I deactivated my twitter account this morning. Ten years and nearly 14K tweets into the experiment, it was time. I thought about doing it yesterday and hesitated, deciding to sleep on it. This morning it was clear what to do, and I killed it before I left for work this morning. I felt a little sadness, having made some friends and gotten some good laughs. It may still be the best place to get breaking news, if you’re willing to accept the possibility that early reports have a lot of variance in them.

But mostly I felt relief. As the preferred communications platform of the fascist takeover, it had become a source of anxiety for me. Seems like more than half of what I was seeing there was reaction to the latest chaos tweet from the Führer-”elect”, and any amount of filtering to prevent that neutered the rest of the content to the point of meaninglessness. 

And any counter-response to any of that risks death threats, which is ultimately the reason I choose not to associate myself with that platform any longer: they are completely uninterested and unserious about dealing with hate speech and threats of violence. Pepes and eggs by the millions search for keywords or replies, and upon finding them promise to rape you to death with no fear of retribution at all. They might even dox your kids for a laugh. The ones who do get their accounts suspended can create new ones in seconds and pick right up where they left off, all while the anarcho-libertarians who run the place cry that to do anything about it would violate free speech. 

Eat shit, Jack Dorsey. I mean that from the heart.

None of this is to judge those of you who will stay there. We all have our reasons and our tolerances. If we’re friends, we’re friends. This is something I had to do for myself and I make no proscriptions for others. 

In the meantime, I’m reinvesting in my RSS reader and feeds to get my news and sports fixes, and refamiliarizing myself with various blogs and other forums for analysis/discussion. I subscribed to NYT, WaPo, and the Tribune to support their reporting. I’ll probably be a bit behind, but I lived the first 40 years of my life that way and survived just fine.

December 5, 2009
  1. If they really want to end the war in Afghanistan, they should put it on Friday nights on Fox.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 164
  2. And that’s why you don’t go shopping at the pet store while hungry.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 153
  3. I’m playing poker with the kids. Not strip poker. That would be inappropriate. I know better than that. “WOO! FULL HOUSE. DRINK UP BITCHES!”
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 79
  4. Wow! I don’t think I’ve ever unleashed so much diarrhea all at once. You must be impressed. I know I am.

    This massage is over, isn’t it?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 66
  5. When a friend from out of town says, “I’m coming out.” Make sure they’re finished with their sentence before you say, “I knew you were gay.”
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 64
  6. If you really — truly — embrace the meaning of eternity, you’ll accept that Orville Redenbacher and Col. Sanders will eventually french.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 62
  7. If I see one more commercial featuring a Lexus with a gigantic bow on it, I swear I’m gonna throw this caviar dish at my 96" TV.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 60
  8. What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 58
  9. Two more speedbumps on our street.

    Now we’re finally safe from terrorists.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 57
  10. It’s a good thing I covered the baby in Bubble Wrap, because man those stairs were steep!
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57
  11. … bet if I was Wolverine you wouldn’t have forgotten my McGriddle…
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55
  12. The neat thing about dissecting clowns is you can get so many of them in the trunk when it comes time to dispose of the bodies.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 53
    @atebits (atebits) – 52
  14. It’s the strangest thing! I bought my wife the new iPhone, and now my penis seems smaller.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 52
  15. “Whipped Spread,” the little package reads, a comma away from being the most disturbing sentence ever.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 52
  16. Hi. Date. Again. Amazing. Again. Love you. Again. Move in. More. Marry me. Happy. Good. OK. Less. Lost. Lost you. Lost us. No more. Goodbye.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 51
  17. Jim browses hand-held shower heads. “We should get one. I probably won’t love you forever.”
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50
  18. I had my doubts that every clown has a silver lining & it turns out they’re lined with muscle & tissue just like everyone else.

    Mimes too.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 47
  19. I opened the door & told the kids “you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.” Then I took pictures for milk cartons, just in case.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 44
  20. Even if we could choose our own genetic traits, I’d still pick my nose.
    @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 44
July 20, 2009
  1. The word “tsunami” is not in my phone’s T9 dictionary, so if you ever get a text from me that says “Trumang!”, get the fuck off the beach.
    @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 114
  2. Whoopi thinks the moon landing was faked? I hope this doesn’t damage all that credibility she built up as the center square.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 107
  3. Ugh I have to write an autobiography?? STORY OF MY LIFE.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 97
  4. First rule of Seal Club is no crying when we say “club”.

    This means you, Jeremy.

    Second rule of Seal Club is no walruses.

    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83
  5. I only use extra virgin olive oil. Unsaturated fats really shouldn’t have a sexual history.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 76
  6. “I just bought a pedometer.”

    “Cool. So how many child molesters are near you right now?”
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 73
  7. Well SOMEBODY used a scrapbooking knife to cut my face out of all our wedding photos.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 70
  8. Everyone thinks Canadians are so nice and polite.


    Stage One is complete.

    Initiate Stage Two.

    Release the Moose Commandos.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68
  9. I like the idea of liking the idea better than I actually like the idea.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  10. I can’t dance, I love mayonnaise and I just maxed my Banana Republic credit card.
    These Whitestrips must be working.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 65
  11. 1) Wake up
    2) Brush teeth
    3) Feed fish
    4) Take meds
    5) Notice pill in fishbowl & bad taste in mouth & wonder if I screwed up 3&4.

    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 61
  12. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time you have sex, this one angel gets his binoculars.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 61
  13. Gnats are super attracted to me today. I’m a magnat.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 59
  14. My weekend did not contain nearly enough weekend.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58
  15. Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?
    A: The pitbull doesn’t blame the media for all its problems.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56
  16. My son told me how nobody at school would play with him last week. My pride swells to see him grow up in my own image.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 53
  17. Reading comic books in bed by flashlight.

    Still pretty awesome.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  18. Wife: “I’m pretty much as girly-girl as a girl can be. Except for drag queens. But then me.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  19. FACT: The chances a large meteor will hit Earth is much less than the chances that another movie will be made about a large meteor.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51
  20. Today at the Zoo I saw a Lion & a Giraffe & a Rhino & a Zebra & an Elephant & at least 5 Cougars that my Wife wouldn’t let me pet.
    @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 49

When all the memes were done,
all the sandwiches eaten
(ordered from take-out menus
hung on the doors of other restaurants);
♩When all the songs were sung ♫
and the trumangs texted
and all our pets had their own accounts
and tumblogs
and podcasts;
When we’d all married a follower
and had finally tired of making fun of making fun of making fun of
All that was left
was a horse
telling jokes.

July 22, 2009
  1. Oh no! I’ve offended the Americans! They’re going to beat me up! If only I had socialized health care to tend to my wounds!

    Oh. Wait.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 123
  2. Wednesday. Where you’re too far out to see weekend in any direction.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83
  3. Nice day today. Made an egg white omelet, worked in the garden, lied to strangers on the internet, wished my penis wasn’t so intimidating.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 83
  4. You know you’re going to get the worst margarita of your life when the server asks if you want whipped cream on it.
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 74
  5. I like my iPhone’s “shake to undo” feature. So I shake my phone a lot. Why, I daresay I shake it like an instant photograph of some kind.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 72
  6. Coke Zero: like regular Coke, but with no unread emails.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 68
  7. As a Twitter courtesy I always DM new people I follow to introduce myself. Then I knock on their window & ask to sniff their hair.
    @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 68
  8. Fine. She’s your Sharona.
    @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 66
  9. A reusable canvas bag is a great place to store your used plastic grocery bags before you throw them away. We all have to do our part.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 64
  10. And when he wakes up, he sees it was all a dream! He’s still 25, still single, and already had a vasectomy.

    Sh sh sh. Let Daddy have this.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 64
  11. If shown definitive proof, I am perfectly willing to admit God exists.

    The same goes for Godzilla.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 60
  12. I would not like them here or there.
    I would not like them anywhere.
    I do not like porn bots and spam.
    I do not like your follow scam.
    @navanax (50% More Slime) – 60
  13. I’m going to assume I would look a lot cooler if I were riding a velociraptor instead of driving a minivan.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 59
  14. I just watched a little bit of the George Lopez show and now my eyes are bleeding from the nail gun.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55
  15. Spinach in your teeth is bad, but a booger in your mustache is even worse. Especially when you’re a lady.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 53
  16. Saw a big dude & said, “I wouldn’t want to tussle with him.” But then, guys that use words like “tussle” shouldn’t be fucking with anybody.
    @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 53
  17. I love the rain. It gives me that “guy who showers” look.
    @Remiel (Gabriel) – 52
  18. Two Muslims walk into a bar.

    Haha. Silly.

    Muslims don’t walk into bars.

    They fly in on magic carpets.

    @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 50
  19. Every time frat boys fist bump, a suburb gets its Buffalo Wild Wings.
    @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 48
  20. Profoundly funny tweet #2768091269 (?)
    @srslainey (Unavailable) – 48
You can believe me or not

but I basically didn’t care about Favrd that much.  Sure, it made me smile when a lot of people liked what I wrote, and I would be a dirty liar if I said it didn’t matter to me at all. But I never crafted tweets for Favrd or shied away from posting something that wasn’t funny because I was worried people would unfollow or anything like that.

And I never tried, specifically, to get on Favrd.  I don’t really care if you believe me, but I didn’t, for the simple reason that you can never fucking tell what people will like.  My favorite tweets usually have less than 10 stars.  And the ones I felt were phoned in were some of the most popular.  So Favrd was never a reason to tweet, or a feeder bar, for me.

I say all this to note that, ironically, now that there’s a trend of telling people your tweet made them smile, I feel that pressure to tweet that Favrd must have made many of you feel.  I want to make some funny jokes now, because I do crave that kind of validation.  In fact, I have always done just as Dean suggested, because it seems natural: many of you have been so goddamn hilarious that I just HAD to let you know.

Anyhow, this is all happening during a pretty profound drought of joy and inspiration in my life, so it really doesn’t matter to me personally: I wasn’t going to be funny even if Favrd were still there, its denizens shamelessly reappropriating jokes from Leno monologues and Two And A Half Men.  But, basically: do what Dean said. It’s rad.

January 1, 2009
  1. And the littlest one shall be called Box Breaker, for he is the perfect height for headbutting my cooch.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 41
  2. Most of what you call “erotica,” I think of as “vagina fanfiction.”
    @strutting (Jay Hathaway) – 35
  3. I hit a squirrel with my car and it’s still a better mp3 player than your zune.
    @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 32
  4. Em sits in the midst of her collection of educational and developmental toys, having the time of her life.

    Waving a sock around.
    @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 29
  5. I’m thinking of illegally downloading Pirates of the Caribbean just for the irony.
    @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 28
  6. I’m thinking about starting a blog in 2009 but I’m not sure the internet is really the place for all of my cat pictures.
    @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 26
  7. Assuming the daughter is hungover, I called her cell phone and blew a whistle into it when she answered. Even as a mother, I’m a dick.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 26
  8. Once I start tooting the empty beer bottles, it’s like, TOOT TOOT, HERE COMES THE PARTY BARGE! And then I look around and I’m alone and sad.
    @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 24
  9. I can definitely see half a midget sticking out of my neighbors trash can. I don’t know if I should call the cops or be proud he’s quitting.
    @DieLaughing (Adam & New Years Eve) – 24
  10. Running out of crackers doesn’t mean you have to stop eating the cheese.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 23

Keep reading

February 28, 2009
  1. “World Music” is a genre like “Anybody Who’s Not All Pasty-Looking” is a race.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 54
  2. Why do characters on tv only hang out with people they work with? Do they live in Hell?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50
  3. “Massage relaxes the mom and should be performed in much the same environment as the baby was conceived.” Great. Taco Bell parking lot.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46
  4. Seven Deadly Sins (updated): PWN’D, NOM, FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU, WANT, WANT, WANT, and meh.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 45
  5. Profoundly funny tweet #1260351715 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 39
  6. i hope someone teaches me a grammar lesson at a bus stop, so one day i can tell my kid all about what i learned on the streets.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 38
  7. You can’t help but be disturbed when an email from your mother contains simply the line: “Rebooted the internet - everything fine now.”
    @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 37
  8. After we explain what a bookmark is to Leta, she goes, “So it’s the thing you use to pause a book. I get it.”
    @dooce (Heather B. Armstrong) – 37
  9. Yesterday: Used poor grammar on multiple occasions.

    Today: Hiding from grammar zombies in the attic.

    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 36
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #1260577985 (?)
    @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 34

Keep reading

This Day in Favrd - June 26, 2009
  1. “Heeeeeeeeeere’s Farrahhhhhh!”
    “Heeeeeeeeeere’s Michaellllll!”
    God: “Dammit Ed. Cut it out.” – Mike_FTW
  2. It’s a whole lot easier to find the clitorisn’t. – sween
  3. Dear guy in front of me buying a crossbow and frozen taquitos: Do you want to be friends y/n. Did you know I have Point Break on DVD. – fireland
  4. Congress took a moment of silence for Michael Jackson. Which is one moment longer than they took to read the stimulus bill. – badbanana

Keep reading

March 27, 2009
  1. Our marriage counselor just put a switchblade on the table, left the room, and locked the door. What do you guys think I – omg she’s fast
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 87
  2. “Face down, ass up” embroidered on pillows. “Stop actin’ like a bitch and throw your hands up” carved in driftwood. I need an etsy account.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 73
  3. thinks you should consider abandoning that third-person present-tense verb idiom you picked up on Facebook.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 70
  4. If the medical profession really wanted to be dicks, they’d add a new letter to ADHD every year.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63
  5. Him: I like the glasses. Very sexy librarian.

    Me: If you don’t return your books, I’ll charge late fees.

    Him: You’re not doing it right.
    @shoesonwrong (Annie) – 58
  6. Things I’m glad I never experimented with: cigarettes, cocaine, Lotus Notes, Nickelback.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 51
  7. My disaster preparedness plan involves duct tape and prepared people.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49
  8. SB: Name?
    Me: ‘Çedilla.’ And, yes: that IS with a cedilla.
    SB: (scribbling on cup) Just listen for, “soy latte,” okay? Next.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 49
  9. I’ll never forget the day I chose my heterosexual lifestyle.
    @zeldman (Jeffrey Zeldman) – 49
  10. Dear Coffee Shop: It’s 8:47. Why the eff aren’t you open yet? I need caffeine almost as much as you’re gonna need a new front window.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 47
  11. Madonna plans to adopt again. Call me old fashioned, but a child needs both a mother and an emasculated boy toy father.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 46
  12. Twitter: because you’d get fired if you had these conversations in the workplace.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 46
  13. Without MUNI, it’d be way harder to find a guy yelling at his burrito while the lady next to him trims her toenails.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 43
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 41
  15. The clowns are coming from INSIDE THE CAR!
    @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 39
  16. Apparently tweeting about syphilis lead to me losing a lot of followers, so for clarity: I don’t have it and you can’t get it that way.
    @bsheepies (k-a-t-e) – 38
  17. Just once I want to hear a woman accidentally say 'checkmate’ to a marriage proposal.
    @DieLaughing (J. Adam Moore) – 37
  18. When you call to explain the email you sent me, all I hear is “Hi! This is Death! I’m this much closer! Ha ha! You’re not boogie-boarding!”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 37
  19. U.S. officials keep repeating that they don’t think Mexico is a “failed state.” So far, Mexico hasn’t returned the compliment.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 37
  20. According to the New York Times, @guykawasaki is occasionally manned by two people who are not Guy Kawasaki.

    That’s right. Ghostdouches.
    @TBMimsTheThird (cwthethird) – 35
My first Favrd tweet

…was during the 2008 Republican National Convention. It was something along the lines of “My ‘Drink for Diversity at the RNC’ game was going too slow, so I’ve started to drink for guys with mustaches.”

I’m curious to find out…what was your first Favrd tweet? (Or Favstarred, if you’re a little newer to the game.) Tag it with first favrd and I’ll see it. Thanks!

March 23, 2009
  1. Good thing you beeped at me, Guy in Van, or I never would’ve realized how much I want to have sex with you.
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 68
  2. Working on a presentation called, “Productivity Meets Twitter.” It has one slide so far. I think it’s finished.
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 66
  3. To: Spring.
    From: Snow storm.
    Message: LOL!! PWND!!1!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63
  5. I’ve been in more car accidents than I can count!

    Because the crash destroyed that part of my brain.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 53
  6. A scene from a marriage.

    Wife: “Stop it.”
    Me: “What? Stroking you?”
    Wife: “Yes. It’s creepy.”
    Me: “WHAT?”
    Wife: “I’m complicated.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50
  7. I almost smacked a girl for calling my dog ugly but she ran away before I could grab her. Oh sure, GO CRY TO YOUR PRESCHOOL TEACHER. Bitch.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 50
  8. I’m sure it is a really good episode of CSI but it took me an hour and a whole thing of Gold Bond to get into this latex suit so PAUSE IT.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 50
  9. The nurse would prefer that I not use my cell phone. I would prefer that she not listen to Regis or wear so much fucking eye shadow. Draw.
    @trelvix (Trelvix) – 48
  10. Oh, sure. The stock market is shooting up now that I’ve converted my entire portfolio into a Subway footlong.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48
  11. Kicked off my day with a cadbury creme egg white omelette.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 44
  12. Visiting the parents is great. All you have to do is say something like, “Oh, this economy…” and BAM! You’re going home with a pineapple.
    @yowhatsthehaps (Sarah) – 39
  13. How do I tell my cat that he’s the reason I drink?
    @detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) – 38
  14. Gonna set the Roomba up with the washing machine, light a few candles, put on some D'Angelo, hope for something that folds laundry.
    @jimray (Jim Ray) – 37
  15. Hundreds of dollars in lingerie and he gets humpy when I wear this ratty old race shirt from 1992.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 37
  16. Many people at Whole Foods have a healthy, vibrant glow that says, “Hi. I’ve got no passions or interests. I have lots of time to exercise.”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 36
  17. Sometimes, I hit enter too fast and I know I have more to offer. r
    I then sympathize with 16yo boys everywhere.
    @eoporto (Elizabeth Oporto) – 36
  18. In the distance, I hear the junior high boys. And I sigh. They grow up so fast.

    So young. So douchy.

    So *very* douchy.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 35
  19. The thing about getting older is that you realize there are way more embarrassing, cringe-worthy moments in your past than you thought.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 34
  20. She claims I spend more time with my computer than with her, but this infographic I spent all weekend making proves otherwise.
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 34