I went to a paganism 101 class tonight. The witchy store I frequent is currently putting on these sort of mini classes that is just like here’s some info on this one thing. Today’s was the umbrella term pagan. I was kinda skeptical about it but not really sure why because I have been to some of this person classes before and loved every second of them, but it turned out to be sort of an amazing experience.
Lately I have been so closed off from any kind of religion/spirituality and I have just felt so closed off from everything I felt like I could connect with before. I was conscious of this fact but so stuck I couldn’t do anything no matter how hard I tried. Usually these classes are full so on a whim I called and they still had availability. I haven’t been feeling myself and almost like an outsider in my own family so I didn’t really want to go home so this was a perfect excuse. I get to the store early ( I thought I’d be late) and go in and instantly get a sense of calm. A sense of calm I used to get every time I went there but the last few times I hadn’t and I didn’t even realize I was missing it until I walked in tonight. I sat down with the others and waited for it to start. The person who is teaching the class I love so much. She is pretty amazing and so passionate about life and what she believes, it’s infectious.
So the class was pretty much here are a few of the larger main branches of paganism, how the world perceives them, and how they really are. Which how they really are is a big pot of who freaking knows you do you and let others do them. The class was nothing really special honestly. She is a wiccan and I have heard her talk about it before a little bit but it was cool to get a more in depth about it. A lot of the class was the different definitions that get thrown around the pagan community: polytheism vs pantheism, religion vs spirituality, etc. etc. Mostly what she talked about was all stuff I knew, stuff that really anyone who knows how to google and keeps an open mind can find and learn. But for some reason just sitting there listening to her pretty much ramble on about how most of the neo pagan revival is just people pulling from all different places and making it fit them.
I am really good at faking fitting in. I have never really felt like I have belonged so I adapted to be whatever everyone around me was. I was raised baptist and people looking at me thought I was this perfect little Christian person; I didn’t get it and thought if I pretended hard enough I would. As I started to challenge that I picked up on what ever was near by. Because of this I have put myself into so many boxes and worn so many different labels its makes me dizzy to think about. And still right now, I got into witchy/pagan stuff because of a friend. That friendship fell apart (I ruined it in a big way; I will take all the blame.) I held on the the witchy stuff we did trying to feel something, anything that I felt before. That is what my struggle has been lately. So much of what I have felt was around this person not necessary only because of them but because they gave me an outlet to explore and we did it together. There were plenty of things that we didn’t agree on or feel was “our path” because it was the others, but a lot of why I am even here dabbling around with different things is because of this person. There was no more faking it. I could explore things as myself. They gave me the ok to do that and when I no longer had them there holding my hand and keeping me grounded so to speak I didn’t know what to do.
At the class we had to introduce ourselves and say what our spiritual path is. I was so panicked at this because I feel like such a fish out of was water on the topic right now. And saying I am just here to learn because I know nothing would be a lie and I am pretty sure the instructor would call my BS if I tried because she knows me well enough to know that I do know somethings. I gave a sort of noncommittal answer about how I don’t really know and I’m just looking for info. So the class starts she goes through all the info and that last little bit is about how everything is right and you could spend a life time trying to figure it out but it doesn’t matter as long as you grow. And honestly that is what I needed hear. I have stopped growing. In fact, I think I am wilting. But for some reason it was almost as if she was giving me permission to continue to find myself and my place in this world. My whole life fell apart not too long ago (this friend was part of it) and it still feels like everyday I am grasping at anything I can to keep going. All the things I had some comfort in were no longer providing the safety they had once. A lot of things have felt tainted, and still do. But I can try again. Try and find my footing again. Find something and not fake it. I can find something and start being me again.
The drive home after the class was mess. I lost it. Listening to all the songs that reminded me that I didn’t know who I was or how to be someone who wasn’t faking it. I ugly cried and sang the entire way. Once I got home I was so afraid to come inside. There would be questions of are you ok? Where have you been? How are you doing? and I'ved missed you. Not that those are bad but I didn’t have answers. I was a puddle of goo and have now been sitting here for an hour spilling my feelings and am just starting to feel like a person. I am still falling apart and there are tears rolling down my face because I still hurt. I am still pretty freaking lost but I feel a little better. Like maybe tomorrow I won’t be hating myself as much as I have been the last few weeks, or has it been months. I really can’t tell anymore. All I do know is I am tired of whatever this feeling is.
I always thought I was a Hufflepuff. That was until today, I got sorted into Slyrterin! Hufflepuff's and Slyrterin's are exact opposites. So how did this happen? Does that mean I'm going to become evil?
Not in the least, so you can put that thought out of your head straight off. Slytherins, I’ve found, can make some of the greatest friends you could ever hope to find. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the house. Except, maybe, their desire to wear so much green.
I’ve written a bit on Slytherin, actually. If you would care to give it a read. I do hope it might help.