Asalamu alaykum. I've sent this as a request in hopes of lifting my spirits. I tend to feel pretty depressed whether I commit to Islam or not. If I pray 5 times a day, I don't feel good. If I miss all my prayers, I feel like garbage. Honesty, I feel like whatever I do, good or bad, I think I'm going to hell either way. It's messed up, but it's constantly running through my mind. I wanted to hear thoughts from someone who's more ... pious I should say? I'm tired of feeling this way.
Wa'alaikumasalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh!
This is shaytaan messing with your head. Allah is the most merciful, if you’re fulfilling your obligations to Him, you need to believe in His mercy.
We must have a balance of hope and fear of Allah -
hope in His mercy and forgiveness, and fear of His punishment.
The fact that you feel bad when you miss your prayers is actually a mercy of Allah towards you, that’s Him calling to you. So, He obviously wants you to focus on Him and He loves you. There are people who miss all of their prayers and don’t feel an ounce of guilt, alhumdulilah you are not one of them - Allah is the one who put this guilt in your heart to bring you closer to Him, subhanallah.
The feeling of depression, you have to give it time. I don’t know how long you’ve been depressed, and how long you’ve been committed to islam but depression doesn’t really just magically go away. It takes time to heal so you need to make lots of duas and be patient dear sister/brother.
I promise you, if you stay steadfast on your deen, you WILL get out of your depression - I PROMISE. I’ve been there and being steadfast in deen will bring you happiness in the end.
Don’t have the mentality, “I’m not any happier so I should just quit Islam.” no, no, no. This is a test from Allah. I know there are days in depression where you just want to stay in bed and not do anything at all, but these are the times where getting up and praying is the most rewarding. Complain about everything to Allah, and when Allah sees that even though you feel crap, you still showed up to prayer for Him - He will reward you. It is your test, do not leave the thread of faith for this. Be determined and seek refuge in Allah against shaytaan often.
It is shaytaan who whispers into people’s hearts - “Didn’t Allah say He will help? well? Seems like you’re just wasting your time and hopes” and “You'r enot worthy of Jannah, God will never forgive you. You’re destined to Hell.” This is the work of shaytaan.
On the contrary, Allah says:
“Indeed, your Lord knows, [O Muhammad], that you stand [in prayer] almost two thirds of the night or half of it or a third of it, and [so do] a group of those with you. And Allah determines [the extent of] the night and the day. He has known that you [Muslims] will not be able to do it and has turned to you in forgiveness, so recite what is easy [for you] of the Qur'an. He has known that there will be among you those who are ill and others traveling throughout the land seeking [something] of the bounty of Allah and others fighting for the cause of Allah . So recite what is easy from it and establish prayer and give zakah and loan Allah a goodly loan. And whatever good you put forward for yourselves - you will find it with Allah . It is better and greater in reward. And seek forgiveness of Allah . Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” - Quran 73:20
Allah addressed both, how to obtain happiness and His level of forgiveness here.
So who will you listen to, the one who is the enemy of mankind out of spite and jealousy? Or the One you will return to who describes Himself as the Compassionate, Merciful, and the Loving? It’s your call. It’s all about mindset, think good of Allah, and He will give you good. Perhaps that is why your depression is still clinging with you as Allah said “ Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” [13:11]. So change the negativity within yourself into hope and good thoughts towards Allah, be steadfast in the commandments of Allah and try your best to fight negativity in yourself, and I promise you that help will come.
I hope I managed to advise you and lift up your spirits. I hope you will contact me again as I hope to see your progress in sha Allah.
Take care and have good thoughts!! Recite Surah An-Nas often for protection against shaytaan and his helpers, and say “au'dhubillahi min ash shaytanir-rajeem”
May Allah guide you and grant you happiness, ameen.