fear of the empty

Personality Disorder: Masterpost

What are personality disorders? How many are there? If you need help to self dx or are just curious as I was while researching this, I hope this post helps you.

Personality Disorders: An Overview

Each of us has a unique personality made up of traits that come from both our genetic make-up and our life experiences and is a vital part of what makes us who we are and how we interact with others.  

A personality disorder is a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving certain things, such as relationships, people in general and emotions. However, that does not make you dumb, broken or worse.

Personality disorders usually become noticeable in adolescence or early adulthood, but sometimes start in childhood. They can make it difficult for those affected to start and keep friendships or other relationships, and they may find it hard to work effectively with others. They may find other people very scary, and feel very alienated and alone.

In general, individuals with personality disorders may have difficulty sustaining close or intimate relationships. They may experience chronic interpersonal problems, or have difficulties in establishing a coherent sense of self or identity. Others may perceive them to be impulsive, irritable, fearful, demanding, hostile, manipulative, or even violent. Problem alcohol or drug use, mood disorders, certain anxiety or eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal thoughts or attempts, and sexual problems often accompany personality disorder.

The diagnosis applies if you have personality difficulties which affect all aspects of your life, all the time, and make life difficult for you and for those around you.

The different types of personality disorders

Psychiatrists in the UK tend to use an American system of diagnosis which identifies 10 different types of personality disorder. These types can be grouped into three categories, which are usually called ‘clusters’:

♦ Suspicious ♦ - Cluster A ( odd, eccentric )

  • Paranoid
  • Shizoid
  • Shizotypal

The common features of the personality disorders in this cluster are social awkwardness and social withdrawal. These disorders are dominated by distorted thinking. 

♦ Emotional and impulsive ♦ -  Cluster B ( dramatic, emotional, and erratic )

  • Borderline
  • Histrionic
  • Narcissistic
  • Antisocial

Disorders in this cluster share problems with impulse control and emotional regulation. 

♦ Anxious ♦ - Cluster C

  • avoidant
  • depedent
  • obsessive compulsive

One person may meet the criteria for several different types of personality disorder, while a wide range of people may fit the criteria for the same disorder, despite having very different personalities. 

Quick overview of all the different personality disorders

••Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)••

This is characterised by a lack of regard for the rights and feelings of others, and a lack of remorse for actions that may hurt others. People with this diagnosis frequently ignore social norms of acceptable behaviour; they may disregard rules and break the law. Consequently, if you have this diagnosis you may also have a criminal record; you may also have problem drug or alcohol use. Sadly, this kind of behaviour is also likely to result in difficulties in relationships, with rejection (given or received) a major feature.  

Antisocial personality disorder signs and symptoms may include:

  • Disregard for right and wrong
  • Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others
  • Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others
  • Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure
  • Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated
  • Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior
  • Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonestyImpulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
  • Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence
  • Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others
  • Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others
  • Poor or abusive relationships
  • Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them
  • Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations

Adults with antisocial personality disorder typically show symptoms of conduct disorder before the age of 15. 

Treatment:

Cognitive therapy — first developed to help patients with depression — has recently been applied to ASP.

Medication:

No medications are routinely used or specifically approved for ASP treatment. Several drugs, however, have been shown to reduce aggression, a common problem for many antisocials.The best-documented medication is lithium carbonate, which has been found to reduce anger, threatening behavior and combativeness among prisoners. More recently, the drug was shown to reduce behaviors such as bullying, fighting and temper outbursts in aggressive children.Phenytoin (Dilantin), an anticonvulsant, has also been shown to reduce impulsive aggression in prison settings.Other drugs have been used to treat aggression primarily in brain-injured or mentally retarded patients. These include carbamazepine, valproate, propranolol, buspirone and trazodone.  Antipsychotic medications also have been studied in similar populations. They may deter aggression, but potentially induce irreversible side effects. Tranquilizers from the benzodiazepine class should not be used to treat people with ASP because they are potentially addictive and may lead to loss of behavioral control.

••Avoidant (anxious) personality disorder•• 

Typically, a person with this diagnosis fears being judged negatively by others, leading to feelings of discomfort in group or social settings. You may come across as being socially withdrawn, a ‘loner’. Fear and anxiety may mean that you have difficulty in holding down a job, as well as experiencing difficulties in relationships. This can be very painful for you as you can feel lonely and isolated, while at the same time, fearful of those relationships and situations that might make you feel more included and engaged with a community or circle of family or friends.

You are likely to:

  • avoid work or social activities that mean you must be with others 
  •  expect disapproval and criticism and be very sensitive to it 
  • worry constantly about being ‘found out’ and rejected 
  • worry about being ridiculed or shamed by others 
  • avoid relationships, friendships and intimacy because you fear rejection
  • feel lonely and isolated, and inferior to others 
  • be reluctant to try new activities in case you embarrass yourself.

People with avoidant personality disorder experience long-standing feelings of inadequacy and are extremely sensitive to what others think about them. These feelings of inadequacy leads to the person to be socially inhibited and feel socially inept. Because of these feelings of inadequacy and inhibition, the person with avoidant personality disorder will seek to avoid work, school and any activities that involve socializing or interacting with others. 

Treatment:

Treatment of avoidant personality disorder typically involves psychotherapy with a therapist that has experience in treating this kind of personality disorder. 

Medication:

Anti-anxiety agents and antidepressants should be prescribed for avoidant PD only when another psychiatric problem co-occurs (e.g., anxiety or depression). 

••Borderline personality disorder (BPD)•• 

This is the most commonly diagnosed personality disorder. The term borderline originally referred to symptoms being on the borderline between psychosis and neurosis. Typically, with a diagnosis of BPD, you are likely to have a poor self-image and unstable personal relationships, which are likely to result from mood swings that may involve angry outbursts, which tend to drive people away. Conversely, you may find it difficult to break away from damaging relationships as you are frightened of being alone. Others may find it difficult to relate to you, as your response tends to be unpredictable, or people may be afraid of your anger. While seeking contact and support with others, you may also be quite rejecting of this, which makes it hard for people to engage with, or relate to you. While in some ways inviting rejection, you also find it hard to be rejected and may act impulsively in reaction to this, sometimes threatening, or carrying out self-destructive behaviour such as selfharm or suicide attempts. Life can be very difficult and painful, both for you, and for those who care about you. You may have feelings of emptiness and fear abandonment by friends or partners.      

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationshipscharacterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

Treatment:

Types of psychotherapy used to treat BPD include:

  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT can help people with BPD identify and change core beliefs and/or behaviors that underlie inaccurate perceptions of themselves and others and problems interacting with others. CBT may help reduce a range of mood and anxiety symptoms and reduce the number of suicidal or self-harming behaviors.
  • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): This type of therapy utilizes the concept of mindfulness, or being aware of and attentive to the current situation and moods. DBT also teaches skills to control intense emotions, reduce self-destructive behaviors, and improve relationships. DBT differs from CBT in that it integrates traditional CBT elements with mindfulness, acceptance, and techniques to improve a person’s ability to tolerate stress and control his or her emotions. DBT recognizes the dialectical tension between the need for acceptance and the need for change.
  • Schema-Focused Therapy: This type of therapy combines elements of CBT with other forms of psychotherapy that focus on reframing schemas, or the ways people view themselves. This approach is based on the idea that BPD stems from a dysfunctional self-image—possibly brought on by negative childhood experiences—that affects how people react to their environment, interact with others, and cope with problems or stress.
  • Systems Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem Solving (STEPPS) is a type of group therapy that aims to educate family members, significant others, and health care professionals about BPD and gives them guidance on how to interact consistently with the person with the disorder using the STEPPS approach and terminology. STEPPS is designed to supplement other treatments the patient may be receiving, such as medication or individual psychotherapy.

Medication:

There are no known medications that can treat BPD as a whole. A mental health professional may recommend medications to treat specific symptoms, such as mood swings, depression, or other disorders that may occur with BPD.  
••Dependent personality disorder (DPD)•• 

With this diagnosis you are likely to take a passive position with regard to your own life, allowing others to assume responsibility for many areas of your life. You are likely to lack selfconfidence, assuming that the needs of others take precedence to yours. You may find it very hard to even recognise that you have rights and needs. This can leave you in a very vulnerable position as you are reliant on others looking out for your needs and not abusing the position you take within relationships. Other people are more likely to identify this vulnerability as they recgonise your passivity and submissiveness .
People with this disorder do not trust their own ability to make decisions and feel that others have better ideas. They may be devastated by separation and loss, and they may go to great lengths, even suffering abuse, to stay in a relationship. Other symptoms include:

  • Difficulty making decisions without reassurance from others
  • Extreme passivity
  • Problems expressing disagreements with others
  • Avoiding personal responsibility
  • Avoiding being alone
  • Devastation or helplessness when relationships end
  • Unable to meet ordinary demands of life
  • Preoccupied with fears of being abandoned
  • Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval
  • Willingness to tolerate mistreatment and abuse from others

Complications of this disorder may include depression, alcohol and drug abuse, and susceptibility to physical, emotional and sexual abuse.

Treatment:

Psychotherapy is the preferred form of treatment for people with dependent personality disorder. Cognitive-behavioral therapy focuses on patterns of thinking that are maladaptive, the beliefs that underlie such thinking and resolving symptoms or traits that are characteristic of the disorder, such as the inability to make important life decisions or the inability to initiate relationships. Improvements are usually seen only with long-term therapy or treatment.

Medication:

Certain types of drugs such as antidepressants, sedatives and tranquilizers are often prescribed for patients with dependent personality disorder to treat co-occurring conditions.

••Histrionic personality disorder (HPD)•• 

This disorder is characterised by extreme or over-dramatic behaviour, with a need to be the centre of attention. If you have this diagnosis, you may form relationships quickly, but be demanding and attention-seeking. You may also flirt or behave provocatively in order to ensure you attract or retain the attention of others. To others you may appear to be self-centred, with shallow emotions. While you crave attention, this may also be difficult as you may feel you have to entertain others, be the life and soul of the party and that you are dependent on the approval of other people.

You are likely to: 

  • feel very uncomfortable if you are not the centre of attention
  • feel much more at ease as the ‘life and soul of the party’
  • feel that you have to entertain people
  • flirt or behave provocatively to ensure that you remain the centre of attention
  • get a reputation for being dramatic and overemotional
  • feel dependent on the approval of others
  • be easily influenced by others

Treatment:

Treatment can be difficult if you have HPD. Like many people with HPD, you might think you don’t need treatment, or you might find the routine of a treatment program to be unappealing. However, therapy — and sometimes medications — can help you cope with HPD. Psychotherapy is the most common and effective treatment choice for HPD. This kind of therapy involves talking to a therapist about your feelings and experiences. Such talks can help you and your therapist determine the reasoning behind your actions and behaviors. Your therapist may be able to help you learn how to relate with people in a positive manner, instead of continually trying to get attention from them.

Medication:

If the patient experiences depression or anxiety as a part of their HPD, their primary care provider might put them on antidepressants or antianxiety medication.

••Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)••

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have significant problems with their sense of self-worth stemming from a powerful sense of entitlement. This leads them to believe they deserve special treatment, and to assume they have special powers, are uniquely talented, or that they are especially brilliant or attractive. Their sense of entitlement can lead them to act in ways that fundamentally disregard and disrespect the worth of those around them.

You are likely to: 

  • believe that there are special reasons that make you different, better or more deserving than others
  • have fragile self-esteem, so that you rely on others to recognise your worth and your needs
  • feel upset if others ignore you and don’t give you what you feel you deserve
  • resent other people’s successes
  • put your own needs above other people’s, and demand they do too
  • be seen as selfish and ‘above yourself’
  • take advantage of other people. 

Treatment:

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy. Psychotherapy can help you:

  • Learn to relate better with others so your relationships are more intimate, enjoyable and rewarding
  • Understand the causes of your emotions and what drives you to compete, to distrust others, and perhaps to despise yourself and others

Medication:

There are no medications specifically used to treat narcissistic personality disorder. However, if you have symptoms of depression, anxiety or other conditions, medications such as antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs may be helpful. 

••Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD)•• 

A person with this disorder tends to have difficulties in expressing warm or tender emotions to others. They are frequently perfectionists, things must be done in their own way. They often lack clarity in seeing other perspectives or ways of doing things, and their rigid attention to detail may prevent them from completing tasks. OCPD is separate from obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), which describes a form of behaviour rather than a type of personality.   

You are likely to:

  • need to keep everything in order and under control
  • set unrealistically high standards for yourself and others
  • think yours is the best way of making things happen
  • worry when you or others might make mistakes
  • expect catastrophes if things aren’t perfect
  • be reluctant to spend money on yourself or others
  • have a tendency to hang on to items with no obvious value. 

Treatment:

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a common type of mental health counseling. During CBT, you meet with a mental health professional on a structured schedule. These regular sessions involve working with your counselor to talk through any anxiety, stress, or depression. A mental health counselor may encourage you to put less emphasis on work and more emphasis on recreation, family, and other interpersonal relationships. Relaxation training involves specific breathing and relaxation techniques that can help decrease your sense of stress and urgency. These symptoms are common in OCPD. Examples of recommended relaxation practices include yoga, tai chi, and Pilates.

Medication:

Usually, a SSRI type medication is prescribed to decrease inflexible and detail-oriented thinking. 

••Paranoid personality disorder (PPD)•• 

People with this diagnosis are often emotionally detached and suspicious of other people and their motives. They may hold longstanding grudges, and believe that other people are not trustworthy, are deceiving, threatening, or making plans against them.

  • People with this disorder assume that others are out to harm them, take advantage of them, or humiliate them in some way.
  • They put a lot of effort into protecting themselves and keeping their distance from others.
  • They are known to preemptively attack others whom they feel threatened by.
  • They tend to hold grudges, are litigious, and display pathological jealously.
  • Distorted thinking is evident. Their perception of the environment includes reading malevolent intentions into genuinely harmless, innocuous comments or behavior, and dwelling on past slights.
  • Their emotional life tends to be dominated by distrust and hostility.
  • For these reasons, they do not confide in others and do not allow themselves to develop close relationships.

Treatment:

talk therapy or psychotherapy are helpful. These methods will:

  • help the individual learn how to cope with the disorder
  • learn how to communicate with others in social situations
  • help reduce feelings of paranoia

Medication:

Medications may include:

  • antidepressants
  • benzodiazepines
  • antipsychotics

Combining medication with talk therapy or psychotherapy can be very successful.

••Schizoid personality disorder•• 

People diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder tend to have difficulties in expressing emotions, particularly around warmth or tenderness. They often feel shy in company, but may come across as aloof or remote, and have difficulty in developing or maintaining social relationships.

  • They almost always chose solitary activities, and seem to take little pleasure in life.
  • These “loners” often prefer mechanical or abstract activities that involve little human interaction and appear indifferent to both criticism and praise.
  • Emotionally, they seem aloof, detached, and cold.
  • They may be oblivious to social nuance and social cues causing them to appear socially inept and superficial.
  • Their restricted emotional range and failure to reciprocate gestures or facial expressions (such a smiles or nods of agreement) cause them to appear rather dull, bland, or inattentive.

The Schizoid Personality Disorder appears to be rather rare.

Treatment:

Cognitive behavioral therapy is designed to change behavior. It can be successful in treating this condition because you will learn how to act in social situations. This may reduce anxiety and reluctance to pursue social relationships. Group therapy is another option and can help you practice your social skills. This will help you become more comfortable in social situations.

Medication:

Medication is generally not used unless other treatment methods are not working. Bupropion may be used to increase feelings of pleasure. Antipsychotic medications can be used to treat feelings of indifference. These medications can also help encourage social interactions.

••Schizotypal personality disorder (STPD)•• 

A person with this disorder typically has problems around developing interpersonal relationships. The condition is characterised by thought disorders and paranoia. To others they may appear odd or eccentric; they may dress or behave inappropriately, for example talking to themselves in public.

  • Unlike the Schizoid Personality Disorder, they also experience perceptual and cognitive distortions and/or eccentric behavior.
  • People with Schizotypal Personality Disorder have odd beliefs, for instance, they may believe they can read other people’s thoughts, or that that their own thoughts have been stolen from their heads.
  • Schizotypal Personality Disorder tends to be found more frequently in families where someone has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia; a severe mental disorder with the defining feature of psychosis (the loss of reality testing). There is some indication that these two distinct disorders share genetic commonalities
  • These perceptual abnormalities may include noticing flashes of light no one else can see, or seeing objects or shadows in the corner of their eyes and then realizing that nothing is there.
  • These odd or superstitious beliefs and fantasies are inconsistent with cultural norms.

Treatment:

Several types of therapy can help treat STPD. Psychotherapy, or talk therapy, can help you learn how to form relationships. You can get this type of therapy along with social skills training to help you feel more comfortable in social situations.

Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you address some of the behaviors associated with your condition. Your therapist can help you learn how to act in social situations and respond to social cues. They can also help you learn to recognize unusual or harmful thoughts and change them.

Family therapy may be helpful, especially if you live with others. It can help you strengthen your relationships with family members. It may also help you to feel more supported by your family.

Medication:

No medications are designed to treat STPD specifically. However, some people with this condition benefit from taking antipsychotic or antidepressant drugs if they’re experiencing symptoms that their doctor thinks be improved with these medications. 

“...Trois, deux, un… here I come,” Jack called out as he uncovered his eyes.

The living room was predictably empty even though Jack had half expected Annie to default to her usual spot which, was to hide behind the window drapes with her feed sticking out the bottom. Her understanding of object permanence was endearingly hilarious and adorable.

Jack checked behind the couch first to see if she had wedged herself in the space, but when she wasn’t there, he wandered into the hallway, making his way towards the closet in the front hall. It had become Annie’s second favourite hiding place ever since she discovered she could drag her blankets into there to make a fort. Unfortunately for Jack, it was also vacant except for a few jackets and hangers.

“Annnn-ie,” he called out, listening for the tell-tale giggles, but all he could hear was the pitter-patter of rain outside and the distant hum of the refrigerator. After a quick sweep of the main floor, Jack went upstairs to her room, but like the other spots he’d already checked, it was conspicuously empty.

A trickle of fear ran down his spine as he hurried downstairs to confirm that the front, back, and patio doors were all still locked. She was still somewhere in the house, at least, but it was little reassurance as Jack started to realize just how many tiny nooks and crannies a toddler could potentially hide in.

“Annie, come out! Papa’s done playing.” His brain unhelpfully supplied him with flashes of horrifying scenarios, and Jack had to check the laundry room twice to reassure himself that Annie hadn’t trapped herself in the washer or the dryer.

He circled around downstairs again with little luck. “You can have ice cream if you come out.”

He was just about to give up and call Bitty in a full-blown panic when he heard soft shuffling coming from the pantry. Jack quickly pressed the ‘end’ button before the call had a chance to connect.

He dashed into the kitchen and opened the pantry door to find Annie sitting on the floor with an opened package of chocolate chip cookies in her lap. She beamed up at Jack and waved a cookie at him . “Papa!”

“Oh, thank god,” Jack breathed in relief as he quickly scooped her up.

“Found me, Papa!” she shouted delightedly, patting Jack’s face with sticky, chocolate-y hands.

“Don’t ever do that to me again,” he admonished.

“Again! Again!” she crowed.

“No, not again,” Jack said firmly as he brushed the crumbs from her shirt. This was the last time he was ever going to play hide-and-go-seek, if he could help it. He gave her a big smacking kiss on her forehead. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” Then, he added conspiratorially, “And let’s not tell Daddy I lost you for fifteen minutes there, okay?”

Annie’s only response was to giggle at him before cramming the remainder of the cookie in her mouth.

Thanks for reading! More of my writing here!

If we make it through the night, if we make it out alive  ..
You said that you can save me
Don’t hope to ever find me
And I fear I’m too far gone  
.Pray for the dead.
I am the ocean, I am the sea
There is a world inside of me  

I want people to be less afraid of autism.

Autistic kids need to be taught that they aren’t broken. Verbal or nonverbal, they can live happy lives and experience everything at the same capacity as everyone else. Autistic kids need to know this so that they don’t grow up into self hating adults, adults who grow up hating themselves for being a burden on their families or on society. 

I want autistic kids that aren’t afraid of themselves.

I want therapy that can teach autistic kids to be the best autistic kids they can be. I want nonverbal autistics to find a way to communicate in a way that’s comfortable for them. I want autistics to learn how to advocate for themselves and I want them to learn to love themselves and show themselves instead of repressing who they are. 

Parents of autistic kids need to be taught that their kid can live a fulfilling and happy life, because the current media representation of autistics is so bleak. The panicking, the feeling that they’ve somehow “lost” a child, is something that can be prevented with education and support. They need to see autistic adults on different ends of the spectrum, doing well and having fulfilling lives even if they aren’t fitting the neurotypical version of happy. I want parents that aren’t afraid of their children. want the anti-vaccine movement to be shut down, both for its poor science and for its ableist attitudes. I want children to survive deadly diseases instead of endangered by the fear of becoming like us.

I want autistic people to be more than “empty shells”, “changelings”, “stolen”, “missing”, “broken”. I want people to stop seeing murders as “justifiable” because they’re so, so afraid of disabled people.

Most of all, I want autistics to be seen as people.

I want a world that’s different from the one we grew up in, where neuroatypical children have the chance to be themselves without fear.

Electra Heart is the antithesis of everything I stand for. The point of introducing her and building a concept around her is that she stands for the corrupt side of american ideology, and basically that’s the corruption of yourself. My worst fear - that’s anyone’s worst fear - is to lose myself and become an empty person. And that happens a lot when you’re very ambitious.

Solas’s Stories Transcribed

I couldn’t find these anywhere (except in video form which is too long) so I just transcribed them.

RUINS:

I found the ruin of Barindur, a lost Tevinter city buried deep beneath a dead and barren wasteland. Volcanic ash had sealed it tight. In one dark moment, every living creature in the city seared and smothered. They were statues in the ashes, like a mold made to recall the lost.

I found an ancient dwarven thaig no longer sheltered by the stone. An earthquake had exposed it all to daylight. A thousand dwarven corpses lay, the victims of a darkspawn horde, their last stand marked by one great ring of armor. In the middle, one small body, clutching tightly to a small stuffed toy.

I found in the Korcari Wilds a humble cottage far removed from any of the simple Chasind tribesmen. The trees and weeds had not reclaimed the home nor did the Chasind dare to come and steal the trinkets still remaining. It was empty, long abandoned, but the world feared that she might return.

SPIRITS:

I met a friendly spirit who observed the dreams of village girls as love first blossomed in their adolescence. With subtlety, she steered them all to village boys with gentle hearts who would return their love with gentle kindness. The Matchmaker, so I called her. That small village never knew its luck.

The Alamarri crossed the Frostback Mountains to escape a beast they called the shadow goddess in their stories. I met the spirit that they fled. She walks the Fade along the southern tundra, weeping, lonely, and forgotten. Great Ferelden formed because a lonely spirit drove her prey away.

I found an ancient spirit who had once been undisputed king of almost every land I had discovered. Like Pride or Rage, it was the Fade’s reflection of a feeling. When I asked which one it was, the spirit faltered. “They’ve forgotten,” said the spirit. “There remains no word for what I was.”

MEMORIES:

I saw a savage human horde go marching toward the battlefront. They sang a soldier’s hymn to keep formation. The primal music shook the ground. These savage unwashed warriors carried harmonies no Chantry choir has mastered. Though their cause was all but hopeless, they sang songs that made the spirits weep.

I saw a dwarf emerge into the light of day and shield his eyes against the sun, the first time he had seen it. The tears were streaming from his eyes. I thought them from the blazing light until I saw the rock he held so tightly. Then he laid the rock down gentle, and he left it as he walked away.

I saw a young Qunari working in a simple kitchen, baking bread as she was ordered every morning. In every loaf she broke the rules. She’d take a punch of sugar and would fold it to the center, like a secret. And this act of small rebellion brought a shining smile across her face.

Cheeks stained black,
And eyes glazed over.
The emptiness in your soul,
And the breaking of your heart.

You know that all too well,
Almost to the point where all you feel is numb,
No tears.
No emotion.
Just silently breaking.

The fact that you could be breaking,
Drowning in your sadness,
And no one noticing.

You’ve come to the point where no one notices, and no one cares.
So you’re left to pick up the pieces of your heart and stitch them back together, knowing that no matter how hard you try to feel complete, you’ll always be broken

—  A.P

Sorry, for making you guys wait for so long, but to make it up to you I think this is the longest imagine I have ever written. I hope you’ll enjoy. I also combined two reqests for this one. I hope that’s okay.

Request: Could you write an imagine about Ivar getting wounded in battle and the reader takes care of him? Thank you.

Request: Are you taking requests at all? If so could you do one where the reader takes control in bed and Ivar has to sit back and take it?

Warning: This contains smut and blood, the essentials of the Ivar fandom.

—————————————————————————————————-

You pulled your sword back and the soldier in front of you dropped to the ground. You turned, looking for your next opponent but no one was there. It took you a moment to realize that there was no one left. The battle was over. The last few survivors of the once large hostile army were fleeing to save their lives. All around you the warriors started to cheer in triumph, you would have joined in but for some reason you didn’t feel joyful at all. You were still panting but the rush of the battle slowly died down. And as the adrenalin left you, the strange feeling that something was wrong only grew bigger. You tried to tell yourself that you were only worried because Ivar wasn’t beside you like usually. He always stayed close to you in battle and you were used to fight side by side with him, often even riding in his chariot with him. But today you had somehow been separated. In the immediate rush of battle you hadn’t thought much about it but now that you were calming down you felt worry sneaking into your heart. You looked around, hoping to spot Ivar somewhere.

You could see Hvitserk with a small group of warriors not far from you. They were still cheering and slapping each other’s shoulders. Ivar was nowhere to be seen, so you went over to his brother.

“Y/N.” He greeted, a wide smile on his face. “Good to see you in one piece.”

You nodded. ”You too. Have you seen Ivar?”

“Not since before the battle. Was he not with you?”

“He was, but we got separated.”

Hvitserk must have noticed your worried tone. “Don’t worry, Y/N. I’m sure he is okay. It takes more than a few Saxons to kill him.”

You gave him a half-hearted smile. “You’re probably right. See you later at the camp.”

With that you turned to look for Ivar again. You climbed up a small hill so that you could overlook the other side of the battlefield that was lying behind it. When you made it to the top you gasped in shock. You could see Ivar’s chariot, the white horse was covered in blood and had started to graze between the fallen warriors but Ivar was nowhere to be seen. You felt your stomach twist with fear. As you hurried towards the empty chariot you heard someone call your name. You turned to see Ubbe running up to you. By the look on his face you could tell that something was wrong.

“Where is Ivar?” You asked him, your voice sounding strange and high pitched.

“He was wounded. We already brought him back to the camp.”

Panic shot through you and you felt your legs start to tremble. “I have to see him.” You said, your voice shaking. Although you weren’t sure you could trust your legs to support you, you started to stride towards camp. As you walked past Ubbe he caught you in his arms.

“Y/N, wait. Calm down. It is not that bad. I’m sure he will be fine.”

“I have to see him.” You repeated stubbornly and tried to wind yourself out of his arms.

Ubbe looked at you with pitying eyes for a moment, but then let go of you. “Alright, I will come with you.”

You stormed into the tent where the wounded were treated and searched the rows of bleeding warriors. When your eyes fell upon Ivar you felt like your heart stopped for a moment. He was lying on his back with his eyes closed. As you got closer you could see that a long cut had gone through his armor. Blood was oozing out of it and running down his side. Cold fear began to rise inside you, but with it came a stubborn determination. You would not lose him.

“Why is no one tending to him?” Your voice was fierce and demanding.

At the sound of your voice Ivar opened his eyes. He looked tired and was a little pale but he smiled at you. You ran to his side and dropped to your knees, clutching to him as if your life depended on it.

He chuckled. “Are you trying to squeeze all the blood out of me, woman?”

You softened your grip around him. “I was so worried. When Ubbe said you had been wounded…”

“Shhh. There’s no need to worry. It’s nothing.”

Seeing all the blood that covered his chest and ran down his side, you weren’t fully convinced by his words.

Ivar’s eyes had followed your gaze. “I said there’s no need to worry. Most of that blood isn’t mine anyways.”

You ignored him and rose to your feet to stop one of the women that were hurrying along the rows of the wounded. Most of the women that did not fight in the shieldwall were assigned to take care of those who were wounded in battle.

“Why is no one tending to him?” You repeated your question from earlier.

“Because his wound isn’t that deep. We have much more serious cases to deal with first, so even a prince will have to wait.” With that she shoved you out of the way and scurried off.

You thought about calling her back when heard Ivar chuckle.

“I told you it is nothing. Do you believe me now?”

“No.” You said stubbornly and turned to Ubbe who was still standing close to the entrance, trying his best not to be in the way. “Can you help me bring him to our tent?”

“Why do want to bring him there?”

“I will take care of his wounds myself. Now come help me.”

You could see a pleased smirk grow on Ivar’s face, he seemed to like the thought of you tending to him instead of some old woman.

It was quite a struggle to get Ivar into your tent with him wounded and only Ubbe to help you, but you finally managed to lay him down on your bed.

You gave Ubbe a thankful smile.

“Do you need any more help?”

“No, thank you.” You said and he left the tent.

You turned back to Ivar and carefully opened the strings that held his armor together. Then you helped him to sit up to get it off him. As the hard leather scraped over his wound, his face twisted with pain but he didn’t make a sound. You took out your knife and simply cut open his tunic in order to spare him from having to move even more. You loudly sucked in a breath at what you saw. The cut went from his left shoulder almost to the middle of his chest. You examined it closely and were relieved to find that the woman had been right, it wasn’t too deep. What worried you was that it hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. It would clearly need stitches.

You rummaged through your things to find what you needed. Ivar hadn’t said a word since you had brought him here. He just kept watching you, seeming quite relaxed, a small smile on his face, almost as if he was enjoying himself.

“Why are you smiling?” You asked him as you stepped back to the bed.

“I just like to be the center of all your attention.”

“You won’t like it as much anymore once I stick that needle into you.”

He just shrugged and followed your movements with his eyes as started to carefully clean the wound. You were quite consumed with your work when you felt Ivar’s hand slide under your shirt. First you tried to ignore it and kept working but that got more and more difficult as his hand slowly slid up your belly and his fingertips ghosted across your breasts. You ignored the warm feeling that spread through you and fiercely grabbed his arm and pulled it out from under your shirt.

“Ivar, this is really not the right time. Please let me patch you up first.”

He grinned at you, full of mischief but placed his hand back on the bed, while you fumbled with the needle.

“Does it hurt much?” You asked him as you had made the first few stitches.

He shrugged. “I’m used to pain.”

You nodded, unable to stop your eyes from wandering to his legs. If Ivar had noticed, he ignored it. You forced yourself to concentrate on your work.

As you were almost finished you could feel his hand on your hip again, fingers caressing your stomach. He hooked two fingers into the waistband of your pants and let them slide along it until he found the lacing.

“Ivar, this is really not the time, you should rest.” You said as he started to fumble to unlace your pants.

He gave you a dark grin. “You asked me to let you patch me up first. That I did. Now it is my turn.”

“You have lost a lot of blood. You should rest.”

“I can’t. You look to irresistible like this.” He whispered and slid his hand into your pants. First you didn’t know what he meant but then realized that you were still as much covered in blood as he was.

You opened your mouth to protest and tell him that he really needed to rest, but that moment his fingers slid over your folds and the words caught in your throat. Ivar noticed your reaction and smirked, knowing that he had already won that battle. His hand cupped your sex and one his fingers sneaked between your folds stroking up and down. You moaned and couldn’t stop your body from moving against his hand. His skilled fingers found your sweet little knob and he started to circle his thumb around it. You moaned out his name at the exquisite feeling. As he felt your wetness spreading under his fingers, Ivar let out a pleased little groan. Your whole body was trembling as you pressed yourself against his hand. Much too soon for your liking Ivar retrieved his had from your pants. Since he couldn’t use his left arm terribly much he to break contact to slide his right arm around your waist and pull you into the bed. As soon as he had you pressed to his chest, his lips crashed onto yours. Without breaking the kiss his hand sneaked back into your pants. He drew a few more circles around your clit before he pushed one finger inside of you. Your head fell backwards as you let out a pleasured sigh. He started to move in and out of you, his pace slowly increasing. You moaned out loudly and rocked our hips to meet his movements, already feeling the heat building up inside of you. But all of a sudden he stopped. With his head he gestured towards you shirt.

“Take that off.”

You did as he had said and he sighed as your breasts fell free from the fabric. He started to move his hand again and at the same time his mouth found one of your breasts. He was taking turns in sucking at your nipple and letting his tongue swirl around it. Soon he added another finger and thrusted them inside you more forcefully than before. Your moans got louder and louder and you could feel the heat spread from between your legs through your whole body. He let go of your breast and looked at you, a devilish grin on his face. Then he curled his fingers upward while keeping up his pace. Stars exploded in front of your eyes. He was hitting exactly the right spot. You knew you couldn’t take it much longer.

“Ivar.” You panted between your moans. “I… I’m about to…”

“That’s right.” He cooed. “Come for me, Y/N!”

Hearing his words you let go and let yourself become consumed by the pleasure he was giving you. He kept moving his hand until you were coming down form your high. As the trembling of your body subsided he pulled you on top of him. You rested your head on his chest, careful not to bring any pressure on the fresh stitches. You lay like this for a while and he stroked your hair. As you shifted your body to get more comfortable, you felt his erection press against you. You looked up to him almost in surprise.

“After you have lost so much blood?”

He shrugged and gave you a crooked grin. “It’s what you do to me.”

You smirked back at him and moved to open his pants and pull them off his legs. You gave the top of his cock a teasing lick and then moved back up to kiss him again. Very slowly you worked your way back down, trailing kisses along his jaw, his neck and down his chest. Ivar followed each of your movements, looking at you in awe. When you were back down you gave his cock a long lick from base to top and Ivar let out a long sigh. You gave him one last playful smile before you took his member into your mouth and softly started sucking while stroking its base with your hand. Ivar let out low growling noises and tangled his hand into your hair.

You were surprised as he tugged your head upwards after a while.

“Enough.” He said, his voice was thick with lust but it still had a commanding tone. “I need to be inside you.”

You bit your lip and moved back up to straddle him. You positioned yourself over his tip and moved your hips so that your folds were brushing over him making just the tiniest bit of contact.

Ivar narrowed his eyes at you. “Stop the teasing, woman. You know I’m not a patient man.”

He put his hands on your hips, as if he was ready to pull you down on him at any second.

You shook your head at him and pressed his arms back to the bed. “You still have to go easy. You lost a lot of blood today, so relax and let me do the work.”

He gave you frustrated growl and you chuckled. “I think have already suffered enough today.” You decided and slowly began to let yourself sick down on him.

You closed your eyes and relished the feeling of his thickness stretching you out. As your hips met his he filled you completely and you took a moment to adjust before you slowly started to move. You rocked your hips against his and moaned at the feeling of him sliding in and out of you. Ivar’s hands moved up your sides to play with your breasts, while he watched you bounce up and down on top of him. As you started pick up more pace he seemed unable to control himself any longer. His hands closed around your waist and he pushed you to the side in order to get on top of you. You clicked your tongue disapprovingly and shook our head, while you fought to push him back down on his back.

“I said I will do the work, otherwise I will leave and let you rest like you should.”

You knew it was an empty threat, for you wanted this as much as he did, but it seemed to work. He gave you an annoyed growl, but relaxed and looked up to you expectantly. You smiled and nodded, almost in disbelief that he had obeyed you. You placed your hands on his broad chest and started to rock your hips again. Ivar’s hands moved to your hips again but he left you in control. You kept moving your hips against his and leaned down to kiss him. But before your lips touched his he slightly turned his head and licked over your cheek. Then he kissed you deeply and you could taste the blood he had licked off your skin.

“You taste like the goddess of war.” He breathed against your lips.

As you sat back up to pick up a little more pace, Ivar dipped his fingers into the small drops of blood that were still dripping out between the stitches you had made on his chest and drew a line from your throat over one breast down to your navel. Then he repeated his actions on the other side. When he was done he looked at you, seemingly pleased with his work before his hands went to your hips again, steadying your movements. You moved faster and faster while moaning out his name. The heated knot in your stomach was growing fast. Ivar’s grip on your hips became tighter and he roughly thrusted upwards to meet your movements. You could feel yourself tighten around him as you fell over the edge. You whole body spasmed for the second time that night, while Ivar’s strong arms held you in place as he kept pounding into you. You were still riding out your orgasm as he gave one last forceful thrust and then pulled you down on him, burying himself deep inside you while he spilled his seed.

Totally out of breath you collapsed on top him. You lay like this for a while, both of you panting heavily.

Now I feel like resting.” Ivar rasped as he wrapped his arms around you.