  • The human fighter (one of several) didn’t use his weapons and instead just threw vials of acid at the bosses.
  • The naked monk, upon discovering that he was immune to poison, proceeded to cover himself with neurotoxin and drow poison to deal extra poison damage whenever he punched something. The rest of the party’s reactions to touching him went from “ew” to “oh hell no” and he was forced to travel at the back of the party, at least ten feet away from the nearest other party member.
  • My character, a half-elf bard, rolled a nat 20 on Deception and convinced a group of ilithid that we were Eldritch Girl Scouts selling cookies. They let us pass without fighting us, with an order to “leave the cookies here for when you die further into the dungeon”
  • A few rooms later, my bard rolled a crit fail on her Arcana check for a magic statue and became absolutely convinced that you had to eat the statue to proceed through the dungeon. She almost persuaded other party members to actually do it.
  • When the drow was swallowed by the Mimic, the sorlock used Eldritch Blast at least six times in a row to punt it, at intervals of 10 feet, out of a side room into the main room while the rest of us waited. We immediately dealt over 100 damage to it, which… killed it very very dead.
  • Upon facing the final boss, a gigantic red dragon, the dragonborn sorcerer attempted to seduce it by singing a traditional dragon courting ballad, Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You,” accompanied by the rest of the party.
  • He failed.
  • The sorlock polymorphed his horse (which he had been riding this entire time) into a T-Rex. The resulting wild magic surge made him unable to speak for the next minute, and instead pink bubbles came out of his mouth.
  • He counterspelled the dragon’s subsequent Polymorph spell on him by flipping it off with both hands. Luckily, Counterspell only needs a somatic component.
  • I inspired the dragonborn sorcerer, who was named Jeremiah, by singing “Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog.” He immediately spent it on persuading the dragon to kiss him.
  • He succeeded.
  • And then was KO’d by the dragon.
  • The dragon collapsed the bottom of the dungeon and sent us all plummeting into an infinite free-fall. Our party dealt with this in several ways, including:
    • Casting Feather Fall or Fly on themselves/other party members
    • Casting Feather Fall and then Fly on the T-Rex, and having other party members grab onto it
    • Dimension Door onto the back of the dragon (me, and the paladin)
    • Using a grappling hook to grapple onto the dragon’s tail (acid-throwing fighter)
    • Having another party member throw them onto the dragon, while both party members are falling (halfling monk)
  • The monk decided to run as far up the dragon’s nostril as he could in order to better deal poison damage.
  • The dragon was finally killed by 5 points of poison damage from the naked, oily, covered in poison halfling monk shoved halfway up its nose.
  • The world was saved. A glorious end.
Yours, Castiel

Anon Request: Could you do a Reader x Cas where Cas makes creative use of one of his feathers?

Word Count: a little over 2k

Warnings: this is some CHEESY SHIT, FAM. also there’s some language. but basically just a fluff overload.

Originally posted by yaelstiel

You slowly walked into the map room and rubbed your eyes, still weary from sleep. You were surprised when you opened them and saw Castiel sitting at the table, furiously writing something with…a feather?

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Licking the Carpets Clean

Background: The party had just moved into an abandoned keep and were a few days into restoring it to a liveable condition. It is now late in the evening and the hired housekeeper, a mid-twenties human woman, comes out of the kitchen to bring a quickly prepared dinner to the group. She had been receiving some grief from our tiefling paladin about the floors not being clean enough to eat off of all day. So when she sets the food before us she mutters under her breath, “I swear, if anyone drops any of this on the floor I will make you eat it off the floor and/or lick the carpets clean.”

Me (human druid): Do I hear this.

DM: It was muttered loud enough that you could hear it with your passive perception, yes. 

Druid: I would like to cast feather fall on the housekeeper and then make an attack roll to trip her with my staff.

DM: Okay, make an attack roll vs her dexterity saving roll, with advantage thanks to feather fall.

Druid: rolls 17 

DM: Well she rolled a 5 and an 11, so as she turns back towards the kitchen you lower the end of your staff catching it between her feet and she falls to the ground, quickly at first and then softly as feather fall takes affect. 

Everyone: (silence)

Druid: I look down at the housemaid, smirk, and then with my -2 modifier to charisma say, “Oops looks like I dropped you on the floor, I guess I will have to lick your carpet clean.“ 

(Everyone looks to me and then the DM, stunned, as this is the first time ever playing my character has done anything like this, usually being the serious one of the group)

DM: Roll a straight charisma check, with disadvantage. 

Druid: First roll Natural 20, second roll… another Nat 20!!

DM: Seriously, she rolled a 2 for her charisma saving throw!

Druid: The druid leans further down to her ear and whispers, "your quarters or mine”.

(Everyone loses it at this point.)

(The housekeeper and my druid have been dating ever since and may have a little one on the way.)

okay but gansey, blue, ronan and adam all get tattoos of the word “remembered” in honour of noah but they all add their own touch to it:

gansey’s looks like it was written out on an old typewriter. a small crown resting on top of the R with a few tiny stars scattered around it. ronan’s is in a simple bold font, jet black raven feathers falling around the word almost as if they were falling like leaves off a tree. blue’s is written in her own handwriting that she got the tattoo artist to copy, a whirlwind of bright blue lillies surrounding it. adam’s is also written in a simple font, yet it has branches and leaves growing off of the word, resembling the trees found in cabeswater.

because they may be the king, the greywaren, the mirror and the magician, but noah was a part of all of them, a part of all of their hearts. and he’ll always be remembered.

Imagine

Taako is kinda missing having an umbrella as his staff and Lup makes him another one. 
Just like the old one with feather fall and magical but instead of consuming liches and fallen magic users, it vacuums up loot after combat.Or works like a loot/metal detector. 

THE HAMMER & THE FEATHER DROPPING AT THE SAME SPEED IN OUTER SPACE

The reason they fall at the same rate is because there is no air resistance in outer space.

When a feather falls on Earth, there are a million air particles “bumping” into it and slowing it’s descent. Similarly, air particles “bump” into a hammer, but it doesn’t slow down because it has such a big mass. 

In outer space there is no air, so the two objects fall at the same rate.

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in another world, when you are loved, you grow wings  to show it. the bigger the love, the bigger the wings. 

and a world that sees wings as the ultimate status symbol. celebrities with gigantic wings that cannot fly because they are too heavy. monarchs that have stylists to enlarge their (very stumpy) wings. 

babies born with the soft proof of their parent’s love, babies flaking off feathers when their parents don’t care enough. teenagers who watch their wings flake and grow every day, never sure who loves them or doesn’t. having your crush figure out you like him because his wings won’t stop fluffing up. 

bullies who fake having large wings, who hurt others because they never felt whole, who go home and try to wish their feathers into growing. gentle, soft people who have long wings they’re embarrassed of, who tuck them and try to be average because they don’t like showing off. 

weddings where there’s so much love in the room everyone’s wings swell up. the couple having perfectly matched wings which don’t stop their steady growth. waking up next to your husband of six years to find he’s gone and all your feathers have fallen off.

a girl who is pushed down and laughed at for her little wings, her broken home. who knows she’s ugly for it, who feels perfectly alone. who one day walks into a room with another girl who happens to complement her shirt and within six days has become the closest friend she’s ever learned. her wings spreading big and wide and proud over other people’s heads, her new feathers getting in the way because she’s not used to them, pushing her new feathers out of the way so she can kiss the girl she’s dreamed about.

finding your best friend and watching the feathers sprout. lying awake in bed feeling useless and yet having this proof that someone out there loves you. helping a stranger on the train only to have a few cautious pinfeathers tickle their way out. wondering if they felt that tickle, too.

waking up from a dream very confused, hoping a boy six blocks down doesn’t come into school with suddenly slightly larger wings. ace people with arching wings who are absolutely loved by their friends, who are absolutely loving. your boyfriend promising you that boy he’s flirting with means nothing, finding that your feathers are slowly falling out in the shower each morning. 

having average wings and a sad heart and doing your best to be alive and happy and whole but failing terribly - but working towards it, slowly, until one day you see your wings spreading and get excited about who it could be, who liked you enough to change you this drastically; only to figure out on a tuesday afternoon that it’s you, you’re the one who loves yourself for once; and the thought is so big and wide and lovely that you sit down on the floor and can’t stop crying because despite everything, you made it. and that’s amazing.