"It’s been almost two months and during this time I’ve been unconscious of everything I went through during twenty years. I don’t even know how the sunlight looks like anymore.
We started a game. I’m two steps ahead. He doesn’t know how to follow the rules.
Sometimes he comes home pissed and destroy the furnishings. I shrink down and squeeze my eyes. I want it to be over. I feel fear and insecurity. I’m stuck in a snowball that gets bigger everyday. Next day, he tells me he’ll make it right. The next one, he repeats all of his psychotic acts, spouting his own blood on the floor while he cuts his right hand. He likes pain and I like watching it. I don’t understand it, I want to die.
The bed is messy and cold. No one sleeps there. I remain on the floor. The mirrors are broken. Justin has a bruising on his face. I made it. He always smiles when he hurts me.
Our gazes collide and I push him off me. I feel my arms being hold tightly and I feel my body touch the ground. I feel weak until he lays his body over me. The sex starts. We screw every night. I love the way he hurts me.
He’s been having sex with another women. His shirt has a lipstick mark. I ask him what it is. I love him more than those bitches. I throw his shirt on the floor and I get pushed. We start to scream. I get pushed again. I fall down and slap his face. We’re not a couple.
Justin comes home and his wrist is bleeding. I don’t care, sometimes, I laugh. Then I try to runaway again. He asks me if I’m out of my mind. I haven’t seen Taylor. I haven’t seen anyone. I regret the fact that I didn’t run when I had the chance. Maybe I’m losing my mind.
We eat together sitting on the floor. Justin laughs and tells me how he stole the bottle of vodka that we are drinking. I end up laughing even if I don’t want to. He puts his dish aside and run his hands over my exposed legs. I feel my body dilate. I want him now. We’re kissing on the floor. I love the way he touches me.
He brings his friend here. Ryan! He’s a gentleman and he loves his girl. They fight because of a game that is on. I stay up in the bedroom hearing their laughs. Ryan leaves and we watch porn, smoke weed and fight. He pulls my hair tightly and bites my arm. I cut his face and he laughs. He hugs me. He whispers, “No one will ever love you more than me”. We’re not a couple.
I tell him I hate him and he bites his lips. I’m his precious brick. I’m naked over his bed while I’m his muse. He composes and draw me. He tattooed me on his arm. He promise me he will never hurt me again. Lies. We’re trapped up in lies. Next night, we fight one more time. I fall and choke my head on the table. It’s bleeding. He paints the ground with my blood. He writes the word “doll”. He loves me for 10 seconds and hates me for 50.
I want to go home but I smell a flower. There’s a blue hydrangea in his hand. He puts it on my hair, but later it’s crumpled on the floor. I stepped on it and he punched the wall. We don’t match. He’s different. I’m different.
I’m over his body. He looks at me and strips my hair over my face. I’m a submissive. I punch his back using all of my strength. He tells me I’m weak. I cry. Can he see through the tears? I’m not weak.
In the bathroom, I’m crouched and he takes off his red underwear. I love when he uses that color. I don’t know what to do.
I sing. He smiles and holds my back. He says he loves when I sing and give me a studio just to record music. He touches my thigh. I close my eyes. I don’t want his touches. But it’s alright, it will go away. He kisses my open mouth. We fuck in the couch.
I miss my fans. He tells me they don’t really care about me. That they don’t love me like he does. I disagree. I tell him he doesn’t love me and he laughs. I cry. I love him so much. I swallow my tears of rage. I’m sick of crying. Sick of being sick. So I go away. I heard on his new song that it was a bad day.”
Well, I wrote this someday lost in July of 2013! I just felt like sharing it so here I am. Just want to put people inside my mind. Nothing but the truth now. So I feel like it’s the real time to share it. Warrior is a song that I wrote some weeks ago. I hope I can encourage people. OFFICIAL AUDIO: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UFeJkfB4xKo
✖️I’m sorry it had to be this way ✖️